Its not about where uve came from-but where ur heading too!Its not about the amount of mistakes uve made-but rather the count of lessons uve learned!And if you feel a little afraid,thats normal!No one can look into tomorrow-but we can focus on each day that dawns.May the first dawn of 2015 be the brightest and most prosperous start to a year filled with memories you will always hold in ur heart..BLESSED BE YOU

There a few things I need to say, and this isn't a poem. its more of a letter or a ***** out. I have seen the crap you post. I don't get u *** u act like u were some innocent victim. Im some horrible lying **** who broke ur heart. ***? Let me say my dear boy that I have loved u from day one and I still do. ur the one whos got this anti -me thing going for no reason *** ur afraid of letting your true feelings be felt and delt with. I may have said a fib or two when we spoke online the first time but at least everythg I said then wasn't a complete lie unlike others...... I don't hold that against you. I don't bring that up to you and talk **** about it. You seem to think that just because I didn't ever say I loved you that I didn't... it was so hard for me not to say it or to try and not feel it *** of her sitting in your bed each nite. that's why I didn't ask you stuff *** I didn't want to seem like I was being all nosey and being all in your business. you didn't ever say so I didn't ask. I figured if you wanted to tell me you would. I didn't want you to think I was trying to know your all of ur personal ****. I tried so hard to not have feelings for u and I thought I did a good job but that too was a joke. I have never felt like I do about u. it ***** that we don't talk like we used to and really ***** that we don't see each other....I miss u so fuckn bad. I still cry over u *** u were my perfext match. you are strong where I am weak and vise versa. Ur really great in the areas I need help in and I can help in the ones ur not in. I still want you to read to me. I still remember the things u said to me the first times we used to talk. the time where I fell in total love with u. I pains me to see some of the stuff u say on there. I didn't mean to not ask things or seem interested in you or act like I didn't want you to come over....I did that *** I wanted to see if u really wanted to come over.. um...all I wanted was to be with u from the beginning and I still do  but I don't think u will *** your trying your hardest to forget me. I guess im  not one to stand out and keep one wanting ......I wish I could erase all ive found out since oct 1st *** it makes it even harder to get over u....I don't want to but its really stupid to keep trying if you have made urself believe that u hate me or convinced yur self u do. I will write more if I remember but I have to go to bed now and I hope u sleep too... It just upsets me that I meant nothing like the others and that uve made urself hate me.....when I cant stop loving u.....this *****.

I will tell my son not to do
Drugs obviously but ****
That's like priests telling child
**** peddlers it's not right to *** kids

So I'll have to resort to this:
"son please do as I say"
And not what I did and probably
Still do when grandpa for the day

Takes u away to play,
So I'll tell him things that made
Me a hypocrite so don't have ***
With girls u don't love and I'll say

Always use a ******, even though
It really takes away
From sensation like immigration
Deported it from the land of play

Never use the service of a ******
Even if she has 2 kids
And u think fukking her would help
Her feed em, cause that's just sick

But then Ill feel so guilty from my
Hypocritical ways
Like not going to church but sending
Him with his catholic school to pray

As echoes of my words that say
**** is no gateway to others
Are heard in my head but now I'll
Preach it so over protective I smother

And suffocate, and screen his dates
And call him on the phone
Until I'm that parent ur friends
Make fun of, never leaving him alone

Cause I can love myself but a clone
In my son I would hate
But if karmas real I maybe in
For a scary ride of parenthood...great

Cause as I think back I realize
That my parents would freak when they
found out about ****, which makes me think
of all they didnt know, and all I got away.....

With, and I start to flip, so I
Debate starting to hide some devices
All over my apartment and tap the
****** phone and no I don't like this

But it needs to be done,
after all He's my son
I had no ****** brain and I was
dangerous, imagine him, as a smarter one

I brought u in this world son!
So u better bet I can take u out
Now I'm saying **** I heard and said I'd
never say even though i Promised myself

I don't trust a mall Santa or his
****** ****** elf And mrs clause is a ****
Tell me the truth son! Is he ur drug
Supplier, I saw his knee under ur ****!!

