It was so long ago
I still remember
The feel of your lips against mine
The taste of your soul
Against my bare heart
Lay down on the ground
Like a holly spirit
I will wash in the sun of your face
Until my mouth doesn't form words anymore
I am a shadow
Following your love
With the tip of my tongue I
March towards the light
Die when I hear your name
In someone else's voice I
Die everyday a beautiful death
Where I lay in the warm sand
And feel the water lick at my toes
Taking my form and adjusting to make me feel whole
But the hole you digged into my chest is deeper
Deeper than a black hole
Deeper than the universe
Washing over me with the force of the waves I
Die a million deaths
To be with you again I
Drown into the sea
Drown into the oceans of the tears I shed
When you told me you wouldn't stay with me
When you told me you didn't love me
Anymore
I am nothing
Anymore
I am not the sun sky universe anything at all I am
A chapter
In the book of your life
Turn the page and I disappear
Once a word carved in stone
Now the past of letters combined together but
I am an ocean
And I seep through the pages
Inking my way down the chapters of your life I
Am alive in your dreams
Your nightmares but I am still

Alive.

Sometimes I try
I swear I try
To be happy
To be carefree
But then reality snaps back
Like the elastic band
Put on their wrists to help them
When they want to cut
And I'm reminded of all the things
That make me sad
Like the hugs I don't get
The kisses no one gives me
The soft words I need to hear so badly
The arm which should hold me close at night
Never have I considered ending my life
But in these times
These lonely times
I remember life is all about love and
Sharing
Things whith those you care about
And I realize
I'm
So
****
Lonely.
My heart is so full of things I want to say
Things I want to write
Things I want to shout
Things I want to sing
Things I want to say
So heavy with emotions
And yet I never pick up a blade because
I own a pen
And I write away to ease the ache
I wish I could be more optimistic
More artistic
Write more, create more, do more
BE more.
But I'm just me
And I am doing the best I can
As I am
Even though sometimes it's hard
Even for me
To open up to myself
And to let myself write down what needs to be said
I want to ink it all down
Until I can't feel my hand anymore
Until my head is empty of
words


(I just wish there was more to say.)

There are few things I regret in my life
But this one thing,
I keep going back to.
I wish I had found a best friend.
Someone who would have seen me evolve into the woman I am now.
Someone who would know all the good, and all the bad in me.
Someone who would pick up on the first ring when I called.
Someone I could talk to about everything.
Someone with whom I would have built an empire of memories.
Someone who would be a recurrent character in the story of my life.
Someone who would be proud of me.
Someone who would unleash all the great and awful things inside of me.
Someone who would appear on every holiday pictures, every year.
Someone who would tell me to cut it out if needed.
Someone I could talk to.
Someone who could talk to me.
Someone I could fight against one minute, and die laughing the next.
Someone I would let read my writings.
Someone I would have no shame around, and who would have no shame around me.
Someone so dear to me I could say "I'd take a bullet for you" and mean it.
Someone who would know how I sleep, and how I laugh, and where I hide.
Someone who would gather me into his arms and say nothing, because he would know.
Someone who would want to look up at the stars with me.
Someone who would know my biggest dream.
Someone who would be there when I make it happen.
Someone I would worship because we would be on a whole different level of friendship.
Someone who would never judge me.
Someone who would make fun of me for my choices, but support me all the same.
Someone I could do all these things for.
Someone I could love and cherish.
Someone who would not be my family.
Someone who would have chosen me just because of me.
Because of who I am.
Because he would have made the decision that I was worth all of it.
Because I would be enough.
Because I would feel like I was enough.
Because he would fill the dark hole in my heart.
Because he would light up a candle and watch over it forever.
Because he would surprise me by being a she.
Because I would not have to wonder what gender he/she would be.
Because I would not have to imagine any of this.
Because it would be Destiny working its magic.
But I guess Destiny did not have me in her plans.

I am trapped in a sea of people looking the same.
A head full of hollow thoughts
I stare blankly at a galaxy
Across a universe to a future that doesn't look anything like the past
An ocean of sadness and emptiness,
Never wavering,
But never moving forward either.
We are heading toward the same nameless goal,
Looking up to the same empty sky with no promises of a brighter tomorrow.
A past made of clay…
We waited too long to move
Now we cannot turn back.
We are prisoners of our own bodies.

