what is wrong and what is right
the world used to be in black and white
but dark seeped in and colors blurred,
and it is impossible to find truth in anyone else's word.

i live my life in grey
i dance on the seams of the ever dimming light
and what i can never appear to understand
is why i am standing still while others around me grow
i think i have it all together
i organize the lines and it put the facts into a pattern
but with my work complete
my tempestuous existence knocks it over
and i feel myself fall right back into the darkness
from which i was trying to pull away

You can look in the mirror,
And like what you see.
You don’t hide, you won’t put up walls.
You have no guilt or regrets to feel.
You don’t make mistakes,
But you still learn.
You are wise, but keep the heart of a child.
You never feel alone,
But you don’t need to be around others.
Your smile lights up the room,
But it stays natural.
Your skin stays flawless,
And you don’t even try.
You have seen no preoblems,
But you aren’t ignorant.
You are loved and wanted,
And still have the respect of all.

You are perfect in every way,
Because you are fake.
You are just in my head.

Perfection is in unattainable,
And yet we are put down when we realize that we have flaws.

We can’t be perfect,
So we should be happy as we are...
Right?

Then how come even when I’m told I’m worth everything,
I don’t feel like anything?

How come when I’m told I deserve love,


I can’t even love me?

Can you feel the wind on your skin?
Can you tell where I’ve been?
I don’t know the way home anymore
Can I go back to who I was before?
Is home still there?
Or  did it fall away like the rest.
I sleep on the streets
I watch people walk by,
As if not seeing the pain in my eyes
Will you look at me?
Will you see past the dirt on my skin?
Can you see through the tears in my eyes?
It’s ok.
You can walk by me like the rest.
It’s alright.
You can pretend not to see me there.
It’s just fine.
You can leave me alone with my pain.
But what would happen if you gave me a hand?
Reached out?
Just passed me that spare change?
It’s normal I guess.
You can just watch me suffer.
You can just walk away.
You can...

But I wish you wouldn’t

Hold me,
Hug me,
I want you here.

Touch me,
Love me,
Tell me you care.

I can’t hold onto you,
Unless you make it clear.

Can’t be all for you,
Unless I know you’ll always be there.

Some days I can’t control me,
Some days I just can’t make it.
I want to run away,
I want to fall.

On those days show me the way,
On those days push me further.
Make me want to stay,
Don’t let me fall.

It’s not easy I know,
But you tell me you love me so,
This is what it takes.
This is what you have to do.
I’m not asking you to do it,
But if it’s real love,
I don’t have to.

I did this bad thing.
I should feel bad, I think.
Guilt should be consuming me, I think.
But there is a problem.
I don’t feel bad.

I did a bad thing.
I should stop, I think.
It’s unhealthy, I think.
But there is a problem.
I want to again.

I stopped.
I should feel good, I think.
I’m healthy now, I think.
But there is a problem.
I also stopped eating.

It’s all good.
I’m eating healthy now, i think.
I’m all better now, I think.
But there is a problem.
Relapse.

Everyday, girls look in the mirror
and don’t like what they see.
Too fat,
Too skinny,
Too flat,
Too ugly.
Caking on makeup like a baker,
They try to cover their imperfections
And who can blame them?
All they have ever seen in the world is negativity
Women are taught they can be strong? Maybe
But most of these “strong women” have gotten there by looking pretty.
Guys cat call girls and give them compliments like “ur hot”
And even if they think it’s nice, it’s really not
Words like these teach women they need to look the part in order to be worth something
That they need to be by the side of a man
After all, what’s a queen without a king
They are hidden from the beautiful truth
Which has affected women all the way down to today’s youth
Women need to see they are worth more than society tells
They shouldn’t be bound to housework and sold from their family to a husband at the sound of wedding bells.
We are strong, without the help of the man
Independent, powerful, anything we want to do we can
So wipe that makeup from your face,
Cause you don’t need it anymore.
You may think you need it to be “pretty,”
But I am positively sure,
You looked way better the way you were before

Today will be cloudy, but no rain
The sky will go dark,
The wind will blow,
We might need to take cover,
But the rain won’t fall.
But the sky still stays dark,
Just waiting for a glimpse of light,
Just holding on until a moment of sun.

