i think it’s ‘cause
i’ve never had
a boy to call my own
no whispered names, no midnight texts
no ache i’ve ever known
maybe that’s why i can’t quite grasp
why beautiful girls stay
my little sister and dearest friends
when what they call “love”
turns dull and gray
he speaks in thorns
not petals soft
and yet they hold on tight.
is it fear of being all alone
or hope that he’ll make it right?
and here i am
untouched by blinding love
can only stand and see
how strange it is to love someone
when they bring you only harm.

is it something in the water?
or the way they’re taught to win?
“if she tells you no, keep trying.”
as if love is a door
that needs to be kicked in.
even my father
with his anger
loud, burning, and red.
as well as my brothers
one who inherited my father’s anger
and the other
who thinks **** jokes are funny.
and the boys i grow to love
with gentle hands
and painful ignorance
they are all evil in some way.
not always with cruel intentions
but with neglectfulness.
in making promises like they’re disposable.
in the way they leave
without calling it leaving.
i used to think it was just my bad luck
how they are raised
how they are forgiven
or how they aren’t
how they are never told they’ve hurt someone
until she tells them.
until she weeps before their eyes.
and asks them what she did wrong.

don’t say you love me
please, it’s all that i ask of you
i am selfish, i am cruel
and i hurt those i hold dear
i hurt myself and get scared when i open up
although
with you, i am not scared to open up…
but one day
if i get angry
and say something i don’t mean
you will not see me the same
i am the oldest daughter
i will get angry, my darling, so do not tell me i will not
that i won’t scare you away
don’t say you love me
in fact, don’t even act like you do
i can’t understand how you can just stand there
quietly smiling
and let me ramble about everything that has mildly affected me
in the past two years…
you told me that i could talk about whatever i wanted to
that i could let it all out
and i almost cried.
because those words showed me that you cared.
and i’m forever thankful that you do
but i still mean it when i tell you
don’t say that you love me
because i know one day that i will do something wrong
and if i can avoid hurting you, it would be everything to me.
for i could stand here for hours
and list the reasons why you should not tell me that you love me
but yet i sit here
and i love you.
this is how
i am selfish
and i am cruel.
and my sweet
i hold you dear.