hitting save on another task as my spotify playlist sways in the background. my yawn reaches my stomach. my dark circles bring a great contrast to my greyish-bluish eyes. i'm learning french again. maybe because it's supposed to be the language of love and maybe because i want to watch Plein Soleil without subtitles.

it's june still. my ex who said she was still my friend went to a pride parade without me. it's fine, maybe i'll get to wear my colors on my sleeves next june. maybe i'll meet some queers in college. if i ever finish my housing application.

california state university northridge. blissfully away from home, but achingly not far enough. beautiful to it's core and yet i can't shake this churning anxiety in my fingers, in my brain, in my heart. i wish everything wasn't online so maybe this yellow brick road winding me to my future would feel more real.

this town is so ugly. it's not big, not small. it isn't even pretty if you genuinely enjoy the look of washed out suburbs. all the colors are dulled by the sun, and not in the soft pastel way. it's like the skies rained gallons of bleach, if it ever once rained here. this place is full of skeletons hanging on to purgatory.

but i'd suffer damnation if i said i wasn't scared out of my mind about leaving it.

syrupy brown eyes
mom might take pills
can't read your neck

abandoned cottage
in occupied woods
brother does pull ups
too young to care

rust and caramel
apple pie in the oven
you made the crust

took ten tries to park on the curved street
can picture the house now
piano pieces on deck
drove for chocolate cookies

sitting in
northridge traffic
to show I care

I am California Born and raised
The 70s Great music love and peace craze
I grew up in southern Cali (Califoria)
In the San Fernando Valley

( I’m totally a Valley girl Fur Sure)
Kids Talking in jargon, there’s no cure
People really used terms like the movie
“Clueless” where everything was groovy
Totally awesome, Rad, tubular and cool
Low riders surfers, GDI groups in school

We moved to the country Tarzana
Singing John Denver oh, Susanna
200 chickens; dog, horse older than sin
One breath from the glue factory Old Fin

Neighbors had Santa Anita quarter horse
A wonderful life until the divorce
As we grew, we went our separate way
The same kids K-12 still chat today

School reunion, now Facebook friends
See how we turned out made amends
Through the years, laughter, and tears
California  destroyed, our worst fears

LA is not the same place that used to be
It looks like a bush and they call it a tree
A mass exodus move fast travel far
Leaving in groves by plane, train, and car

Homeless tent city people in the park
Dangerous to move around after dark
Protesters intent to destroy every college
Institutions that stand for knowledge

People learned stay away from the city
San Francisco has a P and **** Map pity
Tourism is a thing of the past
California beauty sadly did not last

I’m the last hold out my friends are gone.
The Roxy, Rainbow Club Rock Music songs
Memorabilia is all that remains the same
So much history now sadness, I refrain

Snow ski and swim the ocean the same day
Vacations, camp all the lakes,places we play
Home uninsurable non-renewable wildfire
I used to believe it’s here I would retire

Earthquakes. I never paid them any mind.
A little shaking from time to time
(Accept 1994, Northridge  6.7, mg 4:31 AM)
Then good still outweighed the bad
The destruction of California makes me sad

An illegal chants  burn Cali to the ground
An accident she set herself on fire found
Set 6 fires arrested released set 5 more
Kamala Bail fund fire girl gone explore

Shasta Lake, houseboat Open space goal
3 days on the lake and not seeing a soul
Shasta Caverns, Yellowstone mountains
Mount Shasta, pure snow water, fountain
  
People took pride, no littering, they care
Now trash sprawled over everywhere
California Poppy the yellow state flower
Remembering , Cali in her golden hour