i am a creature of shame
i sold my own name
for the sweet sweet price of comfort
in the arms of a mother
and a father and a brother
and only dust remains
i am a creature of shame

i am a creature of guilt
if you will not then i will
and then i will repent
the way i was intended to do
apologize to you
but the words fall still
i am a creature of guilt

i will just waste away
like puddle into bed frame
and with your arms around me
i am filling in my grave
here i lie united with the dirt
not quite six feet under
cause if it’s shallow i’ll return

but i am a creature of the earth now
i will nourish and rejoice now
for i am one with my creature of passion
rise from the ashes
until nothing remains
i am a creature all the same

i woke up on the underside of an avalanche
i always try to go to bed with an olive branch
but the morning brings a thorn in my side
every time
every time

when you want to be kind
be kind
but when you want to be mean
be kinder

they’re waiting on me in there
i just sobbed harder than i have in years
in here on my bathroom floor
and they’re waiting on me in there
where we’ll talk about new signs on the highway
and why the dogs are howling
and we’ll watch an old tv show
and i’ll pretend i relate to them
they’re waiting on me in there

i’ll say i got soap in my eyes
and that’s why they’re so red
they’ll know i was crying
but it’s the charade that counts

they’re waiting on me in there
i said i’d be quick but it’s been a long time
i needed time to be so, so sad
to be so far gone in this emptiness
that i didn’t even care if i came back

i’m sitting on my bathroom floor
so alone
and i don’t want to be anywhere else at all
i think that’s really, really sad

i’ve come to realize
that everything i put out into the world
is an apology for being there
in the first place
so, here goes:

i am sorry.

i’m mellow and my
hair roars and
commands
it secretly envies
pin straight hair
but ella es orgullosa
she won’t say so
i scrunch and apply
leave-ins
and butters
and serums
and locking gels
wash day is a great day
but she needs so much
every curly spring needs tending to
wash day
where i scrub my scalp and
am never surprised when i find
stray bobby pins
falling to the base of the tub..

swallow this feeling
so it becomes a pit in my stomach
instead of an ache in my heart
so much of my time
is spent feeling ashamed
so incredibly regretful
about just being who i am
i see no worth in me
i bring nothing forth
i don’t deserve what i’ve been given
i don’t even deserve what i’ve fought for
and the saddest part
is that i don’t even feel sad about it
it isn’t even ripping me to pieces
i don’t even want to die
i just want it to stop
being so true

it's a bad bet,
a silly gamble,
a poor chance,
a sick game,
an unfortunate guess,
a misplaced trust,
yes, it's a bad bet,
betting on me.

My name is Nerd
My name is Geek
My name is Dork
My name is ******
Because I like geeky things

My name is Show Off
My name is Try Hard
My name is Uptight
My name is Vegan
Because I’m trying to get through life
(And I was eating chicken when you came up with that last one)

My name is Teacher’s Pet
My name is Bookworm
My name is Theater/Show Choir Kid
My name is Little Sister of…
Because you’ve seen me have jet focus in the activities I take part in

I’m starting to think
That you might have forgotten
My real name
Because I hide behind the things I do and am
So just a reminder
My name is Reagan