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I look in the mirror
What do I see?
Wrinkly woman
Staring strait back at me
Her eyes have bags
She hasent slept in weeks
Her hair all white
White as snow
Her eyes wide like a child's first hope
She looks at me
Puts her and on the mirror
"Dadda?" She asks
" no I'm not your father"
"Dadda?"
" I don't know where he is.."
"Dadda?!" She starts to freak out
" I'm not your father!"
"Dadda!!"
"I DONT KNOW WHERE HE IS! I DONT KNOW WHERE HE WENT! HE LEFT US OK! HE LEFT us.."
She turns her head and looks at me
"Why?" She asks
I tell her" I don't know!"
She points to the watch on her wrist
"He only gives you those so you can count down the minuts to see him! It's not worth it! Every year it's longer and longer, and soon he will walk right out of your life!"
"Dadda is suppost to come! I want to play!"
I look at her, reach out and touch her hair
"The only game our father plays is hide and go seek except we give up looking and waiting for him"
"But I've been waiting since I was three!"
" and now your eighty! Don't you see? Go get sleep or find some friends! You will find other love, it's just as good."
"Don't lie to me!" She demands in a deep voice. Her eyes full of hate!
"No don't do that! You don't deserve all that hate !"
" nothing is as good as a fathers love! Not a date, a true boyfriend NOTHING!"
"How do you know ? We have never had a fathers love!"
" but you see it around you. Then you give up and try boy love."
"Don't say that!"
"You know it's true the only reason you date boys is to find some love for you! You seek attention and kisses and hugs! So you feel someone truly cares and loves! Your pathetic trying to wait! Pretending to love him every holiday ! "
"SHUT UP SHUT UP!!" I say and punch the mirror
"Why don't you make me! You pathetic slime You can't enjoy Christmas *** he's gone mine !"
I stood up and stare her in the eyes. "No one owns me or tells me what to do!"
"Oh I'm so scared!"
"Yes yes you are ! Your scared of never being enough! Your scared that if your not pretty! You'll die and he won't give a ****! Your scared that you will loose him! Your scared no one will care! Well guess what buddyriend and family that care !"
"Why don't you sleep it off? And wait for him to care?"
"IM DONE SLEEPING AND WAITING FOR HIM !" I reach in and grab her by the throught. "AND IM DONE LISTENING TO YOU!"
I turn her neck till the mirror shatters
The glass breaks
my hand blead
I sit and cry like nothing mattered
I look at one of the pieces on the ground in front of me. It's a little girl only about age 3.
"Thank you" she says and curtsys and disinagrates away.
I sit and cry. Tears of joy
Nothing is more blissful then freedom
Even more then a boy.
Journal entry #2

Curled up on the bathroom floor.
I stare down at my phone, so long, that my eyes glaze over.
Surprised I remembered all the songs that use to set my soul on fire.
Music was always my second love, and then there was you.

Already tipsy, I take a long swig from my bottle of jack and say to myself, (Rip it, its just like a bandaid just do it.)

I hit shuffle and the first song that plays is...
(H.O.L.Y. by Florida Georgia Line)

The pain that washed over me was excruciating. It made every hair on my body stand and shiver. Tears fell from my eyes as my mind brought me right back to that time, and that place, in that car, as I brought you to our home and you sang that song to me.

I remember thanking God in this moment.
I finally had you back. I remember thinking how lucky I was... Blessed.
Thinking we conquered it all.
Feeling like I had died and gone to heaven and there you were.

I felt short of breath, I felt like I was suffocating. Because I  never knew such a happiness existed...never wanting someone so much in your life..

Try to see this through my eyes.
Life hasent always been good to me.
I try to see the good in life.
But good things in life are hard to find.
But then, in walks a man I thought was sent from heaven.
Maybe, it was finally my time to be happy?

God is that you?

Too blind to see it at the time, but God was saying No the entire time.

I was blown away, what could I say?
It all seemed to make sense at the time.
Stupid me, thinking he loved me, as much as I loved him.
Gillie Younger Dec 2012
my eyes open to a new beginning
a fresh world to see
the chance for a new life
a day that hasent been decided yet
a moment that you make
the moment that only matters
when you are truly alive
you forget you alone
I Have had a hard life, but so hasent everybody else,
I try to forget the pain, but im afraid of the result going against the grain,i still have to be true to myself, relationships have come and gone, making it hard for life in my lane to just go along with a flow i haven't been able to stay on for so long, honestly i care, but its hard to not be scared, when the reality and truth has been, hidden, forbidden, now were are the people that said they cared?  are they there? maybe im delusional in this world , but everybody makes references and insults and get suprised when ***** pops off in the mist of the air, tell me what it feels like being that kid sitting over there, trust me, ive been there ive done that **** was never fair, but realize those kids end up killed or in jail, dont feel left out, dont set your self to fail, cause they act like punks and claim they get the best *******, but they turn they back on a homie when **** switches, and the watch an chain he wearin aint real, he stole it from that homeless innocent woman with not a dime to spill, so think about it, and let this **** set in, cause i know these words that im spewing ill never be forgettin, people these days have no ******* morals, back in the day there was a way to get along without needing money in ya pocket, im trying to capture every good moment i have, maybd put it in neckless and lock it, hold it tight in my heart, but burn so these hater can never grin at the truth,. they cant **** with my furnance, wich is the root ofmy heart, and ill never let anybody change me or rip my family apart,
this is from my heart how i trully feel, and im not saying people have been though the stuggle, the struggle is real, but theres always a choice and everybody has a destiny to fulfill
Just a girl Mar 2018
One of the most devastating heart breaking things I ever had to go through as a woman...

