As I pondered,word for word ,
Broke it down to it's atomic pieces
Placed a microscope on the trenches of my skin
Questioned each phase , and  layered the meaning of it all , doubted my own existence and truely made a bed of my wonders . Had I truely forgiven myself.Had I killed at the pesticides hidden in my heart . Burnt my own flesh and truely loathed the skin I wore . Had I become the non existence of my worthiness, had I bled words of complete oblivion, chattered out a sea of revaluations only to pay them no mind, was I the question I had constantly asked and fed off the thrill within the answers . Was it over yet? The grief within my breathing extended my lifespan , the envy of those oblivious to the torture of time , Am I stuck ? Am I lost ? Was it ever really mine ?or was I just masticating at the thought of it being true , had I really fallen inlove with you

Tuesday night, my mother sits , her face buried in her screen
Blues playing on the radio at the neighbours house
My brother yells from across the bolder keeping us apart
My door opens , freshly presented with a new responsibility

Breathing , had so feverishly left ,
As the words echoed through the pen keeping me sane

My mother had brought me a request ,
A journey through the cracks of our house,
Whispering the imperfections of my efforts
My books sadly abandoning me in the abyss of my cluelessness
Pots ringing in the distance ,my mother notices my exhaustion
Considering her yearning for my duty
The door shuts pulling the last of my efforts at its tail
Victory! Shortly lived , as the voice blasts into the oblivion of my echo
“RUN ME A BATH OF COLD WATER"
“AND DONT FORGET TO BREATH"

When everything hurt
And the world faded before my eyes
Huffing for air and patching at my lungs
I looked and searched for the redundancies in my existence
Only to kiss at the realisation, that maybe the world does not deserve me

I had fallen so undoubtedly inlove with the remnants of you . Kissed at the mere thoughts of you being mine once more . Tortured my own mind into crushing at your memory,and yet salvaging all that I could keep of you . You were gone , many had accepted it but why could I not ? Why was I tearing at my tounge hoping you would hear words I had never spoken to you . Telling you the complexities of my love for you . It was torture simply loving you , bathing my lungs in the smoke from yours . I had known I had loved you but I hated you even more . I had made a room of your beauty, painted it's wall with your sarcasm , lit up the room with your compliments, made a bed of your love , found comfort in your cigarettes, left the window slightly ajar to let you in . Forced myself into your oblivion and finally accepted your existence, withering in the pain of never loving you the same , I yearned , being starved of a fantasy , I made vines of my arms , spat grapes from my teeth , fermented my pride and made a wine for your famished tounge  to lick upon , I had made you drunk for my love , feverish for my touch , reluctant to your reality I had made you mine , but never was I yours , with you I had yearned to be more , to bathe in acceptance and yield off any doubts but you were a man feeding off my young  so it being burnt in my nature how could I trample your pride and lather you walls with rejection. You were a circumstance,a built in fantasy , a book of desires , the embodiment of everything and nothing at all . So word it to me , acknowledge my uneducated being and tell me tales , twist at my oblivion and tell who was I to say no,who was I to perish at your advances , and tell you that you were furthest from the love I seeked , that your touch was bruising to my skin , that I had fallen inlove with a compromise and not a companion. That I had sacrificed the feeling of freedom to be bound by the guilt of my reciprocation, that I was haunted by my lack of mercy to your withering heart , that I knew  to you I was the blood pumping at your heart but to me you were soon to be lover from the past . That I had been feeding off your naivety, that your reluctance to trust clenched at the skin of my lips and sealed a promise in my heart . The I had been crippled with boredom, and forced my being into yours for the pureness of my entertainment. Who was I to tell you ,  what was hidden between the crevices of my smile , who was I to show you the intent within my glistening eyes , who was I to save you from who I truely was ...

