It feels like I’ve written about you for the fifteenth billion time
Even though this is only the fifteenth poem
And strangely I have a feeling I’ll remember this
Because the fifteenth was the day of our last date, until we meet again
I can only wish I had kissed and hugged you fifteen times that night
I can only wish I could go back and tell you I love you fifteen times in a row
(v.m)

Pulling you out of me is one of the hardest things I will ever do today
Forgetting the sound of your laugh is one of the hardest things I will ever do tomorrow
And the secrets you gave me even all the lies and the fake deep talks I will keep hidden, out of the respect I gave you
When I saw your picture with her
I fell to my knees and collapsed on my bedroom floor
I finally ripped the calendar from Christmas off my wall
I don't know if that was because of anger or pain, but they taste just the same
Yes, it's been five months since you left
And I found someone who finally thinks me sunshine
But when I think of you I start to realize you weren't the man I made you out to be
You were an emotional thunderstorm
The type of hurricane that ruins houses
And hates the idea of love
I don't wish you ill
All I know is that
Pulling you out of me will be one of the hardest things I will ever do today.
I hope she loves indecisive men who have a hard time keeping promises
I'm sorry, I've always been attracted to thunderstorms
I'm sorry , I've always been attracted to weeping willows to proud for words or apologies
But I'm not sorry for loving you even when you didn't want me too
There's a legend I like to tell myself when you begin to drown my mind
It's that Karma was once an ocean.
it always washes up what you missed on the shore
even if you don't want to miss me anymore
Karma will always be an ocean

(v.m)

It’s almost the day when people confess their love for someone
And my heart still loves you
I stayed up until 4 am
Missing your touch
And I went all the way back to our beginning
I read all our old conversations and broke down crying on the bathroom floor
My sheets are different now but I still have the ones we made love in buried under my bed
And I went back  to our beginning tonight
I went back to the night you told me hours felt like minutes
I went back to the night you first told me you loved me
I went back to the night we finally made love
I went back to all those nights we spent laying in my bed
I wish you missed me like I miss you
I wonder if you even think of me still
Because I still miss you
I still miss having soft pecks outside science and all of our spots around school I walk by them all the time
And my music taste has changed since you left I like everything you used to love
And on the day everyone confesses their love I’ll be home alone, with no one to give my heart too.
Because It loves you.
(v.m)

I had a panic attack at 2 am last night
And my hands went numb
And my chest burned
And my eyes watered
I needed you to hold me, I needed you to be there
And my bed was empty
And my heart was full
I missed you
I had a panic attack at 2 am last night
I love you
I hope you come back
I promise I know what being saved feels like
I promise I’ll always love you
(v.m)

I guess I'll do the same as I've always done,
Write poem after poem about what loving you felt like
Even if you didn't
I'll write poem after poem about the way your laugh rose and fell like mountains and music to my ears
I know I'll write poem after poem about the way you looked with the moonlight kissing your face
I'll write about how you told me you didn't want to get hurt again
I'll write about how you told me you hated your real dad and wished him the worst
Even if I wasn't the girl you saw marriage with
I'll write about how you were selfish yet strong
Poem after poem I'll write about you
Even if my knuckles become ******
I'll write about the book you found for me
That was something special, something loving, something I'll never let leave me
--Even if words never meant much to you

I'll write about what loving you felt like
How it felt like air
How it felt like sun
How loving you felt like waking up
Poem after poem I'll write about our night by that trail you took me too where you went to run on nights you needed to get away
Maybe that was nowhere special but to me I guess it will always be that
--Nowhere special, Somewhere special
Poem after poem I'll hear you telling me how soft my hair was that night we got coffee
Poem after poem I'll remember you telling me your mother could tell I loved you by the way I'd look at you
--Even if you never looked at me that way
Poem after poem I'll remember the night you laid on my chest and let me hold you
I'll remember how you counted my heartbeats, you said my heart beat at 100 beats a minute, and yours beat at 117 beats a minute.
Because you timed it
I thought that was something special
Something noteworthy
Poem after poem I'll remember how you said you felt like you had known me forever
I'll remember the night you told me you loved me, and you told me what we had was different
If you go up north where the leaves change colors poem after poem I'll write about how your almond colored eyes always held bigger dreams
- -Even if you don't want me apart of them anymore.
So if you never return,
just know, Poem after poem, the love will never leave me.


(v.m)

Why do I make poetry out of people?
I wonder why I do that?
Why do I make boys bloom like flowers?
I love you, yet everyone says you're emotionally manipulating my love
But I choose to love you through it
I know you're just a scared little boy who needs to figure out why the ocean touches the tide
Why he loves the devil with spiderweb ways
You ask if I'm okay with you being selfish and putting you before me. And I am.
You ask if I'm okay being in competition with a ghost and even though I wish the ghost was dead. I'm willing to fight for what I believe in.
Because you're the greatest war ever fought
You said too me"I'm all in if youre all in". And I am.
Why do I make poetry out of people
I wrote you a poem once, and I called it seasons.
Because you were a change. A breath of fresh air.
You ask me if I'm okay with the fact you'll never marry me.
And I am.
And if you choose to leave, just know I hope that just like every flower under my sun, that you regret it everyday and feel the burn of the breeze.
I wrote it in words once, that the love of the ocean never dies.
It won't.
So put me in a box and push me out to sea if you need time to figure out if loving me really is worthwhile.
Because I know, loving me is worthwhile.
You're molded out of vanilla and almonds but if you can't love me passed mountains, I understand.
I guess molehills are more appealing anyway.
And just like the girl in the story I wrote about us, I'll remember you. Because I have a habit of remembering everyone that leaves.
I know you'll do great, and I know you'll go off and try to make spiderweb lovers work,..... I know that's what you really mean when you say you need "time alone"
Even if you won't admit it, that's why you question your love for me.
And when I'm right and that crumbles like I predict. I hope you realize what you've lost. I hope it hurts worse than she ever did.
I'll still think you sunshine and love your elvis comb over.
I'll still miss the smell of vanilla bean and almonds on cold winter mornings at 5am
And my bed will always remind me it once held our laughter.
I'll always love you, even if you leave. I'll always be here, even if you decide to give up. I never will.
My god, Why do I make poetry out of people?

