Turn Off The Lights

Oct 2014

crea

Untitled

Sometimes I check on you-
to make sure you're still here.
And I'm certain you don't know I do,
but I do.

I haven't even seen you in more than a year
and, truthfully, I don't really want to now.
But that doesn't mean I want you dead.

I guess it's because I hurt you, even though I never meant to.

#friend #thoughts #idk #exfriend

Oct 2014

Deviswanto

Ready to Let You Go

Nothing lasts forever
But somehow I still wish it does...

I still remember
How things get started
and
How things fall apart

I still clearly remember
Your voice, your smile, your laugh
and
All of your little things

That's all.

I want to remember it forever,
cherish it forever,
but my heart said *no.

This time, I have to let you go.
All of that beautiful memories,
All of that beautiful times,
All of that irreplaceable things.

We will walk this life together,
but in our own paths.
Not the same path anymore.
You're there, and I'm here.

I'm gonna miss you.
So much...

But again, I tell myself.
This time...
*I really have to let you go...

Turn Off The Lights Oct 2014

You

You are the wind and the sea
You are the sun and the stars
You are everything
When I look around all I see is
Everything reminds me of you I am
Lost in translation
No words can describe
You
Are not a three letter word
Or a sound is someone's mouth
You
Are not a simple pronoun used to be refered to
You
Are the galaxy in my universe
The ray of sunshine on a rainy day
You
Are not an exact definition of the word
You
Are so much more than
You
Do not know what it is like to be
Me
A simple two letter word which is never
A sound in someone's mouth I
Am not recognizable or worthy of attention
I
Am slowly dissappearing into oblivion
I
Am a one letter word never used in any way
I
Am neither one or the other
I
Used to believe I would be a part of
Them
But I do not exist in their eyes
I
Am only a one letter word and
They
Are so much more than I could ever hope to be
You
Can grow one letter bigger but
I
Am to far away from
You
So I cease my useless efforts because
I
Am only a one letter word
Which is never relevant as it is never used
My mouth never opens to make me appear
Behind the mask of silence I hide my name
I
Am not a one letter word but
I feel like an unsignificant piece of life
I
Do not want to disappear but
Who am I?
A one letter word in a silent mouth attached to an invisible soul.

Turn Off The Lights Oct 2014

Instead of running away

You came to me as a stranger
Settled in my heart as a friend
I wish I had hugged you that day
Instead of running away

The contact was close enough for me
Not close enough for you but still
I wish I had hugged you that day
Instead of running away

You let your heart bleed out with love
I didn't know how to cure you but still
I wish I had hugged you that day
Instead of running away

I wanted a love as passionate as yours was for me
But couldn't find it in you no matter how hard I tried yet
I wish I had hugged you that day
Instead of running away

You wouldn't talk to me because it hurt too much
I had no idea how to reverse the evil spell of love but still
I wish I had hugged you that day
Instead of running away

I was desperate to see you again
Hear your voice
See your face
Listen to our hearts beating
Looking out at the stars
Longing to be a part of them
Wondering why your heart had chosen me
Wondering why mine hadn't chosen you

There are a lot of things I have done wrong
But doing you wrong was what hurt me the most
I wish I had hugged you that day
Instead of running away

So I wrote you a letter, explaining why love wasn't in me
Explaining why I could not love you
Why I was broken,
Why I may forever be in pieces
And why no matter how hard you tried to put me back together
You may never succeed to be something else but a friend
Because I did not know how to love myself enough
To let someone else love me

I do not have an excuse for what I have done
And I will never be able to change things
I wish I had hugged you that day
Instead of running away

You drove to my house, knocked on my door
And I knew what you had come here to say
I had seen the glimmer in your eyes
Of hope and courage, the kind a man has to have
To come and pour his heart out to the girl he loves
But I never let you say it.
I hurt you deeper than a bullet wound,
Because I never let the words pour out of your mouth
No the way words are pouring out of me now
Ashamed and guilty for writing down what I had to say
But being too much of a coward to say it out loud
And you had this courage, and I refused to acknowledge it,
Instead leaving you on the porch,
Running away from all the love you had to give me

Please know that I long for it
Please know that I regret it every day
Please know that after months, I still think about you
Please know that I'm sorry for letting you down
Please know that you are my best friend
Please know that I still love you more than I thought I could love someone
Please know that this love is deeper than friendship and deeper than love
Please know that I never knew this kind of feeling existed
Please know that I hurt everyday
Please know that I probably wouldn't be able to change my reaction
Please know that you surprised me
Please know that you scared me
Please know that I'm not used to love
Please know that I love you
Please know that I am not in love with you
Please know that I never wanted to hurt you
Please know all the things I've been meaning to tell you
Please know that I wish you knew I wrote this poem