She was all we had left of him... “was" a sullen reminder of her passing. Soon we would see the self proclamation of those who said they loved her . But only when she was bruised and beaten down . Her son's a brutal reminder of a motherhood she'd rather forget . Soon she'll be forgotten like the rest . They'll wear black and praise her name , reiterate her dance moves and leaving a space just in case , maybe she knew when those promises would subside , when the demons hushed as those around silently watched as she died . Each sentence riddled with past tense , you lost a sister,we lost a mother and a best friend . At some point , I had hated who she was , swore she was everything but human , but as time aged my mind I saw it all, the brokenness of her , but still she stood tall . She giggled through the torture,even tripped on her own words , made humour of her troubles, clashed her teeth to the next, her defiance a sight to relish in , as frail as she became no one could stop her dancing, glistening with pure wonder, she was everything. Worded within the beauty of torture , chaotic and derived from pain , she grew wings , even with blistered feet she flew again , cackling at the wolves baring her teeth at our sympathy, I knew she clawed her lungs for her last breath , broken and barren we still rejoiced in her absence, licking the dregs of our tears , feasting off our grief , we danced through the night .. barely mentioned the reasons for our gatherings , we swore at the stars , praised a God we'd barely believed in , kissed our teeth to class of wine , clogged our lungs with memories, today we danced with acceptance, tomorrow our feet will hurt with reality. Time will  scan our misfortune, conformity dwelling at our feet , we'll sing of your memory, Even though though we know that you're gone

At the touch of love most become poets , twisting the spines of fairytales and reciting the tortures of our past loves . Burning the words of caution and leading blindly into the oblivion of its touch. Feeding on its illusive state of mind , abandoning our being . At the touch of love most become painters , reminiscing each curve of their lovers breath in each stroke they lay on the canvas, painting a love only they could understand. At the touch of love most become singers , finding hidden notes in the crevices of their teeth , burning memories in each melody . At the touch of love most become martyr's , kneeling at the ponds of their lovers tears , swearing oath to the beat of their heart . At the touch of love most become sunsets , so far yet so close , burning at the scars they shared . Yearning for an eternity where dusk doesn't burn at their feet . At the touch of love most become lovers , dancing at the tune of their forever , watching as the rest sulk at a rhythm they do not know . At the touch of love at I  become stagnant , unwilling to move from this  feeling of euphoria , swelling at the thought of it ending. At the touch of love I become a question, riddling my young with doubt , and questions of my deserving. Till I had eventually let love lays it's touch on everyone but me

I wanted to glue every part of me to you
And dance with the devil you had become
I wanted to feed off the pain in your eyes
As you cried rivers of bloom
I wanted to be your spring
An everlasting flower loitered with thorns
I wanted to feel the beat in your chest
And match it's rhythm to mine
I wanted to be yours in every form of the word
I wanted to paint onto the blankness of your canvas
And ruin the innocence dancing on your tongue
I wanted to burn the engravings of my name on the nape of your neck
I wanted to kiss at the scars I made
I wanted to caress the coral on your cheeks
And watch your smile fade into pleasure
I wanted you to want every burden bruising your shoulders
I wanted you to fade into the distant thoughts of others
Yet vividly lust at the thought of being mine
I wanted you to be mine
I wanted you to cradle at my yearning
And feel all that I feel for you
I wanted you
I wanted to graze my teeth on the layers of your skin
And read between the creases of you eyes
I wanted to learn every twitch of your thumb
And trace it's skin on my lips
I wanted to drown in your abyss
I wanted every single piece hidden within the creases of your eye
As your face creased with a smile
I wanted you to be mine , feel like mine , dream like mine , word like mine , walk like mine but with that unjustly sinking feeling I drown in the realisation that you could never be mine

As I scrapped the scabs on my skin
With and eraser
These colours stuck at the corners of my eyes
What an eye sore I thought
But people looked at me weird down the street
And they silently whispered
"Did he beat her too"

Beaten and all bruised out
Clinging to the last breaths of our grief
The fogs of our cigarettes twisting between our teeth
Past lives shared within our eyes
We danced yet hoped we died
Forever living in the glory of our what if's
Bound by the  sacrifice we shared
We were sworn enemies,strangers now friends
We walked through the dregs we each paid 2 pence for
Searching through the corners of our jeans
For the years we felt complete
We sniffed at the dust of our memories
Pimples eating at our face as we dreamed of the glory of our lives
First we were 20 , 21 now 25
The years have surely gone by
But glued at the soles of our shoes
Was a promise , a lie ,a fantasy
Only we were wild enough to believe
But heavens by the times , did we choose to see
What time would do to you , to us , to me
Foolish disposables walking through the end of the world
The end of yours , of ours even mine
But as we swore at the dawn and washed away the breeze of the night
The day , the light ,the life even the time
When we had sat with our reality
Our truth
Our fault
Our nature
Heaving the sighs of Finally growing up

I'd rather be convicted and put to death
FOR MISANDRY
Than ever be accused
Of
LOVING A MAN