Was falling in love with a man that couldn't love and respect me...

Because he simply hasent learned how to respect and love himself.
sage eugene zumr Oct 2023
collected ashes practiced forth
addict often rancid earth lavash
personal draft lasted laxin birth
actions ive hasent yet mansion
first is the tragics then savages
church inset fashasts passive
quirks in the static perks relax
i got half a havoc in stashes
massive in classics of traffic
lex in the luther predator stupper
seminol truth erks in fences over
my pencil posture poser is best
of the rested introductive relent
Poet 4d
you cried and cried and thought nobody cared
you think you’ve stopped trying
but
     i
      can
           hear
                  it
                    in
                       your
                               words
                                                      you haven’t
they ripped at your seams
singed your soul
and you thought it was natural
its not
its not natural to hate
yes there may be shadows lurking in this deep dark world
but thats because you have a light
     i
      can
           hear
                  it
                    in
                       your
                               words
the monsters are selfish creatures
they only lift you to the light to dim your fight
to make you give up
because even they know that on the other side where the monsters cant roam
there isnt a single sliver of darkness

you think we all see what you see
but we cant
you see yourself through a hall of broken mirrors
what WE see is beauty
we see survival
we see a soul full of life
one that has it locked away deep inside
but not deep enough
because
     i
      can
           hear
                  it
                    in
                       your
                               words
we all have secrets
they never need to be said
dont force it
scream
but dont hate yourself
from all ive seen
its impossible
when you stare into shattered glass
you see all of you
you’re the stunning reflection
not the jagged edges
those edges were what cut you in the first place
and that, you will never be
     i
      can
           hear
                  it
                    in
                       your
                               words
you dont need a happy strategy
you dont need to cry in the dark
the dark doesnt deserve your tears
nor the earth your effort in a smile

you may not see it but there is everything to live for
live for YOUR smile
you think they’ve taken it
but thats one of the things you dont get to give away
it stays with you
they WANT your tears
so give them your smiles [they hate them]

YOU are the only one that wants it
people care [but for some reason you cant see it]

you dont have to smile when they do
you aren’t a mirror
you are a PERSON

SPEAK all you want
im listening
HURT could never come again if you didnt CARE
who CARES if they dont CARE
they
can
go
to
h e  l   l

you                 |          dont
are                   |         put
not                   |        yourself
broken             |        so low

he left out the sunshine because you found a way to make your own
he didnt brush away the storm clouds because he knew you could tame the lightning
you werent finnished halfway
you were his greatest masterpiece

no one can ruin you
cant you see the point
only you can let them do it
only you can leave them behind
dont look back
dont beg
its what they want
its a twisted high they love
they love to play perfect family
picture perfect expensive things
they love it when you say nothing
thats when theyre safe
never say nothing
let people know
i know we think its rare but there are so many with a heart of gold
dont plaster on a smile
let the angels see your tears
though angels and demons wear the same masks
not all that wear a mask are evil
dont take the easy road
take the narrow path
take the high road
it makes you better
than the monsters that lurk
the ones who say you dont matter
the ones who say your feelings arent real
you are a genius
worthy
deserving
beautiful
if you will belive them
then give me that courtesy too
belive me

the chains you think surround you are made of glass
one yank and they’ll be gone
the ones around your soul tighten with your tears and loosen with a true smile
the fist feeds on salty tears
dont let it clamp down on your heart any tighter

if i had one minute
id give it to you
but you dont need the minute
im sure they loved you
the picture frame may be broken but the people inside stay the same

that stupid black truck with silver accents is a ghost
one you can walk through
it cant touch you anymore
and you will never shed another tear for it

though your fingers tremble
it shows there is blood in your veins
pumping faster than ever
you want to survive
your soul just hasent realize it yet

punch it all into your skin
the mediocre middle
and crisis averting end
but dont cover up your scars
let them be the rough beginning
let yourself
laugh
love
learn
everyday
let it be the bad days you write about
not the good ones
let the good ones be the normal
the ones where you see green eyes
pink noses
and silky black tails

BE a people pleaser
make others happy in places where you couldnt be
but you can BE a people pleaser without letting them take advantage
besides if they hurt you
why would you want to be on that bandwagon

grow
out
your
nails
and NEVER let them scream at you
NEVER let them see you bleed
NEVER let them break you
NEVER stop gluing the pieces back together
those pieces were forged in titanium
thats why they can only fracture
you’re
too
strong
too stong to continue the cycle
the fear of it bleeds through your words
thats how i know you wont
you’re too scared of it

you are:
beautiful
              belive me
                             your soul is
worth it ALL
                     belive me
                                     all the gold in the world                                                      
seen
­      belive me
                     because, because of you i feel seen too
perfect
           belive me
                           and not despite your flaws
                           but because of them

put down the smoke
it makes your lungs as black as their hearts
put down her bony wrists
everyone is perfect in their own perfect way
why go through life thinking
it could be worse?
thats the manipulation talking
its all a step bellow the barrest of minimums
its diabolical

dont act
the world may not deserve it but it would love to see you
let the pain out but dont slice it open
coerce it out so it never returns
get closure

never try to fit a mold, lovely
someday youll be the color somebody needs to complete their painting

you never need to hide the scars
you never need to bleed
you can control how you deal
but please
never let yourself bleed
and let your inner voice shut the hell up
because only the bad ones leave
the good ones will stay until you push them away
to Lyle

— The End —