Maybe I'm just paranoid plus he's
Not even one yrs old I'm trippin
But not so crazy if family guys baby is  
Accurate .....so maybe my kids a Stewie Griffin

Trying to **** his mom.....ha , ya! Good luck
I been trying for years
But can't get away wit nothin cause who you are
or were ****** .....is always prime suspect and here

Is where I try to convince myself
To just let the kid grow up, and make mistakes
The girl next store will be fine,
Let him learn on his own, not to go ****

cause its as wrong as that hyperboye was
Even if she was ...already a ***
All I want is to make sure he doesn't
Go down the same path i did, and that I know

That I'm lucky I walked through, and away from
Without dying before I had my lil dude
So Julian at 16 yrs old ima take my
Belt like old school people would do

And beat ur *** with it like it was
A million, trillion beatings in one
Then explain that it was for all the ****
U do and will do, and all that uve done

That u know u wernt suppose to do
but still did Without me knowing,
Then never say **** to him again and
pray while I support him, as hes growing

And get a pair of lawyers incase
My pair-a-noias actually apt
And maybe one day he won't hate me
For random drug tests for crack

******, ***, methamphetamines
And anything else
That feels good, as I religiously raid
His room, then end up doing the house

After finding nothing in ur room
Screaming........ where is it, where is it
I know ur up to something cause
u have my blood in u "explicit, explicit""

And ask him paranoid fuelled
Questions in anger, killing his joy
U missed ur period this month didn't u!
Don't lie to me!! .."dad ***?..I'm a boy?!!

Then embarrassed and frantic
I'll ask him If he's sure
Then hed say yes dad I promise,
I'll never be stupid as u were

...or at least I hope. Just please god
Dont let him suffer
For my mistakes. Guide him to diffrent
or I'll **** him&giv;; his name 2 his brother

Ok I'm just kidding, I want my
Kid to be living
I want him to be educated, successful
Well respected and giving

And Julian if u read this one
Day, I hope u know I worry
And maybe u don't understand right
Now but trust me u will when ur 30

under the rain again .

My soul purpose - to get her back up.
She has fallen, & it feels like a part of me is gone.
Something is missing.
something is Wrong.
Nothing else mattered.
None except her existed.
I'm gonna keep her going,
Doesn't matter where i stand.
Ill b her oxygen ,ill do everything i can.
I can see right through it.
I know how she feels.
That expression is just a mask.
How well she conceals!
I admire her strength to keep moving on.
The way she suppresses the pain,remains headstrong.
Ill wait for as long as it takes.
Your shoulder to lean upon.
I believe in u honey,
ull end up better,wiser n strong.

And when ur finally able to smile freely again.
When uve made through all the pain,
Uve kicked away all the stress and strain.
Ill hold ur hand,
And we'll race thru and dance under the rain
Again. :)

I will tell my son not to do
Drugs obviously but ****
That's like priests telling child
**** peddlers it's not right to *** kids

So I'll have to resort to this:
"son please do as I say"
And not what I did and probably
Still do when grandpa for the day

Takes u away to play,
So I'll tell him things that made
Me a hypocrite so don't have ***
With girls u don't love and I'll say

Always use a ******, even though
It really takes away
From sensation like immigration
Deported it from the land of play

Never use the service of a ******
Even if she has 2 kids
And u think fukking her would help
Her feed em, cause that's just sick

But then Ill feel so guilty from my
Hypocritical ways
Like not going to church but sending
Him with his catholic school to pray

As echoes of my words that say
**** is no gateway to others
Are heard in my head but now I'll
Preach it so over protective I smother

And suffocate, and screen his dates
And call him on the phone
Until I'm that parent ur friends
Make fun of, never leaving him alone

Cause I can love myself but a clone
In my son I would hate
But if karmas real I maybe in
For a scary ride of parenthood...great

Cause as I think back I realize
That my parents would freak when they
found out about about ****, which
makes me think of all the **** I got away

With, and I start to flip, so I
Debate starting to hide some devices
All over my apartment and tap the
****** phone and no I don't like this

But it needs to be done,
after all He's my son
I had no ****** brain and I was
dangerous, imagine him, not dumb

I brought u in this world son!
So u better bet I can take u out
Now I'm saying **** I heard and said I'd
never say even though i Promised myself

I don't trust a mall Santa or his
****** ****** elf And mrs clause is a ****
Tell me the truth son! Is he ur drug
Supplier, I saw his knee under ur ****!!

Maybe I'm just paranoid plus he's
Not even one yrs old I'm trippin
But I'm not so crazy if family guys
Accurate maybe my kids like Stevie Griffin

Trying to **** my girl, ya! Good luck
I been trying for years
But can't get away wit nothin cause who
Ur ****** is prime suspect and here

Is where I try to convince myself
To just let the kid make mistakes
The girl next store will be fine,
Let him learn on his own that ****

Was the wrong way to go
Even if she was already a ***
All I want is to make sure he doesn't
Go down the same path I know

That I'm lucky I walked through
Without dying before I had u
So Julian at 16 yrs old ima take my
Belt like old school people would do

And beat ur *** with it like it was
A million beatings in one
Then explain that was for all the ****
U do and will do, and all that uve done

That u know u wernt suppose to do but Without me knowing,
Then never say **** to him again and
pray while I support him when growing

And get a pair of lawyers in cause
My pair-a-noias actually apt
And maybe one day he won't hate me
For random drug tests for crack

******, ***, methamphetamines
And anything else
That feels good, as I religiously raid
His room, then end up doing the house

After finding nothing in ur room
Screaming where is it, where is it
I know ur up to something cause u have my blood in u "explicit, explicit""

And ask him paranoid fuelled
Questions in anger, killing his joy
U missed ur period this month didn't u!
Don't lie to me!! .."dad ***?..I'm a boy?!!

