Edna's Special Recipes No. 4:

"Le pit bull à la français"

By Edna

At this festive time of year, why be boring and choose a turkey? Especially since the poor creatures have been reared intensively, overfed and fattened artificially, kept in a cage or in a filthy shed, never having seen the sunshine.

So Edna says: offer your family something rather different this Christmas, something a little unusual.  Had you ever considered an American Pit Bull Terrier?  A Pittie may not be the first thing which springs to mind for Christmas dinner and I admit there are some drawbacks: they are difficult to get hold of: neighbours' pets are a dangerous option and modern intensive Pittie-farming methods don't work as the brutes are far too savage for most farmhands; also they have relatively little meat on them, being mainly muscle and hatred. However, these negatives are offset by the joy any fun-loving chef will gain from killing the ******* and you, as hostess, will bask in the happiness of your family as they contemplate what they are about to receive.

First, it is important only to use a FRESHLY killed mutt as Pit Bulls do not freeze well (they struggle and bark for what seems ages once shoved into the freezer) and the pre-packed, pre-gutted ones you will find in your local supermarket are likely to have been battery-reared and force-fed in order to put a bit of extra flesh on. Believe me, nothing quite matches the texture of a freshly killed Pittie. And of course, you get the head as a bonus for your pet cats to play with.

A stranger's pet is my own preferred animal as a neighbour might see you skulking round their back garden with a pick axe and twig what you were up to. So, off you go in the car and seek out your dinner. Once you have found a suitable four-legged meal, follow the owner home, wait for the right moment and then get the chloroform pads in action. One for the owner and one for the dog. Pop the zonked-out mutt into the strong black canvas bag you brought with you, shove it into the back of the car and off you go!

So now you've got your hound: what's the best way to **** it?  We gourmets have argued over this for years: decapitation, drowning, hanging, electrocution or beating to death with a sledgehammer? My own favourite method is to drop the drugged brute into a large tin bathtub of warm water and then add the 240v power cable. The expression on the dog's face when the volts kick in is fabulous but you need to be careful in case it leaps out of the bath and goes for your jugular. Hanging from a high tree, accompanied by extensive tenderizing with a baseball bat is a safer but equally enjoyable option. Two further benefits are that hanging is not so messy as the drowning/electrocution route and the whole family can watch a hanging in safety instead of having to risk the dog leaping out of the tub.

Once you are sure the dog is dead (about five minutes after it's stopped kicking and moaning), take it down and cut the head off with a cleaver.  Carefully remove the ears for use as decoration. If you have no cats to give the skull to, shove it on the top of your Christmas tree to provide a family talking point.

Next, skin the dog and discard, bearing in mind that it would be unwise to leave the telltale evidence for the binmen. My flaying advice is to use a sharp knife starting at the **** and working my way up to the neck. Be sure to remove all the ****** parts, as these do NOT taste good. It's nice to roast a Pittie whole, but few people have an oven big enough (unless you scored for a puppy that is). So, carefully cut up the cadaver into two or three separate joints. The following recipe is suitable for a nice shoulder or leg.

Rub all over with freshly ground sea salt and black pepper; make a series of deep incisions in the flesh at two-inch intervals and carefully insert slivers of fresh garlic. Place in your largest Le Creuset ***, with two pints of Evian water, a half-bottle of a full-bodied red wine, half a dozen French oignons and bring to the boil. Then reduce the heat and simmer for two to three hours, depending on weight. Be sure to check every 20 minutes that the liquid hasn't boiled away! Add extra wine and olive oil as necessary. Once the meat is tender, your dog is ready!

Serve your Pit Bull with mashed potatoes and a nice salad. I find a fruity Beaujolais drinks very well with stewed Pittie à la français but my paddy friends swear by Guinness. Whatever your tipple, enjoy our meal! And think: because of your caring approach to Christmas, one more turkey will live to see New Year and the world is rid of another Pit Bull horror.

Le Poirier de la  "Casalonga"



Il était long comme l'espoir,

Lové sur le mur de granit

Qu’il entourait de ses grands bras.

Il semblait un serpent narquois,

Et n'était certes pas très beau,

Mais, bien le meilleur des poiriers.

Quand venaient les jours de Juillet

Les poires commençaient à tomber,

D’abord, bien vertes de couleur ;

Puis, aux premières journées d'août,

Les tendres et jaunes à croquer



Comme de grandes plaines de blé.

L'on pouvait entendre tomber

Ses poires avec un bruit mat,

Qui pleuvaient drues, même la nuit

Et tapissaient le sol herbeux.

C'était la saison des gâteaux,

Des confitures et des compotes.

Les abeilles venaient butiner

Les poires qui jonchaient le sol

Et voletaient autour des mains

Des gourmets venant soupeser

Les plus fermes et les moins brisées.

Qui tombaient parfois de bien haut.

Cher Poirier, vaillant ouvrier,

Aux branches tant ployées de fruits

Que tu en paraissais voûté,

Tu nous donnais sans rechigner

Tant de poires, au parfum vanille

Bien plus que nous pouvions manger.