(v.m)

It rained a lot today
I used to love Monday's because that’s when I’d get to see you
And I saw your car in the school parking lot today and all of a sudden I couldn’t catch my breath all over again
Even though I thought getting through my day meant not thinking of you
When that happened I thought I was seeing things
And I asked him why I had to see that
I asked him why he took you away
But no one answered
As usual
The first thing I did when I saw my friend was cry
And it sure did rain a lot today
I cried in the car
I didn’t leave for half an hour
I just sat there
Staring at the rainy windshield
Sometimes wiping away raindrops
Just to get a glimpse
Of anything
Of everything
That reminds me of you
This morning on the radio I heard all the songs you loved
And listening to them felt like being stabbed in the heart
And it really rained a lot today
But you probably don’t care about all the ways it rained today
(v.m)

The day I first met you, your smile made me melt. I remember how you told me I took your breath away, I have a feeling I will always remember that-- Our first meeting.
As if I was an enigma of sugar and dandelions when I've always been roots in other boys eyes.
You saw me as a sprouting vine of sunflowers.
Falling in like with you has been a beautiful adventure, you make me think outside my box and you make me laugh like I've never been hurt.
I could get lost in your eyes for hours in comfortable silence.
Looking at you makes me wish I had met you sooner.
As I get to know you, I can't help but have flowers blossoming in my stomach.
Each thing I discover is like the next piece to my puzzle.
The little things are slowly becoming my best kept memories.
Like your catch phrases, or the way you like too kiss with gum in your mouth, or even your profound love for donuts.
If we'll last I have no clue, I have a bad habit of getting my hopes up for a love that is never ready.
All I can do, all I will ever be able to do, is hope. Is that good enough?
Laying with you until 5 am laughing at nothing is my favorite mid morning hobby with you, even between groggy morning breath and a warm embrace you still manage to find my hand and my waist.
I've never felt so safe in a pair of arms, I see the whole nine when I look at you.
The hours of being hypnotized by your cologne have left an imprint on my brain, I think I'll like the smell of you for the rest of my life.
Your dark curly hair is the nicest bed head I've ever seen, even when it's in an unruly state, you still look like a painting.
I've fallen for you faster than autumn leaves have fallen off trees.
If I were a bee and you were a flower--would you give me your honey?-- Even just for an hour. Can we hold hands through winter? And bloom like spring? I think I'd like to love the seasons again.

(v.m)

Loneliness doesn’t make sense to someone like me
Just like love and marriage don’t make sense to someone like you
I’ve always fought tooth and nail for everything
Even though I’ve lost every battle
I still keep fighting
Isn’t that amazing
Willingness
Hope


(v.m)

I remember the first night we spent in my bed together
And I remember I cried because I was so happy yet so terrified you would leave me at the same time
You said you weren’t going anywhere
You said you weren’t like them
You lied I guess


I still cry for you
I still remember the outline of your body left in my sheets
Pieces of you are still tangled between my heart
Everywhere
(v.m)

I gave you a snowglobe
in it a picture of us
The first one we ever took together
I don't know if you remember but I do
I had them developed in November, around the time you started acting distant
When they came I put one in the globe
I wrote something on the back of each one

I put one in my car, buried so no one can find it except me
I sleep with one under my pillow
and two hidden in the bookshelf in my room
under all pages and pages of words I love
That's where I hid them
All photos and memories I ever had of you are buried deep inside my mind and my room
I saw you today and you look even better than all the pictures I ever had
Your voice still echos in my head right before bed
I stayed up until 3 am last night
and I'll do the same tonight
pouring rivers and rivers and floods for you
and screaming at god
screaming at nothing
screaming at nobody listening all over again
Night after night
Because I know this is just like the first time
So I know it won't end-- not really, never
if the only place I ever live with you is in the globe I gave you\
I hope you remember
penguins mate for life
Like that show I got you to watch at the beginning of all this
I hope things like that still make you smile
I know you might not want them, the things I got you
But if the only place I ever live with you is in that globe I got you
then I'll always feel like I'm home
Whether you'll bury us in a box or throw it out I don't know
That's all up to you
If the only place I ever live with you is in the globe gave you
I hope you remember December
(v.m)

Did you know I haven’t cried this much since the last time I loved someone
My lungs haven’t burned this bad since I was thirteen
I guess that’s what I get for always fighting-
Both my friends can see it in me
I was flattered when my friend said “your in love with him you’re just too scared to admit it to yourself...but I see it”
And wow that hit me like a truck
And then just last week my other friend said it too.
And I felt like I couldn’t catch my breath all over again.
This feels like falling in love
Too bad you aren’t here
I don’t even know if you want part in this anymore
But neither did my first love
And I still gave it my all
I’m still giving you my all.
I’ve always been the type of girl that is pushed so far away and still waits
But that’s because I see potential
That’s because my heart is so full
That’s because I believe in fairytales
Even though my mother never loved my father
I still somehow believe in love
I still somehow believe in you


