happy new year
and with it all its promises
to be broken

can you hear my heartbeat?
i feel nothing
outside the space between where we all vibrate at
off the bitten path

i see you're unhappy
but I laugh inside
not to mock or ridicule
astonished that you consider it torture
ignoring your present situation
ignoring your predicted future

i'm the bad guy, perfect

Forty years, drinks in hand,
Cheers to life, a wild demand.
Reflections swirl, memories unfold,
A drunken toast, turning bold.

In the depths of despair, forty years unfold,
A somber reminder, a story untold.
Drunk and desolate, lost in the night,
A bleak existence, devoid of light.

open up your eyes
and let me spit inside

tragedy awaits
so go ahead and smile for the camera

suicide, suicide
or death that's riding side by side with life
and an endless smile

the first day is always the hardest
the sun shines
but i'm blind to it
a coronation but no ones invited
heads down
but not proud if it
the morning papers only filled with sadness
we rifle through it like nothings the matter
internal thinking causing external issues
solve them
or they will harm them

i'd say goodbye
but you've closed the door
i'm only in your pictures now
a wilted flower kept to remember

a life of hidden corners
easily accessed when life gets hard
adding corners doesn't solve the problems
just makes it easier to escape into them

whispers bread secrets
unveiling souls' depths
light still exists in the darkest of corners
connecting life's breath

whispers divulge clandestine lore
unveiling depths we can't ignore
amidst shadows, they softly glide
weaving tales where secrets hide

life's intricate tapestry
where joy and sorrow entwine
there exists the most delicate of dichotomy's
where the lines between weddings and funerals blur
as our hearts dance on a thin thread of emotions

weddings and funerals
joys and sorrows
love blooms
tears follow

celebrated
remembered
life's essence
love amidst tragedy

sometimes i catch myself in the mirror and stare
just.
stare.
i don't stare long
but its an uncomfortable amount of time
i look into my eyes
but nothing looks back
i look around my face
what you look at every day
the best presentation of myself
in physical form
this, auto pilot

in dreams where fires ignite
twice the height, our souls take to the skies
boundless, where the randomness of stars align
unveiling deity's design

soar towards the fading light
twice the height, dreams ignite

its all in the delay
taut rope ends
beside a microphone
still, no one hears

cry less
you don't smile enough anyways
typecast
typical

we all feel the same vibrations
we just need to get onto each others frequencies
...
worst pickup line ever

complaining is unnecessary
I complain inside
and let it go
it'll pass
it keeps the peace
but its uncomfortable

death forgotten timeless trees
as winged spirits take their final fly
the trees still reach into the sky
still reach into the darkness of the infinite

high atop immortal pines
where birds go to die
in whispers, their songs fill the night
a sacred resting place, one last time

secrets hidden in the over growth
a single feather rest
never to take flight again
A realm unseen by mortal eye,
where birds go to die

a generation lived
a generation remembered
a generation all but forgotten
a generation of photo-less family tree entries

we had good morning kisses
now they land on your cheek
hugs, with arms at your side
how much less can you give me?

why mock someone willing to try
is it fear to be surpassed
or hate the willingness to try
no one ever said it would be easy
they also never said it was impossible

what a price to pay
for a life
it chips away
and inward we go
the mental strain
splits infinity
breaks me

mostly kind spirited
spirals internally
what next stress will lead me down that unfamiliar path?

likes for likes
in search of worth
a temporary smile
lost to the scroll

wake up
its tuesday again
no i don't want to continue watching
i wont brush my teeth this morning

I was born
I will die
in-between
infinite universal possibilities

wash my hands
wear my mask
eyes down
keep away

canceled parties
postponed weddings
crushed dreams
lost memories

lock the door
draw the blinds
netflix, are you still watching?
yes, stop asking

January first
a brand new day
who are we kidding
its only the beginning

i was always told that god would be there for me
god is there if i need change
god will never turn his back on me
...
god may be taking the year off

its seems like you have something more to say
and i am here to listen
i'm interested in you
like i always have been
but the walls you've built
have few missing bricks for looking in
it felt nice the last time
calm and patient
we listened, responded
never preachy or judgmental
a rare freshness
a cloudless sky
the cleanest air
that was nice

you still pick at the scabs the blade has made
pencil in your though on your face
i can still feel you underneath my skin
you're lost and scared to let me in

you've abandoned all your beliefs
the relief you felt when you go to sleep
within your mind you cannot find
the point of sanity has gone blind

