"colton" poems
Memory is a beautiful thing.
Those warm summer mornings sitting on the front porch.
Jumping on Colton's trampoline in a frilled baby pink tu-tu.
Little white bows in my golden curls as I bounce,
grinning so wide,
in the rays of the Texas sun.
Trips to the lake in our old boat.
The water warm and glittering, calling me for a swim.
Tubing behind the Seaswirl with my baby brother,
giggling like little kids do.
My old cowgirl costume for Halloween.
Running from door to door with an old ragged filled pillowcase in hand.
Singing Hilary Duff in my 5th grade talent show.
Nervously shaking as I watch the smiling crowd in front of me.
My first crush sitting next to me in math class,
Mrs. Woo telling me to stop daydreaming.
Green eyes that stare back into mine, laughing, moving in front of me.
Adventures in Burbank with Megan.
Laughing so hard we fall to the sidewalk in front of a full Mexican restaurant.
My first boyfriend kissing me under an oak tree,
in McCambridge Park at sunset.
Here I sit now.
At my washed out desk in a new dorm,
in college.
My life will keep moving on,
and I have all these beautiful memories to fill it with.
My own personal home videos to dance through my head,
as I think,
as I dream,
as I film more to think back on in ten years.
Life is too beautiful to waste.
I thank God that I have been so blessed to be living.
Loving, laughing, singing, dancing, smiling
and holding on to this free spirit that possesses me and moves me.
Someday life will be but a wonderful memory.
Sep 21, 2012
Sep 21, 2012 at 4:03 PM UTC
ME: gmorn i'm sore but will try walking today
FRIEND: What u sore from?
ME: my whole body aches from every day of the last few weeks
FRIEND: I see. Yes, start slow and do what u can.
ME: Was his death quick and painless or slow and agonizing? Do I want really want to know? Will a forensic pathologist supplying me with his cause of death provide me with that elusive state known as 'closure'??...I wake up but the nightmare never goes away....
FRIEND: :-( , that is very very saddening I don't want to give the wrong idea when I say that I've felt like I could relate to Colton when I hear you talk about him, because I was a pretty messed up kid and was in a lot of trouble, but very high spirited, and when trouble came I wasn't scared, but gave all I had. That's how I think, and I've thought about that.
ME: maybe he died "ok"?? its been 5 yrs but i'm just now feeling it....
FRIEND: Because u always kept hope that he may come home.
ME: ok as in he was brave and knew he was loved...
FRIEND: That is correct. I don't see fear from him. Maybe anger, but I don't fear. If anything he was worried about you, and if you'd be ok. Knowing u wouldnt is what scared him. Now u know, he is home He's been with u 'all this time. I've lived though a couple of those moments, and that's what I thought about, the ones who brought me in this world and my family cause I knew they loved me.
ME: if i had known that night the truth i would have no doubt about it, knowing my state of mind at that time, committed suicide ...it was graciousness that allowed me 5 yrs of slow torture.
FRIEND: <3
ME: you're good ppl
Dec 23, 2013
Dec 23, 2013 at 9:20 AM UTC
Inspired by the Colton Boushie verdict.
There is no respect when one of us is shot.
There is no respect when our children are taken away.
There is no respect when one of us goes missing or is murdered.
There is no respect when we have no drinking water and live in 3rd world shacks.
There is no respect when the RCMP break down our doors and throw our elders to the floor.
There is no respect when it is okay for a white man to **** us and the media tells everyone we are to blame.
There is no respect.
There is apathy.
There is ignorance.
There is violence.
There is death.
There is silence.
But
There is a voice born everyday.
A community that continues to grow.
There is an elder who continues to teach.
And there is a path we must continue to walk.
There is a fire in our hearts that will never go out.
And those voices born today will teach those born tomorrow that we will never fail.
Because together we will have justice in this life or the next for this path never ends.
