When I was a lot younger I was just getting though a few things that were very traumatic. When I came across something I actually made me feel ******* fantastic. The changes that occured me were pretty much automatic. The changes were so rapid that my whole world was rearranged it was rather drastic.
At that time I could see how my life has become chaotic as well as problematic. I was seriously distracted. In those moments my entire life had been quite deeply impacted. I was still eager to use in fact I was enthusiastic. A lot of it was the situation had been crafted. Off into to space I often blasted. I couldn't see how from my happiness this had subtracted. Looking back I am ****** ashamed of how I sometimes acted. Seriously I'm still flabbergasted at how long this has lasted. Just maybe one day I'll actually get passed it. My thoughts turned erratic my heart beat was sporadic. At that time I could not see that it was ******* tragic. I was still enchanted by its ******* magic. I was handed a habit. I tried to stay lit as ****. The problem was I didn't understand it. Probably because I was the highest ******* on the planet O ended up turning in a. Fanatic that's when I began to panic. This was a completely different dynamic. Entirely psychosomatic I ended up pretty phlegmatic. Now I have just about had it. Not that I'm trying to melodramatic. I am just a ******* addict with a head full of ******* static.

its almost 5 in the morning

Sneaks up without warning
Habit forming
Addictions storming
Dope burning
Stomach churning
Still yearning
Never learning
Its concerning
Its alarming
How I keep returning
Its disturbing
I'm not deserving
Who Am I Becoming

When you look in the mirror and don't recognize your own face
all ****** up you're a ******* head case
The type of lifestyle it creates
Feeling like nothing more than a disgrace
All you really want is just another taste
Of the **** that got you here in the first place

Old habits die hard I believe that to be a fact
Braced myself for the impact
Why do I keep on coming back
Chaos and calamity I attract

Nothing soothes the savage beast
Nothing I do brings me peace
I'm longing for that sweet release
Just a little bit at least

I don't know anything that's worse
Than this generational Curse
Me and my demons converse
Its ****** up when you don't know your worth

Hate the fact that you've got to have it
Do **** near anything to feed the habit
Head so full of ******* static
Earn yourself a straight jacket

I accidently breathed life into the beast that has always seemed to reside deep down inside.
Where my patience is already short supplied.
My sorrow can't ever truly be denied.
Eyes filled with tears that I haven't yet cried.
Where am I going to next I cannot decide.
I may just go ahead and ride the pride,
breaking through to the  other fuclimg side so my cousin I can see.
Him and the rest of my deceased family.
I stand among the debris.
myself I am trying to run from me.
Tomorrow coming holds no gaurettee.
The  only thing that I could ever hope to be is just pain old me.
LOnging to be ******* free
This sinister darkness is ******* foreboding.
feel like I should be exploding.
I am already over loading,
******* hardcoding til I went off roading.
was smoking just floating.
To me this is ******* coping
that is until I start choking.
I am just hoping
the demons I am not provoking.
Surely I am not invoking.
I don't say that lightly for I am not joking.
Promoting their possession of my damaged soul
I travel on to the places even my angels fear to go
I have a feeling that I belong way down way down below.
I'll admit that loud is my rock and  roll I constantly rock this bowl.
so apparently I am no where near being in control.
Im so broken I cannot be whole.
I have been impossible to console.
Then while praying out loud I heard it echo.
Why is I am here in this hellhole.
Armed only with a couple  bullets and  Daddy's pistole.
So don't you be an *******.
Into **** near everything I pour heart and soul.
I jump down another rabbit hole trying to catch that troll.
The horizon is already all aglow.
Did you not ******* know that end up that much more corrupt, I am cold.
This is a demented and perverse Fairytale that has already been told.
Matter of fact it getting rather old.
No questions were asked and there were no lies sold.
Like laundry I know right when to fold.
My ride or die has already died as he rode.
Cracks in my moral code. Life on this dirt road.
You don't have to tell me I know that I am throwed.
I always I end up sitting alone in **** dark,
trying to create a ******* Spark.
So I can watch myself as I stab myself with Jagged pieces of your broken heart. I am waiting on this journey that on which I'll soon embark.
I think It was somone in the hierarch
that to no one else could make an off/ handed remark.
There wasn't one person he didn't appear to outsmart.
It was pretty much his trademark.
My granny is our matriarch.
A Monarc from the trailer park.
Laughing like a loon I have gone mad as in raving stark.
I will not miss my mark,
From generation to generation this knowledge the elders did impart.
Keeping us prayed up on our way back up right from the start.
Feelings serverd now alicart.
I thought I was in prime position to fall apart
Losing myself in the nefarious dark.
My path needs illiumanating someone please light up my dark steps
help me not to be stressed.
I don't need to be obcessed.
MY true self I have surpressed.
I *******  confess
I am nothing but a hot mess
These crazy thoughts infest  
as the truth's hard to digest.
Burning down in the protest
The matriech I was meant to protect.
Now it's save your own *** that 100% in effect.
Spirits from the past I attempt to ressurect
So with the ones I sincerely missed I can soon connect
I wish I could do it imn a manner that was more direct
I don't know it was I did ******* expect
I only brought them back with  much love and respect
Even though my secrets are being safely kept
Still in a few days I haven't yet slept
I am more than a little wrecked
Emotionally broken in every aspect
on my traumatic past I reflect
I am in fact the suspect
on a rather touchy ******* subject
I am feeling pretty **** inept
I think maybe I need God to intercept
Outside my mind I have stepped
This is something I can accept
Over this unbearable pain I have wept
These memories from the past I try to eject
off into space I blast like a space cadet
perfect I **** up, I am a **** up perfect
I am sure I am one that won't be easy to forget
At making things worse I am indeed quite deft
The weight of the world on my shoulders I try to heft
What to expect from someone who's went this far left
The pain in my brain has been etched
The situations far to complex
The sorrow a ******* side effect
Wading in the pool of past regret
looking back in retrospect
smoking the day's last cigarette
while my thoughts I try to recollect

Life is like a ******* free throw,
you've got to know,
just when to let **** go.
Cold and barren is my very soul.
I get colder the older I grow.
Looking like a freak show,
that's out of control
I'm impossible to console.
Got up and went has gone my get up and go.
Not my first ******* rodeo.
Yet still I take it slow.
Turn up the radio,
I am afraid so,
don't **** up the status quo.
Rock the boat to and fro
rock and roll in stereo
rock a ******* bowl
the formalities I forego.
I hide away in a shadow
laid low
language as colorful as a rainbow
in the darkness I blindly stroll
so incomplete that I can never be whole please can I have a drumroll
as I tunnel down another rabbit hole
get caught up in the undertow
heave ******* **
the afterglow.
I belong way down below.
What comes next hell I dunno.
Riding ******* solo
take the low blow
even so take the evening slow
do as I ******* say so
travel to the places even angels fear to go gung **
geranimo
enemies start to fall like a Domino.
Although
I have reached a different plateau
bravo.
Hands down I am number one
I cannot be outdone.
I can't stop what's already begun
you will die tired if you try to run
I am ******* spun
I do this **** for fun
I don't need a gun
my baseball bat is set on stun
the games I have won.
Mercy I ******* have none
I'm almost ******* done.
Take it straight to the dome
higher than a drone
better leave my *** alone
bad to the bone
your ******* I will not condone
spinning like a cyclone
my mind is blown
whoever I was once was is long gone another demon's spawn
like a cartoon I've been drawn.
Waiting on the break of dawn
brains over brawn
grass always green when it's someone else's lawn
I am not just another pawn
even up the score
leave them wanting more
who knows what lies in store
rotten to the very core
to the heavens I implore
guts blood and galore
walk right out the door
I don't need you anymore.
I am command
do as I demand
things keep getting out of hand
hand over the contraband
you don't seem to understand
chasing dragons in my ******* Neverland nothing ever goes as I had planned.
Short attention span
now get in the ******* van
we've got a job to do
stop acting as if you are brand new
chased by the things we did once pursue. Don't you have a ******* clue
I trust very few
well really just two
if one isn't me what makes you think the other one is you
out of the clear blue
I see you clearly in my rear view
the situation you did badly misconstrue
on the horizon so blue
come someone no one knew
give the devil his due
let the sharpened blade of steel run through. Another day another dollar or so they say not that it matters not to me anyway
it all sounds so **** cliche
same old ******* **** just on a different day. Is that not always the way
hell to ******* pay
over the game we ******* play
can't keep the demons at bay
we all seem to go so far astray
cigarette burning the window sill joint laying in the ashtray
song list stuck on replay
nothing golden here long enough to stay can't you smell the stench of decay
cover it now with death's most fragrant bouquet.
At least until the spirits fades the **** away I know I am just out trying to get faded seeing through eyes so jaded
attempting to appear somewhat educated. Self medicated
half *** sedated
not enough religion to be loved just enough to be hated
never once have I hesitated
I've just hurried up and then I've waited.
My heroes for ghosts have been traded underestimated
even when I have concentrated
I have made things so much more complicated
the **** I have comtemplated
this **** is over ******* rated
it's all in the mistakes that I have made
even though I'm unafraid
my welcome I have overstayed
the pen mightier than the sharpened blade
a true ******* renegade
on a final escapade
in a shallow grave we'll all be laid
as we have fallen prey
to the ones who will slay us all one day.
I'm silver now tarnished dull and turning grey
not who I portray
myself I betray
life full of discord everything in such disarray
nothing on display
so without further delay
I give it all away
another day has come and gone just that fast
haunted by the memories that never seem to last
bombarded by fragments of the past
hole in my soul so **** vast.
The crowd is amassed
they've all been aghast
everyone is out getting trashed
before my eyes my life has flashed
pitch black when everything crashed
looking for what I had stashed
half *** smashed
perfectly ****** up I'm ****** up all the time
outside the parameters of my own **** mind
time I cannot rewind
bound by blood to these ties that bind searching for something I doubt I will ever find
trying to keep it kind
what does fate have desgined
the stars have aligned
which path have I been assigned
a character I've been wrongly defined.
To **** **** up I am rather inclined
far be it for me to be the one to remind
that the past I can't leave behind
in chalk the bodies have already been outlined.
It's about time for me to ******* go I believe don't be so ******* nieave
it's not that hard to conceive
it's getting harder and harder to breathe
I must take my leave
I was given a reprieve
I have no time left to grieve
into the oceans water the ****** weapon I heave
feels like the world's weight on my shoulders I'm attempting to heft
cant get right I've went so far left.
This case is open and shut
I am stuck in a rut
out in the open like a sitting duck
spitting out the pieces of my broken luck
the definition of disorderly conduct
ready to just ******* erupt.
That much more corrupt
falling from the sky in a manner that is quite abrupt
don't you dare to interrupt
just do precisely as I instruct
if I don't I am ****** if I do I am ******
out in the storm trying to get thunderstruck reeking havoc and running amuck
in this addict's mindset I am stuck
this wall took me years to construct
justice I obstruct
your senses I abduct
I am just about ready now to self Destruct. Free falling from the sky in a tail spin
this may very well be a battle I will never win uncomfortable as I am in my own **** skin air perfumed with the scent of *** and sin notify my next of kin
that I am headed to the ****** bin
for trying to slay the beast with a bobby pin
insanity is doing the same **** over and over again
a foe hell no I am a fiend my friend
this is the beginning of the end
with my inner beast I must contend
even if I do not seem to comprehend
try to defend my world of pretend
really is this the way around the river bend into the crowd I blend
no more broken hearts to mend
further down I decend
time to make amends
ready to say amen
just so it can all begin again
the battle no one will ever win
I leave here not Nessa but Silver her evil twin.

