i wonder about speaking circles in intellectual community's
it must be so different
the sound, the tone, and actively listening
on full display
the cadence of the super bowl parking lot face painted fan
unbecoming
or is it all the same noises we make
hidden behind giant brains

this is not a public service announcement
this is not a cry for help
this is will cause a chain reaction
that circles back to end at my feet
i am not a real person
i am not real
this will change everything
this will change everything

i've taken pictures all my life
a stolen moment in time
we reminisce about those days
when everything just felt right

i've taken pictures all my life
i've taken one today
i wonder how this one will be remembered
some moments are meant to be forgotten

where do you go to lay your head and cry
where do you feel safe enough to bare your soul
and never question why
there are many places in my mind where i can feel the greatest joy
i hope there are place in your mind
or you can come and share in some of mine

i was too young to care
i'm old enough now to never forget
i miss you

i find myself alone today
i can plan my day how i see fit
a rarity these days
but i wont get anything accomplished

i'll just float downstream
the slow current takes me to where i need to be
nothing planned in advance
i'll end up where i'm needed

but today its not a stream
but a calming peaceful lake
i'm alone here too
ill float in place

i guess no one need me

the horizon goes dark
the storm comes in
its rains washes the dirt
but the grime remains
behind your smile you lie
don't ask me what i think of you
you wont get the answer you desire
i can't be your gentleman

it isn't a race
but it is a competition

i know that you're dying
pretending wont stop the crying
we hide it deep down inside
the messages can't be diminished
anything for you
i know you're dying

i watched you burn
pathetic fool when will you learn
this life isn't catered just for you
isn't that a shame

open the front door to your freedoms
a step away but always out of reach
you were only meant to believe you could grasp at nothing
and produce something of yourself

i've never written in a journal
is it like talking to yourself
but writing it down?
don't we do that already?
now were keeping a record?
i don't know how real it will be here
a smattering, an over abundance
none, all
i don't even know
the truth lies somewhere in between
if you trust what i'm saying

all the links in my chain
are the weakest

cut the death branches
prune the over growth
dig deep, the roots need attention
clear away the rot
take a breath
and another
and another
hold
a little forced smile
it'll come naturally next time

dive in deep ends
and abolish
an weaker life
so dishonest
a toothless grin
for deadly departed
a blackout stare
oblivion

i've become something new
brace yourselves
its a new day floating in space
feel the sunlight

i feel a third perspective
rising from my core
does it bring, the glimmering
or bitterness, unbecoming
wake up at the very end
the race was lost so long ago
why does it seem, like no one cheers
victims to a higher calling
dissociate to shields the vitals
muting the screaming hordes
with it it brings, the bittering
a conscious effort to mask all things

there it is
that shine
a sign it will be a great day
fingers crossed

it must be hard
to sit in front of a couple and listen to their problems
how do you put yourself in their shoes
how do you live a life
and come out the other end
how do you live a relationship
for years
FOR YEARS
and steer their ship
school?
studies?
the problems grow deep
roots reach the core and suffocate
20 years distilled into hour chunks

interesting

i want to be better
but i can't fix impossible

how awful the past may seems to us in the present
revisiting a memory of a memory like only a memory can provide
the smells
the lights
the shades
the fights
that blue dress you wore once that you spilled wine on that night
or was it purple?
that night we walked and talked for hours
or was it raining?
the memory of memories like photocopies of photocopies
distorting sets in
the colors fade as the shades darken
the blacks and whites all bleed together
becomes static on an old television

when we're young
we look up
and find idols
they shape us
the lift us up
inspire us
anything is possible

but there comes a time
when we realize the fragileness of life
a family member, a friend
a distant life ends
and then one day
all our heroes die
and we morn them as a friend

(cheers to the ones who master chess while we learn to play checkers)

intelligence visits those with the patience to lend their ears
its only fitting you should know you'll never make it out of here
to reconnect on a level of trust, impossible
so far away from mending a broken soul
as you cry over the parts you have sold
this path you've chosen isn't set in stone

as the day comes to an end
i never feel more at peace
than the moment right before i fall asleep
to never wake up would be the greatest release

i feel fine now
just, fine
and that's alright
life, designed to bring me down
i've designed
but im alright

the road turns slightly up ahead
then forks
i've taken the wrong path many times before
i've convinced myself over the years
that there is no "right" way
just my way
no matter how wrong that way is

go ahead
pick up your rocks
aim for my head
pray you have luck

go ahead
cast me aside
convince yourself
you have nothing to hide

i wish that i could be like you
i wish that i could see behind their eyes inside their minds
and label them with what i think i would find