Paul Arrighi ( Corse /Corsica)

Got stuck with so many dishes.
Cuisines, cushions, comfort as we chewed
Platter stuffed with salads
Reminisced our salad days
Table is now in choc-o-block
Trouble died in our belly [ not with just belly fillers ]
Captured the moments of styled forks and spoons
Bewildered with Greek gourmets
Then finished of in long dreams in siesta
Blurred with sleep
Woke up to our surprise; out there
Our table looked like the
Last Supper Table!

As I embark on my bucket-list travels,

There is something I wish to unravel,

To see my skills at penning poetry,

Over which currently I have no mastery



My family kept goading me,

To shed my lethargy,

And make a beginning,

Which in hindsight, was a self- awakening



It was on a fine morning in sunny Spain,

That I decided to make some meaningful gains,

In penning my first few lines,

Without allowing my mind to work overtime



While walking down the streets of Seville,

You see people wanting to do what they will,

It's a wonderful feeling of being stress-free,

Which makes me think "is this what life is meant to be"?



The street restaurants are a gourmets' delight,

That's  sheer heavenly bliss in every bite,

The menu variety is the joy of any epicurean,

And the task to choose makes it no less Herculean



Street cafes abound in no small measure,

With people flocking in droves to seek hedonistic pleasure,

The wining and dining carry on past midnight,

And makes you wonder whether the end is ever in sight



Beating the heat with a cool retreat,

Are ice creams and sorbets in an array of treats,

The flavors on display makes one spoilt for choice,

But once decided, it is a matter to rejoice



The popular flea market on Sundays,

Is a rarity not seen everyday,

Hawkers displaying their unique wares,

A sight not beholden everywhere



The ornamental antiques,

Embrace the mystique,

To the ardent art lovers' gazing eye,

There is so much stuff that money can buy



To the connoisseur philatelist,

There were no stamps that did not exist,

To the persevering numismatist,

The jingle of coins was a means to co-exist,

The rustle of currency, an erstwhile pleasure to the notaphilists,  

Such a variety of notes no longer exists



Amazing to listen to the ceaseless chatter,

The noisy banter, little did it matter,

Price haggling was no laughing matter,

Achieving the end result was all that did matter



The Triana sector famous for its ceramic ware,

Artistic glazed tiles, pottery and curios discerned just about everywhere,

Such is the craftsmanship excelling in intricate designs,

The wide variety on display just blows away your mind



Meandering through streets and alleys was a pleasure,

Whilst enjoying the local traditions in no small measure,

The staccato Spanish chatter of passers by,

Was a joy to listen- an unique experience that money can't buy



The number of cathedrals was definitely aplenty,

Each with a history extending to posterity,

The majestic domes and sprawling structures,

Bore  ample testimony to ancient and contemporary cultures



The  numerous horse carriages sauntering on the cobblestone paths,

Were a sight to behold with their inimitable trot,

The tourists and locals alike beamed as they rode by,

Responding to the constant cheers of passers-by



As the day dawned on our leaving Seville,

It was more out of compulsion than our own free will,

That with a heavy heart we had to bid adieu,

Knowing fully well that such a feeling was not anew

::::::Just a Poem::::::


The world will end
The Earth will bend
Waters will get thirsty
Ants will grow hefty
The sun will melt
No pain will be felt
The clouds will usurp the sky
Fishes will walk and fly
Trees will run and walk
Flowers will sing and talk
Animals will become wise
As with great heat the Moon will arise
Rivers will flow out from earth
Water will be the measuring unit of wealth
Stories will not be told
Not when old senile grasses will bear forth gold
And mountains will be heaved by valiant men
As they bore forth silvers and diamonds vomiting children
Famers will plant Crimson stones and harvest rubies
Ripping their husbands apart, and searching for crystals, would be feminine hobbies
Lions will be used for transportation, since their claws will turn wheels
Crocodiles will evacuate their aquatic tenements and head for the hills
After losing their flight, birds will trek to volcanic regions for recreation
As venoms of snakes will be used for mummification
Just when planetary bodies muss up after drinking muscatel
And Comets will go wiggling the Universe searching for Meteors to tell
Asteroids will be **** women
Visiting Earth on intervals to eat the luscious renascent three-legged men
Children will converged forging a bulwark with each fiery horn
Ones fixed by a one-tooth worm just about the time they were born
This is a gory war; it will commence when a star will fall
Exactly when vim-less monkeys will bellow a rehearsed rodomontade in the butchery hall
As venerated corpses of Rats receive posthumous worship
Those villains were holy miscreants, who sent many to death-sleep
Their posterities are honored; infamous miscreated Rats, with flagrant mien
But as foretold by the corpulent Prophets, shortened will be the tyrannous Gopheric reign
For they will be swallowed by gigantic-goliath gourmand Hippopotamuses
Their description are ineffable to words, they are of enormous sizes
And aeons from now those gourmets will swallow the earth! And oh! Unreal it will all seem
Because you think this screed is just a Poem!