For the evening I was just about to get ready so I could retire.
I had no idea that situations were escalating until they were dire.
The words that I write  to me they do not quite inspire
As I find myself climbing high just to get myself higher
Until I halt and catch ******* fire, get tangled up in  barbed wire
This chaos that constantly seems to ******* transpire
No wonder this self medication I tell myself I require
Sweet ******* release pretty much my only desire
The voice inside of my mind is nothing but a liar.
I am a ******* wire live live ******* wire that is watching the fire
As the demons lurk in the shadows and nefarious monster conspire
I am spinning just spinning like a ******* spin dryer
I have gotten myself into such a fantastic quagmire
That if  I were to take my aim I would probably misfire
A catastrophe and calamity ******* chaotic supplier
Of time and space I am simply a waste an occupier
Questioning minds they do so often seem to inquire
About all the pain and suffering I did somehow easily acquire
Flames such as these a pyro such as myself cannot help but admire
As up in smoke goes my world, so complete it engulfs entire.
In the darkest hours before I am thought to finally expire
I only long to hear the breath taking harmony of the angels choir

Not so much weighing on my mind but all of it heavy on my heart. My words barely Audible for my throat's so parched
Yet right through the Flames of my own Hell I slowly marched
As random on lookers just quietly to themselves they remarked
Some intentionally trying to stage a great *******  upstart
As lonely on this journey I myself am about to embark
Hidden away the the blackness of this soul ******* dark
Feeling as if at the very seems I am coming completely apart.
Heading towards the brightest parts of Hell in a hand cart
A beautifully broken disaster yet still a ******* work of art
Trying ultimate my night with fingertips that just don't spark
In general really at least for the ******* most part
Not feeling in the least bit confident, or even ******* smart
My own **** Demise I am feeling as if I did somehow jump start
I hope that joint you are not planning  to just ******* bogart
Please if you loved me at all get me ****** before I depart

A journey of such drastic ******* measures
Has me digging up all my cherished treasures
As hard pressing the very pressures
Put on me by the grievous endeavors
Leaving only those I consider my aggressors
To wallow in their own **** self pleasures
I am here attempting to burn out my own receptors
Truly it is a rather one of  those remarkable kind of gestures
As to Ashes I reduce all these unnecessarily kept records
I need no scythe to frighten off all these Spectors
Shaded by all these unseen ******* reflectors
So before I end property of some ******* collector
I'll seem out my very own salvation my own protector
That is in an entirely different world another sector,
Pretending all the while to be the courts best jester
Someone who let's the sorrows ******* fester.
Yet will never admit that they are indeed the lesser
A self doubling complete second guessed
That has been smashed underneath every stressor.
Now blowing in the breeze light as a feather
I am gone not just for now but for *******, ever.

On my shoulder the entire weight of the world I attempt to heft. From future events this trauma has created a theft just know that even with my very last breath I couldn't get any further left. So far left I may never get right. My eyes are quiet gifted in their sight I need a little light just to illuminate the night. The flames in my hell dwindled down and now they don't burn as bright.
Looking for some kind of solace perhaps salvation a world shaking transformation not a simulation but a completely new creation. I may need some confirmation. Indeed I need more information. My patience is short supplied awake sitting on my bed entirely wide eyed everything almost dead inside. Where good and evil were never meant to coincide no one left in which I care to confide my all too frequent thoughts of siuicide. I pray God let's all these transgressions slide die or ride ride the pride right on through to the other side. I am so ready to go back but not to what it was, I can do this much for my cuz just because.
Not like it was before now with myself I'm not so much waging war. I got used to guts glory and gore. More than that I fear losing sight of what I'm fighting for. Cracks in my moral code buried deep inside my very core.  God opens a window when he slams a door. To the heavens above I implore. I know I can handle whatever date destiny has in store. With every word myself  my soul I outpour. I'm not even sure what to do anymore
The personality I display is not the person I am trying to portray but the person the beasts I conjure continuously betray. Life ful of so much discord and everything is in such disarray cover the stench of decay with deaths bouquet. While like a burning out flame I flicker like I will soon fade away it's all so **** cliche cannot seem to forever hold these demons at bay always it does not matter what I say it is just the same old **** on a different day. No one last listens to me anyway. To prevail I'll have to somehow find another way. Until then I will just breathe and pray. Fatal feelings emotions raw and bare auditory hallucinations wondering if anyone here right now is even really there. There is not another hell that could ever  seem to compare. Spill my secrets I will not dare awake still haunted by my latest nightmares but who the **** cares. might ought to beware when my temper begins to flare I am all about the opportunity and the air. The dead do not seemingly just stare. The hurt is something I don't care to share as I sink into the depths of my very despair. Apparently I am losing bits of myself everywhere.
Near tainted moonlight does not shine into the room there's nothing cutting though this gloom crushed under the weight of the pending doom. Sealing the room like a concrete tomb. Prior activities I assume are safe to resume. Sweat and *** hang thick in the air like a new perfume. Colorful like a peacock's plume don't inhale the solvents toxic fumes the end may be coming all too soon  silvered underneath the eclipse of a neon moon all red assed like a **** baboon acting like some dumb ******* Buffon higher than a **** balloon all drawn out animated like a **** cartoon. It's is all surreal. I can't describe what I even feel spinning around til I start feeling ill the wounds I forever carry never seem to heal. What's the ******* deal If you ask me the whole ordeal is losing it's appeal so please Someone remind me what is even ******* real. the true me I must conceal.
Three parts already dead twisted thoughts run rampant inside of my head. Addiction thoughout my family this disease is widespread. Decency I probably don't have a single shred.
I may continue to stick with just what I know. Rocking this **** bowl. Slowly again losing control. Impossible to console the colder I get the older I grow. Vast hole in my dark desolate soul places I often travel to even angels fear to go shadows pull at me from somewhere down below. I'm more concerned with finding my blow so incomplete how could I ever feel whole.
These drugs that I abuse this ****** up way of life I chose. It's all just an excuse a crutch I use. I once had completely  different views but now it's all usually just more bad news memories I confuse I am better off wheny demons turn me loose.
So much that I have lost will one day be found. Nothing and no one can continue to hold me down I'm going to turn it all around. Come back up from the very ground. No more white noise for me to drown blaring in stereo surround sound. To the ties that bind by blood I am bound. Ambitions guarded by this nefarious hellhound. Myself I still somehow astound thought rather profound.
I am not Silver I'm Tarnished her evil ******* twin another washed  up has been stuck inside the costume I wore way back when. Headed right around the bend being serenaded by the wind. Notify my next of kin that I am heading for the ****** bin for attempt to slay the beast with just a bobby pin. Uncomfortable in my own skin sitting here in a world of make believe and pretend.

Here I sit getting ****** taking every hit straight to the dome feeling alone right here in the house I sometimes wish was more of a home.we all go off and do things on our own lost inside the zone higher than a drone. Feelings I wish to numb still smoking until I am dumb never getting nothing done because I am always spun would I really die tired if from myself attempt to run. I think I am almost ******* done the amount of drugs I desire is none. I want things to go back to the way we're before this ever ******* begun.
I confess that I am indeed a mess I sometimes suppress the things in which I don't not wish to obsess under a lot of duress still there are issues I probably should address I love now as l used to hate with all I possess it's all a ******* process I'm in distress the truth I congest is hard to digest mess with the best might as well die like the rest
In my chest my heart beating sporadic because still I suffer as an addict thoughts turning erratic the facts ******* fantastic I for years was still so enthusiastic enchanted by the magic that turned into a fanatic head full of static all so tragic dramatic was so **** drastic completely automatic
My addiction isn't at all fiction it's in fact the friction that burns to the affliction chaos and catastrophe due for a collusion I long for a different vision under new conditions a brand new mission stand against those that try to beat me into submission praying for a new family tradition a life shaking transition no more stupid superstations we all have our suspicions My advice is when temptation entices us with our favored vices is power down all devices think about the unpaid prices the sacrifices the **** never suffices
Chasing smoke clouds and spirits though I don't know why constantly seeking that first high life based an a fantastic lie. Epically I did fail no matter how hard I did try. No iron clad alibi no tears fall from my eye I've lost the ability to even cry not many left on which I can rely on the emotions they amplify whiskey washing down the rye it perhaps a good day to die is it hello again or good bye

So far the pen mightier than a stainless steel sharpened blade I'm shaking but unafraid I may not make it out of this integrity intact unscathed instead of being good at it I'll settle just to behave soul I cannot save chilling on my own ******* grave fine line between being stupid and being brave. I can't lose it all with the all that I gave.

Heavy on my mind all these thoughts have weighed.
  Instead of being good just try to behave.
Life is really just a ******* charade
Everyone always trying to throw shade.
Randomly the memories just invade
as I am attempting to evade.
It's here that I cannot be swayed
for every lost soul I have Prayed.
I continue to masquerade
as down my face the tears cascade.
Listening on!y to the wind deep in its seranade.
I travel on this my own escapade,
probably my final crusade.
I have never been ***** made.
I remain unafraid.
I'm a ******* renegade.
I hope all my transgressions I hope have been forgave.
I may be a sinner faithless but I am washed in the blood of Jesus so I'm someone you cannot enslave. It's still a hand that has been well played.

Cold chills run up and down my spine like someone is a walking on my grave.
Me from myself can someone attempt to ******* save.
This dirt road I took it on myself to just have it paved. Far from it's beaten path I have strayed.
My hero's for ghosts I really did trade.
I think perhaps my welcome I have over stayed.
There is still blood staining my switchblade.
To pitch black I'm here just trying to fade
Every year that passes feels like it has been a decade. By the creatures that I conjured I have been betrayed. Covering the  stench is death's bouquet.
I can still smell the corpses as they decay.
No one listens to me anyway.
Every other sentence so cliche.  
Falling from the sky mayday mayday, mother ******* daymay.
I refuse to put myself on display.
Like a flame burning out I flicker til I am blown away.

Thick clouds I tend to blow for I just keep smoking strong.
I am trying to just keep moving on.
The person I used to be, She is long
gone.
Searching out the place she might feel like finally she does belong.
Rather it been right or just plan wrong
Up all ******* night long
I stare off into nothing just ripping the ****.
Grass always greener  when it is Someone else 's lawn.
Brains over brawn.
I have gave chase to what I think could have been a supernatural phenomenon.
Someone help me catch this ******* leprechaun.