Please know that I wish I had hugged you that day
Instead of running away

Turn Off The Lights Oct 2014

The way I like my men

I like my men like I like my coffee
Strong and dark
Hot and silent
Now go away I
Like my coffee like I like my ***
Strong and dark
Hot and silent
Now go away I
Like my men like I like my ***
Strong and dark
Hot and silent
Now please stay I
Am just a shell made of superflus things
I am a bean of coffee that hasn't been discovered
I have a different flavor I
Am not like every bean I
Am whole and raw
New and scared I
Am a woman that hasn't had a chance to bloom yet I
Have not passed the stages of life like the others I
Have not been taken on a date
Or gotten a real first kiss I
Have been used for *** by people who did not care I
Thought no one would ever want me I
Let myself be used because I was too scared
To wake up and realize I would wait my whole life I
Am insecurity itself
Hiding behind the awful shield of over confidence and disdain
I am a ****** in love I
Have no idea how good love could feel as I have never felt it I
Ran away and I am terrified to fall in love I
Have been used as a ****** object I
Let myself believe this was all I was good for and I
Don't know pleasure or trust or kindness or love or care or passion I know
Hard and strong
Hot and silent
Sad and terrifying
Guilt and shame
Fear and loneliness I
Am a master at hiding away
My emotions I
Don't know how to feel good I
Have not been taken on a date I
Have never gotten a real first kiss I
Don't know how to make love in a world where everyone has experienced it I
Am a abomination I
Don't know how to let people in because of their expectations I
Am expected to put out and enjoy it I
Am expected to be okay with hands touching my body I
Am expected to know what to do I
Am expected to know how to give and receive I
Am a child I
Am a shaking thirteen year old I
Don't know what butterflies in my stomach are and I
Need someone who understands I
Can't be treated like every other girl I
Am a shaking fourteen year old I
Don't know what lips against mine feel like I
Have the emotional drive of a toddler I
Need to be explained everything and I
Need to be shown how to walk I
Can't be expected to be a twenty year old I
Have the ****** drive of a plant I
Don't know how good it could be or
How anything works I
Need to be watered everyday before I can bloom I
Need the pressure to be a ****** object to stop I
Don't know how to cope with any of the hormones rushing my brain I
Want things like holding hands to be a huge step I
Want things like the brush of his lips on my forehead to mean the world I
Can't skip any steps I
Am a toddler and I
Can't be expected to run before I can walk I
Have done horrible things to myself and now I
Want to start over but
How would this ever work in a world so focused on ***.
I want my man like I like my blanket
Warm and secure
Hugging me all night to keep the nightmares away
Soaking in my fears and protecting me from the monsters under my bed I
Am only a child.

Turn Off The Lights Oct 2014

I knew a man once

I knew a man once.
Tall, dark and joyful, he always knew how to make me smile.
I broke his heart and realized I'd broken mine as well
But it was way to late,
Way to late.

I knew a man once.
He wasn't anything I was looking for.
He was nothing I knew, nothing I thought I'd like,
And yet here I am, writing a poem about him because my heart hurts alone.
I could spend hours alone with him, just the sound of our voices in the air,
Just the sweet sound of our heartbeats beating together in harmony.
We were oh so different, yet we got one another,
And I let him get away.
I was afraid of finding the One after eighteen years on this planet, so I pushed him away.
He kept coming back because he knew what was best for us, and I pushed him away.
One day he decided he'd had enough, of me, my attitude, my rejection.
He cut it all out. He deleted me out of his phone and out of his life,
And I got to watch each day as life passed by without the voice I craved to hear.
I missed everything about him.
I missed his voice, his warmth, the way he held me close, the way he made me laugh, the way everything about us felt right.
He made me a better person, a real one.
I got to discover who I really was thanks to him. I liked who I was with him, and yet I pushed him away, and now he's far to gone, and it's far too late,
Far too late.

I knew a man once.
He poured his heart out to me,
He told me how he felt about me,
And I couldn't get my head right,
So I pushed him away, and now it's way too late,
Way too late.

I know a man now.
He told me I taught him a lesson,
And I wish I could prove him wrong.
Not every girl runs away from happiness, not every girl will make the same mistake I did.
He won't talk to me, won't acknowledge my existence, because I let him out of my life, and no it's too late,
It's still way too late.

Turn Off The Lights Oct 2014

Missing In Action

I have been reported MIA
Since the day you took my dream away
I have been wandering around the desert
Hoping for water, for a saviour
I hadn't noticed
How things work
That when you push me over the edge,
The only way to stay alive is to count on myself.

I have been reported MIA
Since the day you ruined it all for me
Playing with my head, twisting my life away
You looked at me and turned away
Not believing for a second I would hold on
And hold on
And hold on
Until my arms pushed me up
And I finally got back up on my feet

I have been reported MIA
Since the day you left me hanging
Running away as fast as I can,
Creating a gap as wide as the world,
Hoping from far away you couldn't destroy me
Guess I was mistaken
For every night you twist me more and more,
Not a lot, just a little, playful little thing
Waiting for the moment it will happen

And I will explode
In a millions pieces
Sending into space
Moments of my life
Boring into Mars
Flashing through Jupiter
Heading toward Platoon,
Rushing away from Earth,
Craving myself a place on the moon and the stars
Hoping for tomorrow
Hoping it will never come
Hoping I get to see it
Hoping It's not to late
To
Gather
All the pieces of me
Scattered around the Universe
Little me,
Scared,
Helpless,
Confused,
Lost in the middle of the Galaxy.
Little me, holding on
And on…
And on…
And…