it was the longest walk of my life
          and the longest pauses
     with the longest argument with myself...
       long story short...
               i lost.
             so i'm dragging my leg
    step by step
       and i don't even need to open my eyes
                it's like
                   i'm so sure
   of whatever is in front of me
            and so sure
               i don't want
                  to see it.
                        ------or hear it
                        ------or feel it
          -----home-----
               or be the first person
         to actually say it...
     that it's just a house
             and it's the longest time i felt
             standing still ever...
                   the porch is still there
                        but the scent of marijuana isn't
    and the garage
           still left open
       and the dent of my head
               still there on the rusty pick up.
                         and the tears mom left
                   i don't know but i smell it...
            it's the same house
               that it was yesterday
        but it's not the same...
                    all of the sudden
           allice charges toward me
           barking as energetic as ever
       and yet it feels
as if i'm not the same person
she licks on the cheek everyday
        ------no------
                   crackling leaves below me
             don't even crackle the same way...
       stepping on dried sticks and twigs
      don't even sound like they did yesterday      
it's like the house itself is telling me
            this is where i don't belong
    this is where i can't belong
         this is where i shouldn't be
                    yet i simply have to be
                 my grandma walked
                       even slower
                           today than ever...
                     "what happened"
                               she asked me----
              ----sigh----
                          and i honestly
                 want to sigh again
                          as deeply as i could
                    and just fall there.
                            ----deep breath----
               it feels like i don't
     even have to say it
                            the look on her face
                  feels like
       her heart is
                        already crumbling
                worse than
                           they did
            when she saw
             my dad
    and her dad
and mom's dad
                          on a coffin going home-----
        as if the same heart
       could rebreak so many times
                   i don't know
            how to stall anymore
   or if there are any
          other ways
                   to sugarcoat
                      a bitter pill
             slathered in mud
             soaked 10feet underwater
                        then buried 6 feet underground
                 "i'm sorry"
       she takes the words
             from my mouth
                      and wraps around me
          this solid warmth...
                so tangible
         so real
                     "you don't have to tell me."
    and then she whispers...
                    inaudible words----
           that smelled a lot
                  like mom's afternoon ****
and her morning omelette with coffee black
              ----home.

I'm an Alice all my life,
never grow up and keep my wonderland inside,
needed to fight,
to be allowed to dream,
nothing's more worth that these freedome to be able to dream,
never had a rabbit to guide me -
also my "Pan" has left me early,
just a smiling cat sometimes helped me,
to don't get lost between the dream me
and these real world "me",
chasing my hopes inside o(f) me ,
chasing my dream into the world outside o(f) me,
forever stay this allice -
the one that's not lost without her rabbit