I have been through so ******* much that I still I am writhing in ******* pain.
Mere words alone just could never truly explain.  
The sorrow that not even both my heart and soul can seem to contain.
Every word I utter drips with much disdain.
It's really quiet a **** shame.
Not one single things every remains the same.
I often find the thoughts so inhumane
are usually the ones I attempting to entertain.
I talk to spirits that exist in a completely different plane.
I am not sane going crazy I  am only crazy when I go sane.
A rose that you call by another name  emits a fragrance just the same
Hazel -Green eyes can't even cry in the ******* rain. Twisted thoughts keep rattling around in brain.
It's so hard for me to try and maintain
unless I have Mary Jane.
**** it Cuz. I still ******* you Billy Wayne.

The calamity of the chaos is in very creation.
These drugs I use for everyday recreation.
I get the highest in the lowest location.
I have no idea how far away is my destination
I don't even have a rough ******* estimation
How quickly begins the so called escalation
When It is already a dangerous situation
I have prayed for a life changing transformation
Instead of the possibility of eternal damnation
I'm currently actively seeking solace as well as salvation

A cause that was somehow better off being lost you see
The only person that I actually aspire to be is just me
I m not sure that I have become just who I am suppose to be
That's just part of this so-called  broken ******* mentality
That has led the way to my very distorted sense of reality
Placing all these principles before such varied personalities
How could I create such a travesty and tragically
Throw a ******* from a balcony so ******* casually
Callously creating another casualty. A ******* brutality
It's another ******* fatality  that has become an actuality

On empty today runs my so called devotion,
even if my emotions are still quite deeper than the ocean.
I guess I was basically chosen
in this moment I was chosen
to be frozen.
Into my very soul
my greatest love has been interwoven.
who knows me better than I do ?
The answer is suppose to be not one.
One slip of the tongue could leave me completely undone.
The insanity of it all has already begun.
I am so ******* spun.
I leave everyone on stun.
I keep on repeating my mistakes like I am a ******* rerun.
I reinforce my rules with my shotgun.
You can not ******* fix me because believe it or not I am not that kind of broken.
My inner beast has already been awoken.
I am waiting on the implosion
that's going to break me wide open.
Everything else from me has been stolen
I guess I will go see what's up with all this commotion I  stepped outside and I went into a convulsions
the fire burned from several white hot explosions.
**** that I had almost forgotten that quite fatal are my ******* emotions

I remember well when I learned that  it doesn't lessen the pain if you allow the tears to fall since then it has been almost 20 years and I now seldomnly do I cry at all.  im a perfect  **** up  that's  perfectly ****** up  and I fall right back into yesterday but I was ****** up then too so it's quite okay.

desperately I am seeking solace and salvation. I need to be released from this Hell of my own creation. I tried to take step back so could assess the situation. I know that I'm seeking life changing transformation although I cannot offer any kind of explanation.

I haven't yet quite forgotten that I am indeed a bad *****.
I don't ******* like it when I have to flip that switch
I pray it all goes off without a ******* hitch.
**** sure don't need to be trapped inside of another ******* glitch.

I was taught better than the way I sometimes react  truthfully in fact
against me all the odds have been stacked II brace myself for the impact. Praying I will come out of this unscathed  integrity intact I
things aren't quite what I am used to but I'll adapt. Even if I almost snapped
when I realized I was being ******* laughed at.  
I no l longer have to live like  that.
I have no reservations about ******* fighting back


The things that once I did actively pursue  now are what gives me chase
Uthey catch up so quickly it's like I am running in place. I am always falling so **** far from this side of that saving grace that i am constantly just trying to save face.

A sinner faithless trapped in a time that is fadeless God he is so gracious even when we have been  side stepping our destined greatness thankful  to still be in his good  graces. With the ghosts  for the heroes I traded I could be trading places

Painted faces
Vacant spaces
Fatal cases
Faded pages
Lost hope
Exhaust smoke
glass bowl
or whole
Flowers grow
powers flow
Hours ago      
Our soul
Family's position
Family decision
Family's addiction
Family tradition

Truth be known it will probably be from the cradle to the grave before it's all said and done. Either way I am telling you straight that I am not the ******* one. Issues I have a ******* ton. Yet I have just barely begun. I am not better than anyone and better than me there is none. My light won't shine any brighter if I was to ***** out your flame. To try and destroy others is not my game. I am not sane going crazy, I am only crazy when I go sane. The details now are getting more difficult for me to retain. I am broken beautifully and controlled by what's left of my left -sided brain. Who the **** am I too ******* complain.  My turmoil and tranquility mix just like my pleasure and my pain.
From my tragic skies I am falling freely
Or is it freely falling the nefarious shadows are calling
These spirits are stalling
From these drugs I am withdrawing
Once again that inevitable has been delayed. As the creatures I conjure, they betray. Night terrors rock me in the middle of the day leaving me speechless I have nothing left up to say
Instead of being good at it I'll  at least try to behave what I'm feeling is not to  be displayed.
Listening quietly to the wind serenade think I might have incited a a ******* riot. For the voices In my head have gone quiet.
Go  On I dare you to try it don't dare deny it. Someone's coming lie hid
Til the flames are ignited. **** I think that I'm getting excited I am **** near delighted  my wrongs now about to be righted expedited apart we are divided together we stand United
Let someone come in uninvited and **** will get a little one sided
Oh wait all of this is contained in my brain
In all reality I'm pushing through the pain it's enough to drive a sane person crazy and a crazy person sane. I don't have blue eyes so I am not a blue eyed ***** crying in the rain. I am explicit and profane. I talk to these spirits from a totally different plane it's hard to explain when the thoughts are just rattling around inside my brain
I am still here unscathed integrity intact  how did I do this that in fact chaos and calamity I attract I'm a **** magnet to be exact braced myself for the impact
A life changing transformation  
Once Beautifully broken now a recreation grand All done by God's hand.  All along he must have had it planned. Now I think I'm beginning to understand.
It's his will not mine, mine gets me into an escalating situation every time. To error is human to forgive devine. What was lost in me he did find
Today I stop to just breathe and pray
It's actually a much better way. I do finally believe that I'm going to be okay. I flickered like a flame going out but I wasn't blown away.

All the **** I spout I can't help it sometimes it just comes out.
The explicit lyrics lines and rhymes come from the recess of a disturbed mind. One no doubt demented  permanently. I mean all the time I am perverse just as I am twisted tangled my bare emotions were raw they've been ******* mangled my reach had been kind of angled short of ******* breath I feel like I've been strangled come on now why the ******* trying to judge me like you are one without baby without
any sin. You have no idea what kind of person I am within. One that's always been uncomfortable in her own skin. You don't know where I've been, the places I've visited to from time to time to  time again
This is where it did  all ******* begin To ******* paper I put this
Pen. Outpouring the very depths of my emotions  I am here just going through the motions white hot  flames from  my hell give way to an explosion.  I wish there was at  least one thing to break me wide open.  I promise it wasn't on impulse I didn't even try to think it through. Clearly  reading intent even in text  messages is something I've just become used to. I really dislike all the guys that end up walking around like they're brand new. If you give me a few minutes maybe I can  change your point of view. You seem to think I need help, well of course you do, you seem to think there's something special about you.  If you're expecting Mercy I haven't had a shred. For  awhile ive been walking around like Im already 3 parts dead off of this yellow brick road I began to wander towards the wild blue younder. Absence makes the heart that much fonder. Deep thoughts heavily I ponder.
You and I are not quite the same you are sane going crazy while I crazy going sane. We both have different ways of  processing pain right down to the kind of thoughts we entertain
We don't  even know the same kind  songs we have difference's in rights and wrongs.  We are just as different as day and night. You're as sober as a judge I'm higher than a kite.
We have different fears different things that bring us  joy. We even have  different techniques we tend to employ.  I would rather save you would rather destroy. There's no doubt a difference in the lives we've lived and probably in how we'll eventually die. We do not have to  see eye to eye  to be friends we don't have to the same. So if you want I am down if you're game

All night Ive Just been sitting
here as I blow smoke. I must be a **** comedian  because my life is a joke. My obvious intention is to get ****** up. I am getting closer to self destruct I am just as cold as I am corrupt.  I for a minute lost myself in a blur as I was starting to flicker and fade
Instead of my light dying on it  has stayed. Far from my saving Grace I've strayed. Leading the ghosts I got for the heroes I have decided to trade. Hand well ******* played. I remain unafraid I don't have to sit here and throw shade. This is probably my last escapade. My last ******* crusade. I am a ******* renegade
That can not be ******* saved.
From my intentions I won't be swayed
Once again that enievidable has been delayed.
As the creatures conjure me they betray.
Night terrors rock me in the middle of the day I'm speechless I have nothing left to say
Instead of being good at it I'll only try to behave
what I'm feeling is not to  be displayed.
Listening quietly to the wind serenade.
Thinking back on all the mistakes I have made
The pen mightier than a sharpened stainless steel blade.
Life is still just a ******* cherade. That we've all played. There's a fine line between stupidly and being brave. You can't be the hero if you end up being laid in your grave. To living and dying by the sword you've become a slave. Washed in a ******* tidal wave. I have freely given all I have gave. Now is the perfect time for me to just ******* fade to black
I don't plan on ever ******* come back. That's not brag that's just fact.
Sick of all the chaos that I attract. Even if I am rather in apt I know that there's no doubt I will soon. Adapt.  Here we go again I am starting to feel ******* trapped. Like against me all odds have been stacked. From all angles now I think I am  being attacked. I have to make it out unscathed integrity still intact.
I hear music playing in the background even when the radio isnt on. That probably means that inside my head that something is quite wrong. I just noticed it because I have been this way so **** long. Trying to force myself to belong. Blowing thick clouds as I smoke strong. It's impossible for me to truly move on because I am already ******* gone. I evaporated along with the smoke from the ****. Like the music I always hear in the background I'll play on .