I valued my currency
Time was value
Love was value
Value was currency
Currently currency was money
Time is money
So pardon my greed
When my love dulls the edges of your credit card
I valued my currency
You ask me to love you for free
And now I let you go
BECAUSE I VALUE MY CURRENCY

Now starts the chant
Of
A
F I R E
B R E A T H I N G
M A N

And grief had chewed its way through my skin
Ripping the walls I had tirelessly built apart
I was dying , simply because you had died too

And there we were dancing with the stars ,how we always did
Knowing in the depth of our hearts
That we will drift apart ,how we always did
But how tragically lovely it is to know , you still love me
How you always did

Humanity,An opioid of complete destruction
A feeling of complete bliss
Eating at ones flesh
Swollen with bruises
Kissed on with pure desire
Derailing from its inevitable consequence
Feeding off its relentlessness
Wishing, craving and sweetening in the gums of our passions
Stiffened by our willingness
Consent clogging at our throats
We were starved , uneasy and famished by the pureness of our sacrifice
Ripping at our lungs for air
We were clogged by the  fumes of our betrayal.
Elasticated by our flexibility from the truth
We were judgements , hurting at thought of our comfort
Burning for a feeling of pure want
Escapees from the  prison of society
Harmful to the vendors of our mind
Hurting from the remnants of our predecessors
We were generations of desire
Languishing for a reality of pure lust
Clashing our teeth at the books of our times
We were authors printing our devotion
We were poetry
Drugged out by our literacy
Hardened in our eyes
Knowing, yet still lost in the pools of   our thirst
Illicit and impotent to our progression

I received a letter today
And tear drops adorned the page
Why were you crying
If the words you wrote , were words declaring your hate
But no words you say
That could ever sway my understanding
For I know your words of hate
have another meaning
And my love I speak your tounge
For I know you simply meant
You love me more than anyone

Loving you was the last thing
I felt really good at

Chaos was evident within her mind . Her words drunk off a poison she had never tasted before . Her own existence was stagnant. The dancefloor riddled with uncertainty, she had lost her groove,only those around barely even noticed . Her spine had switch directions leaving lying flat on the dancefloor, she fumed with anger as she hated the pity within our eye. Though she listened to our music with understanding, since she knew all we did was care , even if that meant till the music ends , soon enough she swayed her hips to the new rhythm she had been dealt, staring into the oblivion of her end . Still anger burnt within her eyes when she stared into mine , forgetting the promise that she made , our faces glistening in gold as we swayed to the new song we shared , acceptance settling within our hearts
But still with our hearts broken , knees cracking ,calves swollen with exhaustion, tears rolling down our faces ,she whispered with such glee, let's have our last dance again

My mind can't bare listening to love songs
Without you consuming it's every thought
But maybe that's because my whole existence
is hidden in every melody
My love for you in every verse
Sadly I listen
Knowing your existence isn't in a single chord
I know you don't love me
As much as I wish you would

The only reason I didn't give you a chance
Was because my *** was the reason
I caught your glance
You said
At the rate I'm plucking my feathers
No one will ever desire me as much as you would
I battled you with my morale
As much as I could
Cause I knew
Boys like you
Dancing on the edge of their manhood
Never ever understood

Before she is your wife
She is my mother
Before she is my mother
She is a sister
Before she is a sister
She is a daughter
Before she is a daughter
She is a human
And how do I live with the fact that she is just as mortal as
The rest of us

It was a Tuesday
The morning stabbing at my eyes
Uniform hanging on my door
Getting ready for the day
I walked into my mother's room
My brother being dressed on the bed
His oblivion mind
And milky teeth whispered
To me
" She was crying"
and I told him to hush
As I realised how human she was after all

This city drowns with our memories
How am I to live in it
Without you ?