Mar 19, 2018
Mar 19, 2018 at 8:47 PM UTC
my purpose of those yearly vigils
was primarily
as an effort for Colton
to hear
through the grapevine
in one form
or another
that he was
not only
not forgotten
but that he was
extremely
well loved
and sincerely missed
and to show Colton
that whether his leaving was unintentional
as in
afraid to come home for missing curfew
and 1 day turned into 2,3,4
and by that time he may have felt
that he had painted himself
into a corner
and I wanted him to
not feel embarrassed
or humiliated
that this had gone on
as far as it had
because, hell, the whole world that knew him
or at least his family
and friends
were willing to have a party
and he was the guest of honor!!!!
No, it's not like
I ever had that fantasy
that in the middle of pizza
the first year
or grilled burgers
that last year
that he would come walking up
and join us
although it was a comforting story
we all let run through out minds
at least once
or twice
as we planned these events
ea September
although
my once upon a time story
usually had Colton
walking in the back door
as i'm doing dishes
(see, it really is a fairy tale)
and in typical Colton fashion
he tries to play it off
tries to play me
with a "Hi, Mom"
and act like nothing had happened
and I am torn between hugging him
and grounding him
But actually
I know I would have done
what I always did
to all of my children
whenever they came back from camp
or being with the other parent
or whenever
I had gone away
from them
for any length of time
was sniff their head
and get that scent of them
just like when they were babies
although teenage head is not the same smell
especially if they haven't washed their hair
it's a mom thang
(Did you kids know this
or was I slick when I did this)
Or had Colton purposely planned
his get away
in an effort to start a new identity
knowing in hindsight
just how horribly stressed he had been
with events occurring to him
at such a young age of 17
and it was bittersweet
to hear the new Shinedown tune
playing at that time
Second Chance
where the singer tells his parents
goodbye
and I wanted him to find out
that the Colton Ross Barrera
that he had tried
to leave behind
was still very much needed to come home
And at one time
it used to scare me
that my son ran away
because he hated me
now i am sad
that my son
hadn't
ran away
and now I know
he didn't leave
and that his life
was
taken
from him
and yearly candle light vigils
(I didn't even know for sure how to pronounce that word until 5 yrs ago)
are not going to bring him back
Dec 23, 2013
Dec 23, 2013 at 8:34 AM UTC
i am just a mom deeply missing my son,
the real boy,
not the story i've repeated about him too many times
and definitely not the face of a teenage boy
who will never age on those **** missing child fliers,
but my son whose voice i can no longer remember the sound of
or whose hair i can no longer remember the smell of
when i would slyly sniff his head
I also miss his lost opportunities
of graduating high school,
getting to grow up,
move out,
date all the girls he could ever want,
falling head over heels in love
and marrying one that would steal his heart,
finding his dream job
or even working at hundreds of hated ones
until he found his calling,
and his babies,
i miss the babies that he never got the chance to have,
but mostly,
i just miss that chicken **** of mine,
Colton.
Sep 26, 2014
Sep 26, 2014 at 5:03 PM UTC
When Colton went missing,
my life changed in every expected and
unexpected way and
i no longer had solid footing on any ground when it came to what i could hold onto as unwavering belief in or count on as fact.
I think I decided very early on after his disappearance that I had either totally ****** up his life and failed as his mother and
I had caused this to happen and
it was all my fault and
I was to blame and
no punishment was sufficient enough to repair the grievous damage i had inflicted onto him
OR
I was totally egotistical,
full of myself,
shallow,
superficial,
self righteous,
attention seeking,
even vain and
his leaving had absolutely not one **** thing to do with me.
For the last 5 yrs I have mentally put myself on trial and
the prosecuting attorney looks just like that crazed Glen Close from the movie Fatal Attraction and all memories of the 17 1/2 years I had of raising Colton are admissible evidence.
Very rarely when I am questioned,
harassed,
looked upon with utter contempt and
asked to redirect my answer only to the question as demanded by "Ms. Close",
that defending myself hasn't left me completely physically exhausted and
mentally drained and
spent from having to defend myself or concede once again of my guilt.