Beats my heart sporadically inside my chest
I know what and how I feel but mere words could never express
I am sick of this seemingly lack of happiness. Peace is just a fabled myth. If it's me you ask for all these years I've sought after it like it was an easy task.
Days seem to go by in a flash.
The beautiful pain burning down til nothing is left but ash.
As the dawn begins to slowly fade like the shadows from the night.
It's entirely possible that my eyes just aren't quite right
I have been gifted with a blessing, a curse of a different kind of sight.
That knows no bounds, no dark, no light
It sees all time both fast forward and behind. Sometimes I think I would rather be blind.
Being separated from these ties that bind
Have me searching for the comfort that very seldom I find. I travel far enough outside of my own mind.
These memories that soon fade into images dark disappearing fast
Were not meant to ******* forever last it does remind us of our past
where it wounds our souls so vast
Such pain we never could have seen in our forecast.
Sometimes my loved ones that are already on the other side tempt me to ride. Ride the pride.
I am hoping God let's all of these transgressions slide.
I try to take it all in great stride.
I struggle to push it all aside
For sometime now I have wanted to reclaim the tears I have cried.
I especially failed although I tried it to no avail.
In vain and desperation I find myself turning in full circles on this carousel.
Until I start to feel rather unwell. To be forever trapped in ones head is a special kind of hell
I want to think I am more than a throwed off character in a disturbing fairy tale. I hate when all the smoke in the room grows stale
Ask me no **** questions and no lies will I sell.
Thick clouds I blow because in fact I smoke strong
I've been standing at this impasse way too **** long
One day I'll figure out exactly where I belong staring off into nothing as I continue to hit the ****.
The person that I once was is now gone.
Perhaps one I'll get something right instead of doing it all wrong
A new rhythm a different melody, another tune
That reminds me that indeed somewhere out there is a neon moon. I go Stark raving mad and start laughing like a ****** toon
It feels like I'm being crushed under the weight of the pending doom
That has me completely closed in inside of the room
So that it is almost as dark as a tomb.
There are no rays of tainted light to cut through the gloom.
Randomly little pieces of myself are beginning to disappear so while looking out windows clear
I wonder if anyone that is there is even really here
The words that I write couldn't be more sincere I hold on tightly to the things I cherish and those that I hold dear.
Hold my throttle, Hold my beer, Hold my sorrow, hold my fear.
Hold me close as I hold you near.
Days often fly by like minutes and sometimes minutes drag on for what feels like days.
Not one of us is perfect we are all set in our own ways. I think I somehow I
fell right into the craze
I find myself reeling in a fantastic daze
Head up in the clouds of a purple haze
This is no passing phase. Silver tongued I can easily coin a phrase.
So often my chosen path leads me astray. The YouTube song list just blares away stuck on replay
As is soothes the savage beast that currently I'm trying to hold at bay.
Every other sentence I write sounds at least to me so cliche
It doesn't matter though no one listens to me anyway
I would much rather rule the night than seize the day.
Every word that is softly utter drips with so much disdain. It would do no **** the good for me to complain.
In this hell of my own creation I am destined to remain
These shadows truly seem like they contain
The more nortious bits of me that are often quite ****** and profane
My world will never again feel the same
Not since I lost my cousin Billy Wayne. To say the least that is a **** shame. Rather it's another Dimension or a different plane
I am here just writhing in the pain. It leaves me often as start to entertain these thoughts so **** inhumane. It's not an action that I could even explain. It all rattles around loudly inside my brain. I am not sane going crazy I am only crazy when I go sane. I thank God for this Mary Jane I have wrapped in cellophane.
A rose that you call by another name is just as sweet for it smells the same
Sometimes I wonder if I am really fine when talking to inanimate objects myself I often find
They say to error is human but to forgive is divine.
I believe that with this whole heart of mine.
I push down so **** deep all of this emotion
Pushing it deeper than the deepest ocean
Truly alive now where at one time I was just going through the motion.
What's going on there seems to be a lot of commotion
It's like somehow I was the one that was chosen. in a Single moment I was frozen
our destiny's are already woven
That sent a spark that triggered the implosions
That have broken me wide open
Sometimes I think that all of  us human are bound to make mistake after mistake
In my very ******* wake I leave everything on completely devastate
Especially as of late I have no doubt these problems of mine I alone create.
More often than not it's when I am not thinking straight and I am unable to concentrate
Life is what I complicate when these evil thoughts I contemplate
Feelings go ignored unable to regulate
The voices inside of head spark a debate
As their meetings I facilitate
I hate to hurry up just so that I can wait
I can't help but to ******* self medicate
Isn't addiction just great
When the voices I hear in my head adopt plans of homicide them I must exonerate
I try at least to keep them half *** on sedate
I'm a **** up you're **** straight
I've made a mess of my mental state
I don't wish to repeat my history
I have more than enough pain and misery
If just someone could save myself from me
Save myself from me and set me ******* free
There are so many things I  knowingly suppress
Still quite a few issues that I need to address
I just don't want to end up beginning to obsess digging in deep inside of my brains recess until I finally just ******* regress
Another world I see when I look towards the wild blue yonder as off this yellow brick road I begin to wander
There are deep thoughts I often ponder
Absence makes the heart grow fonder
I don't know what else I should say perhaps I've already said it all
Hopefully I will be able to stand tall perhaps if I move I will not falter nor will I fall. I just pray that this time I don't end up losing my mind in the bathroom stall of some forgotten yet rather ungodly hall
I strive to do better, to be more, to keep in sight what I am fighting for
Reminding myself as well as others that God opens a window when he closes a door.
I have no doubt I can feel it deep down inside my very core
We all wonder sometimes what kind of fate Destiny has in store
To God in heaven I implore
Please I can't handle going through anything painful anymore
Just like I am standing still time passes me right by
That is when I'm in desperate need of iron clad alibi
Some sort of fabricated fiction or even a down right lie
Would be better than saying I was out somewhere climbing higher to get myself high
Forever chasing smoke clouds and spirits but I don't know why
With all of my sin
I must contend
Not giving up but pushing on until the end. I hope that when I blowing in the rising wind I don't break that I just bend
Family decision we all have a different vision
All of us diseased by some sort of addiction
This woebegone tale is fact Instead of fiction
In fact it appears to be a family tradition
I myself am on another mission
To rewrite our story a drug free edition.
I am done I've said just about all I care to say tonight
My soul I truly did outpour with every word that I did write
Finally dwindling down the flames burning in my hell aren't so bright, they only slightly illuminate the night. I am higher than a ******* kite but that is quite alright for it is time for bed sweet dreams and good night don't let the bed bugs bite.

I was born with a lyrical mind
All of the **** time
I write **** out in lines, Lyrics and rhymes
Someone like me would **** sure be hard to find
For I am sick, twisted and one of a kind
I have a lot of issues, I wish I could just leave behind
We already know time is not something that we can rewind
My character was assassinated now I'm hard to define
**** this unhealthy lifestyle of mine

This **** fairytale
Is demented as hell
I turn full circles on the carousel  
Until I start feeling rather unwell
Hoping I don't fall into these worlds somehow parallel
I really tried but to no **** avail
I would have to say that's an epic fail
My mind has been a prison that for so long kept me well
To spend 24/7 in your head is a special kind of hell
Inside of the nefarious demons dwell
Ask me no questions and no lies will I sell

I ride across the desert but unlike the horse I have no name
A rose called something else would smell just the same
I admit mere words alone could never begin to explain
This strange rattling I hear inside my brain
I'm not sane going crazy because I'm only crazy when I go sane
I am just here writhing in all of this pain
Rather I'm in a different dimension or just on another plane
It doesn't matter because nothing feels like its the same
Ain't that just a ****** shame
These **** thoughts that a pretty much inhumane
Are sometimes all I seem to ever entertain
**** It I miss you more and more everyday Billy Wayne

I am just a **** up getting ****** up to **** up I am rather inclined
I guess that's just the way that fate has always had it designed
I keep traveling outside the parameters of my own **** mind
Searching for something I will probably never ******* find
in the sinister darkness I find myself strolling blind
looking for the path to which I have been assigned
These memories of mine serve to remind
That bound by blood I am to these ties that bind

I blow out thick clouds, I smoke strong
It seems to sometimes help, e to just carry on
Especially when at this impasse I have stood way too **** long
Staring Off into the the nothing pretending that nothing is wrong
Just steadily hitting the **** ****
wondering where it is that I ******* belong
Whoever I once was that person is now long gone
LIke a **** cartoon I have been ******* drawn
Just chilling wide awake in the wee hours before dawn
Inside of myself I have almost completely withdrawn

Most of the **** time I am no doubt higher than a kite
Still mess with me and I'll cut you from ******* to appetite
They have always said that my eyes just aren't quite right
The hurt in my soul I pour out with every word that I write
The White Hot flames in my hell **** sure burn bright
As I hide my self away in the shadows of the darkest part of the night
You cannot take me down at least not without a hell of a fight

I am a hermit, I am a recluse
This **** drug abuse
Is just a crutch that I use
Neck in the ******* noose'
What's good for the gander
Is good for the goose
Wish these demons would just turn me loose
Like a time bomb that someone needs to diffuse
I have somewhat gone right back to my ******* roots
For the **** that I have done I have no **** excuse
SO before you wage war on me can we call a truce
Or would you just ******* refuse

Inside good and evil seem to coincide
I'm out reclaiming all those tears that I have cried
Trying the best I can to take it all in stride
It's myself that I always seem to be beside'
The real me I tend to always ******* hide
I'm someone's ride or die that dying to ride
I want to ride the ******* pride
please Dear God let these transgressions slide
So I can see my Cuz on the other ******* side
I know I failed but I really ******* tried
My tragedies and catastrophes seem to just collide
my patience is rather short supplied
There's very few left in which I feel I could ever confide'

Like shards of shattered glass rain down these torn bits of my soul
Colder and more corrupt I am the older that I grow
So incomplete now that I couldn't ever again feel whole
I am spiraling fast right out of ******* control
As for awhile now I have been impossible to console
Trying to soothe my savage beast with loud rock and roll
This pain inside of me is something I can't seem to let go
Falling straight down into another ******* rabbit hole
I find comfort in rocking this ****** bowl

Hole inside of my soul that nothing and no one could ever fill
I am nothing if I am not at least attempting to be ******* real
Even though I self medicate and numb what I don't want to feel
Will the wounds that I seem to forever carry ever begin to heal
Everything surrounding me always seems so **** surreal
My best kept secrets never would I ever dare to spill
Before God in prayer I continue to kneel
Fountain pen still mightier than stainless blades of sharpened steel
I do my very best never to even begin to reveal
All the pain that I desperately try just to conceal
I personally just do not seem the whole appeal
I think perhaps I have gotten the short end of this raw deal
Now I am standing here feeling rather ******* ill

A mess I have made of my whole **** life, What a waste'
Maybe I am just that a waste of ******* space
The cold emptiness is something I am attempting to embrace
For every time I fall so far from this side of saving grace
I end up just trying to somehow just save face
Stuck right here in this pythons place
Where things I used to pursue now gives ******* chase
Catching up to me so quickly It's like I am standing in place
What have I become? How could I be such a **** disgrace
There memories I cherish that I can never ever seem to replace
All of these mistakes that I have made that I just cannot erase

I am just a sinner that has in fact been rather faithless
Running though time that is for a fact completely fadeless
I am running from the ghosts I got for Heroes traded that are now faceless
Even when it has been proven I have side stepped destined greatness
I am thankful that God Remains so gracious
Our sins seem to just enslave us
From ourselves there is no one out that can save us
I am not at all one of those that are courageous
My valor isn't one of those that have been seen as contagious
I am just part of the bloodstained spaces of this forsaken oasis

In-laws outlaw's crooks not a one of us straight.
We are the ties that bind that's how we all relate.
Do you really need me to demonstrate.
All of our own problems we tend to create.
It's pretty  much our ******* fate. Quietly we contemplate
things that are unchecked and hard for us to regulate.
In our own wake
we leave everything on completely devastate.  
As our situations we continue to simply complicate.
Always the chaos it does tend to elevate
It's  getting harder and harder for me to concentrate
At least it has been as of ******* late  Isn't addiction just ******* great. Please go on and tell me I'm dying to know just how I rate.
Here is my attempt at trying to educate
all my life I did self medicate
so these feelings I could eradicate. If there are any murders you can bet I did so  meditate.
Before I ended up going ahead with the plan to premeditate.
Maybe this is something for you that I can illustrate.
The meeting of the voices in my head I facilitate.
Their murderous ideas I exonerate. That usually  sparks a huge debate. Sometimes like  ticking time bombs these voices prepare to detonate
we do not have enough religion to promote love we have just enough to hold on to hate.
The darkness inside of me I try to illuminate.
I hate to hurry up just so that I can wait.
My ego maybe I should deflate. There are things that to me they  simply irritate.
I dislike being in a state of aggravate my most cherished memories I somehow desecrate.
Myself to a cause I can't seem to dedicate
I probably have too much on my plate
more drama I do not to generate.  Ideas from the days that have already passed I reinstate.
A **** up indeed I am to this very date.