Used to be
I used to write all the time.
A pen and paper would help me de stress.
I could block out the world.
I could build one of my own.
I could
But then I couldn’t anymore.
My pen was replaced by two ****** fingers and a broken mind

One last song
One last sigh
Cause sometimes when you’re not around I just cry
I don’t wanna lose you
So I push you away

I can’t show you the pain I feel inside,
I know that you won’t understand.
It will do no good,
To be true to you.

Don’t believe in me you’ll just be disappointed
Don’t remember me cause I can’t have you loving me
When I’m not worth all you have to offer

I’m saying goodbye and it’s better for you
Don’t let me down, go find a better life

I don’t want to have you
For fear I might lose you
So I push you away
Before you get to close,
Before you see the real me,
Before you say love

Invisibility
Some say it’s a power.
Some wish that they could just disappear.
Me, I don’t have to try.
I am not seen,
Not heard,
Not really.
I feel like I am screaming but no one can hear
I fake a smile so no one can sense my fear
The real me inside is drowning, gasping for air
While I act like I’m alright, like my problems aren’t there
No one sees the real me,
Even though I always wonder how it would be
What they would say if I washed away,
All of the fake that all of them see

I’m sorry that I don’t smile enough
I’m sorry that I don’t tell you everything.
I put on a face
But when I’m with you, I can’t hide.
You see through the “happiness”
You see the real me.
YOU don’t make me sad.
YOU are the only one that sees behind the mask.
I can’t lie to you,
Even though I try my hardest.
I can’t pretend with you,
Even though I wish I could.
You know me,
And you won’t let me down.
I’m sorry that when you are happy I make you sad.
I’m sorry that you have to keep helping me.
I forget that you love me sometimes.
I forget that you just want what is best.
I am lost and you are trying to find me.
But maybe it’s been too long.
I can’t lie and say I’m happy,
But I can’t lie and say you can fix me either.

Everything is plastic
Everything is fake
A smile, a sentence
When he says he will love you forever,
It’s a lie
When he says he likes you just how you are,
He doesn’t mean a word
They all want you to change yourself.
They give you promises they won’t keep.
They make you feel special, then leave.
They open your heart just to break it.
Instead of loving you the way you are
They tell you who they want you to be.
Maybe there are good guys somewhere,
But I haven’t met one yet.

We like to pretend we are perfect.
We lie and say we are alright when we know we aren’t. Children cry and people die and people **** every day. And still, we push those things away and try to stay pretty,
Is it because we are unaware?
Or do people simply not care,
That others just like them continue to suffer every day.
How do you watch someone fall,
And not help them up?
How can you see someone torn apart and not try to put them back together again?
You say “I’m fine” and expect others to help out,
But what can you expect when you give them reason to doubt you are kind-hearted, and true?
Maybe you think that is you,
But until you show the world how caring you can be,
You might as well be a terrorist or a criminal.
You need to see that this world needs you the most.
Change it for the better.

I had best friends.
I had positivity.
I had a happy life.
I was hopeful for a bright future.
I felt good...

...But then I didn’t.

Thoughts drifted into my head.
They started small at first,
But soon grew like wild fire.
Choking out the positivity,
The happiness,
The hope,
The good feelings.
All that was left was darkness,
Numbness,
Emptiness,
Loneliness.
All my friends were gone,
Replaced,
By a cold file floor,
By fluorescent lighting,
By *******.

