It is so easy to say "I will stop"
But when you actually try to,
It is so much harder.
So hard to not go rely on something during your bad times,
That makes you escape things for just a little bit.
Gives you a relief like this is the only thing that can save you,
Which at the time ,
It is the only thing .
Always thinking about it,
And wanting it
And just wishing you could do it
Everyday
Every hour
Just wishing that you were able to escape everything  with this
One piece of metal.
And during the time that you are
Struggling
People are around you saying
"You can do it"
"You are strong"
"Do other things"
But it isn't that easy!
Not many people get that..
-te

being used so much
I melt every time I feel your touch
it is hard to resist
when I feel so wanted
in your arms you are holding me
I wish we never started
this needs to stop.
-te

It's not possible for someone to love a girl like me
Who is not able to see
Anything in her future
Or what is in store for her.
A girl who relies on a blade for a glimpse of happiness
And cries herself to sleep every night.
A girl who picks out every one of her flaws
Expecting to never get an applause.
So mentally unstable it is so hard for her to function
And to live life to the fullest
Without overthinking everything
Her mind full of nothing.
How could someone ever love me when I am so empty..
-te

Doing something so horrible to myself
Is meant to be kept a secret
To not be seen
But at the same time
If someone every does see
I don't want them to question
I don't want them to freak out
And if they ask if I am okay
And I said yes
I want them to hold me and say they know I'm not
I want them to be able to not look at me any differently
I want them to accept that these are just my battle scars
And I am trying to get better
-te

I just want to die
I could never **** myself but honestly I don't want to live anymore and I could careless if I did die. I used to be scared of death but I guess once you have reached rock bottom you realize that you just don't want to live in this cruel world anymore. I have reached rock bottom, I have Hit an all time low. I have to cut myself to feel better! That means something, I don't know how to handle my own emotions anymore, I can't go a day without feeling in a bad mood no matter where I am or who I'm with. I could be with my best friend and having fun whatever, but all of a sudden I get in a bad mood, I just wanna cry and feel better. I know I overthink too much because I feel like I annoy people with this too much and  that they are just getting bothered by it and want me to just get better so I stop bothering them about it. I wanna get better, that is all I'm asking for, is getting better and knowing that my life won't be as miserable as I think it will be. I dont want to go on meds, I don't want to cut everytime I feel down.. I just want this mood to go away, but my overthinking about all my stupid flaws on how I'm so ugly and fat and that I have no ambition in life and how no guy could ever like me because of all these things, doesn't make things easier. And no one can make me feel different about them either which is really hard. My life isn't bad.. Which makes no sense why this is happening to me, I just need to find out the reason. It so hard to, no one gets that, my mom thinks that I know the reason but just not saying it, why wouldn't I say it?! I want to get better, does no one realize that. Just because I'm not able to stop cutting for a long time does not mean I don't want to get better, it just means I'm not as strong as I thought I was. Just because I don't wanna go to counselling every week doesn't mean I don't want help I just don't want to talk to a different person everytime and just hear the same things over and over again. I just want to get better and tbh at this rate , I don't think I will be.. So I just wanna die and not many people will care anyways .

when they ask why
I back away, not wanting to answer
when they ask what I use
I back away even more, ashamed
when they tell me to stop
I yell back at them
when they cry
I cry too
they think it is so easy
the thought of stopping makes me feel queasy
its hard
to let go of something that made you feel so
alive
making everything go away for that moment
relieving me from feeling so broken
when they tell me I need to stop
when they tell me I can't give up
when they tell me I shouldn't disappoint them again
when they tell me I can overcome this..
I back away and do it again.
-te

I stopped for 4 days..
That is pretty good
I got the urge so much
But resisted at the best I could
I broke today and feel horrible about it
Horrible for getting so low again
Not telling my friends
Getting to the point where I couldn't continue
I broke
-te

mind going blank
no thoughts
no feelings
just numb
all around
staring off into space
not controlling my body
anymore.
everything is gone
and over.
-te

I feel like I'm drowning..
drowning in my own sorrow.
the waves are too harsh
pushing me back
lower and lower
til' I drown
drown in my sorrow
my sadness
choking on all the hurtful words
burning sensations of the scars
the sorrow filling up in my lungs
until...
I can't breathe!
-te

I
wish
I
was
d
e
a
d


-te

everything was fine
what changed your mind?
I wanted to see you
but I guess I'm just too blue
for you to handle all the time.

you made things so much better
and made them go away
what can I do to make you stay?

