Mitchell Mulkey

Mitchell Mulkey Aug 2017

out

the church bells sound out of tune today
as if a bad omen for things to come
my friends don't feel like my friends anymore
just acquaintances i see from time to time
and sure we may have been talking
drinking
and laughing last night
but no matter how many times you say you miss me
its just way too hard to believe
they have new jokes
ones that i do not know
the punchline is there
and they're all laughing in hysterics
but i stay silent because i do not understand

the uncertainty of life is terrifying
and i want out
so please don't leave me alone
because out is where i may end up

Mitchell Mulkey Jul 2017

tired

why is it that nowadays
whenever anyone asks how im feeling
i just say that im ok
just a little bit tired
without even thinking
that answer comes out of my mouth
quick on the draw
even when im far from okay
when every day feels like a struggle to get up
and a struggle to lay down
trying to make sounds that resemble the word help
but shutting up about my problems like I was told to do
And I know that my co-workers don't want to hear me vent
But what would their reactions be
If they heard me snap back at them
"feeling depressed and suicidal"
awkward pause
see no one knows how to address suicide from the outside
they just tell you that they hope you feel better
as if it's just some sickness that will be gone within the hour
But other than that I'm okay
I'm REALLY okay
Just a little bit tired

Mitchell Mulkey Jun 2017

death (v)

it's hard for me to view death as a verb
but recently the idea of it has been more present
to the point of every night when i close my eyes
i dream of the death of someone else
a stranger
with a face that i only know in their last five seconds of living
haunting me day by day
pray that i never see their face
my dreams are not reality
but the line between the two is blurred
so every night when i close my eyes
that's the exact time that death becomes a verb

Mitchell Mulkey Jun 2017

childish worries

ive recently tried not being afraid
so every night ive been sleeping with my closet door wide open
hoping that there actually is a monster in my closet
and now with no imaginary barrier to stop it
wishing it to creep up on me
when my eyes are closed
and im vulnerable
and have it be just the monster and me
but ill be half awake
just like always when i sleep
so once i open my eyes to look where the monster once stood
where the monster once stood the monster no longer seems to be
so ill close my eyes again
and brave another night of closet open
in hopes one day ill open my eyes and see
the monster to which i seek

Mitchell Mulkey May 2017

Untitled

i feel sick
but not the kind of throw up sick
the type of sick that never goes away
no matter how many times you try to close your eyes and sleep it away
no amount of sleep can heal you
because whenever you awake you'll be just as sick as before
with constant feeling of uncertainty and pain

i am my own cancer
as tasteless as it may be
im eating myself away
moving throughout my body
at a record pace
im killing myself
slowly but surely, every single day

Mitchell Mulkey Mar 2017

fire

the other night there was a fire across the street from where i live
it was big
it was bright
it was in running distance
i know that because some of my friends went running towards it
when they saw the flames
we stood in a clump
my jaw was to the ground
it seemed as if my whole city was burning down
and that scared me

by the time i got there it was mostly smoke
some of my friends were cracking jokes
and even though there were no casualties
that still seems rather inappropriate
because people could've been hurt
people could have died
but then again these are my friends
who joke about wanting to take their life half the time
like oh ******* kay
i understand that people deal with things differently
but jokes like that hardly seem appropriate
when we've got our ******* city burning down in front of us
and you want to sing Billy Joel's "We didn't start the fire"
its not funny
you're not funny
just ******* stop

and the fire burns within me
going up
up
up
up
up
until the firemen come and cool me down
and i look at the destruction that surrounds me
and i can only utter one word
******

Mitchell Mulkey Mar 2017

sad-ish

i took a hiatus writing sad things
because i thought that'd make me happy
but now im writing sad things again
in hopes that ill be sad
of course
i do not want to be sad
id much rather be happy
but sad people get it
and happy people do not

when i started feeling happy people liked me less
i guess my smile seemed condescending
they were all going to counseling
when i felt like i didnt need it
its like we were trading places for a month
i hated being around them
because i always thought my happiness made them angry at me
like it was more of them who hated being around me
rather than me around them

so im choosing to be sad
so that people will like me
its ironic
but its honest
i mean it
people smile more when im not smiling
and if that doesnt say something
well i dont know what does