Music is a momentary salvation
Through the ailings we suffer.
A thin buffer,
Between the painful past and
Future troubles.

I extend the words from that little heart of mine— and that's my deepest Adulation to thee, my beloved parents!

I know not how I've travelled upon the Mesh of age to reach this mile of oldness— nor dost I know how I've rushed on over the trouble obstacles I encountered each age.

Such little strange tale of mine evolved from thy ***** hands, my beloved parents!

In the kingly and queenly world of thine, I expanded on the rhythm of an ineffable joyance. I know not the bound— but surely I cherished the flower and its hidden honey thou hast bestowed upon me, from that holy adornment of thy hearts.

Thou hast attained all my childly cravings and worn a garland of smile to this sullen face of mine.

Thou hast taken care of me from all sorts of ailings. Thou hast given me the warm garments and never let my body ailed by the cold breeze in Winter and tanned by the barnstorming heat in Summer.

Mother, when the hunger ailed my stomach, I spelt out thy name and cried
In dissonant pitch.Thou hast given me a plate of rice. In the amidst of night when the silence hast spreaded its wings, the unrestrained thirst parched up my throat. I awoke thee— so thou hast given me a cup of water to quench my thirst.

Father, the most I must not forget about thee is thou hast shaded the blood and dropped down the endless sweat onto the earthly mud to give me this excess of life.

I'm grateful to both of thee, my beloved parents! Without both of thy presence,
I would not have made my life so far and so long. I regard thee.

/when medicine fails, philosophy takes over./

solipsism,
or what the medical
profession
                    names: autism...

          you can only achieve
a respect for another person,
when, and only when
you share a meal together...

see, the point with retards
in the most extreme example?
safe to say,
      if they have a memory
blank that can be filled...
            but otherwise
the sickly sweet simlicity
of their mind is a choking
sensation,
            
      because thinking is
supposed to be deemed a condition
necessary for
         a presupposition of
ailings?

                   funny...

                how to evacuate
the person from the major
impromptu of thought,
that isn't a moral question,
but a narrative...
vacuum's worth of
emptying time,
                                 space-less...

when thinking becomes
a "problem",
   and when a freedom to speak becomes
the only solution...
              well well well...
     aren't we all, just, jittery!
agitated to talk?!
            
             i care much more
for the freedom of thought,
than the freedom of talk...
              a freedom of speech
crafts thinking to be equivalent
to a claustrophobia...

                   and once upon
a time, there was a (th)ought....
    that became claustrophobia...
              because the sooner
than soon crows pecked,
              and croaked their
                              minimalism.

Roll your eyes,
What emptiness resides
Within the vacant cavity behind?
Search inside,
Roll them toward yourself and never
Again, outward.
Those who cannot stomach themselves
Have no place to judge another;
When all is law and each thought verdict
Passed upon others, save for the trouble,
Of living up to your word proper.
When someone hates themselves just as much as they hate you;
When it's a life of lies, the truth is
Misery takes no sides but to dishonesty.
What defense can be mounted
In courts with no deliberation?
Where fact is mourned over the exalted opinion
And partisanship is par for course,
Where being objective and without bias is common treachery
And only shows how little you understand of the situation at hand
One likely having little recourse for discourse
Room only for more, escalatory rhetoric & action
As hatred only knows hatred;
Breeding further contempt and confusion  
For the ailings of the world

Blood stains dye the carpet in
memory of popped bedbugs
The urge to scratch
lays beyond the vermin
No matter where it’s directed
it’s just out of reach
Some far off recess,
swinging on the monkey bars

       Mocking me

There we go, fell for it once again
Because holograms are so convincing
And I’m a pretense to the predicament
by being a participant
Licking candied sticks that inflame the ailings
The moans are a call to duty
Yet I’m unsure of what to administer
And the guinea pig phase is still in effect
So I should stop buying space on billboards
Until the ethicalities get stituated

Look at all my missteps which have birthed hating
i swear the sweetest venom is a cursed craving
my brushes with love have made the worst paintings
i found the fountain of youth right when the thirst faded
i think it's obvious i became my first satan, so
God You're wrong for thinking i'm worth saving
Don't i make it obvious i'm broken and shamed
Eruptions that i can't move on the notions to tame
Thinking about my situation hoping for change
Knowing being more open means more open for pain
See how at times my thoughts are overwhelming
i can't block it when they scream out "we know you're failing!"
"Tell us now why you can't slow your ailings?"
"What you carry will crush you, we know your shoulders aching!"
i have never in my life felt more scared and nervous
Why show emotions that weren't prepared to surface?
i can barely find a smile and even rarer purpose
Any mistake means my mood flares or lurches
And you may think my walls aren't fair, but curses
But there's depths of my dark that do not care for searches
my anger explodes and i no longer care for surges
Ironic im yelling at You saying "i swear im wordless."
How long has it been i've been deprived of peace?
i have self harmful ways i've tried to cease
my life's a living hell but i provide the heat
im living with hate but can't decline the lease
i wish i didn't know how to disguise the beast
Any kind of hope is what i've strived to keep
But a failures what i am when described in speech
Dreams to arrive at peaks im now denied to reach
and i cant lie, i gotta admit that it's got to me
always being the perfect lesson for what not to be
Anyone else in my shoes could tie the laces
paying for mistakes is all i can buy with wages
let's be honest i'd never be the guy with praises
guess that's why i fail when i try to face it
Face i raced against my past and saw it get the checkered flag
i thought that i was it knowing i was never tagged
now i wonder if solace is something that I'll ever have
when it rains im poor and i see the weather's bad
i say i can't find the words when really im not looking for em
i say it's to avoid involving you in a crooked forum
You go asking your questions and i start shying from sharing
not speaking means you can't see how my lying is glaring
i shut out the fact i know your prying is caring
Only the paper and ----- know how im trying but erring
i have too many wrongs to feel right in my heart
i know a way to stop drowning but im fighting the ark
how many connections are you responsible for driving apart?
So far gone you're blinded by the light in your dark
My own criticisms have never felt constructive
A council of hurt i've watched my sins appoint
All of my actions have been so self destructive
But then again that's always been the point
i couldn't point to a time when i saw these habits begin
i wish different choices were made so i didn't have em to end
Lord knows not many of em were right for me
i never wanted what's become of this life for me...