Everyday that goes by, his heart gets a little weaker. we used to joke that he didnt have one, now he actually wont.
his voice used to resonate through the house, rattling the walls and slamming the doors. we used to joke that we’d be better off if he’d run out of breath, now he actually does.
some days i try not to breath so i can feel what he feels when hes gasping for air. fear clogs my throat and blocks my vision. im not sure if its fear for him or for myself when hes gone.
ive been spoiled since birth, never having to put anyone before myself growing up, always getting my way. now i know what i want most of all out of everything in my life but the only response i hear is the yelling and stomping of my tantrum attacks, god looking at me and saying see you cant always get what you want.
In times of crisis i always retreat into myself, finding shelter in my thoughts and words. This time though, theres no solace in my mind, only panic and hopelessness making me want to escape. The voices get loud and they shout what if, what if, what if. A 50/50 chance isnt a lot to hang on to and everywhere i grasp my hand comes up empty. Trust isnt my strong point and i cant trust a possibility.
Im afraid one day ill get a letter titled “mesages from beyond” and each one will say “you couldve done better”.
Im looking for something like hope but every corner i turn is silent and dark. The quite used to relax me but now it surrounds me, all i can hear is the echo of my voice.
The fort i built around myself is crumbling at a fast pace, all my gaurds betrayed me leaving me when i needed them most. winning this war looks unnattainable by myself, how do you win when the enemy can only be defeated when the person you want to save is deafeated too?
The only letter i want to get is one saying “you did the best you could”.