I am sorry for bothering you 24/7
I just want to go to heaven
no one else could see that
or understood
but I knew you could.

I just wish I knew why..

-te

You
Are
my*
guilty pleasure
-te

you honestly make me feel amazing
I tell you what I do when I break down,
and you don't judge.
You told me that you would always be here and that you'll help me get through this step by step
thank you so much for that.
It is making me more confident that I will get better.
You are the one who told me to actually get help
and I did!
thank you so much for that.
I know for a fact that you will help me get through everything and you will
catch me when I fall.
We will be there for each other
thank you so much for that
-te

Thoughts take over
Tears fall down my face
cut
cut
cut
"I'm doing it again, I don't know what to do..help me!"
"Just try to forget about what's bothering you!
cut
cut
cut
"Its not that easy"
"Well stop what you're doing! It doesn't make things better"
"To me it does.."
cut
cut
cut
"I find what you're doing nasty and pointless,just do something to get you're mind off of it. Talk to someone!"
(I'm trying to talk to you but you find what I'm doing nasty..thanks for the help)
cut
cut
cut
"I stopped"
"Good,don't do it again"
I can't promise that..
-te

someone who can take care of me,
through all these emotions,
like the rough and calm waves of the ocean.
through thick and thin,
before my head starts to spin.
see me at my worst
and be able to take care.
care of me and my fragile skin
not be annoyed from my mood swings
and give my heart wings.
-te

I don't want to fall for you just yet

I don't know if I'm ready to put all my trust into someone
someone new.

I don't know if I'm ready to open up my heart and soul to someone
someone new.

I don't know if I'm ready to deal with another heartbreak because of someone

Someone new that likes me
-te

I love music that numbs my brain
makes me forget about things for a while
seems better that way

smile**
forcing that smile throughout the day
once I get home
the tears pour
pour like a waterfall
how am I able to cope
I want to go elope
off somewhere
where no one can find me
where no one is
let me leave
let me escape from all this
misery
im dying here
dying inside this world
I want help
I need help..
I don't want to be here anymore..
-te

im crying
im hurting
im sad
im tired

im crying
so much
im hurting
everywhere
im sad
non-stop
im tired
of everything

-te

Kissing someone is magical
Its like your lips have a mind of their own
When becoming closer to the other person
Your lips scream and crave for them
Making it harder to resist
Once you've touched the other person
Your lips start to get excited
Moving like crazy
Your tongue wants some action
And joins the fun
Its all just a globbery mess from all your saliva but
No one cares
Because your lips
And tongue
And their lips
And tongue
Are too excited to stop
That's when our bodies get out of control...

I could never **** myself
too scared of death
or maybe im not...

I couldn't do it myself
but I wouldn't mind dying
seeing if things are better on that side
not having to worry about anything
the judgment,
the stress,
the fear of
EVERYTHING.

I could never **** myself
but
sometimes I wish I was in a car accident
sometimes I wish I was just injured.

I could never **** myself,
but I wouldn't mind dying right now.
-te

feels like this whole week I have been like this
sad
crying
frustrated
headache
pain
loneliness
fear
what is going on...

Horrible.
This is horrible.
How could I not stop myself from kissing you?

I got my unanswered questions
Answered.
I love that.
But this is horrible.

Horrible how I fell back in your arms
Horrible how I can't stop myself
-te

why do you come back to me 2 months later..
why do you ask if I miss what we had?

I know you miss the things we did..
the pleasure it gave you.

I know you're just lonely,
you can find anyone else, am I right?

why do you decide to come to me..
when you're the one who ended things so abruptly?

Just don't.
Please don't make me talk about how I felt..
how much I liked you.

Just don't.
Please don't make me the bad guy here..
because I'm not.

Just don't.
Please don't make me feel like I can go to you about anything..
when we both now I cant.

If you're here for me now, where were you when I actually needed you.
If you say how you missed me and the things you did, why did you wait this long to say it.

Don't
Make
Me
Want
You
Again.
-te

I let it all out to a stranger tonight..
its helpful.
there are more tears
but
that's okay.