Then embarrassed and frantic
I'll ask him If he's sure
Then hed say yes dad I promise,
I'll never be stupid as u were

...or at least I hope. Just please god
Dont let him suffer
For my mistakes. Guide him to diffrent
or I'll **** him&giv;; his name 2 his brother

Ok I'm just kidding, I want my
Kid to be living
I want him to be educated, successful
Well respected and giving

And Julian if u read this one
Day, I hope u know I worry
And maybe u don't understand right
Now but trust me u will when ur 30

"ayiseyo ncoko ngaphandle
kwemibuzo neempedulo"!!












Ekufundeni kwakho uve nton?
Nika ingqondo ukutya  kwayo!

Lord forgive me if I ever act ungrateful, coz uve given me more than I asked for and deserved..

As i stayed up in my bed,3am in d morning,love drunk and staggering
Eyes clear,brain ringing with butterflies in my belly
I remembered the hurts of the past
The moments i cried and my world was a waste

I loved her like my soul or shld i say soul mate?
We were happy together or so i thought
She rained on my head,called it
brain storming
She was d best tin i had,den she became my worst

Let me take u on a lil journey,call it going to america
And pls,pretend ure enjoying the ride,no worries,no cops on d road,no speed limits
By the time we wld be back,i hope ur head or atleast whats in it wld be clear
And all d pain of yesterday wld mean notin as u embrace the new day

Ever felt like yov've given all u av 2 give and it ain't enough?
Then through the hurt and the pain u realize uve neva had notin
Cos seriously a person who really wants u wants u 4 u,d flaws and scars included
And if u give ur love and time and it still ain't enough

Im sorry notin u eva give will be
So as a free advice frm me to u,pack ur **** and flee the hell frm hell
Cos really hell aint no place,its wats left after the heaven is gone
So for now its cool,u dnt knw wat to do
I know one day even if nt now,u gonna look at urself and know what next.

i spit n kick like dew drippin off leaves,
i learned 2 b soft so i will b soft when i am brittle.
i think of the way i thought of u back then, lethargic at best,
pretendin like u were a god when really u just mistook all that drool for ichor.
im sure uve noticed by now im abrasive,
under the assumption that apples fall far from the tree and
“i swear that im soft, i swear my skin is thin and
i swear im bein honest,”
but ive nevr been honest, not even 2 myself,
cause i didn’t even realize i had walls up til u tried breakin em down and
i know i scare too easily,
its jus the way that i bleed,
im like a rabbit in the middle of the street and
you’re going 80mph and
my paws r 2 small to matter if i die again

i really don't know what hippocrates,
and subsequently the hippocratic oath
has to do with medicine these days -
it's not like current medicine
is limping -
       it's not like it doesn't have its
priorities settled to a clean cut scalpel
cut of a vector's worth churning
improvements in history -
point being: that cliche of big pharma -
and how the maxim of
  primum non nocere became
primum non occidere -
  the motto of psychiatry -
oh, **** it, harm them as much as you
have to: just make sure you: don't **** them;
ah, looky how 'uve lee... it rhymes!
which makes me write the following
conclusion -
  the hippocratic "oath" is as dead as a drowning
seagull...
  there's no point in asking for
no harm be done unto you - only?
      no death be upon you...
well, **** me! that's encouraging!
          as a chemist, can i medicate myself
and stop listening to your bogus
"professionalism"? politicians are also
categorised as professionals,
and, would i trust them?
           i'd probably sooner trust
a ****** with a corn-cob than a trunk
of wood... and that's some serious
cherry picking, that is;
and no... it's not quack medicine,
but i'll tell you what is quack -
the slavic homeopathy against a cold...
you ready?
   a puffy duvet, pyjamas, sweating...
change of pyjamas...
the active ingredient?
    hot milk, butter, honey, an egg yolk...
some garlic in extreme cases...
just sit and watch the **** goose step
afterwards...
  the hippocratic oath died with big
pharma...
               look at me,
a litre of strong ***** every night,
sometimes just the 25mg amitriptyline
and sometimes that and 250mg of naproxen...
how long? been single for over 10 years...
oh... i'm gearing up to making
yotam ottolenghi's mezzo feast...
beast of a feast... how many ingredients?
let me count...
  6... 9... 5... 9... 5... 2... 9...
4... 3... 6...
       Σ?  fifty... fifty-*******-eight!
fifty-*******-eight ingredients!
     i'm starting to think i'm less drunk and more
mad... last time i checked, it took 13+ spices
for a single curry pace...
oh yeah... all drunks have that soppy story
in others,
of a kid they didn't raise...
     of slapping a ******* wife,
drunks drunks drunks: evil people:
9 fifths of them russians...
evil people... irresponsible, devastating -
*** yer ******* moral compass out
of my face... pronto!
             you sanity is the one drug i wouldn't
even bother to try...
it's like concentrated skunk ***** you're
pushing off as a: fragrant, "grasp" of "reality"...
yeah, same as my grandma's farts...
    ******* fragrant, esp. since she's
nearing the grave... just managed to pick
up a hint of decaying daffodils...
        mmm... call the people in charge
of the chanel perfumery, we got a winner!
perfumes that are the antithesis of the freshness
of spring - we'll be calling it the:
                autumn palette collection;
sure as hell it'll go down well with melting
wax in a hollowed-out pumpkin!  
as ever, people are a drag when it comes to
drinking, in began in america in the 1930s
and was carried through with **** taking to
stamp itself the: "true hit"...
      people just don't know to,
they want to know the happy drunks of
ancient greece, but suddenly turn into moaning
melodrama of the, "real housewives" of egypt...
brother: if you can't drink, don't drink!
sister: you never knew how to drink
so there's no point making a follow-up statement.