(v.m)

As I walked home disappointed in you
I can't help but feel so stupid for even wanting to surprise you but then I guess maybe I'm too much of a good person and maybe you're too much of a bad person for me to even care about--but I can't help loving you. Someone once told me, I shouldn't care about someone who doesn't care about me but they've never met you. Someone once told me I needed to love myself before I could ever love another but what happens when you've given a heart transplant to the person you'd die for? Someone once told me that I was the bigger person in our violent love affair, that I tried as hard as I possibly could, that I put all my love inside of your ribcage and then you locked me out of your skin, that I fought for this love no matter how tough it got--and it still didn't seem to be enough
You can't just make me not want to die and then leave me high and dry
Someone once told me, you'll never truly be happy and that your karma will rest neatly on your shoulders and when it attacks and you realize the error of your ways, and when you feel numb beneath your nose you'll begin to scream and feel so lost within yourself.
Someone once told me, that someday you'll come crawling back-- I sure hope so

Today is the first time you’ve talked to me in weeks
Although I still have no idea what you said
Because I haven’t even opened the message
A part of me is too terrified to read it
And I think it’s too early to start crying again
So I’ll just sit here and let my mind race until 2 am comes and my tears start to fall and I’ll see what it is you have to say
Maybe I’m getting my hopes up for nothing
Maybe you have nothing to say just yet
but I’ll still be waiting.
(v.m)

as I listened to the song that made me think of you weeks ago. I found the reason I couldn't seem to bare another breath when you decided I wasn't as important and I thought about that first day, where I laid on your chest and thought I could hear your heartbeat, it was nothing but shallow footsteps amongst the gravel that resides to the right of the grass beating down on the forgotten souls of all those broken hearts before us, who happened to have laid in that very same spot
and as I rested my head amongst clouds and my nail circulated amongst weary pillow tops. It reminded me of something it felt like something. something so familiar and then I discovered it felt like your fingers tracing shapes amongst my spine as I lay atop oceans of you oh so vulnerable and oh so still, letting you in through the cracks they left open but you didn't always kindly ask permission, because every now and then you didn't roll your fingers across like flower petals,
you rolled daggers and inch or so deep into me, and you know what?
I came out half alive, so I guess all I can say in the end is thanks to the boy  who made me feel so alive again...

*vm

I still think it’s so amazing that I got a boy like you to write a poem
A boy who was all analysis and weights
A boy who was all about being self made
I got someone like you to write about me
That still amazes me
My friend told me once that’s how you know someone loves you-
When they pick up your habits
So if words and writing have become yours too
I hope the walls are coming down
I hope you took note of small things too
If one poem about me is all you ever write, then at least I’ll know I meant something—even for one night
If the lines you wrote never see the light of day
Then I hope you keep them with you
That would still amaze me
But I think that’s how you know
If someone really loves you

(v.m)

"Give your heart a break from knowing his favorite color
Give your heart a break from dreaming about his lips and his eyes, remember the ones you spent countless nights getting lost in?
Give your heart a break from conversating with his shadow and start getting to know your own skin
Give your heart a break from drowning his phone in one sided apologies and hopeless "i love you's" you've done your best i guess and my darling I can't tell you why he is so cold hearted but I can tell you that there is a fire burning inside of you and your lungs are evacuated your burning building and it'll come out the right way in the end i promise and yes he's a **** but you hopelessly fall at his feet and can't help how the love you have found is killing you faster than a gunshot and quicker than an overdose, my dear I'm so ******* sorry he doesn't understand how much you love him and I'm sorry your veins have become untwined with his but you wanted to fall in love the contract clearly stated the consequences of loving this dangerous boy things are bad now but I know he'll come around i know it, after all once you fall in love the first time, you never really fall out of it but for now just do yourself a favor and give your heart break." (v.m)

I saw you today and you've never looked more beautiful
And I broke down crying in the car today
5 times
in a row
in the fetal postion
You've never been so close yet so far before
And last night I screamed at God
And I kissed the picture of you I keep under my pillow
And the photo strip we took together I use as a bookmark in the book you bought me
I'm still reading it and every lover in that story still sounds like you
But then I remember that you found that book for me
I had been searching for it for years
And when you found it for me
it made me feel loved
because you listened
and you remembered
and I hope it meant you loved me, god I hope it meant that and more
Even if the story is about a girl too messed up to love like me
Pages and pages of loves lost and found echo all the ways you acted with me
Sour and
Sweet
and Cynical
and a Drug
and Curious and Witty
And Athletic and Brave
and Selfish and Lonesome
The book you bought me tells stories of men that all remind me of you
in different ways but all the same still
When you found the book you found it off my favorite quote
about finding an oddball lover, the one she'd always love
I like to think your the Bart of my story
I like to think your my oddball, wizened cowboy of a lover
I like to think you were the happiness of the story

(v.m)

His name starts with an E
and my god is he dashing
I still see his face when I close my eyes
I miss him so much
I pray to God every night he comes back to me
my god I love him so
and I still sleep with a picture of him under my pillow
and I use another as a bookmark
God I love him so
and I still wear the necklace he bought me
and scream his name in between tears on the bathroom floor
...but my god, I love him so

(v.m)

