-PROLOG-
                



               A whooshof air playing with a tender long brown hair, a wave of flips of curly hair. AS the sun sets in the mountains of Colorado with a misty glow on the pure crystal snow. As I glaze in the beauty, I turned around in a grunted sigh and walk to my bran new house in the middle of no where. I said walking back to house with my family "why did my **** step-dad have to bring us here in this dump, pssh I hate him so much!!" with my flench curled up and my knuckles turning white, teeth clenching, kicking rocks to take all my anger on. Crossing down by the bank of mystical waterfall that held frozen and was a piece of art to any who hates water still would make it beautiful. Passing by with full rage of anger reaching my sister with a graden rose dress, black sandles to surrounds her newely fresh scab formed on her righ knee, but with a smile thats lights up this dull place. Man that girl can always cheer me up even im ****** at the world i could never be mad at my sister i thought whiled walking slowing down a wave a brushy grass that any person or animal could fall on....before my sister could reach me in a small peice of my eye caught something it was a man in black clothing sticking his hand out saing "rachel." pause "rachel come... come..." and slowly dissapeared. As I stood in shock my body froze in fear it felt a trap of death and slowl everthing went black out all i could hear were faint screams of my sister before it blocked out for good. " Sister!!! Wake up!! MOM!!!! DAD!!!!!!! COME HERE!!!!!" Jennifer said with crystal water tears holding my hand trying to wake me up but failed to. "Honey did you hear something?" my mother tilted her head while she unpacked the car. " What were you saying teresa i could not hearyou i was getting everthing settled in thehouse but thenyou called me so what i-" richered got cut by a bloddy screem in the near distance in the woods. "MOMMY!!!! FATHER!!!!" the both parents look in shock and dropped every thing and dashed out the front lawn. "mommy.....father...where are you..."jenniferjust cried there hopeless while I laid there in silence. "Oh my god Jennifer are you alright what were screaming about" mother said worry in her eye while killing Jeniffer with a big bear hug. " What in gods name made you scream like that" Richered said frowning and getting with a cocky attituded. Jennifer ploted out mother's strong arms and raced down to me where I still laid dead silence. " what the hell, where is she going... holy sh-" my mother was about to scream like akiller was after but she calm her self and went to jennifer's side and was nearly about to cry. " Don't worry teresa she's breathing so thats a good thing lets take her to the doctors before anything else happens and jennifer could you explianed what happened to your big sis please it would help alot." Richered said begging for help. "umm well she was going down this hill then she froze in fear as she saw something bad then the next thing pwoof going down twumbling and she went blank" Jeniffer said looking in her eyes with very much concern.
                     with about a three hour car to doctors the family of four came rushhing for help "excuse me ma'ma can you help me...im in a diffuclt spot please helpmy daughter in law" Richered said with a firery pumped up voice. " Yes sir whats the problem" the young blond teen siad as typing on the computer to comform the document to acces the doctor. " My daughter she fainted and wont wake up and its been over 4 hours can you please help her" Richered said sheepishly as finder his wife and her younger child right behind him and my mom carring me. "Ok sir just put her on hospital bed room 34 please and you may visit her after the docotor comes to see her but for now just wait here in the wiaitng room. about an hour passed the docotor who was taking care of me came in the room saying " Mr. and Mrs. randof may you come with me." he said with a demading tone. "Yes sir may my daughter come to?" mother said trying not to show fear in her voice "of corse" he said while letting the family through the back door then the hallway that leads to my room. " she up but we dont know what happened...so we need to go to the hospital to checked up by more higher professionals." the doctor eyed my in like what in the world happened. There was an akwarad silence until my step dad intruded that peace and manage to say " w-well ok and now Rachel would you care to explian what happed to you" Richered said while to strengthen his tone back. " yes..." I paused to re-gain my memory " So I took a walk and walked back to house but i passed the frozen lake that froms like a waterfallbut its frozen so i saw Jennifer and i was  about t call her name but then i saw a person in a black robe sticking his hand out liketrying to grab me it kept on sayin Rachel..Rachel come come and when i turned completely it was gone completely like if it were a ghost and then i felt a horror shock come over my body and could the world turning black then only hearing Jennifer's faint screams of concern and down I fainted then went to silence...." I finaly said with lifting my head slowly and with a greck bolt in my eyes I looked right behind them there was again. With seeing it again it turn pale with tearns rolling down my eyes like waterfalls and hushed to cold knock out.

Take long showers and rub your skin raw
Until it becomes red
And their touch has been washed off
Their kisses and hugs washed down the drain

Say their name over and over
Until it becomes distorted
And foreign in your mouth
So all that's left are traces of bitter taste
Wash it down with a glass of wine
Or two
Or three

Remove all the sheets and blankets
That were once entangled with their legs
And embedded with their scent
Clean them. Rip them. Burn them.
Buy new ones. Buy a new bed.
One where the mattress has yet
To comform their figure

Start hating yourself
Because no matter what steps you take
You can never forget them
You don't even really want to

im usually drawn to blue eyes
but i guess
you broke a lot of my "usuallys" this week
but your eyes
they are the most beautiful brown
i have ever seen
they dont comform to the normal brown eyes
they sparkle when you smile
when you laugh
i love looking at the little crinkles in the corners
when you laugh too hard
at your own joke
i want to look into them all day
your deep
dark
perfect
beautiful
lovely
every wonderful verb in every language
arent enough to describe them

I feel as though I'm watching from a screen,
The comedies that pass me by that turn into tragedies,
The sheep who comform to what's hot,
And those who try to be unique,
But I'm just here,
Watching,
Waiting for something to happen.

Please let me lose that rythem
When things don't rhyme and flow
I am not the tides
Shimmering in and out
I need to know you approve of me
And that I'm doing the right thing
When I step out of my comfort zone
Because here, I don't know the boundaries
That I really would like to comform to.
I know that learning from mistakes is good
But sometimes, with anxiety,
Making mistakes is devastating
So when I ask you to give me a direction,
Do not tell me it is up to me
Because I will cry
Failure is not an option
If we've still got
Death
And taxes
And death doesn't sound too desireable either
You are my mentors
So,
Show me how to *succeed

Am feeling as if Time & Detachment of sensibility to my enviroment people and thoughts are retained and analyzed to comform to my pattern of thinking...as if I am slightly comforted by a sense of relaxation/laziness that makes time pass in a form of carelessness and desensitization. My body is enormously relaxed and has a natural sense of calmness. Entuned and warped with light ease of mixed emotinal stress & the pressures of life are reduced by this slowed calm and relaxed feelings of peace & it's release of mental frustrations and stress. Time and space seem to be flowing more at ease with a touch of carelessness and relaxed sense of being comfortable in my own skin, enviroment and the people am surronded with. Perhaps I am slightly detached from feelings of anxiety, triggers to use and emotional stress have been diminished. I have finally let go of my obsession to use destructive substances...just for today I am clean & maintaining sober posture.