Inside my mind I sometimes find a little piece of hope confined,
Confined amongst the chains of woe that struggle not to let it go,
Go and show me why your here,
Here to stand against my fear,
Fear that tries to extinguish me,
Me against the world I see,
See my strength in this defiance,
Defiance I take to create an alliance,
Alliance of strength to continue this fight,
Fight for the things that I often write,
Write my life on papers true,
True am I that calls to you,
You my hope that shines so bright,
Bright enough to give me light.

I sweat when I’m nervous,
Its my trait,
Not by choice,
Anxious,
My fate.

When I’m first to show,
Last or out smarted,
Just the thought of being anxious,
Means that it’s started

Sweats come,
Mouth drys,
Run away,
Want to cry,

Mop my brow,
How,
No tissue,
Big issue,
Some one speaks so I have to react,
Retract,
Will they see me sweat,
Think I’m weird,
It’s everything I’ve ever feared.

Deep breaths,
Need to stop muttering,
Eyes wide,
Don’t start stuttering,
Sweaty pits,
Can you see,
Please no,
Why me,

Wrong colour shirt,
Feel hurt.
Make an excuse,
Need to leave,
Reprieve,
Could say somethings happened,
Terribly bad,
Play the  part,
Look sad.

Say I’m unwell,
They’ll think I’m mad,
They don’t know me,
My bad,
My life
My struggle
Too many feelings to juggle.

Moan,
Feel so alone -  in this crowd
Why am I here,
Fear
Maybe it’s too soon
Too loud.

Deep breath - stay calm,
Happy thoughts,
Sweaty palms,
Run away,
I must not,
...............
I’m only at the bus stop.

I yearn for the quiet to hide my scars,
A cloak of confidence gifted from the darkest corners,
It offers itself from most places-  if you know where look,
The corner of the room,
The back of the crowd,
Or last in the queue,
My mantra is to be unnoticed and uninvited,
I steer clear of gatherings
Crowds unsettle me,
I live for the solace the silence brings,
I learnt long ago that out of sight is out of mind,
You cannot hit what isn’t there,
Or threaten a vacant space,
Don’t get me wrong - Evil still calls,
And when It does you better believe,
I come running like a loyal servant,
This chameleon that I’ve been forced to be -
Brings its own gifts,
Mine is the ability to sense trouble before it occurs,
It’s hidden in the tone of a voice,
The twitch of an eyebrow or the narrowing of the eyes,
It’s my warning to get out - to hide,
Melt into the back ground and avoid the situation,
But occasionally there’s no where to run,
Sometimes there’s no where to hide,
Then I switch to my defences,
Fast thinking to talk about anything to calm the threat,
Showering compliments and promises to appease my master,
All the while watching for those tell tales to heighten.
If that doesn’t work I prostrate myself with apologies and acceptances of guilt,
Anything to avoid the brewing storm.
It works for the most part,
It normally ends in some ****** deprivation,
That’s my ace card,
The one that’s guaranteed to work nine out ten times,
And so it starts again,
It’s the threat of that tenth time that lives within my shadows,
Always hovering on the edge of  everything I do,
Because that tenth time so easily could be my last time,
It’s come close,
This is why I yearn for the quiet,
To hide the scars of my survival,
Living a life in which I want to be invisible,
Isn’t the life I want to live,
But it’s the life I lead,
You can’t help me,
You can’t be there for me,
You’ll never even notice me,
Because I’m invisible.

I hear you,
I see you,
I understand and feel you,

I hear your cries,
I see your pain,
I get it and I feel the same,

I hear the fear behind your words,
And see the hesitation -
   as you speak to other people -
       you hide a layer of trepidation,

I hear you,
I see you,
I understand and feel you,

Your words speak volumes,
You shine from your soul
I understand you feel like your lost in a hole,

I hear you,
I see you,
I get you and it hurts,
Your not alone or on your own,
Please ...... listen to my words,

I hear you
I  see you
I’m not going anywhere,
Save yourself for those deserving ,
They’re the ones who really care.

Turning cartwheels under August’ dusk,
The gentle aroma from the blossoms musk,
The stillness lays the day to rest,
As the sun finishes it’s daily quest,

Time again we’ve bore witness to this,
This beauty of a summers kiss,
Right here under this very tree,
I’ve passionate memories of you and me,

You always said this was the place,
Your absolutely favourite space,
You’d say “Make sure that I’m beautifully dressed,”
“Then under my tree lay me to rest”

So here you are my gentle bird,
My throat is dry and my eyes are blurred,
But your sleeping where you longed to be,
No longer standing next to me.

Nothing will ever be the same,
Never again will you say my name,
As much as I’m glad your finally free,
I’ll never hold you under our tree.

There’s nothing left for me to see,
There’s nowhere else I need to be,
Tomorrow I’ll be there with you,
Because I’ve made sure that there’s room for two.

I’ve cried tears so heavy they left track marks on my cheeks,
And I’ve loved so deeply that Ive lost myself,
That’s my curse my cross to bare,
No half measures,
No messing about,
It’s all or nothing or what’s the point.
I commit to become a conquerer,
Im not willing to be conquered -
I wear my warpaint with pride,
And tattoo my heart on my sleeve for all to see,
I’m not hiding -
Come at me if you wish,
But be sure to finish me,
Because remember - I am cursed,
I play nice but I dance like a devil,
Deserve me and I’ll never desert you,
Love me and I’ll fill you heart forever more,
But the day you disregard me,
I will drive my will into heaven and hell to make sure you regret it,
You won’t see me until it’s too late,
Im not one to turn to despair,
I’ll turn to anger and fill with rage,
I’ll let the hatred consume me until my eyes bleed black joy at  the thought of your whimpering carcass laid at my feet,
This is what it’s like to be cursed,
This is how I handle rejection,
So don’t go there,
Spare yourself my wrath,
If your not up to the job,
Don’t make me your happily ever after.

Hollow *****’s are they that trample over the innocent,
Grabbing for power like only the unworthy would,
Prostituting for perks because they’re willing to get ******,
......................So I used to believe,
Back when I was a naive idealist,
But life shows all sides of the coin,
I have seen first hand and I have learnt,
I have learnt that their empty victory’s still beats my trusted loss,
I toil without complaint,
I’m no saint,
But cross my heart when I say,
I follow the path with a loyal integrity,
Fierce in my fight for respect,
But to what end I ask myself,
When this path has so many shortcuts,
When those who walk on it literally **** on the grass,
Who then cares if my efforts are justified,
Justification is the ******* of the weak,  
It doesn’t keep the lecherous from my door,
It doesn’t give me abundance,
It doesn’t get me anywhere so what’s the point,
When it comes down to it,
when I’m stood at the gates to whatever’s waiting,
When I finally look back on my life,
Will I still be clinging to my misguided morales,
Will they feel good enough to of justified this life of second best,
Do you think the taste of righteousness is as sweet as the treats I forgo,
Or will I look back with pitiful disgust for my time wasted,
Lived in the light of what’s right,
When all along I’m jealous of the fun in the shadows,
I am tired of this ill rewarded propaganda,
There’s no bonus for living a good life,
I don’t want to die poor and bored,
I can’t beat them so why shouldn’t I join them,
I know they don’t write rhymes about me,
They won’t be carving me up in their circle,
They don’t even see me,
Yet their existence ignites me,
Or is it jealousy and disgust at my own weakness,
Why shouldn’t I be on the inside,
When this world stands by its teachings,
Then maybe I’ll stand again,
But for now,
I’m ready to run with the revellers.