The boy you love now has ****** hair in the form of cinnamon crumbs sprouted across his jawline even though he protested he'd never do anything of the sort
The boy you love now loves a girl whose heart is made of stone, her love is nothing like yours, it is cold and calculated, like a killing  
The boy you love now won't even look you in the eye, he seems to think the silent treatment will do him some justice even though he was always the more talkative of the two of you
The boy you love now does any drug he can to keep his body numb and stop his mind from drifting to you
The boy you love now questions his existence without you by his side he now sees you in every corner of his mind and cannot go anywhere without hearing your name, you seem to have stolen the hearts of many. Nobody could understand why he left a girl like you, you were every boy's cup of tea even though you were a fan of coffee.
The boy you love now screams at the moon and has withdrawals from your bedside an it's now been a year & nine months since you saw each other last, however you're now the one who sleeps soundly
The boy you love now closes his eyes and details every inch of your body down on paper as he tries to remember the way your eyes glistened to water filled puddles when he told you he didn't love you anymore, He's never regretted anything more in his whole life I can tell you that for sure
The boy you love now vomits on his pride and his spine is withering away the day you burned away all his sweet nothing's he said he felt like he was being branded with cigarettes even though he hadn't seen you in months
The boy you love now thinks he's got it made however in just a few months time he'll be knocking on your doorstep with blood streaming from his face, he'll be broken in two but the question is will you?
The boy you loved now can't stand the taste of coffee because it reminds him of you, no matter how bitter he can't seem to swallow the thought of enjoying anything that makes him remember just how many sugars you liked
The boy you loved now shakes during winter time and is less of a man though he tries not to act like he misses you too much
The boy you loved now can't stand the thought of you with another and by now it's been about 8 years since you saw each other last, but he doesn't utter a word in your direction
The boy you loved is now falling apart at the roots and at 22 he looks like a mental patient, it's only been a few years and he can't seem to leave his room
The boy you loved now hates the smell of coconuts and raspberries & creme because that's what you smelled like most often
The boy you loved is now not the same--without you

*(v.m)

For the life of me I hope you remember my poems
For the life of me I hope you remember whatever it was you wrote even if I never get to read it
I hope every memory will be tucked away
I like to pretend your still here every night
And talk to you like you can still hear me
Talk to you like your dead even though your not
And I talk to god about you all the time
I tell him things about you
About how loving you has been a ******* blessing
And about how that’s the way love works
And funeral services probably aren’t as sad as someone like me
Because I see beauty in every part of person
Even if they always leave me
I still tell them things about you
I still pretend you can hear it
I wonder if you’ll still read these poems from time to time
I wonder if that’s the way love works


(v.m)

I like to think I was your one
Maybe you’ll see that someday
I was the girl that was filled with love
So much of it
Just for you
But you didn’t see it
I still like to think I was your one
You just haven’t seen it
And I hope in a year or two or four
You’ll see it
I hope I’m the girl you come back for
I was the girl who you said was different
So I like to think I was your one
You just haven’t seen it
And I got your family gifts before even meeting them
And I fell in like with your laugh long before you told me you loved me
Do you still love me?
I hope so
I hope I still radiate on days it’s too dark to get out of bed
I hope halls stained with pink hair dye and words in books remind you of me
I hope love stories told are never greater than the one I wrote—
The one about us.
Do you still read it?
I do
I hope to get it published one day
So others can see what waking up feels like
So others can feel what I felt for you
So I like to think I was your one
If in five our stories sits in bookshelves I hope you’ll read the book
I hope you’ll remember
The stories of us as ghosts
And I hope it’ll make you see
That I think I was your one
You just haven’t seen it

(v.m)

I saw a lot of you in him
I see a lot of him in you
His favorite color is green
And yours was red
His name is your name
And your name is his name
Only in spanish
Two different lovers of mine
Two languages
The two languages of how I learned to love
He was born in summer
So he was bright and beautiful
You were born in spring
You felt a lot like spring, did you know that?
You felt a lot
Like waking up
Like new life
I guess I should thank you for being around as long as you did
Even if it wasn't forever
Like I wanted
But I know I'll never stop missing you
It doesn't mean getting better
Because I won't be
It just means being
And I saw a lot of him in you
He was selfish
And cruel
And beautiful
And ******* smart
And a love like no other
-- Until I met you

And I saw a lot of you in him
You're strong
And brave and smart
And ******* ambitious

--
With dreams like light
Who knows if you'll miss sunshine
Who knows if you'll miss me
But I hope you will

(v.m)

7/10/14 // 1:50 am

I looked at his pictures and I didn't really feel as mad as I used to be looking at the first boy I ever loved be happy, I didn't really get jealous of her, I got jealous because he had the person that makes him happy next to him and I don't. That was my sad realization. I didn't get angry seeing him be happy, I got angry knowing I'm not. I've always felt that he was better than me, in every aspect of life. Ability to have long relationships, School, Morals, Life. And then I thought about you, and how you made me feel better about all that, you didn't make me feel like I was at war, you made me feel at peace for the first time in my 5 years of sacrificing my love and devotion to a boy who only runs to me when he has the time. You're not him, you'll never be him. But I'm so glad you're you and I'm so so so glad I have met and had the pleasure of caring so deeply about someone as magnificent as you. Even if you left me in the dark like everyone else. You made me feel like I mattered. I know more than anyone it's possible to love someone in only two weeks and sure when you said it, it freaked me out but now that you're gone, that's all I want to tell you. I think I'm falling in love with you too. But I know it's too late.