i hate that i can hate like you do
i hate that i can label without any thing to prove
i hate that i've become like one of you

nice guys finish last
its the polite thing to do

will i
remember those days
when we stayed out late
enjoyed the setting sun
will i
remember to clean off my plate
those waiting here
can't pretend to care enough

all those wasted years
of walking in someone's shoes
a life regret
in a smaller size

i dream
from it i've drawn a shapeless being
colored outside the lines
i did not give it a mouth to speak
but i see its monsters grin

its stood in the backways
it though me how to lie
convinced me loneliness would be my only comfort
i listened
i feel fine

this all seems familiar
your broken record replays in my mind
as hard as i attempt to turn you off
you keep your light on inside

i see you crawl, take the same fall
as you admit that i'm always wrong
remain my muse, for all my tunes
i thank you for breaking my heart

the right was fine
a slight light pinch
and then it was gone
the left has been stinging for hours
i won't sleep tonight
why do i do this?

i didn't cause these issues
they were always right there
before my time
i was just in the wrong place
when you decided to act on them

look at me
look me in they eyes
i am not your savior
you've confused our friendship
for something much more than what i can provide
and for that
i am truly sorry

show me
show me you're wonderful
we've argued till our vocals fry
but haven't moved forward

i picture your immaculate
radiating power
a sight to behold and hold forever
but my minds eye lies to me

i wish
i wish i could yell at you
to tear it off the bone
but it would be too polite

we use to play
but now i'm stalked as pray
and with every hopeful vibe
the pressure rises

you'll tear me down again
as you'll grin through your modesty
i find myself loosing every hand
i've lost what i've never had

id much rather drown you out with silence
than engage in a yelling battle i would surely lose

motionless
hid in the shadows of arrogance
a life snapped into life on a whim
the past I found, intolerant

burier him deep
i once remembered but the fog has thickened lately
that memory blown to the sands of time
he had no mind for this anyways

but i remember that walk
it wasn't very long
a dicission was made
and a boy, lost

i'm having conversations with myself
does the voice inside my head have my best interests at heart
i feel i'm always fighting an uphill battle
and that voice is bringing me down

what is that voice?
is it me?
am i arguing with myself?
is it...are you?

i feel the divide
its not speaking now but when it does i cant control it
it must not be
me

and what of him
in heated conversations he does stop debating at some points
is he conversing with someone else?
who does he consult with?

is someone else in there?!

he's quiet now
the both are
they all are?

trying to remember where I'm heading
but the past pulls me back in every time
i'm drowning in nostalgia and unanswered questions
the faded ceilings tell my story
but i can't write the ending in time
and ends, always incoming

its midnight again and i've been staring at the darkness
the same thing like every night before
i come downstairs with every intention of starting
but why bother if its never worked before

the volume inside my head is astounding
as i sit in the quietest of rooms
i can't help myself from sabotaging everything
i can't help it, im a fool

its been years
the groundhogs day of thoughts race through my head
i come downstairs with the best of intentions
i can't help myself from sabotaging everything

i can't help it

lets face it
at this point it is what it is
the story is written and buried deep
the final draft summited
a life: published with no revisions

table for two
we sit down
but dine alone

how do people have the patience to live their lives?
its hard to believe what i see on TV
as real
the world outside, a fake
where do they find the energy and time
to step out of their homes
and smell the roses

i'm afraid to admit
i've become addicted to the pain
try shattering this mundane routine
that i've become too afraid to change

At forty
burdened by sorrow's weight,
Innocence fades, tears permeate.

Hope whispers, a gentle embrace,
Guiding you through life's somber space.

lost with nowhere left to go
wrote a note but failed
oh what a mess
thought it could end with one button press
maybe there's a reason I've been denied

still lost
beat down soul
the rattle in my hand
woke up in a hospital bed
with doctors and loved ones around my head

crooked smiles
failed again

close your eyes
breath
its the only way you'll truly be
in a place that's solely yours

we started young and aged together
twenty years blinked
now behind us
but you're much older
the weight of the world
of life and love
the scales cannot calculate
when grapes sour
sweet bitterness
when grapes sour
wine's overpowered

sit, and enjoy
let the dust settle
where are we at in the end?
it was all meant to be happy

it all feels a little bit lost some how
mourning
boring
mundane
rage

RAGE, but silent

the clear view from our window
now ***** from both sides
no matter how often i clean mine
the view's filtered through the grime

i can't hold you anymore
the smoke has cleared but the damage remains
if i broke both my hands
id still reach out for you
but i fear in this moment
id be grasping the air

don't come
stay here
negative tape on repeat
what do you want?
sit in it
the sunlight shines through
surrounding clouds thicken