I don't know if I will ever allow myself to become acquitted of these self imposed charges that i mentally taunt myself with but since finding these stories about Larry, Justin and Colton and
reading about such hilarious and
heartwarming moments,
some which made me laugh so hard that i cried,
that mean judgmental ***** hasn't felt the need to put me on the stand lately
Dec 24, 2013
Dec 24, 2013 at 1:57 AM UTC
heres what i ended the night with; an IM to my 1st born son and his 1st born son:
2 hours ago
Egad, Parker finally realized that
he doesn't remember Uncle Colton
so he asks about him.
He asked me if he is in heaven and
if he ever met him since he got to meet Great Grandma Hook and
she's in heaven now.
It isn't the first time we've talked about him by any means,
but nothing as grownup as that.
Wowza.
about an hour ago
i have come to believe that the 5 day duration
in which Colton's soul/essence/love
left his body and
Parker's soul/essence/love
was getting ready to join his body
inside Christina's big belly
(reinforcing the belief that you pick your parents lol)
that the two of them met in the middle,
had some transendental smile, fist bump and
wink to each other
in acknowledgement of ea other.
I think time is a human Earthy construct
so it makes sense for me to say that
in that period of time,
they did indeed have a celestial party getting jiggy with it
as only an entire Heaven filled group of soul/essence/love's are want to do...
my proof of such theory will only become more evident through the years as you will notice that Parker does indeed shake his groove thang
in the same style
as your brother Colton....
Mar 9, 2015
Mar 9, 2015 at 2:28 AM UTC
when Colton was a wee one
and his brothers got 4 more french fries on their plate than he did
or a really cool toy for their birthday that he wanted
or some other perceived injustice
he would yell at the top of his lungs, "Mom! That's TOO fair! That is just TOOOOO fair!!!!"
May 28, 2014
May 28, 2014 at 1:50 PM UTC
a two year old
runs me ragged
stubborn
persistent
and bright
total mass of energy
whizzing by
i can barely perceive
his speed of light
he keeps me busy
fatigued
but well entertained
whiny demanding
frustrating
straining my brain
my baby's growing up
and getting cuter
every day
but since he's only on loan
i'll keep watching him play
-------------------------------------------------------------
He dunks his corn dog in his milk
watches the drips trail his plate.
Innocence not realizing the improperness
delight obsessed
and couldn't be bothered with no's from Momma.
She stops rebuke to question why
can't one dip corn dog in milk
and watch the drips trail the plate?
Is it too radical
anarchical
does it harm another
or must be governmentally sanctioned?
The child knows none of this.
He takes a soggy bite and licks his plate.
Tomorrow he can learn etiquette.
Dec 18, 2014
Dec 18, 2014 at 9:13 AM UTC
oh my son colton i have the memory of christmas morning
when i asked you to get me something out of the deep freezer
and you found the 50 big macs i had bought you
because you were always wanting me to drive you
45 minutes away after bed time on a school night
to McDonald's
and after that you could have a big mac whenever you wanted
and even if you were mad at me 23 hours a day
there was that magical hour when i would wake up at 4 in the morning
as you were just getting ready to go to bed
where i would sit on that deep freezer
and have the bestest conversations
and for 1 hour we understood each other
Dec 18, 2014
Dec 18, 2014 at 9:16 AM UTC
Dear Colton,
Today you would have turned twenty-three and my whole world has changed since the last time I got to celebrate a birthday with you.
Mundane events are seen now as extraordinary...
Random comments are recalled now as ominous...
i see old memories now in a whole new light....
The pieces fit the puzzle now even if i abhor the picture...
I am so sorry, Colton, for not trusting my gut that you would never just leave us of your own free will. I am especially sorry that I will not get the chance to spend this day with you, and of all your birthdays to come.
Your friends and family love you and we will never forget you.
"There is always something there to remind me..."
Happy birthday, Son.
<3
Yo Momma
PS
I remember when I bought those shoes that for you.
I thought were way too expensive but you talked me into it by telling me it would be an early birthday present and I'm glad I did.
You were killed 3 weeks before your 18th birthday.
I know you loved them.
You were wearing them the day you died.