I am trying to be all I can be, all I can be is just simply me. A person so blinded by the light that they just can not see.
All my live long days I have longed to just be free.
I know that the coming of tomorrow holds no guarantee.
I bid a fond farewell to thee.
As to God in heaven I make an urgent plea
while in prayer on bended knee.
I'm getting rather tired of this fractured sense of reality.
I am inclined to violently throw a ******* from this balcony
Is it not just an absolute travesty
that I can so **** tragically
yet quite ******* callously
so *******  casually
create a **** causilty.
Isn't that a hell of a brutality. Principals before personalities
**** all the legalities.
Don't you know that these so called abnormalities
are just  formalities.
You know technicalities
some of the more traditional hospitalities
lay in wait that the eventualities
will soon give way to the  whimsicality  
of such immoralities.

In other words there are many secrets and bodies hidden in the cracks of my very moral  code. Harley crunching gravel on this old dirt road
it's time for me to lock and ******* load
ready I am to ******* explode
my story has already been pretty much been told
like laundry I know when I need to fold.
All that glitters is definitely not ******* gold.
Out of all the questions you've asked me guess how many lies I have sold. When God made me he broke the mold.
the power I have invested in myself I now behold
if we never slow the **** down then perhaps we won't ever ******* grow old.
My ride or die has already died as he rode.
I am not one easily controlled.
I am not at all  outspoken not even close to being bold
but the older I grow I am that much more corrupt I am in fact cold.
I'm off my rocker I'm in fact throwed reaping whatever I have sowed
Only ******* taking what I am actually owed.

Thick clouds I blow just because I tend to smoke pretty strong
Just like you I'm looking for the place I am meant to belong.
I am trying to keep moving right along
but at this impasse I've stood way too long
up all night staring into the Nothing while I am hitting the ****
Whoever I used to be she's already long gone
I'm animated like a cartoon I am ******* drawn
Brains over ******* brawn
I never go down before at least thr break of dawn
I'm so **** high I think I just saw a leprechaun
Would that not be some kind of supernatural phenomenon

I have to admit that I shive a ghit nor do I ******* give a ******* ****
Not in the least little ******* bit
Whatever I have going on I am trying to rise above it
Here in this **** parking lot I ******* sit
Wouldn't you ******* know I am **** sure lit
I doubt that i will ever really ******* quit
I am not a hypocrite
Nor am I counterfeit
I won't tell you not to do as I do while I am taking a hit.
Why is it this life that seems to be only fit.

Right out of my fabricated skies, I have a bird's eye view.
If I was ever to be a shining example it would be a lesson in what not to do
What the right way is I can honestly say I haven't a clue
I'm just going to continue to do what I am used to
Then when I get the to fire I'll just walk right through
Surprisingly enough the times I've ended up getting burned are very few
In indelible ink your book has been written. just as in blood mine has thus far been penned
From the very beginning to where it will someday finally end
Words I have whispered have been carried off by the rising wind There have a few people I once met that I never heard From again
You tell me is that an epic fail or a solid win
I really do not know I guess it would just depend
I have lost myself somewhere in this world of make believe and pretend
It's so much better than the broken reality I once lived in
With these demons of mine I must contend
Before I break I.just wonder just how much I can actually bend
The room is perfumes with the scents of sweat *** and
sin
Way down deep I hide this pain within

Now is the time I may need someone to be an iron clad alibi
Rather they spin a fabricated work of fiction or tell a down right lie
I'm sure it sounds better than I was out climbing higher just to get myself high
I am here still chasing smoke clouds and spirits yet I don't know why
I keep trying to separate me from myself and I
I tried to go back and reclaim every tear I did once cry
Never once could  I ever get passed the by and by
Cuz I swear when you passed a part of my soul did actually die
High as **** through these tragic skies I fly

I tried not shed  not one more tear but the grief the sadness and the pain combined sent me a message that was all too clear
In these Windows bare tainted moonlight shines is anyone that a there right now even really here.
Hey hold my throttle, hold my beer
So for just one more moment I can hold close as those I hold dear.
I wonder is the end really drawing near.
I ******* miss you cuz
These words I write have never been so sincere
I must be losing my mind bits of me are starting to disappear
It feels like it's been at least a decade since the passing of yesteryear
I have pretty much made it my career
To sit here until the dust settles and the smoke begins to clear
This whole **** time I've as here in low -gear
Guarding this premiere of wayward life on this forgotten frontier
If I was truly a long lived Pioneer
Easily I would persevere
I would ride though quite sincere
Warning others like a modern  day Paul revere

The dead do not see they just seemingly seem to stare
The secrets that I harbor to ever seem  Spill I will not dare.
emotions that are just as raw as they are bare
Feelings i do not care to share
I don't have a minute that I can even spare
My heart is sinking into the depths of my very despair
The pain I feel there is nothing that can compare
I  could burn the whole world down with a solid flare
I know the places I have been but the places I will go I don't know where
Tension  is so thick in the air
I can't hear anything but the music blare.
Even though I am wide awake I fall into nightmare
Nefarious shadows seem to be lurking everywhere
of these dangers please try to be aware

Thick clouds of smoke I blow because I tend to smoke rather strong
So rather this be right or this be ******* wrong
Awake I have been  all night long
Just staring off into the nothing hitting the ****
This seems to be the place that I actually belong
I have tried my **** best just to move on
I hate to admit it but the person I used to be, She's long gone
She left right  before the break of dawn
Inside of herself she had already withdrawn
The greenest of all grass is usually someone else's lawn
Here I am. I am just rambling on and on
Off into the wild blue yonder I wander when l stepped off of the yellow brick road
They say if you never slow down  you'll never grow old
I guess I am ready it is time to *******  lock and load
Like laundry I know when to fold
The older I grow end up just much more corrupt  I am cold
If you hadnt asked me any questions no lies would I have sold
the bombs in my head simultaneously explode
I have come to a crossroad
p time in this earth is just in fact borrowed
The sinister darkness it does seem to forbode
Around the lost souls I have quietly tiptoed
Teetering on the very brink of psychotic episode
Cracks big enough to hide bodies in are in my moral code
I will reap just what I have already  sowed
my mind is already on complete overload
No one has to tell me I already know that I am thrower
I went straight off into beast mode
Everything about me is completely uncontrolled
Into the dark dead night So alone I've stro!let
My location  undisclosed
Corpses of mine enemies are starting to decompose
I suppose that's just the way that it goes
Who really ******* knows
I have been indisposed I am no doubt unopposed
Yes I really am one of those
Awake for days on end now I am starting to doze.
I've got places I need to go
Buzzing off of these highs and lows
Please no more tells of woe.
Let's just listen to rock and roll
While we rock the bowl

leaving some of us wishing that we were dead.
some slivers of images that have come to pass
flying by, haunting for they never seem to last
Teardrops fall full of so much pain
masquerading as unpredicted rain.
like shattered glass rain down torn bits of my soul
The comfort I have found comes from rocking this bowl

My heart is beating inside my chest so sporadically,
my thoughts are twisting up quite erratically
Who knew that my life would be affected so dramatically.
it was almost ******* automatically.
Everything  progressed so drastically.
I did everything that I did quite savagely.
It was all turning out fantastically.  
who knew my story would be so poetic tragically.
Did you know I was a walking talking catastrophe.
so of course There a parts of my life quite unsatisfactory

Confusion sets in
where to begin
uncomfortable in own skin
Buried deep within
scent of *** and sin
Cannot let them in
will never let them win
Insanity over again
beginning of the end

Transport me to a better place
Where tears no longer run down my face
Where the cuts on my wrist, do not bleed
Where my tortured soul can finally be freed

Take me to this place, it's only in my mind
It's the only place, I can leave it all behind

Comfort me, when everything is going wrong
Hold my hand, for I feel I do not belong
Walk with me as I speak the truth, plain and cold
Listen while i tell secrets that should not be told

Take me to this place, it's only in my mind
It's the only place, I can leave it all behind

Do not shed a tear, when I speak of abuse
You can not save me, so there is no use
Allow me to grieve in my own way
Let me be silent when I have nothing to say

Take me to this place, it's only in my mind
It's the only place, I can leave it all behind

Call a man of God to hear my prayer
Promise me that you'll always be there
Hear me confess my every living sin
As I slowly die from the outside in

Take me to this place, it's only in my mind
It's the only place, I can leave it all behind

Close me inside my coffin tight
So I won't be woke by the morning light
Keep me in your heart and in your memory
Please just let be finally be free

Take me to this place, it's only in my mind
It's the only place, I can leave it all behind

Only
Only in my mind
I can actually leave the past behind
For what I have long since been searching for I finally find this time
Only
Only in my mind
I don't feel the need for time to rewind.
There are no memories here ready to remind. By blood I have already bound to all the ties that did bind.
Only
Only in my mind
Could this fantasy world have ever been designed. To this parallel universe I must find a way to get reassigned.
Only
If only
Only in my mind

Woefully tragic and that ****** up ****
I don't have to like my past and I don't not even a little ******* bit
Maybe one I'll ******* get over it
Until then I don't even give a ****
To the dome I take every hit
Attempting to get ******* lit
Doubt I'll ever ******* quit
These are the puzzle pieces that just seem to fit
I am not someone that's easy to forget alone in this darkness I intend to sit
at least I am not a ******* hypocrite
nor am I counterfeit
My wrist I have contemplated attempting to slit
when at the end of my very wit

Crazy thoughts run through my mind
of times that I thought I'd left behind
but bound I am by blood to these ties that bind
time isn't something that I can rewind
i travel outside the parameters of my mind searching for something I'll never find

I follow the shadows just as still as they are dark
constantly stabbing myself with jagged bits of my broken heart
So easy it is for me to fall completely apart
It's been that way from the very start

Bombarded by the memories that were not meant to last
as time passes by me so **** fast
A hole in my soul that's so **** vast
a tragic ending I can't seem to ever get passed.

Mindful that words can cut like a knife
why do I insist on living this kind of life

I am living like I am already three fourths dead
all these visions trapped inside of my head
Humanity I don't have a ******* shred
the disease of addiction in so wide spread

Rattling around inside of my skull
my vessel is nothing more than an empty hull
I once was silver now I am tarnished beginning to dull i
n conversation there is now a lull

picked to pieces I chose to idol
I am not stupid nor am I suicidal
my emotions wash over me like waves of tidal
I am my own rival
I am only interested in survival.
Heartbeat is something that is vital
maybe my stories will one day go viral.