*vm

I’m hurting my self again but no one knows that, but don’t worry not because of you
I was sad before I met you
I’m just sadder now that you’ve gone
I keep hoping I’ll bump into you
But I know you probably don’t want to see me
Your too worried about you
But that’s okay I told you no one ever loves me for long
I told you it’s always me
Because I’m just an ocean that makes everyone feel seasick after too long
So I don’t blame you for leaving
But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t make me angry
That doesn’t mean I don’t cry myself to sleep every night
Gasping for air and screaming at god for letting this happen to me again
Fifth times the charm
Fifth boy to leave me
I keep hoping in ten years you’ll miss me
I keep hoping in five you’ll call
I keep hoping in three you’ll miss the world without me
I keep hoping in one you’ll regret ever leaving
I thought my story, was the plan
I thought we had plans
But I guess just you did.
Only for you
and I keep hoping in one you’ll regret ever leaving


(v.m)

Today was one of the most painful days of my life
Next to the day the boy with the birthmark on his right lower calf kissed my cheek outside school
When you talked to me
I thought I was seeing things
I couldn't breath all over again
I had to fight back tears for the life of me
But I was happy, even though I didn't say a word
I know I was because I started shaking all over again
Even though you were smiling
Inside I was screaming

With joy because you remembered me -- even for two minutes
And with anger
But mostly with pain


And today was one of the most painful days of my life
Next to the day the boy with hazel eyes told me he'd be here for me
And then he picked sides
And I guarantee you
He didn't pick me
Just like you


When I saw you sitting and waiting
I couldn't bring myself to look you in the eyes
Because I knew I would cry
and I did cry
I do that a lot
You're probably sick of it as it is
So I spared you the rain
I spared you the thunderstorm that is me
And today was one of the most painful days of my life
Next to the day the boy with cold hands told me he didn't understand why he was so ******* special

I don't know if you'll keep the gifts I gave you
I just needed them to stop reminding me your gone
I didn't want to burn them
Or throw them out like trash
I hope that says something good about me
Something--
If not anything, about me
About the way I love people
People who leave
People who stay
People who make broken promises
And about the way I listen
About the way I give
                              
                                        and give
                                                                 and give
Those are some things I hope to god that gesture says about me
Even if you don't see it
Even if it seems stupid
I hope that was lighting
And today was one of the most painful days of my life
Next to the day the boy with a five star smile told me he could get lost in my eyes
Right next to the day you told me I took your breath away
Right next to the day
Right next to that day
  (v.m)

It's been two months time and I ******* broke all over again
Because all I could hear was the sound of your laugh
and remember how you used to look at me like I was sunlight
AND ******* I ******* BROKE ALL OVER AGAIN TONIGHT
MISSING YOU AGAIN HIT ME LIKE A ******* HURRICANE TONIGHT
IT'S BEEN TWO MONTHS TIME AND I'M STILL IN LOVE WITH YOUR LIPS
IT'S BEEN TWO MONTHS TIME AND I STILL NEED YOU LIKE AIR
******* THE WIND WHISTLES YOUR NAME ALL THE TIME
AND EVERYONE I MEET MAKES ME MISS YOU
AND ******* I ******* BROKE ALL OVER AGAIN TONIGHT
I'M STILL WEARING THE NECKLACE YOU BOUGHT ME
AND I FINALLY LEFT THE HOUSE HOPING I'D RUN INTO YOU SOMEWHERE
I FALL ASLEEP WISHING OTHER PEOPLE WERE YOU
AND ******* IT HIT ME LIKE A TRUCK
I LOVE YOU
AND ******* I STILL CAN'T BELIEVE YOUR GONE
IT STILL FEELS LIKE A BAD DREAM
AND ******* I ******* BROKE ALL OVER AGAIN TONIGHT


(v.m)

my friend says boys who break the curse are important
and right now it's 12;48 and i can't breath again
I'm crying again and no ones picking up
I'm in an empty house and no ones here to hold me
it's 12:50 and I'm alone
(v.m)

I still wish her death
But I don’t wish it on you
That’s how I am with people I love who leave
Still wish them them the world
I know you’ll do great things
You might even forget me
I should be used too it by now, but I’m not
In all of my writings to come
And my writing may be words
But ******* it my words give my feelings wings to reach those who should return
The last time I loved this hard
It drove me insane
And i let it
And I’ll let it do it again
The last time I was burning with pain this bad
Was because I was sad
I was in the hospital
But the doctor doesn’t know that when I told her I was sad it was because of a person
She doesn’t know I was hurting myself to feel closer to someone
But I guess that’s the way my pain works
Until someone is brave enough to show me the risk in staying

(v.m)

It’s 11:52 and I’m crying again
And it happened earlier
And no one is answering me again
And **** I really need to talk
I feel like I have to ******* scream
Im so lost and hurt and I can’t ******* breath
And no one is ******* answering me again
I really am alone this time


(v.m)

You were the first person to ever sleep in my bed with me
You were the first person to ever meet my family and I know they’ll always wonder about you
Just like I will
Because someone like that is always special
Whether they plan to be
I know what Love feels like
And ******* this is a whole different kind of air
I always feel like I can’t breath now
But that’s okay
I enjoy it
Really
Because my hope for others
And my love for others
Is one hell of an addiction
One hell of a gift
One hell of a pleasure
So that’s why I never leave
I know it’s stubborn
But it’s all I have

(v.m)

