The barn door creaked open, and I faced it like a scared rabbit, my breath panting, short and rapidly.

The silhouette figure of Jim stood there, his strong, distinctive voice calling out, "Mary?"

I couldn't respond like I wanted to. Maybe I should of just stood there and hid in the darkness and he would leave. I felt so cowardly and so ashamed of myself.

"Mary! Are you in in here?"

"Yes, I'm here", I replied nervously, my voice shaky. I couldn't stop my lip from quivering, even though the darkness of the night hid it from full view. Trying to look brave, I quickly asked Jim, "You got a smoke?"

Where did that come from? I never smoked before, even when Sue and all her friends did it. How they used to make fun of me for refusing a cigarette! Now here I was blutting out things that never would have come out of my mouth before.

Firm and steady, Jim held the match to my cigarette, but my hand shook so badly that he looked at me intensely. Soon, I feared that I would faint if he did not look away.  In the warmth of the flame, he eyes flickered, and I felt goose bumps rise upon my skin.

He steadied my hand for me, and I took a weak puff upon my Lucky Strike. "What's the matter?", he asked "You look like you saw a ghost. You're shaking from head to toe!"

"I'm just cold", I lied.

In a flash, Jim wrapped his jacket around me, and in another flash, his reassuring arms were folded around my waist as he pulled me close to himself.

Now my knees were really ready to give way. Thank God that he had me in his grip, for I would have fallen for sure. I looked out into the darkness, it nearly pitch black if not for the tip of my burning cigarette.

Sue stood there, hands on her hips in her cocky way. "Don't be such a baby!", she warned. "Relax, or it'gs going to hurt a lot worse!"

I shuddered. Why did I have to think of her! My sister!

Reluctantly, I asked her for advice this morning. She was the only one who knew where I really was tonight. Oddly enough, she was the only one I could trust to keep her mouth shut. To Sue, snitching was something only weaklings and losers did, and she was neither. We were not close sisters, but I realized if anybody knew anything about anything, it was Sue.

So maybe I was a baby, just a step away from dolls as far as my sister was concerned. Yet here I was, on the edge of a fate that was supposed to make me a woman, that made me desirable to a full-grown man. Who cared about Sue now anyway? I imagined her just slipping away, becoming smaller and smaller.

Jim's comforting arms, his wondrous touch--I felt his warm breath against my cheek, his fingers work magic upon my back.

But someting was terribly wrong.

I was pulled into it too fast. It was not me standing there as his deep kisses engulfed me into my make-believe fantasy. As Jim overpowered me, I should have been on the top of the world. I should have felt beautiful, felt like I meant something.

I tried to stop, to pull away, to refuse to go any further. All along I thought of what I should tell him.  I don't want to do this! Stop! I can't stay here with you. I really like you, but I can't! Will you let me just go back home, please?"

Instead, I could not find my voice, or my footing. He was going too far. It was all going too fast, on a runaway freight train which I had no way to jump off from . I felt too weak, too overwhelmed, embarassed just to push him away. Blood rushing into my temples, I felt myself spinning as the room was spinning, spinning out of control like that crazy, old iron rooster skating about in the wind on top of the barn.

Jim lay me down so easily as he placed himself on top of me. For that awkward moment, I did not want to be there, so I removed myself from the situation the best that I could. In the remaining time we were together, fear ruled as I shut my eyes and expected the worst.

Finally, I did find my voice. My scream was so piercing, lough enough to knock that rooster off its bearings from up above. It was as if my soul had been pierced too, torn right down past the flesh and through a writhing pain of guilt and sorrow.

Like a woman in heavy labor,  at last I knew what my sister was talking about. The rip and tear of my innocence seemed so gone away from me. Just like that.

All I could do was wimper like a puppy, the illusion of what love was shattered before my eyes. Pulling away from me, I swore that Jim  gave me a look of suspicion and anger, one that I would never forget.

From the gaps in the roof came enough exposure to shed a few rays of moonlight. I lay there as Jim harshly grabbed me by the shoulders.

"How old are you!?, he demanded

"Fifteen", I admitted, meekly.

For a moment, he just sat there, stunned. The moment felt like a lifetime to me. What was he going to do? Slowly, he bagan to shake his head in disbelief.

Then abruptly he rose up. "You're bad news!", he concluded. He grabbed his jacket, took off, and left me with words that would hurt and sting far more than our encounter together.

What occurred after that seemed like slow motion. The night seemed to last and last, in punitive judgment, as it took me a while to leave that spot, my knees curled up to my chest in a fetal position.

Eventually, I did rise up, fix myself up and headed for home--only because my stomach was growling.

But I did not feel hungry.

I tried to imagine what Sue would say after she pulled the truth out of me. You know you are still a ****** if you couldn't go through with it! She'd have that superior, smug look on her face. And ****** if I was going to feel small in her presence!

I went through the kitchen door of my house. The dawn barely breaking after the dark hours, so punishing and so long.

To my surprise, there was my father's voice from behind his favorite armchair. "You came home from Janey's house sooner than you said", he commented, startling me back to reality. "Much earlier than I expected", he added, almost as if to say, "It's nice one of you girls listens to your dear, old dad".

That was enough to bring about a true confession, a flood of repentant tears. But turning around, as I made my way upstairs, I forced a weak smile.

Yet, what I really wanted to do was turn around and run right into his lap and pour out my heart. That would be the fantasy of a child, and I fought off the urge .

I did not know what I was anymore. Still a girl? A sucker? At that moment, I felt like I did not even exist, numb and shocked to the core.

Sue met me in the hallway and started to ask me in eager whipsers, "Ok, did you do it? How was he?"

