I barricaded the door,
Screaming, lurching,
Gripped by myself,
Fear searing through every fibre,
Desperation tearing apart my soul,
My eyes and heart on fire.

I screamed loud,
You heard me but couldn't reach me,
Because I didn't want to be reached.
Or did I?

I smashed the glass,
Drew the shards across my wrists,
Slipped under, as warm blood poured down my arms,
Searching for sweet release.

In the haze I heard you knocking,
Then banging, then screaming.
Sirens in the distance,
Then closer.

Noise; a saw maybe.
Loud bangs,
Bright lights.
Beeps.
Beep, beep, beep.

I saw myself on the table,
Surrounded by doctors,
My body a ****** mess,
The green line becoming weaker,
Then flat.

As a child they said that you go to hell,
If you *******, or hurt other people,
Or if you hurt yourself.

It's the only thing that kept me alive so long.

When I returned from the dead they told me to get help;
The church, doctors, charities,
Be mindful, watch the world,
Relax, meditate,
Get better.

But there's no getting away from yourself,
And when you're this broken you can never be fixed.
Not by anybody else, not by yourself;
Not even by those who love you.

And so I sit here, again.
The door locked, more secure this time.
The glass sits on the shelf next to me,
Ready to be broken.
I know to be silent, not to scream,
Not this time,
But to silently slip under without saying goodbye.

It's selfish, I know, to find peace for myself,
And to leave others screaming,
My friends, my family, my children,
But they don't know this pain,
Only I do,
And I know it has to end.
Maybe then, they can stop worrying,
Move on with their lives,
Forget about this 300lb weight they were carrying,
Which was causing them to sink,
A millstone, not a man.
A failure who was supposed to provide,
Make things better,
But who instead destroyed everything.

I feel calm, not terror;
My hand doesn't even shake as I write this note;
Yet I don't even know why I write.

A pause? Clarity?
A goodbye?
Perhaps all three, but defintely not a cry for help.
I've cried all my tears.
Unrepentent, yet sorry for everything,
This is, without question, the end.
Adiue.
Perhaps all three, but defintely not a cry for help.

let go the words
like seeds,
to the vast and
windblown
sky

let them settle,
where they may.
some may flourish,
take root and be...

a happy little flower,
a great oak tree.

some may lay dormant,
until the right season.
some may become,
a life's new reason.

some may fall
to ravening birds
some may fall
ans flourish
yet never be heard.

and sadly some may
wither and die...
without ever understanding, why....

we as poets,
truly are,
just the sowers of seeds.

to the winds....
to the sky,
let your words go,
let them fly...
to some say, adiue
see you soon.
to some goodbye.

but let them be...
borne on the wind
...to make poetry

you fret, sob, and then cry
uncontrollably, you think, but never knew why.
you put your head against min
and there's no way i would, in a million years, complain.

talk and talk and talk
pour out all you've got then wash it out.
for you, i'll never be in a state of apathy.
i am, and forever, here, so come to me.

dear lady,
why are you so afraid?
there is no need for you to hide.
kiss adiue that rather gruesome disguise.

tell me if you're sad,
tell me when you're fine,
tell me all things.
never tell me, "au revoir"

see, girl
please let me say this
but i do not mean to brag
i am so much like what you lay your head on every night.

give me the right to day that i am so much better
because i have the heart and it does not.
i can talk back and hug you right.
i will listen. always listen.

i know that i may be not the one you need.
and this is not so much of a plead,
but maybe yes as well.
i tell you, i can just be the boy.

IN SILENCE OF THE SOUL
(Bijoylakshmi Das)
Breathe not my Dear! In the silence of the Soul,
Earth is asleep and Night's splendour
adorns your feet;
Go deep within your breathless sleep
The solemn silence gives you its sublime kiss.
You are born pure,
The celestial Beauty keeps knocking at your ****** door.

Fear not, dive deep into the sombre depth of the dark,
To meet the Fire of enlightenment afar -
Denied to futile human births
Never ready to keep their inner doors azar.
Let me be reborn to make life anew,
Sanctioned from above, clad with magnificent hue.

There you sit alone in solitude's embrace -
My eternal companion, my Sweet Love!
At all cessation to the life of flesh and blood,
The Lotus-eyed Beauty lisps lullaby by the Grace of God.

Merge into the limitless expanse of the Infinite,
Sings sweetest psalms of exalted Bliss;
Earth is now not fit for you to alight,
Nor to embrace you in her sweet soft kiss.
Born forever in the Eternal Poise,
All in Harmony, all in Splendour -
No more mortal's discordant noise!

Songs of symphony vibrant in air around,
No slightest whisper of man's lips, no more sound;
Music jubilant, mirth profound
Nature is Rapture-clad.
To make Union Supreme,
Oh Dear all alone in Soul's lonely realm
Bliss' invincible King!
Heralding a shifting world's romance,
Changes subtle, sibilations silent
Under One Immortal's eternal vigilance!

Sail on Comrade Oh Sailor forlorn!
Fatigued by the toil of earth,
Grieve not, you are enlivened and reborn -
To rejoice in your new vernal birth.
Silence speaks a lot,
Speaks of immaculate Vast!
The measureless expanse of the Ocean ahead of you,
Plunge deep into it to be a glorious participant!
The fathomless depth longs to lisp -
The One Message undeciphered -
Never put into any human script!

Get not lost in the maze and mud around -
Try to hide our Mystic Play,
The heavenly blossoms send myriad hues
To make journey a grand success and to enjoy.
Songs of Cuckoo alive in the smiles of the Green,
Never bids adiue to the Spring's joyful Qween!

Oh Soul Sublime!
You are born to shine the brightest,
The mortal in the making!
The Supreme rules the invisible kingdom of your heart
In Soul's awakening!
To reach the goal,
Rise above body and mind
To explore Thy Soul!
(Bijou Das, Anand Utsav Ashram, Haridwar. 19.06.2019)