Dec 23, 2013
Dec 23, 2013 at 9:04 AM UTC
i keep Colton's senior year HS photo
on side of the fridge,
cuz when i used to cook dinner
he would get right in my ear
and sing in falsetto soprano voice
to such songs like
Leona Lewis's Bleeding Love
and bother me as i stirred the meat
singing to me getting me all flustered
until i would shoo him out of the kitchen,
so now when im at the stove
i look over and wink
wishing he could bug me one more time...
Oct 22, 2014
Oct 22, 2014 at 3:33 PM UTC
i wake up some nights
from the same images
of trying to save Colton
but every single time
i am unsuccessful
and he gets murdered
once again
and once again
i was unable to protect him
Jul 1, 2015
Jul 1, 2015 at 4:23 AM UTC
i was at the my mom and
dad's gravesite
trying to do some soul searching and
really and
deeply missing them and
i will never get used to being an orphan and
life has been so difficult since they left me and
i took for granted how much love support and
an ever ready hand to move heaven and
earth to help me and
i didnt even appreciate it much less utter very many thank you's and
i would give almost anything, the rest of my life to have had just one more time of sitting at the kitchen table and
i would actually this time drink her nasty Folger's instant coffee and
when she died she left a jar of it and
although it only contains a hard inch layered congealed ball it is so comforting to open the cabinet and
see it still up there and
you want to try to judge me when instead i was sitting there on the ledge of their headstone watching the beautiful and
powerful electrical dry lightning and
feeling the wind hit my face and
i cried out to a god that i no longer even believe in to please have my mom cont to keep looking after her grandson the one she never admitted to, but over time it just became apparent of that she was most partial to Colton, the one that she had the special soup and
salad dates on special occasions and
i find myself agonizing about how whether my son is here on earth in the physical form or his physical blood skin organs and
bones have decayed into apparent nothingness but either way i want to feel that my mommy is looking out for him and
that i can have answers and
can at the worst case scenario be granted just a tiny piece of real estate to go and
release my grief and
have 1 place where i can finally have just a piece of peace and
know that he is with his grandparents and
i can visit and
memorialize him in the usual manner rather than having moments that can last for months of something that is truly a most insidious form of torture that i can't even grasp words to express and
i have been so blessed to be able to have you want to play martyr with that last comment?
Dec 23, 2013
Dec 23, 2013 at 8:53 AM UTC
Back off,
Stop involving yourself in my life
Back off,
I'll talk to, listen to and do whatever the hell I like
Back off,
I'm my own person- I can think for myself
Back off,
I didn't ask for your opinion
Back off,
Everyone has fears, insecurities and flaws
Back off,
No one ever asked for your help
Back off,
You don't even know me
Back.
The.
****
Off,
I don't like you.
Aug 2, 2013
Aug 2, 2013 at 8:29 AM UTC
For: michael whithorn
LK
Lynda Kerby <[email protected]>
look!
im so in debt!
i cant get myself to clean my house!
im mentally emotionally and physically spent!
i havent been a good friend to you but
i tried the best i could
i know your heart means well
i am so ashamed at what ive become
i dont have another comeback in me
i am going to miss you
what we should have had
i have lost at this game called life
i will always wish you well
i wish it could have been me
i wish a lot of things
i wish there was a heaven for me to be reunited w colton
but he is gone
ive wasted this one precious life that he never got to enjoy
you cant handle me crying
i need a shoulder
i am not even mad at you
hate to see you waste your life w a loser like me
i know you hate me
i dont blame you
sorry the *** was good enough to keep you coming back
i set you back from your goals by many months
im just tired
i dont guess you understand that kind of tired
but its real
Aug 21, 2017
Aug 21, 2017 at 2:12 PM UTC
some times
**** isnt supposed to happen,
no one should **** a 17 yr old boy
who never got the chance to live his life.
i used to tell my kids that they were like jello and
werent fully set until they turned 18 and
that the child and i both had joint title to themselves and
once they turned 18
i took my name off and
they were fully responsible for themselves.
Colton would have turned 18,
3 weeks before his life was STOLEN from him and
from me and
from every one who loved him
AND THERE WAS NO REASON FOR THAT.