It's been a week since I've written but that doesn't mean I've stopped crying
I cry inside a lot
I cry every time I think I'll pass you in the hall
And I cry every time I walk passed buildings where we shared so many things
Places are apart of how I miss you

In my bed my sheets still remind me of you
And every person I see never stops looking like you


Because even though your gone
You're still everywhere I look

(v.m)

They say the most recent pain is the one that hurts the longest
And ******* hurt like a hammer to the heart
You hurt like my throat burning raw after crying for hours
You hurt like all the empty morning hours I spend crying now
You hurt like no tomorrow even though I’ll love you forever
And they said the most recent pain is the one that hurts the longest
But how come it feels like it will never stop
Because I know **** well in a year
When I find pictures of you buried beneath boxes my heart will still skip a beat
Someone in my math class has the same name as you
And when I heard your name called god I felt nervous all over again even though I knew it wasn’t you
What the **** do you think that felt like
I could tell you
But you probably won’t get it
Because unlike you
I wasn’t cold about my feelings
I didn’t push you away when I needed you most
And I’m not the one who left
Those are all things you did
And I am not you
I put my heart on a platter and gave it to you
I remember your favorite color being red
I’ll always remember
And I’ll remember your family,
And I’ll remember that your colorblind and how much you love donuts
I’ll remember the look in your eyes the night you told me you’d try
And I’ll remember the first song that ever played while we made love that first time
I’ll remember vanilla hair gel, and 5 am conversations
I won’t forget you, ever
Please don’t forget me


(v.m)

I’m the type of the girl who loves people too hard
But that’s okay
I know someday in our thirties
Someone will realize what they gave up
When Love is ready to really love someone
With all that they have
So I’d appreciate if love only comes back when Love is ready to be loved fully
By me and only me
Until then
When reality smacks all those in the face
My love will be there


(v.m)

When I was crying and begging you to save me you simply said "You worry too much" and then you simply said you didn't feel good and wanted to rest. But that wasn't the biggest disappoint it was finally realizing that the tears would never stop falling down the drain the scars will never stop bleeding because you're the reason all those wounds are branded there on my soft sugar creme skin though you said i always smelled of raspberries and creme as my hair smelled of coconut trees i thought you'd examined me the way i always examined you, then there's this one day years from now in a mall in about 5 years or so when we meet again and we lock eyes but when we both look over our shoulders we both have a lover but in that moment or two we have as we swim through this rush of cold nostalgia all we seem to see is each other and then we come close enough to where all our feelings have hidden for all those years we burned away, I guess they never really died after all, I guess they're still there, I can't wait to find out because to me that's better than anyone love we will ever have, it's the kind of love worth fighting for, we are the kind of love worth fighting for, and it's quite sad that, we both know it

Unless friends means falling in love with me too
Then I can’t subject myself to that
When I tried to be friend my first love
It was because I still loved him
And he hated me for it
So if it doesn’t include coming back and still loving me
It’s not something I can do
Unless it means in a year I’ll be remembered then I can’t do it
Now matter how much deep down my heart wants you
My heart will always still love you
I can guarantee that
So unless my heart gets what it wants
Which it never does
If it doesn’t get what it really wants
In a year or 3 or 4 or 5
Because my heart knows what it wants
That’s what the f word is to me
It means coming back
So if that’s not possible
My heart still waits on people who never come back
Because it’s called hope

(v.m)

Remember that song you told me reminded you of me?
It was about magic
I wonder if that’s what you saw with me
(v.m)

I remember the night we laid in my bed and you put your hands together and started to whisper I remember not knowing what you were doing or why you were doing it
And then I realized you were praying
For what I don’t know
I have no clue
I can only I hope I was somewhere in that prayer
I can only hope you see me in your future

I can only hope you’ve been thinking of me
I can only hope you still read my poems
I can only hope you see how hard I’m fighting
I can only hope you see I’m not giving up
I can only hope in the end
You’ll be back

(v.m)

When he let me go he said it was because his will to love was even  weaker than his will to live.
He needed time to process the art of living I suppose
Or maybe he just wanted to be clever instead of saying he couldn't imagine me holding his hand in an aquarium anymore.
Last time I saw him I had no idea this was coming.
I saw him only 3 nights before he ended it. I remember he laughed at me when I cried and begged to kiss him just a-little longer. I guess now I know why he didn't ask for pleasure that night. I guess now I know why he didn't say "i like you" back as I laid across his lap fully exposed. I guess now I understand why he always stared at me across the table with a longing look in his eye. I remember that night he kissed the middle of my spine and i remember it being the wildest form of intimacy I have to date. Although his kiss didn't put me on cloud nine, only one boy has done that. I am grateful he has left me onto better things and better beings. I don't think I loved him but I do think I learned what it's suppose to look like. I think it's suppose to be remembering small things, and dreams of road trips, and 9am breakfast runs, but I also think it means giving your heart willingly and fully. Something his self harming heart couldn't give me. So thank you. Thank you. Thank you for walking me up a mountain, thank you for showing me I deserve the flowers that bloom at the very edge of the hilltop.

