**** man its hard to quit especially if your life now revolves around it its impossible to help someone who doesn't want it and its even harder to get somebody to come and side with you if they were never even near you
It's a tricky world
You get so far to be pushed back to before you even started and i hate to know its right
The time i get it right its wrong to everyone else
I cannot become what everyone seems to wish for me I'm changing everyday into someone i regret even becoming in the first place and i cant stop even if I wanted too cause im pretty sure im in too deep to quit now...

Caffeine my dearest addiction, the thing that I breathe the thing I crave the thing that keeps me alive...
Designed to keep its users going like some well oiled machine...
I need you to live...
You change me give me life I breathe your scent to stay alive.
I have never been more hooked than I am right now
Using you to keep above my sleep deprivation fuelled by my need to change my creation.
Essentially, but I think I've already got a more dangerous addiction...
You

My words always feel empty
As if made with lack of empathy
Throughout my rotten history
I’ve suppressed all these memories
Frames of painted wooden glass
Let me see into my past
I wish I could change what use to be
So that these words weren’t as heavy
But times a thing I can’t control
Nor something I can just let go
Or an element I can change
So I’ll stay stuck in my ways
Of believing that I will end this guilt
Or suffering what I can’t ****
But one thing will stay the same
My words will still feel empty
Even when my eyes
Are filled with tears

See humans aren't like glass because we can be broken but still have life but at the same time you can be cracked but so hollow,
like your insides are frozen and broken all dried up and gone but no damage has actually been sustained to you, there's no reason that the glass cracked it just did.
That's what everyone thinks
Cause no one can see through the glass and the stuff inside the glass well that's your head and your heart and what hides in the bottom of the never ending bowl is what makes it crack, the depression turns the water black, anxiety makes it cold,
the paranoia makes it swirl into tsunamis and waves the hight of mountains,
the drugs poison the life that lived and that's just the beginning of the trauma, after that you've got the bullying and the anorexia,
then let's not even start on the problems that started the day you were born because who actually cares right now?
everyone only sees the mask I portray but its okay cause nobody can see through the glass mask I hide behind
So I'm okay

I never looked at my scars
Or tried to find them
I never checked the healing
I just let them fade
Almost like they were never
even meant to be there
Purposely put there
fastly forgotten
I've only just looked
I can see them as
I've just cut them
Little beads of red
Camouflaged into my skin
as scars
Little lines of rage
I promise you i was confused
And now im a little over 3 years clean
But that doesn't mean that even though
All this time has just flown by
That im completely whole inside
Urges exist
And so do the rest
But im better and coping inside this shell
My tiny little world
Finally at rest

i cant picture myself with anyone but you
Your golden brown hair
Your big green blue eyes
Your light yet tanned skin
Your dimpled smile
Your chipped tooth
Your not too big yet not too small glasses
Your red and blue music taste
Your orange and black clothing sense
Simple words
One single meaning
Your my world
Your my light
Without you its fight or flight
Without you i cant sleep at night
Without you i can barely breathe
You've become a part of me

Don't start an addiction you can't fund
Don't get jealous of somthing you can't have
Don't make yourself Ill if your well
Puff puff pass puff puff pass
'Where's the grinder' 'anyone got bud'
Daily routine of joint after joint
Nightly thing is cravings coffee and nicotine needs
An addiction I can't fund
A jealousy I should never have gotten
A thing I can't help when my minds the way it is
Save us ends, save us ends        
'I've got the light' 'I've got skins'
Play lists of stoner songs
Days blur into weeks, slowly into months
But it's now you
Your eyes have become what I latch on to when I'm fuzzy
You when I'm getting anxiety I know your there
You're too blazed You're too blazed
'You making one?' 'how well can you roll'
Acoustic was our thing
Nights spent next to you, not together like that together as friends
But I'm okay with that I knew feelings were evil but playing a joke on there own slave this cruel hurt me from elsewhere.
I dont know who I want, do I long for her knowing old arms, do I long for the ones barely even open?  

I guess only time will tell, waiting for you to open those arms that have been felt by the pinch of a blade the pain of needles and join to the hands that can play the guitar as if it's your life machine with each chord a new minute added to how long you will live is like waiting for a dry day in storm season, and it seems like a never ending storm...
Or I could go running to hers which know my pain, those who at many points have had the exact same heartbeat.
Those who have embraced me at my lowest to take me to a different level of high just to drop me from there to crash.
I knew what love was with her the giddiness the longing, the pure need to see her whenever you couldn't in the slightest even speak to them. When we could sit in silence and just be happy to finally be with each other.
Our eyes where always up we couldn't look down we soared so high together felt the course of adrenaline trough us at the exact same time. She gave me the most scars yet the happiest memories. She took my heart she moulded her mark and filled a gap I didn't know I had and when she wasn't near I needed her so bad she became my water. She was water and I needed whisky for around three months and cigarettes for around four so whisky and ciggies cured the hickeys I had a remainder of until my whisky run out,  in some cases I was glad I didn't need it.
But I'm still smoking...

If you don't choose a side you either fall through the crack and die or you create your own platform and survive,
you just gotta chose life over death
but sometimes it's really just not what you want
Because If you put a gun up to my head
I'd beg for the trigger to be pulled
But if you handed me the gun
I'd put it back down
Because my heart couldn't **** me
But my head wishes nothing more...

I can't feel my brain
I don't know why I can't
Or if humans are even meant to
But my brains numb
Could be what I smoke
Possibly how much I drink
But whiskey doesn't hurt
Once your already burned
From a love
You've drunk away before

It's just I can't actually breathe without wanting you
I want you
I want to text and call and hang out and do nothing, I wanna just sit there and listen to you play guitar and sing quietly.
Just to hear your laugh,
Or call you a gimp for a meme that you seen like seven weeks ago which your sure made you loose your ****,
But I can't.
Because I know that you're not like that...
And it's just me in this now...
But hey I have photos and you can say you were my first so congrats you've earned ***** of the year without even knowing it...