My heart beats so quickly when you say my name.
Perhaps its because I am still in awe that your lips are uttering it.
It sounds better rolling off your tongue than it does mine.
Deana
You care for each syllable as if it were your own child--
slowly nudging each one forward to help it grow and blossom
Deana
Hard consonant melts into warm caramel from your hot breath,
The vowels making an 'ah' shape like the ones you make in my bed.
So softly, you whisper in my ear and build my heart up to the sky--
I'm floating in my own name; floating in your smooth voice.
Deana
Pronouncing it with such care that I am at once startled and soothed.
Deana
Never stop saying my name.
Deana
Deana
*Deana

Dina?
Deanna?
Deena?

What was her name?
A diminutive of something
Or a shortening.
And I don’t even think that I am close

I miss you.

a small concrete table
white
a group of girls
Smoking and smoking and smoking
Trading lipgloss
I don’t remember what we talked about

But I do remember that the meds made you so
Hungry
“Are you gonna eat that?”

That’s how it begins in such places
Passing off a cig
Or trading processed food
Or just giving it away.

Have a lie down
or hand over the pill stored in your cheek
for someone
needier.

You said after your second plateful of anything
Make sure you let me know if I start getting fat

I tried not to follow you around
We had breakfast
Cigarette breaks
lunch and dinner
I could have sat with you all day and night

But I let you roam like a yearling
talking too much to too many people
Spinning around in the hallways
The skinny girl
on the floor doing a striptease on her back
in the streaming sunlight
I could tell
That you got paid for this at some point
Even the imaginary boa scared these boys

You loved to talk about God
I, however, do not

You loved a ****** ******
They were your favorite
and would reminisce with the junkies
Always sitting close-by
You claimed that you could make a man cry
By what you could do to his body
I can only imagine
what you’ve done so far
At your age
and you have a kid

I know
that you’re frightened
to be alone
with your mother
She’s so small
You wouldn’t want to hurt her

And I see her
that one time
with candies and soda
that you made her bring from
the 99 cent store to share
with all these people that don’t like you
that she is
a tiny thing
Yes
anyone could crush her
I see your point.

Deena
Dina
Deana

I can’t remember your name

You’d wake me for breakfast
Or, I you
You said the voices never stop in your head
Not just voices but other strange noises too
You acted like it was
a drag
But in fact you were **** scared

I can hear sounds too I offered
Bells
And Strings
Faint Voices calling my name
Offering succinct advice
Can’t everyone?
Leaning against a wall
with you at my feet
I saw your head snap
To the right
I said
Don’t worry
I heard that too
And you were so relieved
You grasped my feet in gratitude

You said that you are three.
Dread is the bad one
a male
And another
a ****** female who’s name
I can’t remember either
I suggested that there were more
Perhaps.
I met the ***** and I did not like her
at all
In anger I returned your sweatshirt
And you said
You know she’s terrible
I told you that
Take back the shirt
It’s cold

The men here don’t understand
our
Relationship
They assume that it’s lovey
Their minds are blown by
Companionship in difficult circumstances
Holding hands might help you through
You never know until you try

You loved to have arguments over the Bible
I would make a lot of noise to shut it down
I cannot listen to that
You would talk on that phone on the wall
With the father of your child
About god
You missed your boy’s
first day
of kindergarten
You called him on that phone to make sure that he got the plastic truck
or some such toy in your absence

I wonder when you gave up your life
When an injection of Ativan in your ***
and a night
In an darkened empty room
Bound
became an ideal resolution.
You couldn’t figure out
why you had a lump on your head
And I explained that
it was the result of
banging it repeatedly
against the wall.
Side effects of Lorazepam include:
Little recall

You seemed to have a plan.
Visiting and writing up the coast
The Dean Moriarty of Hospitals
But what about your kid?
The doctors say you can’t leave until you’re well
I couldn’t even tell what’s wrong exactly
Or what he’s really trying to tell you
Other than too much too soon
But that’s every girl in LA
Isn’t it?
You said that
It
Emerged at age 24.

I think about your son.
I can’t believe that you have one.
And your mother
Who adopted you.
What did she in fact bring home?

Deanna.
Dina.

When they called to say that my car was here
That I could go
You covered my neck
With kisses
And said Thank You Thank You
I Don’t Know
What I Would Have Done Without You

What is your name?

Dee.
D.
Just the letter.
I remember
Thank you.

Here I am now,
...and I still love you still.
Here I am now,
...and I still love you still.
Here I am now,
...and I still love you still.

Where have you been -these past thirteen years?
Grab ahold my heart -drowning in my tears,
Here I am now, -still love you still...

Here I am now,
...and I still love you still.
Here I am now,
...and I still love you still.
Here I am now,
...and I still love you still.

All this time has passed -here you are,
Called me from the blue -there you are,
Eyes entranced together and twinkling like two stars...

Here I am now,
...and I still love you still.
Here I am now,
...and I still love you still.
Here I am now,
...and I still love you still.

Here I am now and there you are,
Goodbye forgotten years and grab ahold my heart,
Still love you still, -emerging from my dark.

Here I am now,
...and I still love you still.
Here I am now,
...and I still love you still.
Here I am now,
...and I still love you still.

holding on so tight
tightly to what
made me sad are you happy
to always welcoming hands
wander/lusting heart

am i lonely//are you lonesome
which road will take me to you
quick flashes of connections — where to run off to next.

open up to him and he will show you what you are capable of.

do i have a wall up with you
yes
i am letting you in i am letting you in
now say it until you believe it
in i am letting you in
— all my poetry is about falling apart—

i can hardly hear myself think
you are so much you are so many sad songs. you are so new and nostalgic.
does that make sense?
deana, you’re not understanding what i’m saying.

——————brick——————

I was born in December
with hair black as the night sky
and skin white as the moon
so my mother named me Deana.