At this point "I
Might cry"
Is my
Catchphrase;
You can probably
See
It on my face
But there's this urge for me
To just point it out
And make everything about
Myself or at least that's how
It works in my head.
But for now
There isn't much else for me to say
Instead (****).
Finish off with a laugh
So they know
Just how deep they've to go
Because smiles don't mean
A thing if you've been
In most people's shoes.
And usually
The
Attempt at making it a joke
Is a good one
So we brush it off as fun
Conversation--
The guilt starts to set
In but luckily I don't get
The spotlight
That I had wished for at first
So everything's alright
And I didn't spoil your night.

Sometimes I scroll through
The messages you
Sent and try to
Figure out
If you ever actually
Cared about
Me.
Because on some days
You'd say
I was the only one who
Understood how you
Were feeling and on others
It's like we
Don't even know one another
And after ghosting me
For a day or two
Now you're suddenly
Willing to do
Anything for (one of your) best
Friends.
I don't know how many
Times it seemed to be
That you would end
This torture but if I
Know anything about you
It's that time'll pass by
And neither of us are going to
Do
Anything because I keep foolishly
Hoping you'll change and you're
Too blind to see
Just how much you're hurting me.

Just watch the children run
Out of the lift (I've never
Experienced it but since when was tuition fun?)
One
After another
Parents searching amongst the crowd
To find their own amongst the others
And it's not like they're particularly loud
But I still can't tell who's who
And when they all make it to
Mummy and Daddy
Dashing past me
As I stand plastered to the wall
I'm just wondering how they're all
So happy
Now another group of adults now
Probably off work
Wondering how
To pay the bills, feed the family
These are the ones with the more
Relatable faces
Headspace
Only for
Work and stress
And honestly this change is happening far
Too early for the people in our
Age and now the question I'm asking is
“When will they grow out of this”
This naivety, this knowing
That growing
Up won't change a thing
Because that isn't what I've been seeing.

You'd hit a point where you
Realise that everyone's lying
To you. Because after a while
You realise you can't keep trying
To smile
When they
Say
You're beautiful; you hear
That lie every other day
When people get near
Enough to the part
Of your heart
That hides the insecurities;
And "gosh thanks for helping me"
Is probably
Just them being happy
That the job's done
Or the game's won.
And so eventually
The words that used to be
Called "praise" now show
Themselves as "I know you know
This isn't true"
And as much as I love you
The walls just become harder
To hear through.

You never want a friend
Making one
Too good lest the friendship ends
When they realise you're not fun
Or smart or pretty
Enough when they meet others
On another
Whole new level.
It's human nature to
Want to come first, don't you
Think? Because being somebody's
Number one is the only
Thing that came to me
Thinking about what I want in life
The other night
And I know it's not right
To think like this
But if you've ever felt this way before
You'd know
There's no
Point in trying anymore.

I don't think you know
Just how many
Times I've checked my phone, so
Excited to see
If you've seen
My text but the screen
Flashes back at me
And I'm already
Aware
Of the fact that you
Don't care
As much as I do
But still I know you're online.
It's just that your time
Can never be mine.

So the thing
About being
In a library
That really,
Really
Bugs me
Is the silence
Because sometimes
(Most times?)
Quiet is great, right?
Or at least until
You accidentally ****
The vibe by making
A sound or taking
A quick, far-too-noisy
Walk to shelf 23
And like with most lists
This one is non-exhaustive
And so yeah, is it dumb of me
To lowkey
Be
Afraid to enter a library?