“You miss 100% of the shots that you don't take.”
is a piece of wisdom that hits me loudly like a gunshot.
When I look into the fountain of my memories,
it's not blur water but pretty clear
that most of the stupidest things I ever did
were not the ones that actually happened.
They are the ones that I missed to pull the trigger.
Thus, they only happened in my minds' vivid fantasies.
Which make it seem so so real:
As if I could feel the touch of the loved one
who needed my hug and I didn't give it.
As I I could hear the words of apology
that were not even spoken in silence.
As if I could see the scenario that has never happened
and still waits for a true witness.
I make a guess,
it's part of life to miss some of the non-missed shots
where I still have the bullets for.
But from now on,
I take it in my hands.
***** it!
Forget the bow or pistole,
give me the bazooka.
I am not scared of shooting for the stars any more
because of scarcity of bullets.
I know by now..
where the ammunition is.

Un jeune grand seigneur à des jeux de hasard
Avait perdu sa dernière pistole,
Et puis joué sur sa parole :
Il fallait payer sans ****** ;
Les dettes du jeu sont sacrées.
On peut faire attendre un marchand,
Un ouvrier, un indigent,
Qui nous a fourni ses denrées ;
Mais un escroc ? L'honneur veut qu'au même moment
On le paye, et très poliment.
La loi par eux fut ainsi faite.
Notre jeune seigneur, pour acquitter sa dette,
Ordonne une coupe de bois.
Aussitôt les ormes, les frênes,
Et les hêtres touffus, et les antiques chênes,
Tombent l'un sur l'autre à la fois.
Les faunes, les sylvains, désertent les bocages ;
Les dryades en pleurs regrettent leurs ombrages ;
Et le dieu Pan, dans sa fureur,
Instruit que le jeu seul a causé ces ravages,
S'en prend à la Fortune : ô mère du malheur,
Dit-il, infernale furie,
Tu troubles à la fois les mortels et les dieux,
Tu te plais dans le mal, et ta rage ennemie...
Il parlait, lorsque dans ces lieux
Tout-à-coup paraît la déesse.
Calme, dit-elle à Pan, le chagrin qui te presse ;
Je n'ai point causé tes malheurs :
Même aux jeux de hasard, avec certains joueurs,
Je ne fais rien. - Qui donc fait tout ? - L'adresse.

I accidently breathed life into the beast that has always seemed to reside deep down inside.
Where my patience is already short supplied.
My sorrow can't ever truly be denied.
Eyes filled with tears that I haven't yet cried.
Where am I going to next I cannot decide.
I may just go ahead and ride the pride,
breaking through to the  other fuclimg side so my cousin I can see.
Him and the rest of my deceased family.
I stand among the debris.
myself I am trying to run from me.
Tomorrow coming holds no gaurettee.
The  only thing that I could ever hope to be is just pain old me.
LOnging to be ******* free
This sinister darkness is ******* foreboding.
feel like I should be exploding.
I am already over loading,
******* hardcoding til I went off roading.
was smoking just floating.
To me this is ******* coping
that is until I start choking.
I am just hoping
the demons I am not provoking.
Surely I am not invoking.
I don't say that lightly for I am not joking.
Promoting their possession of my damaged soul
I travel on to the places even my angels fear to go
I have a feeling that I belong way down way down below.
I'll admit that loud is my rock and  roll I constantly rock this bowl.
so apparently I am no where near being in control.
Im so broken I cannot be whole.
I have been impossible to console.
Then while praying out loud I heard it echo.
Why is I am here in this hellhole.
Armed only with a couple  bullets and  Daddy's pistole.
So don't you be an *******.
Into **** near everything I pour heart and soul.
I jump down another rabbit hole trying to catch that troll.
The horizon is already all aglow.
Did you not ******* know that end up that much more corrupt, I am cold.
This is a demented and perverse Fairytale that has already been told.
Matter of fact it getting rather old.
No questions were asked and there were no lies sold.
Like laundry I know right when to fold.
My ride or die has already died as he rode.
Cracks in my moral code. Life on this dirt road.
You don't have to tell me I know that I am throwed.
I always I end up sitting alone in **** dark,
trying to create a ******* Spark.
So I can watch myself as I stab myself with Jagged pieces of your broken heart. I am waiting on this journey that on which I'll soon embark.
I think It was somone in the hierarch
that to no one else could make an off/ handed remark.
There wasn't one person he didn't appear to outsmart.
It was pretty much his trademark.
My granny is our matriarch.
A Monarc from the trailer park.
Laughing like a loon I have gone mad as in raving stark.
I will not miss my mark,
From generation to generation this knowledge the elders did impart.
Keeping us prayed up on our way back up right from the start.
Feelings serverd now alicart.
I thought I was in prime position to fall apart
Losing myself in the nefarious dark.
My path needs illiumanating someone please light up my dark steps
help me not to be stressed.
I don't need to be obcessed.
MY true self I have surpressed.
I *******  confess
I am nothing but a hot mess
These crazy thoughts infest  
as the truth's hard to digest.
Burning down in the protest
The matriech I was meant to protect.
Now it's save your own *** that 100% in effect.
Spirits from the past I attempt to ressurect
So with the ones I sincerely missed I can soon connect
I wish I could do it imn a manner that was more direct
I don't know it was I did ******* expect
I only brought them back with  much love and respect
Even though my secrets are being safely kept
Still in a few days I haven't yet slept
I am more than a little wrecked
Emotionally broken in every aspect
on my traumatic past I reflect
I am in fact the suspect
on a rather touchy ******* subject
I am feeling pretty **** inept
I think maybe I need God to intercept
Outside my mind I have stepped
This is something I can accept
Over this unbearable pain I have wept
These memories from the past I try to eject
off into space I blast like a space cadet
perfect I **** up, I am a **** up perfect
I am sure I am one that won't be easy to forget
At making things worse I am indeed quite deft
The weight of the world on my shoulders I try to heft
What to expect from someone who's went this far left
The pain in my brain has been etched
The situations far to complex
The sorrow a ******* side effect
Wading in the pool of past regret
looking back in retrospect
smoking the day's last cigarette
while my thoughts I try to recollect