I gazed upon a bed
of trampled weeds
and early blooms;
their bodies crushed
and soft white petals
wilted to the ground
For them,
fear was their only sound
A few brave stems,
wavering in an effort to stand tall
desperately helping
the others to not fall,
dripped of strength and courage
I swayed fearlessly
with them in the softest breeze
as a new rain sprinkled
them with hope

It is for them that I pray tonight

.
                                      fu
                      ­           u   fu    u
                                c     fu      c
                               k       f        k
                              f       u  c       f
                             u       k   f       u
                              c       u  c       c
                               k      k  f       k
                                 f       u       f
                                    u    c   u
                                          k

"It happened eight months ago. You should be okay by now. It isn't an excuse." I'm told after admitting I don't have the drive to really do anything anymore. I really wasn't trying to use it as an excuse.

Today I was going for a run,
It was beautiful out. The sun was hitting the trees in such a way that I would never be able to capture fully with a camera.
I had just gotten back from a family party.

I was thinking about it, who I saw, what went on, something was missing, someone was missing, suddenly I was not running anymore.

I was crying. I was hunched over trying to compose myself. I began to panic.

The words from his note, "I'm sorry" flashed in my head like police lights. What could I have done? I asked. There was nothing you could do. I told myself.

Each realization hit me like a bullet. Memories flooded into my mind. Just short beautiful moments.

I tried to push them back so desperately. I want to save them. I do not want to wear them out to the point where one day I will not be able to remember the crinkled eyed smile I loved so much.

I tried to catch my breath. It was no use. I couldn't.

I haven't been able to since September. I don't feel like I will ever be able to.

Almost eight months ago my grandfather took his own life and I'm told I should be okay. I'm told I should be able to go about my life normally.

"Okay." I respond.