on december 20th I saw an ambulance zoom down the street

five days before christmas
when the songwriter describes is both the most wonderful and hap-happiest time of the year
i saw an ambulance zoom down the street
and was reminded that death is real during the holiday season

and looking down the street it turned on
i saw the lights of the ambulance dancing with the lights of the season
dancing together
a sad bridge in a happy song

and i was reminded of a few christmases ago
my mom on the phone with her mom
my おばあちゃん (obachan)
telling my mom that she new she would be gone soon
and she was
and i miss my おばあちゃん (obachan)
more than words
and now
on december 20th
i saw an ambulance zoom down the street
i am reminded of her
and how death is real during the holiday season

i realized recently that i do love my friends
that word so easily gets thrown around now
that i was never sure that other than family and those i deeply cared for
that it would ever come out
now im not trying to give some kind of old folks home rant
about how things have changed
and love doesnt mean the same thing that it used to
like it doesnt hold the same weight that it used to
when in reality i feel like it holds more than ever
it's just easier to bear now
so we say it more than ever
in a world defined by hatred
its only right for us to love each other
whether friend or brother
son, daughter
sister, father, mother
cousins, aunts, uncles
significant others
now i didnt tell my friends i loved them
because the phrase was reserved for those i couldn't live without
but honestly, not trying to be over dramatic
but in terms of my friends
i dont think i would be alive without
like i dont think i could fall asleep at night, hugging my pillow tight and smile without
like i dont think i could get up in the morning and brush my teeth, clean my sheets and get in my car and drive without
and since i know that there are people that feel the same way towards me, theres no longer this strong sense of wanting to die right now
so i really love my friends
and i let them know that every chance that i can manage
because that old folks home sermon
about how love isn't the same now
doesnt do us any good
it only really does us damage

i could destroy forests with my love for you
it burns bright
but the people and places and things in its path
i cannot be held accountable for
the lives it may destroy
there is no blood on my hands
just love on my head
and affection on my heart
maybe this isn't the best metaphor then

i could melt icecaps with my love for you
its heat is unbarable
but the animals and shorelines and houses in its path
i cannot be held accountable for
even the penguins and the polar bears will perish
at the sight of my love
but my love is not murderous
it could never be
my hands and heart and mind and soul are clean
im just clinging on to stupid metaphors
that i feel like can describe
the multitude that my love for you grows
it comes in droves
and i cannot stop that
so sorry to you if i love you too much
ill try my ****** hardest to calm it down

I wonder if my old friends still think about me
I wonder if my old friends still talk
Like I talk about them
Because my old friends are still hanging out
Which makes me wish that I was there
Or present in some way
Even though my old friends were not good friends
Because good friends often stay
And when my depression showed up
All my old friends went away
And I was left with no friends
Old friends or good friends
That fateful day
Because I thought that they were good
But I was so sadly mistaken
They can cry with each other over getting older or fake death
But when real problems come they're not staying
And we were civil and nice one night before college
So much fun I didn't know what was about
But the same **** kept happening
No more invites for when they're all hanging out

you are wound so tight
but thats how tapes work
if you loosened
no beautiful music would come out of your mouth
and sing out a song unlike anything ive heard before
but when i look at you
i see strange things
seemingly pieces missing from your body and face
holes from the whole of a puzzle
i see now
you are wound so tight
because its the only thing keeping you together

im a worthless piece of trash
i live among the garbage cans
but someone missed the hole
so now i exist on the ground
just rolling wherever the wind takes me
while bugs infest my body
and find a home in me
theres no reason for my existence anymore
im used up
now worthless
no more of any importance to anyone
just something that disgusts anyone who walks by
a worthless piece of trash
am i

a year ago I tried to take my own life
and I afterwards I told my friends I was fine
But just needed to be alone
I was alone
I was beat up and worn out
And emotionally dead
It was if I had already ended my life
And now a year later so much has happened
I've lost everything
Literally everything
I feel defeated and empty and
Broken
But I no longer want to take my life
I want to be alive
And beat this ****
Because this **** is killing me
But I will not let it take my life
Like it almost did a year ago
I regret a lot
But I never regret not dying
Because I realized that despite this ****
Im the happiest when I'm alive