I shoved her down on the floor so quickly that she couldn't believe it. "I couldn't get enough!" , I sneered at her, my fist curled up, ready for another comment from her. Our eyes met, and mine were so steely that her reaction shocked me.

Sue never saw me this way, and lay there before me, speechless.
  
I got away and made it to my seclusion. Before the bathroom mirror, at last I was safe. The tears fianlly came as I studied myself closely. There was no sound, only silent, long, wet tears.

Who now stood before me was different than who she was before, and I mourned the loss of my innoence.

Dear Hello  

A dark cloud  has been allowed to loom over us for to long.
And for all of you who  have fell victem  to this overgrown
child of a cyber bully I am truley sorry,

Now  with that said  I throw down the challenge to
the one we do not speak of   my numbers are many
my pub is full  the whiskey is free and the message is simple
I will no longer take crap from a certin sweetheart from hell.

Who fianlly posted work and proved my point.
If it wasnt for the hipe she created there would be
nothing even remotley special   about her snore infested work.

Point blank its you our me and this site is not
big enough for the both of us.
If you are what people truley want here then i will gladly leave.

You could have went to poetry soup  but in all truth you wouldnt have made a ripple in the water the only reason you have is cause people react to your *******.

Half of your so called fans are actully you.
you want to cross me i'll out you everytime.
Cause a person who  enjoys huting others  is a punk.

And a old *** woman who goes around talking ****
cause she's so insecure   about her own work.
Well is just pathetic and people who applaud the garbage
that comes outta your mouth are either you or
just as ****** up as you.

You do not hand out  criticism  your a heckler.
Poetry is self expression and to be honest with people
takes courage but to simply say utter crap.
shows your ignorance and lack of respect
for anyone.

Not everyone you bash is a adult  so I ask you
this.
Being a mother yourself would you want
a grown adult verbally attacking your kids?

Your playing a character i am guilty of that also
but i do not hurt others in doing so.
Had you came here posted your work
offred constructive  critcism  you would have done
fine  here  I could care less  if you hate me.

Cause  good or bad Im not a person who hides.
I will not complain behind your back im talking directly to you.
drop  the act drop the hate.
If you do id never speak another word against you.

I will say one thing that was wrong of me.
I should not have revealed the fact  of who you
truley are for you are so insecure you must hide
yourself  from everyone.

I do not hide  and I do not spread hatred.
It's simple the people should speak not fear
we should have a vote  me or you who stays and who goes.

Because  if  your actions are what people want.
then I dont want  to be part of this.

It's fine not to like everyone  cause it's clear
me and you are just two diffrent kinds of people.
You speak about your high profile job  well
if you were so busy then you wouldnt have
time to waste on us lesser beings.

To me  I would like to hear your real voice.
Not the villan act for if that is who you truley
are you a sad human being.

So people of hello I ask are you going to tollerate  
the constant attacks  is that what you want?
Is that what you want a poetry web site to be?

You let one of these people stay soon the river will
become a stagnate pond.
Hate does not  breed creativity it breeds ignorance.

So I ask what do you want this site to become?

My life is on a roll, because I fianlly get to live it,
My right foot hung a cliff, but my left began to pivot.
Cause that's how I lived my life, completly on the edge,
But today I live in comfort, I steer clear from any ledge.

The thought I have today, about how I  lived and thrived,
Scares me more than ever, I'm so grateful I'm alive.
My middle name was "apathay", my last was "no control",
but now that name has changed, the glass is more than full.

Today I live "transition", and look forward to progression,
note that these are blessings, and a highly valued lesson.
And this adventure never ends, it has really just begun,
the wind is at my back, and I can finally see the sun.

i can't help but think of exploring your pasture with you. filled with creeks that overran with water, and trees that made everything feel strong. the scraps of trash that made perfect chairs for us to sit and talk about everything that ****** in the world, and everything that we were afraid of. then nothing much mattered.
and i think of your dad, and the tiredness in his voice when he saw me, and tried to get out his best "hello," just for me. i think of the strength he carried within him, the strength he carried to hide the things that hurt him, mostly his own body betraying him, and making each step harder than the one before.  
i can't help but think of the day your parents brought back pan dolce after your dad's doctor appointment. something sweet to **** the sadness. i told you not to let me eat alone, so there we were, like kids in a candy store stuffing our faces. and as you left to the bathroom, i sat alone in your kitchen and searched for something to wipe the crumbs from my mouth, your house being so foreign to me, he saw me. he understood my shyness and laughed. something so simple as a napkin and i felt understood. i saw him. i saw you.
and i think of your eyes, the day you told me how you were scared that soon you'd need to be strong for everyone. i think of the fear in your voice that followed after you confessed to me, "the pills aren't working anymore."
i can't help but think of laying on your couch. your dad across from me watching a show he didn't care much about, but stayed because your mother was next to him. and i think of how much i saw him love her, how much she loved him more, in the short time i got to love you.
and i think of May when you were afraid i'd never come back, when you asked me, "why'd it take you so long?" and something in me understands now that you were right to be afraid, because as your friend i failed to come home when you needed me most.
so today, i couldn't help and hurt, to cry when i saw you from a distance. black from head to toe. and since May, i fianlly saw you. but now i couldn't see him. but i'm trying not to be sad, because how selfish of me to be upset that no longer does each step hurt, and the pills no longer matter.
how lucky i am, to know you.
how lucky i was, to know him.

i no longer constantly write
from a place of sadness and hurt.
i am trying to write
from a place of happiness and light
because those feelings of
happiness and love
are what i want to feel
all the time.

i spent almost all of my teenage years
being sad and miserable -
doing horrible things to myself
and to the ones i love the most.
i never want to go back there
ever again.
i want to fianlly be happy with myself,
my body,
who i am as a person.

and i think i can do that.