They follow u always
But not when it's dark
Not there at night fall
But always when there's light
They walk behind u
Like a creep or a stalker
They walk in front of u
Like a guide leading ur way
They walk along either sides of u
Like friends, sometimes more, or even less
They always know where u are
Unless the light is captured
They somehow know where u'll be
Unless ur life is captured
But even then they'll know
They'll hit the ground before u do
But it'd be too late
To tell they knew

Unlike u they hide in darkness
Just like u they r looking for something
Unlike u they have a purpose they have a goal
Just like u interrupted by everything

Can penetrate glass
Can double in mirrors
Can have so much life
Can seem so plain and dull

Can not live without them
So trust and don't doubt them

Don't ever stop just try and try
But the only time they'll leave is if u die
Or if u and all around u was dim
Peter Pan came back for him

Fading light
Fading darkness

Darkness
Light

So much of a difference yet not at all

Unravel the truth
That shadows behold
Let all old and aged fold
For all the gold of the past mustn't be told
Mold ur shadow in to a grave
Cz that's where Ull both end up no way out of it no save
uve both been one slave.

Unravel the truth
That shadows contain
For u both have one brain
And the actions of one effects the other in a chain
It's all ur fault ur the main
Make excuses again and again
Ur both ******* ur both insane.

Surge inside my brain

Words in little letter form.

Firstly in the way

regret which uve never 

done before




Smiles and all the nervousness

Sink in beyond the surface 'which

The mirror deep inside reveals

A person in the turbulence




Mercy in your heart

When its urgently in need

Looking on to persons

Facing turbulence like me




Ghosts beyond the grave

And bones make me afraid

Hate the little way

You make me unafraid




I'm in the closing seconds

Between

Distinction and dysfunction

Baring my fists upon the brink

And torn here at this junction

Somewhere inside the cactus
is the mirage that you are not.
its the villain who got caught
who is that thing lost in your thoughts.

Sitting wet with sunrise
and surprised it it cant be taught
its disguised as what its not
its the mirage that you are not(mirage of what uve got)

(All those things u have
are just the things that u have bought
and we laugh and laugh and laugh
that youre the theif who has been caught)
That thing that you have
is just a thing that you have bought
and we laugh and laugh and laugh
til the sun decides to stop.

Cuz nothing is for free.
It can only be your fault
you were shot out of a cannon
into a shopping cart to shop.

(Looking for only what you see
Your tree's devoid of moss
Steady heading true north
A fool ready to pay the cost)

(Looking for only what u see
Steady heading north
A fool ready to pay the cost
Of staying on his course)

Digging through the gold
Only Looking for the Lead.
Cuz alchemy is treason
To the villain in your head.

Uve seen it on ur radio
Heard it on ur tv set
That youre the one who prospers
By paying off ur debt.

Ur moneys rotting paper
(Built by)a Dying god who's Left
So you put coins on its eyes
so you can commit one last theft.

Ure spirit has gone viral(smells of virus)
When you near it you grow sick(ill)
And you shrink inside ur body
And blame ur spirit for its ****.

U were a stolen moment.
A cactus prophesy.
Just a vision in your future. Saying
"U were Foolish. Blind. A Theif."

The villain in your story
As your morning set out to sea
And the sun, it couldnt teach you
All the things that it taught me.