Tomorrow isn't promised and today is a day I shouldn't waste
I do so anyway even if I do it in haste
My ghosts for the heroes traded have chased
Like they have challenged me to beat them I raced
The consequences I have faced
these mistakes that have never been erased. This side of goodness never have I graced

Life gives us challenges that we must face and eventually conquer. As I stare off into the wild blue yonder. These deep heavy thoughts i tend to ponder. Like how absence makes the heart grow fonder. I can not seem to defeat the creatures I did conjure. I think I'm a ****** goner. At least I'll know i went out with honor.  My ghosts Im still attempting to conquer.
Maybe if I were just a little bit stronger I could hold on a little bit longer.

Angels do not follow where it is I dare to go, dark is the deadened cold place inside my barren soul. Here hidden in these shadows of sinister dark, I stab myself with jagged bits of my broken heart. I am going to do just what I want, Don't give a ****. Sitting here spitting out the pieces of my broken luck

Am  bombarded by images and voices not meant to last. Here I am fading and I am certain I am fading fast.

I am a broken vessel a mere empty shell harboring all those secrets I can never tell, Ask me no questions and no lies will I sell..

I let my hopes just slip from my fingertips, a rose silvered here in the moons eclipse. There is nothing that I can do when I feel alone and out of place except let mascara streaked tears fall down my face.  

Don't stand there and tell me how to live my life, suicide or homicide as I grip the butcher knife ?

am I really strong appearing to stand tall or if I move do you think I'll probably fall.

Suicide isn't painless and there are monsters that are real, you don't know me nor do you know how I feel.  
I watch as their blood starts to congeal. These bodies I must now conceal. Everything seems to be so surreal. It was probably  definite overkill.

My steady hands have been seen slightly shaking hell I can't even remember all the drugs that I am taking. The problems that lately I've been creating. Is more than a little intimidating.


To ease the pain that lives inside my soul, I soothe the savage  beast with loud rock and roll. Impossible I have been to console. I've gone now to place where Pretty flowers once did grow. I have to reap what I did sew.

I have shattered just like ******* glass. If you aren't helping me up, then you can kiss my ******* *** alone in this world of **** trying to force myself into places I just don't fit. Like an astronaut I blast right off into space. A lost cause A head case, what a waste.


I am spirit that was destine to just be free. Not trying to be anybody but me. I am not really quite sure who that is supposed to be. I'm assuming it's a completely different version of me.

Watch as this sharpened Steele blade slides across my skin, I trying to vanquish demons that reside within. The air perfumed with the scents of *** and sin. Here we ******* go again. Not your foe, but I am a fiend my friend. Spinning in circles has become the newest trend  

I am a legend my fathers legacy they say, I have a hard time believing things will be ok. As of this time and this place it's all discord, and everything is in disarray

I am pretending that there is nothing wrong as I stare off into nothing as I hit the ****. I  do my best to just keep moving on. At this impasse I have stood entirely too long. I am already gone.

when I smoke I smoke strong blowing clouds  thick as hell. I am a bit twisted if you couldn't tell. I move slowly trying not to fall into these worlds that somehow parallel. Spinning in circles, I spin like a top, now  I feel rather unwell. I ******* tried it was an epic fail. An attempt I wasted. It was was no avail.

Demented and perverse. I am Explicit and profane. Im also sincere and insane. I only go crazy when I go sane. I'm still here still writhing in pain. I still miss my cousin Billy Wayne.

I am on another plane. I am in a different dimension.  It might be easier on you if you would just pay attention. In a text message I can read intention. I welcome the King of all King's divine intervention. Actively I am currently seeking redemption.

Hole in my dark dead soul so incomplete I just feel do not feel whole I twist this **** bowl as I spiralling faster out of control. The pain and sorrow I just can not let go. The older that I grow I become the much more corrupt, I am cold. Lock and reload. You're **** straight I am feeling quite bold. Tottering on the brink of another psychotic episode. I break wide open as I implode. Like laundry I know when to fold.

Above me in these tragic skies these dark angry grey clouds forebode. Like a volcano sometimes erupt. I explode. I wasn't even listening so i can't do as I was told. Your **** straight if you think I sm throwed.

At a snail's pace I move forward because I just plain refuse to go ******* straight. Save me from myself don't make me laugh for that it's already too late. In my wake i leave everything on complete devastate. The **** things I sometimes seem to contemplate.

Nothing is  around here but air and opportunity truthfully. What happens when you start a mutiny ruefully, stupidly As usual I am just standing here uselessly.  Too bad I don't have the energy to put in the elbow grease and ingenuity.

It's a ******* travesty. A downright tragedy. That so dramatically someone could throw another person from a balcony, rather casually. It was done so callously an unexcusable casualty. A brutality, a formality, of another type of abnormality. In reality it is a fantastic fatality.

I must admit. I guess I could ******* possibly, Maybe, be a little bit crazy. Although you are quite out of your rabbit *** mind.  Time you simply can not rewind. Nor can you travel back through time. Continuously seeking treasures I doubt I'll  ever find. Out in the sinister darkness of the night I pretty much strolling blind. To **** **** up I am more than a little inclined. To error is completely human but to forgive is divine.

I am pretty **** sure that my very sense of reality has been quite fractured right now I'm feeling like any moment now I'll end up being captured thanks to that ******* stitching little ******* I don't know how I should continue do I  run or just sit here and get ******* plastered just in case you didn't ******* know there's a hole inside of my very ******* soul that nothing and no one ever seem to fill I promise that I am ******* nothing if I'm not at least real very seldomly do I ever show what I feel everything surrounding me feel so **** surreal there is in fact something that is bound up inside of me right now but it's just sort of sitting here being still depending on how bad the break is in my mentality will prove if  my feelings are actually going to end up in a fatality.
for whatever reason it is I just do not ******* know whatever it is that is hurting me I just cannot seem to let it go
well aware that if I do I will completely lose control I'm more than a little bit demented and perverse I have a feeling that before things start to get better they're going to end up getting so much ******* worse I  cannot ******* help it
I feel like I am under some sort of curse even though it feels like I am the only person half *** awake in my part of universe the ghost I got for heroes once traded soon I will disperse   getting rid of them first for my demons drink of my misfortune they quench their thirst any moment now whatever is beginning to savagely build till out of my ******* chest this nefarious monster could soon burst
ever since my mom rocked me in my cradle I've known for sure but I wasn't anywhere close to being ******* stable I do  know that losing my temper while  unstable that my emotions would prove to be fatal not wishing to create just another meaningless label
I am in fact brutally ******* able to live comfortably with all these monsters residing inside of me or will I exist only to be in misery
It becomes quite clear to me that I have pondered such a question so  sincerely
all of this chaos has created a distorted version of who I am meant to ******* I've become  nefariously notorious and outlaw in my minds  eye I'm in need of an ironclad alibi
a collaboration of some story  fabricated and probably an outright lie something way more elaborate simply saying that I was out somewhere getting ******* high higher than a **** kite I am tonight there is no doubt in my head that my eyes just aren't quite right everything fades to black
when the road I'm on turns black I am blinded by the light so blind in  running off the road into to a place I've never seen before lost inside with these words I write
may I say that I end up trying to do my dead level best with all my might there's no one else that appears to be out there that in reality
is still here
I throw myself off  with the end in coming closer as it grows near  bits of my are starting  to just disappear how much more can I really take
How much longer before  ai stop bending and I actually break coughing with everything ******* deep breath I take
Feeling counterfeit like I'm a ******* fake shedding this feeling like shedded skin from a snake
I end up beginning to ******* choke
I'm losing the cause for I've been  completely broke
must be a ******* comedian because my life is a twisted ******* joke I am a hoax a  permanent ghost of some spirit I once attempted to invoke but instead that Spirit ended up being a demon that I did unknowingly provoke half *** woke I went into a dream Just as I thought someone had spoke.  Puff pass I **** who's that bloke in a hood with a scythe trying to act like regular folk.  I guess this could be a never ending night terror a nightmare to which no horror could conceivably compare I am sinking in the depths of my despair
I am just   about gone but gone to where *** and sweat perfume the air the dead don't see they just seemingly stare. Spill my secrets in this darkness I will not dare.
I am going, I'm going, going, gone down another rabbit hole impossible to console taking little comfort in twisting this bowl so incomplete I'll never feel whole. So much colder and more corrupt I become the older I grow.  See you later in the places even my Angels fear to go.

I refuse to wade in a shallow pool of past regret while our shadows give chase to our silhouette. I never wish to forget how I have always pictured ourselves riding off into the sunset bullet in the pistol Russian roulette I will not let myself  get completely upset over something that hasn't even happened yet. Smoking the days last cigarette. To trails and tribulations myself  I subject perfectly imperfect versions of my former self I still protect on painful memories try as I might not to project. Collecting every single but if my self respect. Flawed I have a detectable defect. I can't seem to self reflect. Important moments intercept. I have tried to study this aspect in great depth. A loser with a lesson that should be taught notions that can't seem to be forgot.   Forgive me please I'm been thorough a lot space cadet to astronaut. I've been distraught. Over this entire onslaught. To me to **** up is to **** around and get caught. Lost deep in thought. Twisted and contorted inside of my head are the confusing feelings of dread like I am already walking  around like I am three parts dead. Red I have bled decency I feel I have not a shred this ****  disease of addiction is completely widespread awake I lay staring at the ceiling from my bed we've all been somehow misled he situations badly misread. With God's I have pled to help me turn all this dope back into Sudafed.Unchecked I've been unable to regulate all this anxiety I demonstrate. I try to help educate people about my tucked up mental state aggravate agitate abbreviate duck a bunch of hurry up just to wait I hardly ever hesitate to deactivate incriminate exacerbate inebriate tripping over issues that just don't relate isn't the throws of addiction just ******* great. My own problems I admit alone I create especially when it's harder to concentrate without going to to seemingly complicate life with the darkness I contemplate. Memories I desecrate. Alienate no hope of this pain to alleviate a **** up I am indeed to this very dare self medicate our myself half a as on sedate so these murders I will not premeditate. Self eradicate probably works better than trying to self exonerate
Characters they did assassinate.
A perfect imperfection that is being torn in More than one direction underneath my protection can't even recognize my own reflection. I will leave it to the storytellers discretion to pick out the matters more hard pressing issues that desperately need addressing investing infesting interesting depressing of all the emotions that need suppressing to be giving it all I am capable of possessing. Confessing the truth is congestion hard for digesting **** calling in just here texting its all quite perplexing.

Bewitching hours in a dark and empty graveyard he was all alone. Really he was just sitting there on a random tombstone. Anything was better than staying in his broken  home. Ever since he left he had been completely on his own. Even though he wasn't quite half grown before he'd ever go back he would rather journey off  into the vast unknown. He knew for his own sins he would one day have to atone. Never brighter had that little light of his shone. It could be seen from the sky above and beyond.