Everything is my head is different
Thoughts are formed into words that can't be spoken
Everything in my head is more intense
Explosion of colors and emotions that can't be handled
Everything in my head is younger
Asking lots of questions and wondering why, always why
Everthing in my head is black
Darkness made by years of hurt, loneliness and unrequited love
Everything in my head is colorful
Rainbows of lights that guide me back
Home where my heart always lays
Everything in my head is vulnerable
Hearing and seeing all the things humanity does
The good and the bad
The sad and the happy
I can't handle it all because I feel so much so fast so deep for so long and
I
Can't
Breathe.
*(Help me breathe again).

You tell me it's okay
I should enjoy that
When you bash my head in with a baseball bat
And my skull splits open
With ideas of what a relationship should be
And you step all over my ideals
They turn into blood
And seep through the floor and into the ground
Forever feeding the seeds of violence.

It cannot be hard to fall in love with you.
Your eyes fill my heart with longing, hope, happiness.
I do not know how to be sad when you’re around. Everything smells of Christmas and the ground lights up under the soft touch of your feet.
Looking like a lepreuchaun, by your stance, your enthusiasm, the way you look at everyone like they all matter to you.
You represent the spirit of December.
Your honesty, the way your heart opens up to anyone, so spontaneous and scary... yet absolutely enthrancing.
The way you are everything I am not, the way I dream I could be.
Open, true, real, that’s what you are.
My head is filled with songs of snow, night, stars and lights.
Like walking in the snow under the bright lights on the 23rd of December, when the crowd is out, enjoying the weather with their loved ones, wearing fluffy hats and long scarves.
The coats may be dark, but the faces are flushed, the cheeks are pink, the eyes are bright and shine in the evening.
They shine with joy and excitement.
Just like mine when I look at you.
I don’t need a fireplace.
I don’t need a coat.
I don’t need a hat or some gloves.
I just need to see you believe in me, you believe this is right.
That we are made for this.
Each other.
I need to see the hesitation before you take my hand, the hope I’ll still be here when you open your eyes, as though you were scared I’d fall apart in your touch.
I need to see the slight flinch of your gaze when I hold onto you like a lifeline.
I just need you and your eyes.
Because I am warm in the hope of your eyes.

You once asked me
Would you die for me?
At the time
Yes
Yes I would have done anything
For you
I would have walked into a hurricane
For you
I would have walked a thousand miles into the rain
To reach you
I would have crossed the ocean
For you
I would have died
For you

If you asked me now
Would you die for me?
This time
No
No, I wouldn't do a **** thing
I would let you drown
I would not take my eyes off you
I would smile as you suffocate
And I would be happy
**I wouldn't die for you.

I believe a lot of people lie about liking being alone.
No one really wants to be alone.
It's a way to protect oneself, not a way to live.
It's a statement.
Being alone says:
"I can handle myself, I can take care of myself."
But it also means:
"I have nothing to hold on to.
I have no on to care about.
I am lonely.
I am hiding it, but I need rescuing.
I appear like I seek loneliness
But I am fooling each and everyone of you.
I am only seeking company."

You had me at hello
You had me
You crushed me
You had me and kept me
For weeks on the palm of your hand
Until you were tired
Until she came along
And you forgot I was alive
Forgot I was there
Forgot everything about me
In an attempt to hug her
You spread my blood on her shoulder
From hugging her too tight
And crushing me into the enemy

In the space of two hours the Earth rotated
The moon moved from one side of my window to the other
Yet I am still waiting for you to come to me.
If planets can still move,
If the sun still shines somewhere
If people love and if glass breaks
If she stares at me and realizes I am dying
If I still write and write and write until my mind is empty
If I hear people around me
If laughter is part of someone's routine
If you go out and feel the air around you
If you close your eyes and darkness surrounds you
If the world goes round and the day rises
If it rains and the tears melt on my face
If I can still stand up and walk away
Leaving my heart on the sidewalk
Where you punched me in the gut
Said
I'm sorry
Meant
I need you to never call me again
If I can walk away from the ****** scene
And not collapse
Or drown in my tears
Then perhaps I can still smile
And wave you goodbye
As you walk away.

