Awareness
Of the fact that I’m standing only twelve steps away from myself
Feels like a kick to the stomach.
One day I’ll be ready
To step away from my sick thinking
But for now, I’m comfortable in
Avoidance

somewhere overhead
the smaller bear sits
my constant companion

whose trajectory lights up
carries forward my story arc
brings us our own constellation

revolving as sundial shadows
in the darkened doorways
will always ever be in transit

I am no longer anxious
because I have you.
I carry you in my heart,
I feel you in every beat and
all my sorrow
and stress melt
away from this soul.

You only saw dead flowers


                                                where I saw a field wishes.

A prayer to the void... (and the Universe that hates us)
anxiety or anticipation I can't tell which
                            especially when they mix together
they make the night colder and darker

heart pounding until I hear it
my ear drums march to keep up
with it comes the bells, and the warmth in my face
my chest breaks out
I'm allergic to this uncontrollable mess
and the stress... it speaks in riddles
my body doesn't understand the language, so it works harder
I run in circles to slow it all down
(it gets me nowhere)
and the echoes? Reverberating off the walls?
make them sound like they're closing in...

outside I see the chaos, feel it crawling into my skin
scratch till I bleed
the shadows are chasing me and I am [Helpless]
Voices taunting me, color draining from my face
and the world with it
the laughter is torture
everyone knows but me
the ache in my bones tell me so
chains rattling in the walls
so dizzy - but I can't throw up
broken spirits stir up the ice cubes...
a toast? to no responsibility
                      crying and laughing at the same time

Silence is most eloquent.

TOD HOWARD HAWKS

Time is but a breeze
wafting through oak leaves
first green, then yellow,
finally brown and brittle;
a breeze blowing through
her soft, long hair first
brunette, then blonde,
finally grey;  a breeze
lifting swallows high
into blue sky, winged ones
aiming for the sun and
the morning star beyond.

TOD HOWARD HAWKS