Work and work and nothing else on my shelf
Accomplishments, yes...in work, no less
But I'm ready to escape and live a little
No longer this fear...don't know what happened to it
everything bad has already happened so
the bear crawls out into the Spring sunshine
Not really lonely, just curious about what's out there
want to sit on a bar stool in a tight dress and sip a drink and flirt
Want to wear those six inch heels and laugh and be tipsy
dance to the beat of life and forget about it the next day
Want to buy that corset and denim at Fredricks and wear it with the
mad high heels and see what happens

Filling up, wide eyed, breathing deep
Avoiding the spillage, the jerking motion
Rowers giving elbow grease to churn out sobs
Of substance, grandiose design to sorrow
Bold, emblazoned tears of texture, relay
Racing to the jawline finish, backup tissue
Business flourishing, mopping up the fast flow
Red eye fostering their talents with  expertise
Glooping globules on rain dance alert, dancing
The tango, the rumba, the belly dance parade
Of unchained dam busting, snot ravaging
Sodden and damp, choking its route outta here
All cryed out, on empty, exhaustion reigns, eyelids
Closing the stop tap to the off position, rearranging
Priorities to sleep mode, sinking down into sprung
Heaven, resting heavy lashes to bed, curling up
To while away the hours, silencing the alarm
Of solitude and inner turmoil, resting the think
Tank, cells charmed habitat of hybernation
Booked and paid for, down payment secured

Dormant was my love like a bear waiting for the right time to emerge from a slump like slumber
Awakened at the sight, smell, and touch of your presence
Not enough time to dream of a love so perfect is what my heart tells me
I hold your heart to mine, I treat it as my own
Let it beat, let it beat, let it beat when I come near
I'll be the one to wake your love when the time comes

Redolent May sings,
lays of perplexing antique,
wooden rose flounders.
...
Fungi is in rout,
war of mushrooms is halted,
desolate treescape.
...
This is not a game,
the colours rest in spindles,
the flag is in truce.
...
Paragon of ice,
tractive glacier, no friction,
chronotropic death.
...
Scourged almighty sea,
symphonic ocean blasted,
tranced undertaking.
...
Mort, syphoned blood grass,
waving like entrails, flooded,
blood spins, grave now swims.
...
Gritty stagnant bole,
refurbished hybernation,
the scent come to play.
...
Reminiscent moon,
gather ye, encompassed light,
that we may know life

Rejected, contract not renewed
and I hate these people but the rejection still hurts
because no one likes rejection, really even from people we hate and disrespect
which gets lost now because I'm still there and am surrounded by them and
I think I know why this all happened, because I don't fit into the principal's kingdom
where you must have only one drama director and not one and then another one
out there who was just forced out through seniority because she might cause TROUBLE
and it's true I don't fit in because I have gone to excellent schools, even an Ivy, and
I've traveled the world and learned an obscure language and I have so much more
experiences than most of those people could ever imagine having or even wanting

But it's still like the wind has been knocked out of me and now I'm feeling down, so down
and scared, waiting for my next plan--will I be accepted there and what is wrong with
me that I--
must stop these thoughts because they lead me down my dark alley
there was Craig last, who I befriended and tried to love and he could never love
me back and I thought if only I can get him to love me I will feel better and like
I'm Ok in spite of being rejected
and now it's Drew. and I don't like Drew and he kind of likes me
and yet I chase him and spend time with him and I'm not even enjoying
it and he is unpleasant and never says anything nice about me and never smiles
and  is happiest staring at his turtles as they awake from hybernation
and planning his cross country trip that will take all summer combing the country for any national parks he hasn't yet seen
and i yearn for his love and when I've had an awful frustrating time
with him, I ask him when we can get together next because
next time will be better and he looks at me with a stare
and at school a girl comes in at lunch and flirts with him and
i can't stand to be in the same room because its so inappropriate
and his boss struts in wearing high heels and onoe foot in a brace and flirts
and she is married and she gives me resentful, knowing looks
and i don't even like him but this
punch to the gut, this fear now, this not knowing if I'll be accepted back
into the school to get a new credential, the school I left to take this miserable
job. this is driving me crazy like I'm hanging onto a vine, suspended off of a cliff
with water and rocks a thousand feet below and I'm so scared, and every
day cold be another blow and I have only fear and
I must wait and I must build myself up again so I don't chase
Drew, who will only make me feel worse, because he is rude and pushy
as all my friends say and yet I ask to get together with him again.
And I must learn to appreciate myself again so there will be no Drew.
Please no more Drews, or Craigs and the list is quite long.
And one day I do well and ignore him and then as the week progresses
I get tired and it gets worse and I think, that thing, my drug
please I need my drug, and off I go.
I don't need any more drugs.  I need to feel good about me
again, from the inside out
despite the rejection

Nowhere whencesoever in the ever distant hebridges
The seagulls savour the eternal sea
The sea's intemperance rolls in the mighty waves
The shallow waters crystallise into divinity
The sands of immortal indelible imprints
Never ever quench the thirst
The imbalanced boats I board
In the cascading autumn twilight
Everyday...
In a long peaceful hybernation
Whencesoever the seagulls ..in the ever distant hebridges
The shallow waters and the sands
Would never ever invite me further..
I would've  lost my recognition..

The sun sets early on the eve of fall
The shadows seem longer then long
Cool winds whisper, tuck us in at night
The leaves grip loosens from branches
Flutter silently at nite in unrehearsed dances
In the morning, create a colorful site
The mind wanders to hybernation mode
Winter will come soon, to tame the soul
And blanket the land in ****** white

Hi there,
When I say how are you?
I mean to say thank you.
When I say Fine and look into your eyes
I mean to say thank you for saving me

And what I mean by that is this:
My story is not a pleasant one.
I carry it all on my body
The abuse being my strechmarks,
The pain being my scars,
Every mole I have will tell me a story
And none of them were pleasent

I self-harmed, self-medicated, self-taught everything that made it all worse.
Let the makeup become my day to day mask that hides my pain from the outside world.
Let the partys be the good excuses to self medicate in alcohol and drugs, for that was the only way I would not lay in bed alone, sober, with my thoughts.
I let the warm bodies of men become my doctors for when I would need a check-up. And I needed them a lot.

Then I met you, and from that first moment our eyes locked I stopped thinking about the check ups from the warm bodies, the sober thoughts i couldnt handle without my party excuses and the way I wanted you all to see me.
The first thing you said to me was 'Its okay, I see through your wall'

With those words you have changed me. made me want to have fun, but with you. I let you brake down my wall without any struggle, as if i were an animal which just came out of hybernation. ready to start again, to start fresh.

While some time has passed now, you have created a distance. you said you needed it and i was fine. no, i wasnt fine, i just said i was fine cause i wanted you to believe that you have 'fixed' me. with every unanswered phone call and every message left on read. I BREAK.

My heart turns into thousand little mirrors which you break again one by one with the push of the off button on your phone. you repair those pieces with your superglue. your superglue is hot and steamy but unreal. After healing me again you leave me. AGAIN, this time for good. And i am left jet again with what is now a million pieces of mirror. the reflection will never be the same.

So I go back to the warm bodies from who i need a check-up to tell me I am still beautifull. even only in that moment. So I go back to the clubs and make excuses for my self-medicating ways. So I go back to the safety of my makeup so no one will know how broken I am.

And still, I blame myself.