I’ve been sitting here for hours. Just staring at this blank piece of paper, without having the slightest clue, what I should write on it. It has never been an issue for me to figure out something to write, I’m amazing pretending and making stuff up that will sound great. But when it’s about you… somehow I freeze. I don’t know how I ended up here - I’m usually not the type to fall in love, but I did. I have no idea what love is, nor how it works. Why do I feel like this? For the longest time I thought, I had reached a state of complete happiness. I lived without commitments, only having to fulfill my physical needs. Never worrying about any sort of emotional attachment. I was happy and confident, but I didn’t realize that something important was missing. I’ve only felt it once before, or at least I thought at that moment of my life, that I felt it. I’ve been broken before, so I made a promise to never get this kind of spiritual and emotional connection, ever again. I went for the longest period of time believing that every emotion of mine was gone. Until you came around. It may not have been the best or the most romantic way we met, but the first time you pulled me tight and kissed me I felt a rush through my whole body and I didn’t want to let go. If I could I would have stayed in that moment forever. Your lips against mine, with your arm holding tight around my waist. I would’ve stopped time in that exact moment.
Whenever anyone asks me if I like you I don’t know what to answer. Not because I don’t know. I just have a fear of being used or hurt again, therefore I have a hard time admitting to possible feelings. But even though I know I will never get the courage to tell you this, I must let it out…
I love you, so deeply. Even though I know our love can never be -

I do not understand this
I do not understand why I do not fit in
Maybe I do not want to fit in?
I am so confused
Confusion turns into sadness
That turns to anger
Anger makes me wanna show the scars
To show how you hurt me so deeply
I do not want to hurt you too
I am not like you
So instead I did what i never thought
I would be able to do
I feel my soul flying over the city
Past all the people that never noticed me
I wonder if they will notice me now?
Probably not
Because I am not worth any attention
I am just another attention seeker
Hurting myself
To make me feel okay
Just for a Little while
Before this goes to far
And I end
To seek peace

Even though you are right here beside me you feel so very far away...
'cause my heart has already left this place - waiting for my soul to take the same pace

Staring at my wall while feeling my pillow becoming a puddle of all the feelings i can't verbalize. They are always there, tearing me down from the inside and out
- as a reflection I leave the scars from my heart on my surface.
It's a cry for help.
I am worthless.
I am nothing.
They pretend to care, they don't think i know, but I do. Because every day I am pretending to smile.
Making it seem like I  want this life.
But i know that it's only a matter of time, before my inner demons takes over my body to make this unbearable pain end