Marijuana perfumes the air as it slow burns giving way to a cloud of smoke, with every deep breath he would take he would ******* choke.  His life was  sick and twisted. It was a ******* joke. Haunted by the demons he did unknowingly provoke just because he ******* misspoke when heroes he would envision monster he did invoke. Smoke a joint Rock a bow, l  postpone the pain, do a huge line of *******, he tried to stop himself from being crazy going sane. His attempt to save himself died in vain

Feeling as if he was being crushed beneath the sense of pending doom. He felt as if he was suffocating in his hotel room. Only slivers
Of tainted moonlight slightly cut through his gloom. Dissolving solvents fume. Desperation hanging thick in the air like a new perfume.  For days his activities he did resume.  He would soon  be animated like ****  cartoon, higher than a **** balloon. Bathed in the simple eclipse of a neon moon, he was stark raving mad laughing like a loon. He addiction was in full bloom.

He just didn't want to feel ****  anymore, no pain and no sorrow. Life on earth he knew time he did barrow. Will he still be living like this for his every tomorrow?  As a rabbit would in the ground he did burrow. His misery was penetrating his soul quite thorough.  He hid himself away in a self made inferno. What he ensures everyday no-one seemed to know. Colder and more corrupt he would grow, his light now barely would even show. He traveled to the darkest places, places even angels wouldn't dare go. Down he was feeling mighty low. Like he had been pulled under when he got caught in the undertow. Suffering he **** sure did undergo

Nowhere to go he was starting to flicker faster and faster he was a burning out flame his world was nothing but chaos and disaster.  Of his ship he  wasn't captain, of his fate he was no master. As failing to find what he constantly sought after. He wanted this to be his last chapter. He was tired of living like he was an actor.  As if he didn't hear in his head scattered laughter. He told himself there was nothing left that would truly matter. Voices in his head chatter. He was going mad like the hadder. Over and over again he did completely shatter. He was nothing more than a soul left in a tatter
The few thoughts he had he attempted to gather, he  had already begun to stagger. Too ****** up to pull off the whole cloak and dagger. Away he his in shadows just as he would rather.

Faded completely to black, he most likely isn't  ever coming back. Him staying in his head had too big of an impact. He was a vessel broken with a shell so cracked. Had against him all the odds really been stacked. No one could say for a fact. Unscathed he didn't make out, **** sure not with integrity intact. From all angles  he felt he was being attached. A **** magnet the calamity he did always attract. He was feeling trapped. He did the best he could  but never could he seem to adept. He was fading.... Just like that.

All the abuse that I have seen
Has left me standing in a dream
Violence, blood, and tears shed
Paint all of my days crimson red
When I think of my horrid past
Grateful that images do not last
I can't help but sit and cry
Wishing that my soul could fly

I was kicked around by your boots
Never allowed to grow any roots
Moved form one place to another
I missed and needed my mother
Who usually ended up in jail cell
While I lived in this private hell
She was just trying to provide
Sometimes I wonder if she lied

Here I am sitting in foster care
Blank walls holding a cold stare
Feeling like I am always alone
In a house that can't be home
I have nothing at all to say
About that horrible day
That took me to this place
Letting tears roll down my face

After I had just settled in
I was forced to move again
With people who didn't care
If I was really even there
No one even held my hand
Try to help me understand
Why I am in all this pain
Why nothing is the same

Ready to move once again
Struggling with demons within
I sat in another lonely place
Tears streaming down my face
I felt someone touch my hand
They helped me understand
That life just goes astray
And everything will be OK

Here I am sitting in foster care
Walls, not holding my cold stare
For this time I am not alone
This house will be my home
And I remain here for a while
Thinking back will make me smile
Tears of happiness I will cry
My soul is finally able to fly.

Lost oh so ******* lost AI don't even know what the hell I am supposed to do.
How the **** did I just ******* lose you
A mother without her children is so **** incomplete Broken a hole in my soul
Where you are I don't even really ******* know

How do I handle this it's is such unbearable pain
To know you're out there somewhere where I can't hear you knowing you are calling my name
The sorrow the sense of loss and all the shame
I won't ever feel like I am the person I was one in the same

I pray that whoever becomes your foster parent until to me you can one day come back
Isn't ****** up quite ******* like that

I can't ******* breathe the walls are all closing in I can't even think of the words I needed to even pray
I just hope that one day you will forgive me and grow up to be okay.

My loss so profond that chaos runs rampant as I try to hold all these evils at bay
stuttering like a record that's skipping what do I even ******* say

I lead with the silence I live in it's a sound so loud inside of my head
Without you I would rather be ******* dead

There are those that are not willing to confess, it is somehow a disgrace to all the rest.
Dishonoring those that were the best.
Damming the blessed. **** what a freaking mess.
This world is outrageous These Warriors courageous.
Their Valor said to be contagious but yet still on blood-stained Battleground, spacious their enemies remain forever nameless.
Ran through by Blades of Steel stainless they are not Shameless but neither are they blameless.
The dreams are deemed less because people can't picture fields of greenness.
Leaving dreamers dreamless. Braveness equals dire grave ness because yet another ignoramus is made famous by intentions heinous
We are lost to corrupt traditions ageless. Our future wasted all of us sinners faithless.
Chased by these ghosts of ours that are faceless. This hell we created keeps time that is fadeless.  
God remains so gracious, Even when we keep sidestepping our greatness.
All of our passions are burned out.
They are flameless. Achievements frameless.
F. I'm no fruits of our labor by our efforts gainless this world seems to be carried by the brainless
This can not sustain us. Villains Reckless leaving behind collateral damage. Careless vulnerable we cannot be covered by our barrenness. This world's not remembered for fairness. Ego Who should be deflated. Our countries morals debated. Suicide is not painless as some have stated. So why are these murders?: Premeditated? You' d cast helf-medicated fade to see to the half medicated,and  half *** sedated. Moments that were wasted Your briyhtytt they look as though they were cherished through eyes that were jaded. Stupid are those that appeared educated our enemies so underestimated.
Our Saviors belated. Blood people hated cutting ties to the ones in which they are relatedo  Civilization degraded how we long for that familiar sameness they said comes from sadness  
.     the world is an outrageous mess for forgotten faces found in Peyton's places Out Of Reach of God's good graces some of these bodies disappeared with no traces they ended up in an oasis could be nothing more than a fabled burial ground of wasted spaces.

Angels do not follow where it is I dare to go, dark is the deadened cold place inside my barren soul. How I got to this low point I don't even know. I jump right down every rabbit hole. These drugs I'm on taking their toil.  Listening to loud rock and roll. Just kinda rocking this bowl.
Because of the trauma I can't let go, I often find myself just as i start losing control. That much colder and more corrupt the older I grow. Emotions pushed down deep so they don't ever show. So **** incomplete don't know how I would ever feel whole.
Here hidden in these shadows of sinister dark, I stab myself with jagged bits of my broken heart.
I am going to do just what I want, I Don't give a ****. Sitting here spitting out the pieces of my broken luck. I am out reaking havoc, I Just run amuck. Joyriding all over this one horse town in a stolen pick up truck. I hit the ground in a manner that's quite abrupt Tearing down these walls I'll soon have to reconstruct. It's just a process that I can not interrupt.. it's another sign that sonn i will self  destruct. In this addict mindset I am struck. Im already out in the open like a sitting duck. Might as well wait a little longer til I become thunderstruck. Even better do exactly as I instruct. It will be a twisted ride, so better buckle up.w
I am the definition of disorderly conduct. Like a valcano my temper sometimes does errupt. I let my hopes just slip from my fingertips, a rose silvered here in the moons eclipse.  I prepare myself for the likelihood of the coming apocalypse. This addiction firmly holds me in it grip. Time for me to take a little trip. I blast off like a ******* rocketship.  I know the pain and suffering this lifestyle inflicts, maybe you'll get out alive if it does permit. The peace of mind I constantly seek it contradicts. The very root of so many of my conflicts. Again and again, out of my chest my heart it rips.  So many things in it's bag of tricks enough to keep you in the mix. Just feast your eyes and let them transfix. If you're going to do something better do it quick. Not that I really think that I am slick but there is a puddle on my pipe that's thicker than a brick. I will smoke it down and you'll never even hear my lighter click. Sick and tired of being tired and sick. Its time for me to flip this script. Showing others the truth this disease never does depict. I am alone in this world of **** trying to force myself into places I just don't fit. as I begin to vanquish demons that reside within. I now know this is a battle I just must win. I writhe around uncomfortable in my own skin. Thankful that mightier than by no swords of sharpene byd steel, is my little fountain pen. I am Tarnished, Silver's evil twin. In full circles I spin and spin. One day perhaps  I'll stop but I don't know when. I hide myself a way in my world of pretend.Go ahead and notify my next of kin. im a washed up has been headed for the ****** bin.
I am lost and confused with a woeful story I couldn't tell. Another basket case burning in their own private hell. Praying I won't fall into these worlds somehow parallel. I turn and turn on this carasoul. Until i start feeling rather unwell.  I tried so **** hard it was an epic fail. It did no good. It was to no avail. Far from this side saving grace I have fell. Skin like that of the living dead just as pale. In my coffin hammer the very last nail. Push me off into the sea help me to set sail. Don't cry for me i bid to you a fond fare-the-well. I just another disturbed character killed off in this demented fairytale.
What have I done. I'm a cause that's so lost. I can't pay the price because I can not afford te cost. I left complete devastation in my very wake. From me this addiction did take and take. My life it did complicate. Compounding every situation I did create. Breathing to life the things I ofen contemplate. I am not the captain of my ship nor was I the mater of my fate. To save me from myself it's now to late. Tripping over things that don't even relate. A perfect **** up perfectly ****** up to this very date. Isn't addiction just ******* great. My soul these demons did ransack. I've done a lot of **** i cannot take back. That's no brag that's just fact. Never knew this would all would cause such  a deep impact. I didn't make it out unscathed integrity intact. I was a dying vessel with a shell so cracked. That it broke all to pieces when I wa attacked. I've moved on now and I'm never ******* coming back. For all purposes now I have faded to black.

