Today I saw you
For the first time in 10 days
I was filled with nerves and anxiety
But also peace and a lightness
Its hard to explain
Much like our relationship
But you asked the question
That i guess had been playing on your mind
For 10 days
I was almost had peace with it
Which is more then i had been in months
How is your eating
You asked
And i didnt lie
I answered,every day apart from 2
But the 2 werent together
And it was easy
But i knew the question would come
I knew you would look and see
If i had lost
Or if i had gained
And i dont know how to tell you that i only reason i didnt give in,
Is because i didnt want to **** up
Bacuse you werent there
I didn't have you to hide behind
And cover for me
Which i know you do
Because it was all on me.
But now i can feel the old ways talking again
So how do i tell you that im so far from okay
But happy i can fool you now

I wonder how much longer I can go on like this
When is sick sick enough
I know im not right
I know I need help
But I fight with myself on how bad I really am
In my world 60kg isnt low enough
Whats wrong with 55kg?
Is a day without food guilt enough to have some the next?
Or will I yet again draw that blade across to remind myself that I gave in?
When is enough enough?

How do you learn to breath again?
When ever breath you have taken has been forced
In, out, in, out,
Move your shoulders
Relax your body
Don't let them see
Just how much it takes out of you to even stand

How do u learn to be yourself again?

One of the hardest parts to hide
Is when people ask how I did it,
"Oh you look so great!
How did you do it?"
How do I explain that after dropping 25kgs,
That the way I did it, is not safe.
The I only eating when its been 3 days,
And I'm starting to get to dizzy
And I can't even think when it comes to work.
How do I explain that I have a war going on inside my head
That I told her, and it helped
But almost made it worse
Now I'm lying to her
I tell her I'm eating,
Even when I've lost another 2kgs
I'll tell her I'm fine,
That I'm doing okay
Just as long as she doesn't see my hands shaking
I'll hide my body under over sized tops
And I'll doing my make up just right
So she can't see how tired I really am
For now I'll hide
Because I'm not ready to give Anna up yet.