My mom saw me the other day,
I hid my clear teeth,
I hid my broken hands.
I hid my broken secret life.
But what she said to me on the day,
I can’t seem to get out of my mind.
“You used to be an outside girl,”
She said, disappointment in her eyes.
But she didn’t know the hours that I spent, crouched down on a tile floor,
I can’t go outside,
I don’t want to be seen.
I try to stop, but I keep throwing up,
But I keep hiding and denying my pain

I’m not ok, but does anyone care?
I’m not happy, but no one knows.
I can’t run from my past,
But I have tried countless times.
Darkness is closing in on me,
Threatening to swallow me up.
What do I do?
Where can I turn?
I have no one who really cares
There is no one who can hear my cry

I don’t like the word
It has lost its meaning.
Because what I feel isn’t just sad
It isn’t just hopeless.
There is a void deep inside of me.
Every time I feel an ounce of happiness,
A small amount of pride,
I don’t have time to enjoy it before it’s gone
I’m left with a sick feeling I can’t even explain
I want to crawl in a corner and cry
I want to scream at the top of my lungs
I want to open these shattered wings and fly
Away from everything
And then it happens
The hollow feeling turns numb
I don’t care
I don’t feel
I don’t want to live
I don’t want to talk
I don’t want to tell you how I feel
And I sure as hell don’t need you trying to tell me it will be ok
When I know it won’t

Stay away from me.
Try not to talk to me much,
Or you can just ignore me altogether.
Please tell me you will go away

Sorry if you thought I could handle this, us.
The truth is, I thought I could too.
Over these past few weeks I have not been ok.
Plans change, but this does not mean I don't still want you.

Seeing you, it will be hard not to run into your arms.
Telling myself I don't feel anything for you is not working.
Of course I am going to hurt for a while.
Promise me you will at least act like you don't notice.

Pretend that we didn't even happen.
Life can go on for you.
Even if you can't forget me, be happy with the fact that you are free.
Anybody can see, it was not meant to be.
Save your tears, for this is an ending you should have seen coming.
Everybody knows, a broken girl is better off lonely.

Find someone who can love you in one piece.
Ordinary girls will do much better than me.
Remember you are worth everything and nothing can change that.
Give someone else the kind of love you gave to me.
Everything will work out in the end.
That is, for you.

My problems still weigh me down,
Even when I seem like I am over it.

she closed her eyes and counted to ten
Just like momma told her
When she was done, she counted again
And she wished through the tears
Someone would hold her.
She dreamed of a perfect family
While she counted and counted away

1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10
She dreamed of a world
Where brother would come back again
She dreamed that momma didn’t cry
She wished with those tightly closed eyes
That she didn’t wish she wanted to die

Only five years old she hoped to god
One that she didn’t even know
That loud noises could be drowned out
By the numbers in her head
1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10
Wished momma could come back from the dead
Wished her world wasn’t filled with these
Horrible
Horrible excuses for men

They all love her
The way she smiles warms the room
She has it all together.

They all want to be her
The way she can be whatever she chooses
She can change the world.

They all think they see her
The way she turns the other cheek
She always does the right thing.

It’s behind closed doors,
It’s all alone,
It’s where nobody hears.
She screams,
She shouts,
She cries,
She lets the hopelessness of it all set in.

Because what they don’t know is ok.
Because you can only see how broken the home is from the inside.
Because they can think she’s perfect.

So she dries her tears
The way she pulls herself off the ground
She can make it through the day.

ice cold.
she's the girl who sits at the back of the class with a frown on her face.
she's the girl everyone thinks is "too cool" to care.
she's the one who no one gives a second thought to.
they don't wonder.
they don't care.
she acts out just to be seen, but instead she just gets brushed further aside.
she's easy.
she's a *****.
they make fun of her behind her back.
they don't see her other side.
she comes home from the parties late at night.
her hair is in a beautiful tangle, her makeup crazily smeared.
the smell of ***** is on her breath.
she has a distant stare in her eyes.
she walks past her brother faded on the couch.
she ignores his muffles cries.
wants to stop mom being beaten by dad, but knows it won't help
even if she tries.
life isn't a fairy tale, smooth sailing and pretty blue skies.
maybe it is for them.
but for her,
hope fails
and love dies.

Cold, fallen, asleep, dark
Asleep, numb, numb to the pain
Fallen down and given up, hopeless
Cold, stuck frozen solid
Dark, shadows fill the space around you

no one can understand. Does no one try?
You are the outcast
You see things differently
Close the door to the world before they turn their backs.
Don’t get up.
Sink below and go down, fall through the crack

They can’t see you

Do they want to?