Violets blue Roses red awake I lay in my bed stuck inside of my own head. Living my life like I am already three fourths dead overcome with dread this disease is now widespread decency I have not a single shread hanging on by a single thread should've turned this ****** dope right back into Sudafed. Deja Vu all things have somehow gone askew just what is it you think I am supposed to do I trust very few well maybe just two one is not me the other is not you. Given chase by things I once did pursue. Haven't got a ******* clue wonder off into the clear blue I try to keep myself out of view penance is long overdue do not judge me until you know what I've been through. Broken spirits send my soul to shatter crazier I am madder than the mad hatter not that it really even seems to matter. swing batter batter **** tends to splatter dark are these thoughts that I attempt to gather a ******* disaster from these terrors I can not run and ******* faster. Of my fate I am no master forever searching for what everyone else is after maddening is the laughter the echo still a factor all the world is a stage everyone is an actor. Prepare for the rapture recapture distractor trapper. All of this has gone straight down the crapper. Vindictive streak. I've  been up an entire week. My intentions reek I don't know what justice I intend to seek I sow now what I'll one day reap now and lay me down to... **** sleep I have too many secrets I must keep. Living my life of repeat actions are louder than mere words proving talk is cheap into the shadows often I retreat to hide from those moments that are bittersweet gone in a heartbeat I cannot admit defeat. Even when I am not able to remain discreet my situation is not so unique.  Especially when I am on straight tweak   incomplete unwilling to trust myself not to misspeak one true deep a broken heap I attempt to render myself obsolete.  A sinner  faithless chased by ghosts that are faceless. In a time that seems fadeless. Traditions that seem ageless valor that is said to be contagious when an ignoramos is made ****** famous by their intentions heinous. Shameless are the brainless that were sent to sustain us unable to cover our bareness with fairness. Nightmarish memories we hope will perish. Spread awareness. The dead stare less and  there is nothing I wish to confess. Other than Im a hot mess with emotions that I cannot seem to express. Under duress I stress more or less here hard to press issues I still need to address. I obsess repossess I congest truth hard to digest under protest. **** with the best and die like all the rest. In these chaotic frabracations,  that are really next level fairy tales demented as hell.  The heroes they have all fell Into worlds that are somehow parallel turning full circles in this **** carasoul. Until I start to feel rather unwell. Right around the time of this epic fail I bid thee a fond fare the well ask no more questions and no lies will I attempt to sell. Dubious interactions can't get no satisfaction riding off in a two wheeled contraption. Without desire withholding passion in true losers fashion. Character's assassin. A week's worth of rations. Hope just for the dashing. Thrashing these drugs here are for stashing. For a party worthy of crashing. Mention it not even in passing. Ever lasting. Broadcasting. Fasting. Reacting. Relaxing everything is so distracting.

Waiting for the aftershock to subside
I failed epically even though I tried. Reclaiming all the tears that I have cried. Please God I pray you let my transgressions slide.
With the rules I do not comply. Vindictive streaked is my dark tragic sky. I keep chasing spirits and smoke clouds though I just do not know why.
No need for an iron clad alibi. I'll tell you straight I was out getting high.
Chaos and catastrophes seem to collide  pain and turmoil brought in by the rising crimson tide.
I still try to take it all in stride
riding for my ride or die
to help ride the very pride
right to the other ******* side.
Power glide.
Patience short supplied.
No one left in which I feel as if I could confide
my frequent thoughts of suicide.
Hole deep in my cold barren soul just as deep as it is wide.
Pushing the pain way down inside
my emotions I tend to hide.
When my cuz passed part of me actually died.
By myself I am beside
These drugs I self prescribe.
Into another realm it seems as if I did arrive. In this pain I still writhe. Feeling more dead than I do alive.

Dig my *** up like an artifact after I was buried beneath the chaos and the calamity that somehow I seem to  attract.
Make it out unscathed integrity still intact.
Brace myself for the impact. No brags just plain fact. Against Me all the odds are unfairly  stacked
from all angles now I'm attacked. Revenge I exact. Fell right into the trap. I think I may need a nap. Sharp as a tac. Throw out the rift raft
*** for tat tat for *** take another ******* hit. **** close to being lit legit. Another wash up misfit
That just will not quit.
I don't sive a ghit
nor do i even give a ****. Forcing myself into places that I was never meant to fit.

Sporadically my heartbeats inside my chest
as on my shoulders the weight of what feels like the world I attempt to heft.
I would give my very last breath if I had any oxygen left.
In these shinny surfaces my face does reflect.
I am not perfect.
Unless you mean perfectly ****** up. Reeking havoc out running amuck.
In a  stolen pick up truck spitting out tiny pieces of my broken luck.
Thunderstruck in an addicted mindset I am stuck
hitting the ground hard in a manner rather abrupt
falling in a reverse tail spin.
Colder and much more corrupt.
My temper is capable of beginning  to erupt. Disorderly is how to define my conduct. These walls I have to reconstruct readjust. Don't look at me with such disgust. Very few people do I actually trust. Only the ones that I must. Ashes to dust. If it wasn't for marijuana my lungs would rust.
About ready to just spontaneously combust.
Do not try to interrupt. These demons disrupt
do just as instruct.
Stand clear as I self ******* distruct.

Dancing my way out of the the masquerade, to play life's little charade. Intrusive thoughts they invade. Unafraid renegade.  Hand well played.
For a week up I have stayed
Far from the beaten path I have strayed. Orders not obeyed.
With death's  bouquet
Cover the stretch of those already decayed.
To black I attempt to fade.
Not the master of my fate.
No intentions of ever going straight.
Cannot save me from myself for that it's way too **** late.

Solace and salvation I seek actively. About this I feel passionately.
I try to present myself fashionably. But distractedly waiting to happen a disaster haphazardly casually a callously created causality
an abnormality. Get off on a technicality. Distorted sense of reality coming from my badly broken mentality. Brutality, fatality.
What in this actuality is just a principality held over someone else's haywire personality.
Never have I ever been so **** sincere in the middle of the night I am seeing pretty **** clear
I feel as the end maybe growing near. Hold my throttle
hold my beer.
As the dawn approaches i begin to ******* disappear
my mind always wondering if anyone out there right now is even really here.
Burn down all I ever held so **** dear. Swinging from the chandelier. Here is to another wild year.

I don't know what it is that I am attempting to seek actions louder than words proving that talk is cheap.
I run one true deep.
Now I lay me down... To do anything but ******* sleep
I have to many secrets only I can keep.
My eyes been wide open for about a week. My intentions reek. I gack I geek I ******* tweak. I don't trust myself not to misspeak
in the shadows I often retreat unable to admit defeat.
Trying to stay discreet
while I wander this street. Incomplete vindictive streak running from moments that are at best bittersweet. Wish I was a mistake that someone could delete
living my life like it's stuck on repeat. I'll  take my whiskey neat.  
now I will attempt to render myself completely obsolete.

I am silver that's now tarnished and growing dull
Intrusive thoughts twisted up rattle around inside of ******* skull. A broken vessel
An empty hull.  Rock another ******* bowl. Spin spun right out of control. Slow my roll before off in the nefarious darkness I stroll. Traveling where there are only  places my angels dare never to go.

Fabrications seem  to heavily fall as the toxins expell
Nothing more than a throwed off fairy tale that is demented as hell.
Ask no questions and no lies will I have to sell. I bid the a fond fare the well. As moonlight goes pale and the smoke grows stale. I tried but to no avail.
Do another hot rail
Follow a dusty trail.
Now I am weak and kind of frail.
Banshees loudly wail. Hammer into my coffin another nail.
Get ready to set sail. Spinning til I am feeling rather unwell.
In this rather unsavory prison I tend to dwell. Tension starting to swell.

Crushed here underneath this pending doom, my room has become just another tomb
For some grave digger to exhume.
My activities I try and resume but I am higher than a **** ballin animated  all drawn out like a **** cartoon red assed like a **** baboon. Nothing seems to cut though this gloom the toxic fumes the air it perfumes.  Like peacocks colorful plumes
Will I die as presume. This poison I consume.
Burning in the afternoon

It doesn't seem like this **** should even really matter, increasingly disturbing thoughts that lately I have begun to gather. Way down deep inside I shove these feelings and emotions I refuse to let show. If I could just give it to God perhaps I might be able to let some of it go. My body has already been  by this cancer  invaded. Its progression can't be delayed or eradicated. Quite unsure what to even think I spend every moment I am awake trying to get faded. I try to forget that probably sooner than  later I'll start. Fading right to black the dark thoughts that no matter how I wish I can't just take back. Unfortunately this is no fabrication this is straight fact. Maybe years from now they'll dig me up like an artifact. Who the **** know maybe I will make it out scathed integrity still mostly intact. It's not for myself that I even really hold concern For in death I have no more lessons to learn. It's about all the loved ones that I'll be leaving behind. In so many places that are usually most unkind the things that get twisted up and rattle around inside my head leave me more than just a little perplexed. I think the hardest part in not knowing what do expect. I wish I knew someone that could tell me what is coming next. Will my loved one be those that will pine as I burn and perish will the memories they have of me be among the moments that they cherish. It's all still somewhat nightmarish. This body's merely a vessel. I have no doubt to glory my spirit will surely fly. Imanage going up, up do much higher and faster than dare I. No need for anymore alibis  no more lullabies. Just this darkness as they close my eyes. No questions no more lies. Not another misconception. This is my last masquerade costume I adorn to play the final charade. I would go completely naked if I knew I would be covered by the nights shade. For ghosts that for years now have been faceless most of my cherished heroes have been hasitaly traded I know for a while now I have been watching the world with eyes pretty **** jaded. More than it actually is it sounds so complicated. I can not help the things that I have contemplated. On my heart it has been heavily weighed how to tell those I behold goodbye. That's going to be the hardest on me myself I am beside. I pray I said.y peace as u accept this possible fate perhaps for the solace and salvation I'm already too **** late how do I know that heaven and hell are really even real will it be there that my forever wounds will finally heal my emotions I will continue to conceal everything is beginning to look kind of surreal on bent knees in prayer I kneel no more full circles will I turn. In the spreading flames I'll no longer burn. I had often wondered when the time I borrowed would adjourn.  Answers the questions I ponder is something for which I desperately yearn. When completely I am gone will my spirit walk and linger on though this purgetory of broken fairytales or will the devil himself come drag ble straight to hell. It's now I quite badly wish for those worlds that were somehow parallel I am for sure of at least one thing I'm getting off this **** carasoul if not this entire Merry go round. I am  like a stero wired for ******* sound. Head in the clouds I drag my feet along the ground never am I coming down maybe myself
I will find out if I just **** around. maybe in what I seek what I need will actually be found.  Deeper down that ever before the dark thoughts I am compelled to hide most of all I look forward to possibly kicking it with my cousin that's on the other side. that alone stays my hand from suicide. It's those kinds of thoughts in which I have no left I can confide. Since once again I am at a loss that has turned into another epic fail though I tried to no avail. In the wind I can almost hear the banshees wail. Falling in reverse from the sky in a spinning of the tail. Dance with the devil in the tainted moon light that was rather pale. Surrounded by all the smoke that has quickly grown long since stale white noise I hear the static in my head it's driving me sane for that is when I get the craziest.  This purple the fogs quite hazy. Sort of like the twilight zone to each their own me and Rod sterling walk side by side wandering lost.  While these spirits give me chase. Inside these outer limits of this Peyton place where I am constantly attempting to save face as I continuously fall from this side of my saving grace. Like the smoke and fog I should disappear without another trace no **** evidence no **** case. go on you do as you dare eventually I will have to get going it doesn't matter going where remaining my biggest question is anyone that's here right now really even all there. Forget the **** dog of the owner beware doing my damnest not to start sinking into my utter despair on me war the creatures I conjured declare my nerves are raw and completely bare for this journey I cannot prepare times now running short so I this world of nothing but opportunity and plenty air I choose to hit the **** **** while into this nothing i stare. I cross my heart on my soul I swear I appreciate every single prayer. Do not cry for me when I am gone do not morn for me today. Just like s gently flickering flame that's burning out slow Rocking my last bowl the insufferable pain burns deeper this hole in my already dark barren soul. I am colder and corrupt the older I grow. Do tell what else does anyone else need to know.