Composed by SirKelvin
Poem 99, ©SirKel 2016

While Mr. Bartlett was heard to declare,
"I will be famous.  I've found a new pear!"
He was nothing compared to Mr. Newton,
Who found the first fig tree with some fruit on!
When next in a biscuit, he rolled it*,
Enhancing its flavour.  Gourmets extolled it!
Next came a gardener who saw the rain
Run off apples he grew.  Leaving no stain!
Seeing their clean red skin, remarked "Oh Gosh!"
The right name for this brand is "MacIntosh!"
Next came a woman who reached her zenith
When they named a green apple, "Granny Smith!".
With even complexion, and no rumpling,
‘Twas an apple perfect for making a dumpling!
Then a little girl not to be outdone,
Said to her Father in a bit of fun,
I’d like to name that sweet English plum.
I’ll call it Victoria, after my dear old Mum!
Next a sweet, red cherry, they named Bing,
After a soft crooner who loved to sing,
Who cares if it's true? At least it’s romantic.
Besides, let’s not be too pedantic!
Was this how most fruit names were given?
First, folks found they were resolutely driven
To put their name to a specific fruit.
Then came others who quickly followed suit!
Whether we like the results, most agree,
It's how some things are named.  Will always be!
But should you develop a fruit like a pear,
Your name must be worthy for it to bear.
Can you imagine the grief begotten
If your name should  be Ava Rotten?!

Rhymer . February 2nd, 2018.

As I embark on my bucket-list travels,

There is something I wish to unravel,

To see my skills at penning poetry,

Over which currently I have no mastery



My family kept goading me,

To shed my lethargy,

And make a beginning,

Which in hindsight, was a self- awakening



It was on a fine morning in sunny Spain,

That I decided to make some meaningful gains,

In penning my first few lines,

Without allowing my mind to work overtime



While walking down the streets of Seville,

You see people wanting to do what they will,

It's a wonderful feeling of being stress-free,

Which makes me think "is this what life is meant to be"?



The street restaurants are a gourmets' delight,

That's  sheer heavenly bliss in every bite,

The menu variety is the joy of any epicurean,

And the task to choose makes it no less Herculean



Street cafes abound in no small measure,

With people flocking in droves to seek hedonistic pleasure,

The wining and dining carry on past midnight,

And makes you wonder whether the end is ever in sight



Beating the heat with a cool retreat,

Are ice creams and sorbets in an array of treats,

The flavors on display makes one spoilt for choice,

But once decided, it is a matter to rejoice



The popular flea market on Sundays,

Is a rarity not seen everyday,

Hawkers displaying their unique wares,

A sight not beholden everywhere



The ornamental antiques,

Embrace the mystique,

To the ardent art lovers' gazing eye,

There is so much stuff that money can buy



To the connoisseur philatelist,

There were no stamps that did not exist,

To the persevering numismatist,

The jingle of coins was a means to co-exist,

The rustle of currency, an erstwhile pleasure to the notaphilists,  

Such a variety of notes no longer exists



Amazing to listen to the ceaseless chatter,

The noisy banter, little did it matter,

Price haggling was no laughing matter,

Achieving the end result was all that did matter



The Triana sector famous for its ceramic ware,

Artistic glazed tiles, pottery and curios discerned just about everywhere,

Such is the craftsmanship excelling in intricate designs,

The wide variety on display just blows away your mind



Meandering through streets and alleys was a pleasure,

Whilst enjoying the local traditions in no small measure,

The staccato Spanish chatter of passers by,

Was a joy to listen- an unique experience that money can't buy



The number of cathedrals was definitely aplenty,

Each with a history extending to posterity,

The majestic domes and sprawling structures,

Bore  ample testimony to ancient and contemporary cultures



The  numerous horse carriages sauntering on the cobblestone paths,

Were a sight to behold with their inimitable trot,

The tourists and locals alike beamed as they rode by,

Responding to the constant cheers of passers-by



As the day dawned on our leaving Seville,

It was more out of compulsion than our own free will,

That with a heavy heart we had to bid adieu,

Knowing fully well that such a feeling was not anew

WHEAT AND WEEDS
I imagine that there are some folks
who may have the spirit that destroys
what is good because they can't produce
Luscious fruit but litter is their crops.

Vicious weeds, who may expect from you
useful wheat which people love to eat.
You can't give what's good that people like,
so you try to wreck what few can bring.

Gourmets won't deem weeds as their own food.
They will always seek succulent crops.
Man can't live on ******* envy yields
though he fears that envy's ***** tongue.
BY JOSEPH ZENIEH
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
____________

WHEAT AND WEEDS
I imagine that there are some folks
who may have the spirit that destroys
what is good because they can't produce
Luscious fruit but litter is their crops.

Vicious weeds, who may expect from you
useful wheat which people love to eat.
You can't give what's good that people like,
so you try to wreck what few can bring.

Gourmets won't deem weeds as their own food.
They will always seek succulent crops.
Man can't live on ******* envy yields
though he fears that envy's ***** tongue.
BY JOSEPH ZENIEH
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
____________