Apr 18, 2015
Apr 18, 2015 at 11:44 AM UTC
it comes with some difficulty being the mother of a ghost
but being your mom didn't end at your death
and perhaps it continues even after mine
for many years i thought you were out there, a missing runaway
i'd send you a simple msg
via text msgs, email notes, fb posts
and even though i now know the truth
you never received them
the words still ring true
"I love you and I miss you, Colton, and I will never give up hope of seeing you again"
Aug 13, 2014
Aug 13, 2014 at 4:35 PM UTC
I woke the boys up and had them get ready for school.
I went back to bed and smoked a cigarette as I heard Colton say he was leaving and that I was to remember that he wasn't coming back tonight after school but was having peewee take him to Russell, spending the weekend with his friend-girl Jennifer as he had done a few other times.
I reminded him he would be responsible for finding his own ride back
(but he knew if push came to show, ol' Mom would come get him as a last resort)
and I asked him if he wanted a ride to the school bus but for some reason, he said no.
I asked him if he wanted the cell phone, i had stopped paying his alltel bill because i couldn't afford it, so he shared mine most of the time but he said no to that also, which was out of character for him but i said "ok have a good day at school, love you"
and i heard the door shut
and my boy was never heard from again.
I am grateful that my last words were that I loved him, but gawd ****** why didn't i put down the cigarette and get my *** out of bed, open the bedroom door and walk 10 feet to tell him face to face with eye contact, with a hug good bye, what a good son he had been and what a unique spot he held in the family and with his siblings, his 3 brothers, his 2 sisters, "The Bratty Bunch" and what an honor it was to have been the one to be his Mommy, to give him a hug and take a just a few extra seconds of that morning to somehow make sure he knew that i knew that he knew that i've truly loved him for the 17 years, 11 months and 1 week we had spent together.
Oct 6, 2017
Oct 6, 2017 at 10:17 PM UTC
Me: i realized the answers will only give me information,
but not bring colton back
so in the big picture,
it would be helpful
but it wouldn't change anything
but i do believe the scales of justice
must be balanced
not just for society
but for those responsible
in an effort to cleanse their souls
.... i have forgiven,
but i'm only human
and just a mom...
Friend: So do you think he is gone?
Or could he still be out there somewhere?
Either way
I hope we find Colton
bring him home to you
so you can feel complete
with knowing
he is with you
You're very strong.
Me: i am 99.999% sure that he no longer walks the earth in physical form...
for many years i was in denial holding on to even the tiniest crumb of hope,
which may have kept me from losing my mind
or taking my life perhaps...
some days strong is just getting out of bed
and making your other child dinner
because you made yourself a vow
that you would allow yourself to grieve
in what ever form it took
for as long as it took
as long as you
at the very least
made colton's lil brother dinner ea day....
May 14, 2015
May 14, 2015 at 11:20 AM UTC
in the last 6 years
I have learned the hardest part of all this
has been forgiving myself
and desperately hoping that
in the big picture,
some how all of this will make sense
or at the least,
through the passing of time,
the pain will have lessened
and acceptance
and healing will occur
making the idea that maybe,
just maybe,
all that talk i'd been taught,
considered,
relied on,
believed in,
questioned,
doubted
but eventually rejected,
about life after death
and of souls that go to Heaven
might actually,
possibly be true
and that he is ok.
Probably more okay than the ones he left behind.
God,
and I pray there is One,
I hope Colton is ok.
If there is no hope of ever seeing him again,
his death will never make sense to me
and life here on Earth
is simply pointless
and insignificantly meaningless.
However,
I've chosen to believe otherwise,
and If I am to gain some lessons
and use my life for a greater purpose
rather than to continue living
as that all too comfortably familiar self centered,
ungrateful,
entitled person that I was
before that Friday morning,
6 years ago today,
and am still but hopefully not as much,
his life
and his death
weren't in vain.