and all the rest just lay in bed
when you leave this place these walls will rest
oh be grateful
your time is all but spent

before you forget what is meant to be sane
wont you tilt your head back and pick up that same blade
do you still miss the way the sun felt on your face?
of abandoned it all for a meaningless taste
the scars on your wrist that you try hard to hid
tell the story of someone's whos had a hard life
will you learn from mistakes that life has thrown you by
or ignore the lit path and sleep now as you cry

you cannot obtain it
you've tried
you can't
your tears form new lines on your face
the wheels still spin
but you don't move forward
a shame
'so much potential'
words like knives on the tongue
'such a beautiful gift squandered '
some seconds of pity before moving on

i'm 35
and i don't matter
in a generation ill be forgotten
but my words on the screen will remain
at least until the domain payments stop
i'm 35
and i don't matter
in a generation ill be forgotten
we use to revere our elders, there knowledge
but now we have google so...
i'm 35
and i don't matter
in a generation ill be forgotten
we don't look at anyone anymore
Why waste the time, our best moments are online
tomorrow ill be 36
and i won't matter
it seems like its happened already
i'm 36 and i don't mater
i'm forgotten

good morning
skipping breakfast
and start the day
push till lunch
skipping lunch
grind till dinner
ill have dinner
end the day
half hour till liftoff
the best and saddest part of the day

i am lost
i sit on the hood of my car
staring out to the open ocean
nothing to see but the horizon
a spot miles away
the waves rise and fall
crash like thunder
and then the calm

there is a spot miles away
my mind drifts there when i need it
to reset
to restart
to re-center
i wish i could live there always
peacefully

i was a ghost back then
not by choice
i drifted with the shadows
they kept me safe and sane

looking back
i don't know how i did it
i don't know if i could do it again
i don't know if i could continue

when i left i decided to not be me
i haven't been me since
the shadows still follow
just in case

this world is never what it seems
even for fucken drama queens
who live their lives like storybooks
but in the end they always look
the other side so welcoming
tricked into giving up their dreams
and all they'll have to sells their soul
can keep their minds its full of holes

never have i been more ashamed
of how i treaded you that day
i spoke before my mind could stop my though from ever being recognized
i'm a complete wreck for you
i'm a complete mess for you

she speaks
ill keep her secret safe
it won't harm anyone until one day it does come out
it will be tragic but inevitable

for now, lips are sealed
a time capsule with no end date
the anticipation of a champagne cork taking flight
with a lot more tears

you can never turn back the hands of time
but rejoice in the fact that the future is blind

I want the sun
and need the stars
but lets be honest
not the moon

you will always stay with me
from the swings in mood you could never understand
to the depths of the deepest darkness
the heights of joy
the playful smiles
you were the light that never went out
until it did

and just like that
you stole my heart
like a thief in the shadows
a daring daylight capper

but you didn't steal it for love
when we ended you left me with nothing
not even a sliver to share with someone else
just a cavern never to be filled again

and just like that
you stole my heart
you made it so
id never love again

would you give me a moment
to redefine my train of though
would you give me just a single moment
to gain control, i've had enough
before we loose touch with reality
and we start living make believe
wont you give me time to breath?
when all else feels out of place
and happiness does not exist
remember me

keep your head up kid
you're late, but you made it anyways

this is not a public service announcement
this is not a cry for help
this is will cause a chain reaction
that circles back to end at my feet
i am not a real person
i am not real
this will change everything
this will change everything

the bumblebee stares
sometime i get high and it speaks to me
but it never has anything positive to say
badgering me to fold into myself
introspection can be valuable
but its value is subjective
it smiles with its eyes wide
taking in the room
ill go now, i'm nodding off
good night bumblebee
till tomorrows night

don't do anything
do less
yield
stop
listen
try to understand
who's tears are we crying?
who do we see in front of us?
the shell hardens
a panic to conflict
critical energy flow
the narration of a life together
read from different manifestos

i wonder about speaking circles in intellectual community's
it must be so different
the sound, the tone, and actively listening
on full display
the cadence of the super bowl parking lot face painted fan
unbecoming
or is it all the same noises we make
hidden behind giant brains

the horizon goes dark
the storm comes in
its rains washes the dirt
but the grime remains
behind your smile you lie
don't ask me what i think of you
you wont get the answer you desire
i can't be your gentleman

where do you go to lay your head and cry
where do you feel safe enough to bare your soul
and never question why
there are many places in my mind where i can feel the greatest joy
i hope there are place in your mind
or you can come and share in some of mine