Does the whole world exist and go against you?
It’s all in your head.
You’re crazy.
stop letting your mind go to dark places.

Is there love in the world?
Not for you.
Your heart is ugly, your mind broken.
Everything you touch turns cold.

Just relax.
Everything will be ok in the morning.

If you don’t wake up who is there to blame?
Forever asleep now,
The end that was supposed to be the beginning

Dear me,
I hope one day you can wake up and take a breath without wanting to take a blade to your throat. I hope you can make it through a day without tears. I hope when you make plans with friends you don’t spend the whole night wondering if you mean anything to them at all. I hope you can find joy in your favorite things. More than anything, I hope that when you smile, you mean it. I don’t care if you have one friend of one million. I don’t care if you have one dollar or billions. I just hope that one day you can wake up without spending every moment wanting to end the life that God gave you.

7 rhymes in my head
I drank and drank and went to bed
I showed you the path to take ahead
And you left without me.
6 rhymes in my mind
I found a love that was so blind
She taught me all about your kind
But it had me worried.
5 rhymes in my brain
I thought that I was numb to pain
Found sun again that turned to rain
It all went up in smoke.
4 more rhymes left unseen
I thought myself the one to clean
Not up not down but in between
But still I felt unfinished.
3 rhymes left to tell
One last thought went to hell
I found you there with none to tell
You were actually behind.
2 more rhymes two more times
Dollars dollars can’t make dimes
I lost the spirit lost the rhymes
And all was well again.
One last rhyme from me to you
You left me and you were untrue
And I am coming back for you
Not perfect but the best I can do.

When I wake up with you I could wake up dead
When I wake up with him I want to see you
When I wake up with her I miss what you do
When I wake up with them I have nothing to say
But when I wake up alone, I have to pray.

All hope is gone I raise my hands.
I look up when there’s nothing else.
Shreds of fear shine down on me.
Block out my reality.
No will. No love. No blessings to count.
I’m tired of it. I’m done. I am out.

But when I die I’m going down.
I am no saint. I’m not heaven-bound.
Still I can not help but look.
I don’t see the grace or understand the book.

Only the lost can never be free.
I always look for you, but I have not found me.
Let me go and I will stay,
But I need space and need to pay

Beyond here there is a breathtaking sky
A thousand flowers cascading down rolling hills shining with the dew of the morning

Creatures of all kinds dance in the vast forests that stretch as far as the eye can see

A brooke whispers sweet nothings into the ear of a passerby, seducing them to stay a while more

Go and bask in the morning sunshine and let the wind breathe you in
Lie in the Earth and let in embrace you

I will go with you in spirit and there you may feel your soul reaching to the heavens,
But you were made to forge your own path here.

My heart is content with the guidance I have given, and at this very moment I must lay my head
And rest
And dream of the sweetness beyond.

I am not a player in the game
I could tell you exactly what moves to make
But with myself on the line I am blind

I let myself fall and I make bad decisions
I have tried and tried and come up empty
Every move that I make is impulsive

Maybe my place is on the sidelines, watching from a distance.
Maybe I’m meant to watch and listen.
I am a guide, I am not a leader.
I can show you where to go, but I have never been myself.
Maybe this is how I’m meant to be, and I’m okay with that.
But I can’t help but worry that I’m just too afraid to try and be the real me.

Why do you write?
Can you dive deep into the intricacies woven into your Soul by piercing a vain and bleeding your pain into a sheet of paper?
Do you escape into a world where fears vaporize and nothing can destroy tranquility?

**** this ****
I try every day to be the best me and no one sees
Pretending not to want love that everyone needs
Closing my eyes I get lost in my head
I hide and convince myself I’m better off dead
some nights I stay up and imagine another world
Where my parents have the perfect little girl
They would be proud and notice me
And I wouldn’t get lost behind the scenes
Waking up I can finally see
They do have her, but I am not she