I wish we didn't have to cry
To let go of emotion
To show our sadness
(or joy)
I wish we didn't get sad at all..
-te

Psychosomatic Illness  


1.  Of or relating to a disorder having physical symptoms but originating from mental or emotional causes.
2.  Relating to or concerned with the influence of the mind on the body, and the body on the mind, especially with respect to disease

a.k.a. thinking I am mentally sick can actually make me become mentally and physically sick.

is this what has been happening this whole time..

cried so much last night
over 2 hours
in my room.
lips quivering trying to stop it
closing my eyes
trying soo hard.
sister walks in
starts talking
I do one shake of the head and there it is..
the tears.
the tears that have been held in for too long
the tears that started for no reason
trickling down my face
forcing myself to smile
makes it worse
people saying "I hope you feel better"
makes it worse
so close to balling my eyes out in 2 of
my classes
today
held it all in.
just keep telling myself
"Keep it in.."
but
Its okay to not be okay
-te

why did saying I was getting better
make me feel so
happy?
Im not getting better.
I think im getting worse.
maybe saying it made me believe I was
but im not
someone
please
help

I
am
getting
better!


Hallelujah!

maybe I talk to guys more then girls
because
they actually listen
they are sweet-talkers and know how to
turn my frown upside down
they're good listeners and help everything.
and I just
don't
want
my 'girl'friends
to
**worry..

parents don't understand what society is like nowadays.
the hypocrites
the back stabbers
the way people treat each other is horrible
I actually want to cry thinking about it all
please
don't
make
me
go!

on  Wednesday I have to go to school for pre-registration
I just want to
shoot myself
seeing all those people again.
happy smiles on their faces
having to face those certain people I happily avoided all summer
I find out whos in my classes
I find out who I will be sitting next to while being taught a lesson
school really brings me stress
just knowing I have to deal with all the judgement all over again is torture
it wouldn't be so bad if there was no one there
this generation is horrible
criticising everything you do!
no wonder some people avoid going to school some mornings.
I would too.

I guess I'm just obsessed with listening to
sad music late at night.
Helps the tears come down.
Helps the thoughts to take over.
Helps me feel worse about myself.
-te

I
j u s t
w i s h
I
c o u l d
t e l l
y o u
a l l
m y
t h o u g h t s
-te

one of those nights I lay here wide awake
where everything just aches
thinking about the world
and all of its mysterious questions
lately its like everything swirled
into new directions.
not enjoying the change
its all too strange.
making my view not very lovely
when things used to be seen so beautifully
now its all dull and grey,
a blur, even on the best of days.
a smile appears quite often,
fake or real,
its important
to know how I feel.
-te

I think I should stop picking out all my flaws
because that is what breaks me down.
I think I should stop picking out all my flaws
because that is what ruins me.
I have cute freckles,
but lots of acne.
I have some nice curves,
but I am fat.
I have nice nails,
but my hands are chubby.
I think I should stop picking out all my flaws,
but that is impossible
-te

what do you do when you find out
your first love,
the one you love
doesn't love you anymore.

what do you do when you find out
that boy that cares about you so much
way too much,
does it to every other girl.

what do you do when you find out
the ones you think love you,
cherish you
just pretend to get what they want.

what do you do when you realize,
how stupid you were
how very stupid
to fall for such bad boys.

-te

im having a fresh start
starting everything over.

forget about the past
from the horrible mistakes
and terrible heart aches

the crying over dumb relationships
end with one kiss from your soft lips

I've realized im not a ****
im not  a *****
im just a girl who likes lots of boys

no more dating
no more hating

I will live how I want to.
listen to my friends whenever im blue.

im having a fresh start.
starting everything over.
-te

if i could just see you for one day
a whole day to see your face
what would i say?
would i tell you how i think about you day by day?
or how you always made me feel like i was in the right place.
would i tell you how i compare everyone to you
and its so hard to go through
would i tell you how my body and heart aches
because of all of those dumb mistakes
would i tell you that i thought you were the finest
bringing my emotions to a high with your kindness
would i tell you that i know i wouldnt be able to funtion without you in my life
i've even dreamt about being your wife
all of these things i want to tell
but here i am back in my shell
back in where im too scared
very unprepared
while my lips spread apart
i say"maybe we can have a fresh start"
-te

i dont get why people talk to me? im so anti social. i may be nice or friendly, but once i think we're good friends and i try to hang out with just me& you or just text you, i know you'd rather be doing something else then talking to me because i **** conversations. i'd rather sit by myself then have to carry on a conversation. i dont have any ambition, i've made so many mistakes. i try to make things right but nothing works. no talent, no grace. i dont get why people call me their friends or enjoy talking to me, because i wouldnt. yes, some nights i need that 1 person to just talk to, but even though i hate messaging first, i still do it. even though i know the conversation wont last long after that, i still continue to press send. the dumb stuff i've done and been through is crazy. im not surprised how i lost a ton of friends. i feel like everything needs to be about me, some histrionic **** thats what it is. i cant deal with this. now that i know, it actually bothers me even more.