Sep 26, 2014
Sep 26, 2014 at 5:11 PM UTC
I want colton back...
and
if i were to wake up from this nightmare
and
find that life is back to that day of sept 26, 2008
i would get out of bed
and
insist that colton take the day off from school
and
if i had been given another chance i would do it all so differently.
and
when he wanted me to buy him a grocery cart for $5
but i didn't want it parked in the front yard
making the house look all ghetto,
"oh what would the neighbors think??!"
i'd have let him bought it,
i'd have cared more about making my little big teenager boy happy cuz i dont care what the neighbors think,
the ones that want to judge, that is
....i am saying life is special cuz u only get 1 shot at it
and
you dont know when it will be over
so do the right thing right now
instead of wishing for a complete re do
on raising colton
...except the part where i bought him 40 big macs from McD's
and
hid then in the deep freezer
for him to find on christmas eve,
i was an A+ Mom on that day
and
that moment i'd keep as a part of his
life...
Sep 8, 2017
Sep 8, 2017 at 1:06 PM UTC
i told colton, a strange look of terror residing in my eyes, that i would break it off.
i told madison, a strange calm in my thumbs, that i would break it off.
you walked into the uniform room.
i didn't even wear my socks, i was so late. i had to run to my locker to get my shoes. should've brought em sooner you said, pulling your bibbers on.
i could feel the words climbing out of my throat, hey, we need to talk i almost said.
but like i did when i was seven and with stomach flu, i shut my mouth so the inevitable flow would stay contained.
i go searching through the guard closet for shoes, my back to you.
god, how am i supposed to get this on? you asked, and i watched you struggle to get the jacket zipped. this little look of admiration washed over my face.
I walked over to you and zipped you up, laughing with you. god, i could have and should have broken it off with you right then. i also could have and should have kissed you.
you zipped me up too, and we buckled each others top buckles.
-
i could have ended it, and i wish i would have.
Apr 19, 2015
Apr 19, 2015 at 12:48 PM UTC
I wish
I wish I had
I wish I had said I love you more
I wish I had told you what was on my mind
I wish I had shown you that we we're special
I wish I had you back
I wish I had more time
I wish I had us
I wish this wasn't the way it is
I wish I had shown you our future
I wish I had shown you our apartment
I wish I had shown you my dreams
I wish I had shown you the very depths of me
I wish I had shown you that the small things were my favorite things
I wish I had told you that the far idea of looking at Sophie with your eyes made me smile instantly
I wish I had told you that the idea of maci with your ears made me cry
I wish I had told you that the idea of watching the Bentley Colton Sophie and maci grow up was the thing that kept me moving forward
I wish I had told you how many nights I laid in bed looking at the ceiling thinking about how nice our future was
I wish I had told you how perfect it felt when you rested your head on my chest at night
I wish I had shown you how much it ment when you looked at me
I wish I had shown you how much it meant when our fingers interlocked
I wish I had shown you more of me
I wish I had more time
I wish I had you
I wish I had
I wish
1<3
U
Mar 21, 2015
Mar 21, 2015 at 5:07 PM UTC
It’s all about you, you’re
the guy who found religion
the one who tells everyone what they
should think but screams victim
when challenged.
You ***** a woman behind
a bar and get more sympathy
than the woman you violated.
Judges will protect you, give
you a lighter sentence for
your “5 minutes of action.”
You drive drunk killing four
people but you serve no
time because of who your
daddy is. You get a suspended
sentence.
You shot a black man for
Knocking on your door. You
Shot Colton and ***** Tina
but it’s okay, they weren’t
The white color anyway.
You drive a van into a crowd
because a woman won’t sleep
with you. They won’t call you terrorist
because that term is only for
those who are brown.
You shoot a man sitting in his backyard
22 times for holding a cell phone
and then take a mass shooter to
burger king before taking him to jail.
You walk around with tiki
torches, dressed as prep school
boys armed to the teeth. You drive
a car into a crowd killing a woman
but there are “good people on both
sides”
Taking responsibility has been replaced
by hypocrisy, understanding by ignorance,
the right thing by the right wing
But none of that matters when you’re
Not the White Color
Dec 20, 2018
Dec 20, 2018 at 11:07 AM UTC