I can’t remember the day I decided to tie the knot.
I don’t even remember when I decided it was time to pick up the rope
or when a rope stopped looking like a rope
and started looking like an escape route.
We used to climb them in gym
and man it was dreadful,
I had no upper body strength.
Was that a sign I would never be stronger than the inanimate weave of rough fiber?
Whenever it was,
I must’ve chosen to tie it.
Perhaps it was every time I chose to do something
I didn’t want to just to make somebody else happy.
Or just less angry with me.
Or maybe I tied it when I skipped school to stay home
or told people I was okay when I wasn’t just so I wouldn’t bother them
or because I didn’t know what to say.
Nonetheless it’s tied
and I feel it around my neck every day.
It’s always there,
chafing on my skin,
reminding me who’s in charge.

I want to be your greatest adventure
If I’m not, please let me go.
When you look at me,
see the sunshine as it flickers through leaves overhead in the redwood forest
If you don’t, let me go.
The moment I touch you,
I want you to feel the warm summer breeze of the coast
If you don’t, let me go.
When you kiss me,
I want you to know the feeling of a rollercoaster dropping from the highest peak
If your stomach doesn’t do a somersault, let me go.

If for some reason, when you hold me
you don’t feel as though you're sitting before a fireplace on a cold winter night,
then ******* you, let me go.
When I wake you up with a kiss,
if grateful is not the first thing you feel, let me go.
Don’t force me to stay and waste my time by being indifferent.
If I’m not the passport to the life of your dreams,
give me up, let me go.
If you’re anything less than enamored with me,
what are you waiting for? Let me go.

If the sound of my voice isn’t your forgotten favorite song
And my scent isn’t your favorite summer flower
And my smile isn’t the perfect polaroid
And my laugh isn’t the wind chimes on the porch of your grandma’s house
And you can’t see the whole world in my eyes when they lock yours,
Do us both a favor, and let me go.

You may be hesitant,
and I would be too
If I had the universe in my arms by chance
And I treated it like anything less by choice.

Let me go.

It tastes like you,
From start to finish.
As I flick the lighter,
And the flame warms my face,
I can feel your light blinding me again.
That first inhale,
It’s something divine,
Like when you open the door for me,
Wearing leggings and a cropped long sleeve.
As I inhale, the flames burn my throat
Like saying goodnight after one of our long talks.
Holding it in my lungs, I’m transported.
On your porch, leaning against each other,
In your car, singing a Disney song
In your kitchen, crying about a hypothetical.
As I exhale, I can feel it
The words coming out of my mouth
Like a waterfall I can’t control
“I like you so much,
You’re so beautiful”
So I continue to smoke them,
One puff at a time,
And remember our moments,
Trying to keep them all mine.
The last hit always burns my lips a little,
Warm and sweet,
Like your lips were on mine.
It’s killing me slowly,
But then, so were you.