(v.m)

You always said I was different from other girls
I still don’t know what you meant by that
I like to think it’s because of the way I love people
Or maybe I’m too overbearing
Sometimes I think I talk too much
No ones ever fallen in love with my voice that way
Sure I’ve been called pretty and I’ve been told my eyes were somewhere to get lost
I’ve even been told I’ve taken someone’s breath away
I guess that’s what makes me different
Maybe
Who knows

(v.m)

I walked past your house today for the first time in about a month for the first time since the scars stopped bleeding and that was two months ago and honestly the only feeling that flowed through me in the seconds when you flashed into my head i felt nothing but disgust  nothing but anger when i see you in person i don't bare you a glance at all anymore, you weren't worth it, you never were, however when our eyes do happen to meet i hope you know how sorry I feel for you because you are a heartless waste of stardust and i hope it ******* haunts you forever that you're the reason behind the scars on someone else's body and i hope knowing that--and just that-- kills you inside and tears you to shreds

*vm

I know I am in love with you
I know I am because this is exactly the kind of damage my first love did
Arguing and fights
and pushes and pulls
and names and rude words
That's what happened the first time
but you were all time consuming
and long hours of yourself
but even then I still understood
I still loved you despite all that weight
despite all the weight I waited
despite all the weight I'll always be waiting
and I'll never really be ready to love someone new
because holy **** I know for a fact I fell in love with you
You made me see light
when I had scars and burned edges
and you made me love you
despite crooked timing
and you said this was different
I thought that meant something to you too
But I guess I'll never know

(v.m)

You probably think I don’t know what your gonna say
But I think your gonna leave
Just like everyone else
And boy will you try to make it sound sweet
But I’ve heard it all before
I know exactly what will be said
I know my tears won’t mean ****
And even then I’ll still cry rivers regardless
I know you probably won’t grab my hand and pull me close when I stop you and yell at you
I know because no ones ever done it
No matter how much they knew I loved them
I dare you to find a love twice as big as mine
But you won’t
You’ll want to walk away because you’re too scared to let anyone love you
But even then I’ll still believe in you
Sad right?

(v.m)

8:43 AM // 6/27/14

I don't know what it is about you but you make me feel something I've only seen in movies, you know how right before the big finale there's an uproar, a ******, a point of no return, or the kiss of a lifetime? Well you make me feel that in every inch of my bones, right down to stubs of my toes, you're smile sends chills down my spine although I have never been a fan of the cold you make my heart melt. When I hear your voice telling me all these sweet things I've heard millions of times before for the first time in a long time my gut is telling me to trust it, to trust you. Although letting people in has never been hard for me letting people go is what seems to be the hardest, I guess nobody bothers reading the fine print anymore, although mine clearly states that "I am an enigma of joy that will always put your needs before my own and shower you with affection even when the world is being cruel, I'll be the sun beam that shines through your window even though you haven't seen the sunshine in quite a few years and last but not least I will love every bit of you...even the parts you thought nobody ever could" so when you embrace me I hope you don't break me, by that I mean my heart, it's paper thin although I miss it being my favorite shade of purple velvet, oh yeah and that's another thing: skin. I love the feel of your skin, the way you ran your fingers in a circle along my lower back like geometrics and finger painting were your best hidden talents. the first day I met you i layed on your chest and listened to the rumble of your heart beat while the grogginess of our stomachs sang an entirely different tune, I guess we found even more things in common. So far I have found so many things I can't wait to love about you including every weird fetish and habit even if I have yet to witness it. Like the way your voice sounds when you sing and if you sing in the shower and if your favorite song changes every week or hey maybe you've had the same anthem for years now or how your laugh escalates and falls as you laugh at your own inconvenience or what you do with your hands when all you have to hold is air or if you pout your lip when you get upset ((like me)) or if you even do anything at all when you get upset, I want to learn why you love certain words even if it's just because of the way you pronounce them and what shows you still love to watch on Saturday mornings, do you even have breakfast on Saturday mornings or are you still dead asleep till noon breaks? What hand do you write with and how big your handwriting is, do you like letters and if so, how often can I write you one? Do you mind if I ramble or even tell you about the color of the sky or even coffee shops I've never set foot in. Do you value moments or are you a fan of the bigger picture, do you analyze things and if you don't then, i totally don't notice how tight you grip my hips when i kiss you too hard or how cute you look when you squint your eyes... if not then i am sorry for noticing these things. How often do you like to cuddle and if your not in the mood we can just lock pinkys, that'll be enough. Do you scare easily and if you do, pick a movie that scares the living hell out of you just so I can see how you let your emotions effect you, do you pick your nose when no one is looking or do you think that's gross (because if you do I so DON'T do that). I want to know what tv shows make you laugh and what food makes you happy and what things make you sad, does anything scare you and if so is it something cliche like the El Chupacabra or is it something more serious like what cereal you wanna buy tonight or the future or heck even dying because whatever it is everyone's afraid of something, I can't blame you for being human.  Are you ticklish? do you like nose kisses? can I use you as a pillow or a chair when I'm too lazy to move an inch Do you like silence or would you rather talk until sunrise, whichever is fine with me. I'll listen to sound of your voice or the sound of your breathing as long as I get to hear it forever.  