You had always asked me what I loved most about you
"I loved the tragedy in your eyes"
              ... " It made me think I could fix you "

Skating on a bruised ego , darkened lungs , failed social life, academic failure and lack of relationship status... Overall growing up fucken *****

Take this kiss on the nape of your neck
As
I rid your heart of the pain I may cause it to bare
Bathe every piece of me with inevitable envy
For I long to spend my endless sorrows with just a touch of your skin
Smoothen these calloused hands with the finest lotion
So
They can finally reach for your warm embrace
Twist my bones and crush them into the finest dust of narcotics
So
You can get high off my fault line
Then toss what's left of me into the sweetest blazen of beauty's  Beast .
Preserve all the wonder in my eyes
For
They know no boundaries when cast on your shadowy figure
For I have longed for just the rhythm of your voice
To hypnotize the blind man I've become
Even so
I must leave my love , for I serve no light to your dimmed frame of beauty
I am a stained being
Who
Stains as she leaves
So
Do not water your sheets for a heathen like me
I
Do not deserve the waters of your love
So
Carry your heart with ease
As my hands are stained with a past I cannot bare to speak
For
When I've loved ...
I've only silently lost

I yearned for an eternity
A lifetime where it was only me
Where each fibre soaring in my lungs would finally breathe
Where humanity rested at my feet
I craved the feeling of utter destruction
The feverish feeling of everyone dying
But I was no GOD , no worthy being to rule the world

There was something hidden within my loneliness
A never ending feeling of settling within the edge of my glory days
I hadn't had a drink in ages
Why was I so complacent
I have broken from my prime
Why am I so concerned
I haven't had a smoke in a while
Why do I smoke
Why
Why am I alive
Why
Why
Why
Such questions without a question mark
I've burdened myself from my younger days
I'm incoherent, indecisive
Why do I care
No body cares
If I ****** at my dignity with parentheses
An overload of unbearable redundancy
My patience has strung its way through my teeth
Why am I failing year 11
Why do my peers smell like sweat
Do I smell like sweat
All these questions without question marks
Have I become a period
The end of every sentence
The after thought hidden within the tortures of teenage hood
I haven't cried in a while
Why
Why
Why .... She whispered in the hollow room she shared with her therapist

You made pain sound so hauntingly beautiful
That all your flaws became freshly jeweled dimes
But everything was temporary when it came to you
The Pain
The Pleasure

I wish I could see life through a shaded lense, maybe orange, maybe blue , anything but clear

Silence was a canvas
And no one could paint it like you could

Do you know , I have pressed against the veins of my heart , to teach myself the feeling of unloving you ?

And before we could even realise it
Everything we had talked about
Felt
And seen of each other
Was dumbed down to a simple moment
A moment where your eyes were filled with pure lust
No gravity holding the innocence of
Teenage love
My skin bare before your eyes
Did you even love me at all ?

I have overstayed my comfort in your hands
By knowing that we ruined our love
With our temporary

Seventeen is no dream to remember
But we hoped we'd have cleansed our airways by the time 18 dawned at our feet
We had prayed that our innocence had not been blurred within the lines of our trauma
We had hoped our dreams beamed within our doom
That our fear was justified in the struggle
And that our tolerance for each other was worth it
That we were not addicted to our dependance on society
Cause we were no longer kids
We had outworn our childhood
The paint on our faces had cracked
And
The desert of our freedom had swelled with reluctance
But we still wanted it
To be young
To latch onto the protection of ours mother's
But we had grown a few sizes too big
Sadly we were exactly where we were meant to be
We were seventeen

I wish I could write love poems about you
But I've realised the love I feel that deep for ,  is not true
So I save my devotion at the tip of my pen
I'll never write a love poem about you , not now , not ever again

And there we were two worlds colliding, one of complete loneliness the other heart felt freedom

I had grown so viciously accustomed to the  ignorance hidden within the history of my chrome heart
I had ventured off into palaces of sexuality , learning a new form of expression
I had fed off the uncertainty of acceptance for those of my kind
Those who so innocently learnt of what to do but never with who
I had wondered if the words kissed at my teeth,were to tell the tales of my ***,would people run or would they embrace me with my celibacy
I was 17 many had tried atleast more than a hug
A sweet caress between their thighs as they gave up what I'm so constantly trying to hide
Maybe I had bruised my body so much that I had convinced the uncertainty in my mind that I am still a women
But was I enough of a women to sacrifice my women -hood for a hood I barely even fit into
But I've held the barrel of my virginity and swung it in the eyes of temptation
I have worked hard to build on my purity
But is it even mine

We walked through every corner of our fantasy
Wrote essays of the pleasure hidden within our resolution
Adamant that the torture of our adultery, was torture to us only
We bath our skin in the bloods of our innocence
What had made us become so famished?
Why had we relished in the depths of our depravity ?
Why did we live in a love where you and I were nothing but a fantasy ?

I have died far too many times , than I have given myself to live

"I bet your mother would be proud of you "