some days I watch those tv shows or movies that have some cute but sappy love story in it. I always think to myself, I wish that could happen to me. for my relationships to be perfect. I realized relationships arent perfect at all! everyeone argues, and disagrees. everyone has some issue, but usually couples are able to fix that. there is always the "i guess it was meant to be" or " theres other fish in the sea" I feel like I have said those lines way too much for a 14 year old. I think back at all my relationships and even though I say I regret some, i shouldnt because at the time that person made me feel happy, special, and just made me feel good. I think back at my relationships and they were horrible. They were horrible because of me. I was the problem. The horrible problem. Im not pretty enough. Not skinny enough. Dont talk that much. Well sorry I have acne, like to eat and very shy. Im trying to work on those things and I guess no one is able to see that. I think about my past relationships and go through them one by one. part by part. to see why it ended, why that person couldnt be my soul mate. some were that we hardly talked, it was awkward, he liked other(better) girls, I just wasnt good enough. Most of them was my fault. I've been through the dumbest relationship problems, and now its effecting me. now it is really getting to me, and I truly wish I could go back in the past to fix everything. To fix my broken heart. To not put it out there so much so it could get hurt. I think about my relationships in the past and then I look back at that one. The only one who I liked through everything. who never left my side either we were together or best friends. the one who had issues himself but still put me first. who made me feel like a better person, and the most beautiful. the one i trusted the most and couldnt live without. where is he now? he is off, doing his own thing, moved on. why do i still think about him? because I love him. i love him so much, no matter what. He knows. Nothing has happened for about a year now, and Im guessing nothing else will. He'll be over at his school, dealing with his own problems, with his best friend. Me at my own school, trying to deal with everything happening around me.Now because all of these dumb relationships, I just try to find someone who doesnt care about all of that and just likes me now. doesnt like me for love and relationship, but likes me for what i do. I can flirt, talk and kiss him all he wants. both of us missing two different people and since we're not able to see them we just use each other for what we want. I hate to say it. to say that im friends with benefits with someone, but its just come to that. i hate to acknoledge it. to acknowledge that my first love has moved on, and im just here, slowly getting away.

why does it hurt so much?
I guess its the feeling of
being alone again.
not being able to see a happy face
a face of someone I adore
I adore so much that I do so much to impress
all for what?
a hug
a kiss
a few laughs
or the fact that , his
face
hugs
kisses
laughs
are the only thing that makes me feel
wanted
special
beautiful
most of all..
safe
-te

theres love in my eyes that no one is able to see, i dont think anyone is able to see the despaire i have inside of me i try and try to  let it out but nothing works except crying just balling my eyes out it feels better like im refreshing my screen, or talking to  people who are actually there to help, with helpful words that help with the tears just makes me feel better in the end i dont know how to explain the feeling to certain people because a lot of them dont understand it maybe i just feel the need for attention so im forcing myself to feel like this..i have no idea. those thoughts i have of "i wish i was sick or hurt so people would notice me or see me or at least pretend to be my friends" i hate the fact that some days i can be off in my own world in this mood that just sweeps over me and starts tearing me apart piece by piece and then i just sit there in silence eating my lunch with friends all around laughing and smiling and having a good time or even a bad day but they seem to make themselves happy again with a fake smile that almost everyone brings along with them. but instead i forgot mine and i just sit there thinking of all the things, maybe thinking of that stupidness that i want myself hurt so people would notice me more, or  just maybe people will notice how i look today and they'll ask or wonder and i'll be able to tell them all about it and they can help or relate or just say a few words to put a smile on my face. but then the fear comes back..the fear of what if they dont care? what if they get annoyed..that big fear too its like how do i get the attention i want when its hard to . i think now i should nust continue getting all the help and advice and support i need from friends because thats the only thing going to help me keep going.

friends
with
benefits*
three words
means two lips
always
together
means hands everywhere
touching
skin
means a lot
no
emotion
means
n o t
r e a l
-te

that one love
I cherished
that one love
I miss so **** much!
everything about him
that one love
I love so deeply
so uncontrollably
it just
h u r t s
-te

sometimes I wonder about
e v e r y t h i n g
it hurts my brain
making me go insane
trying to release this
pain
it produces
even more excuses
come out of my mouth
more lies
faint cries
teary eyes
all because of what?
e v e r y t h i n g
-te

can all of this please just stop
the tears
the anguish
the thoughts
I need everything to just stop
I want everything to be
normal
-te