*(v.m)

When you left me
I erupted like a volcano
I self destructed in every way possible
Because deciding you wanted yourself more than you wanted me
Would change things
And I hope one day you see
Being so selfish is never the way to go
That pain that comes with walking away from love is just as real as the pain that comes with being left
And I cry a tsunami for you every night
I’m still crying and it’s been over a month
That’s how I know your different than the rest
Because I know I won’t ever be able to forget you
Because you were a whole other kind of beautiful boy
The kind I could fall in love with and pray to god I marry one day
Even though you always said you never believed in marriage
And I hope you see the pain that comes from walking away from love is just as real as the pain of being left
Because that’s the story of my life
But I have faith in you
If it takes 10 or 20
Months or years
I’ll still want you more
(v.m)

I don’t know if you miss me
But holy **** I miss you
Holy **** do I miss hearing your stereo laughter
Holy **** do I miss that look in your eyes when you’d stare at me
Holy **** I always feel like I can’t breath now
I guess that’s my anxiety telling me you must really mean something
Did you know by next week it’ll be a month since we’ve spoken?
That’s what you wanted right?
You wanted a month.
And Jesus ******* Christ I pray for you every night even though we haven’t talked
I hope you at least talk to me by your birthday
If you don’t then Happy Birthday, I’ll still love you when March comes
I’ll still wish you well even if you don’t remember me in 2 more months from now
Which is exactly how much time you asked for.
Will you be back in two more months?
Counting somehow makes it easier to deal with
Because I keep wishing you’ll be back like you said you would
Its 2 am again holy **** I’m crying a river again


(v.m)

I didn’t know what loving sunshine was like until I met you
Through soft words and peach skin kisses you’ve wrapped my heart
And I love you now more than the sunshine
And I’ll love then more than the sunset
One million kisses later and I’m still sure
I didn’t know what loving sunshine was like until I met you
You lit up my world and believed in me
Spun me up with love and hold me tight until the storms over
Take my wilted willow heart and make me bloom like the first sunflowers in June
Show me what the light of loving you looks like and never let it dim
Don’t turn off the light
I’m scared of the sea because it’s cold and lonely
But I swear I didn’t know what loving sunshine would look like—-until I met you
(v.m)

I still have my old calendar up on the wall
I know it sounds dumb
But I can’t take it down
Just like I can’t bring myself to burn anything
That’s what I did with other lovers stuff
But for some reason
I can’t burn or rip and throw anything in the garbage
Because I respect you too much to do that
It’s just that December was the last time you looked at me like that
And December was the last time you told me you loved me
And I won’t throw away the book you found for me
Because no one has ever cared that much
So if you wanna know if I’ll be okay
I don’t know
I don’t know this time
But I need to give your Christmas gifts so they can’t remind me you aren’t around anymore
And I think my family knows your gone
Because I’ve avoided all questions involving you
And I’ll have to lie in order to leave the house now
Because staying in my room too long just reminds me of how many nights you spent laying in my bed with me

I have a new calendar up on the wall
Right beside the old one
If you get into Oregon then I hope you’ll be okay on your own
I hope being selfish was one hell of a lesson to learn
I hope essays and words remind you of me
I hope stories and books and selfless people give you nightmares
And I hope when you reread the story I wrote it takes you back to what being loved felt like

(v.m)

You can have that boy
really you can
I don't want him but not because of reasons you think
you can have that boy because if he won't have deep talks with you at 1 am then I don't want him
if he doesn't like books and his favorite parts don't happen to end in cliff hangers and beautiful begininngs then I don't want him
If he isn't very smart and his bestfriend is a pig I don't want him
if he chooses looks over intellect and the feel of your skin as apose to what's underneath it and if he doesn't try to dig deeper into your soul through unlocked doors then I don't want him
if he pretentious and thinks he's all that and more and presumes he can throw your heart around like a deck of cards, then I don't want him
if he plays your heart strings like his favorite instrument and then puts it away when he gets tired then I don't want him
if he chooses false friendships over your love and says he "simply doesn't have the time" to save you
Then I don't want him
Quite frankly I don't want a boy
who is built out of stone cold silver and rotting piles of dirt
I don't want a boy who isn't clever and doesn't let his nostalgia over take him from time to time...
so you can have that boy

*vm

Everytime I tell a boy just how much he means to me, he replies with "You can't help how you feel" or something along those lines and those six words alone bring a tear to my eye because yes I can't help how I feel. The moon doesn't apologize for falling at daybreak, and rain doesn't apologize for ripping at your winter coat, so really why should I apologize for loving you?

Maybe you were no good from the beginning but I do know that I can't help shaking at the thought of your skin colliding with mine, the touch of your fingers could send chills down my spine and make me breath smoky fog for about a year after winter. I can't help falling in like with the way you half smile when you look at the sky or the way you inhale smoke and release it from your lungs like a pro at blowing autumn leaves even though you aren't a master at escaping.  I can't help clawing at your backbone for hours on end hoping that somewhere within the hour I'll be able to feel your spinal cord in the midst of our encounter, and bring you back from the dead. I can't help loosing control of my tongue the minute you feed me lies, although you could burn beautiful words in the back of my throat, I promise I won't scream. I can't help wanting to unravel your secrets and read you books at 1 am and talk about the rest of our lives for hours on end, although owning an apartment in New York overlooking the rest of the world sounds quite appealing, don't you think? We could sit at the window and drink coffee in silence, I promise not to bombared you with words for to long. I can't help mistaking those summer nights for learning of your darker days, because you hid neatly behind your two glass spectacles and didn't dare show me what lied beneath your brown pupils. I can't help that an evening in your car will only drive me insane, because who knows where our nostalgia will take us as we drive down memory lane, maybe our honesty will get the better of us and our love will come flooding back into our bones before our soberity has a chance to say no.  I can't help seeing a light in your eyes if you walk me home in the dark, because I just might go blind if I allow you inside my burning building, I might become ash before you have a chance to pull me out alive.
There is a lot of truth in what you said because yes-- I guess I just couldn't help falling in love with you,
So yes-- I guess I really can't "help how I feel" after all.

*vm