I'm constantly giving mixed signals.
I told him that I loved him,
That I missed him,
And that I needed space.

Pull him closer when he goes away,
And push him back once he's close.
I'm surprised he hasn't called me on it yet.

I've got him in the palm of my hand to either hold him next to my heart
Or forget until it's convienent.

Sometimes I catch myself so sunk in his thoughts and his smile,
And other times he's just another pulse in the room.

He gets so torn up and keeps running back.
They say you hate the sin but love the sinner,
And I think that's how this is.
He doesn't understand me and is dangerously intrigued.

I can't tell if it's all in my head or all in my heart.
They give me mixed signals, and I give them to him.

truly convienent
to be able to tell your boss
im just taking a break
right back to it when i finish this poem
****
you can hang dry wall
AND
write something to make someone
smile
cry
point a finger in your direction

yeah
about that
there isnt anything special
in my portfolio
just stuff i scribble on bar napkins
next to the doodles of you
maps too
in the small spaces that are left
i write those down
i mostly leave them for the barkeep
but not always

sometimes i bring them back to work
here into the room with
the tarps on the floor
cans full of paint
and joint compound
to reread them

and if i werent lieing
about smoking all these cigarettes
i would tell you
that im going to my car to write
just ONE more
before i send you those TPS reports

if only i could upload
all the doodles attached to them
people would know
that im PROBABLY better off
sticking to writing

i'm okay with the silence that fills the air when we walk past each other now, and the half empty smiles shared amongst us when we both are walking in through the same door.
i'm okay with not wondering what you're doing, or if it's her you're missing, or why you can't sleep. i realize now that your curiosity only runs as far as my brastrap and *******, and once your fingers found my skin, my magic disappeared.

so for that i apologize. i take full responsibility. but i no longer have to settle and i no longer am allowing you to have power over me.

you don't get to make me feel worthless and full of emptiness. you aren't allowed to steal my purity, even if you stole it elsewhere. i am not used, i am not broken, and i promise you
i will continue to live.
you don't get to call at midnight when you miss her and need me. you aren't allowed to come in my heart when it's convienent for you and pluck the growth from me. i know you despise to see me move on, to see me let go, so i'll do just that because i realize now
**i am worth it, and i deserve so much more.

sometimes i think that
you are under the impression
that i'll always be around
because with me it was about
safe & warm
the calm from the storm
and you knew you had that
with me
i think you took me for granted
i think you didn't realize what you had
but i'm slowly, slowly, slowly
seeing my worth
and i'm more valuable than
you gave me credit for
maybe you'll never understand this
that if i'm alone
it's really by choice
& because i know
i'm not settling for less
than magic
if that means waiting i'm okay with that
it has nothing to do with you
because i don't think it will ever change
i don't think you will ever truly see me
you see what you want
when you want
need me when it's convienent
but that's not for me
you can't love me sometimes
if it's not all the time
then there's not much of a point

it's just embarrassing to speak to someone who doesn't want to listen
you don't have to tell me i'm sick
as if its something outlandish
i accept my illness
i've been in therapy for months
shows how little you know
or care to know (how little you care to know)
i guess it's more convienent for you to only see illness in me
to make me the permanent black sheep
(a bad seed)
the festering (open) sore of the family

It seems they own us already... Well played... Well played... Thanks to all the fuckwits with out integrity or vision... **** all the dimwits placated with social justice bs and not on choices and moral values caring for life and living. We are all well and truly ******. Virus take me, this **** is laying out a painful future I don't want to be a part of. Stay safe. You're never safe.  It's immunity or strength. We're still part of a conspiracy we all didn't want to see coming...

Oh, where are you Orwell when we need you? What a prophet, wondrous genius labelled it fantasy so that those who could see may lead the blind...

War machine no1 mkultra on steroids social and cultural shift media. Blurry lines, smaller tribes are overcome much easier with global propaganda. Watching the sun's role in global warming. It is omnipotent and we are in its fancy, but as we destroy ourselves we lament and continue our diet of convienence truths and lies.

Where are you Orwell when we need you? What a prophet, wondrous genius labelled it fantasy so that those who could see may lead the blind...

Our youth dumber and more pandered and selfish than ever
The road to communism was never straight
Our identities once given now traded into the thin air of whimsy only to be handed them again.

As we destroy ourselves we lament and continue our diet of convienent truths and lies.

The Beast the bible foretold, is ourselves and what the elements we have created as the four horse men...


never a truer wiser book was there written than the humble of the humblessed... yeah I know you see what I did there... or do you? Best blessings SS **