Your words stain my skin with bruises
Your emotions are painted on your face but
They are forced on my body with
Your fists
Your words
Your eyes
The blood in your breath
The hate in your steps
The destruction you are inflicting on my body
You are one person bruising, destroying another with everything you are
I could have been loved with the same fists, words, eyes, but
I have been bloodied instead, all the way from the
Middle
Of
My
Chest
From my heart to
The
Surface
Of
My
Body
From my blue skin
I hurt everywhere I go
Everytime I move
Your words are stained on me in the worst ways
I can hear them as I bend and twist
I can feel them when I look down on myself
I remember every moment
I remember every hit, every hit, every hit you took on me.
I remember it all and it won't go away
Your words stain my skin with colors and I don't know how to
Stop
Loving
You
Making excuses as you destroy me.
One.
Bruise.
At.
A.
Time.

In between her lips
I hope you found
What you were looking for when you locked your mouth on mine
Harder
What you were searching for when you held my hand
Tighter
What you were asking for when your words hurt me
Louder
What I tried to create for you in my our universe
What I couldn't give you
No matter what I put on the line
Everything
In between her lips
I hope you found
The safe haven I couldn't create for you

Any moment now
Darkness will start
Its slow descent
Into the sky of doubt

No time to lose
No time to waste
Each second spared
Is like a test

Things are so much harder
When all your feelings are bottled up
And you don't know what's keeping them inside
But
You can't get them out
And everything inside you amplifies and hurts ten times more than if you would
Just
Write
But you can't
And you don't know why
It's so hard
Because nothing you want to say comes up and nothing you do feels right
And it's just
So
Hard
To keep on being human
To live like everyone else
You don't feel like everyone else. You feel different. Sadder.
Almost like the only thing that could save you was hiding away from you.
Your writing.
Your love for words is there but your inspiration is

G
O
N
E

It's hidden somewhere
In the depths of your soul
It's hiding from something you haven't yet discovered.
It's hiding well.
You wonder for how long it will hurt.

I am no longer lost
(But I am not found)

What you feel doesn't matter
What you ache,
What you cry,
Is meaningless
Your tears are empty and so is your soul
What is worth a dime is what other people think you feel
What they want you to feel
They ask if you are feeling all right
But they do not want to hear you say
"No."
They want to see a smile on your face
They want to hear you say
"Yes."
So you give it to them
You give them a smile and a nod
They realize… maybe they don't
They move on and the light in your eyes fades
To darkness
A black hole ******* your humanity out
Spitting the useless out.
The dead.

But the dead is alive and so are your feelings

If only they mattered.

Your name on my lips
Is a knife to my heart
Stab my body and reach for my soul
The only blood you will find
Is the ink running down that page
I bled out years ago
From a vicious blow
It doesn't matter
The pain doesn't register
You keep on trying to hurt me
By telling me you don't love me
Believe me when I say I am empty
Nothing you can say will ever wreck me

I believe a lot of people lie about liking being alone.
No one really wants to be alone.
It's a way to protect oneself, not a way to live.
It's a statement.
Being alone says:
"I can handle myself, I can take care of myself."
But it also means:
"I have nothing to hold on to.
I have no on to care about.
I am lonely.
I am hiding it, but I need rescuing.
I appear like I seek loneliness
But I am fooling each and everyone of you.
I am only seeking company."

The last person to touch my lips was you
Three years ago but I still remember you
The ice of your fingers on my skin
And every little detail in between
The moment you looked up
The moment you walked out
And the three little words you never said
Suspended like water drops
In an another universe

I wouldn’t dream of hurting you
                                                              

When all I dream of is holding you

We are invisible
We walk the streets in silence
And you pass us by everyday
But you don't see us

We are invisible
We are a part of your life
We take our

Breaths

The same way you do
We are the homeless
The invisible people
The ones you try to ignore so hard
Whenever you walk by