I wish I was in love
and to have them love me back
I wish I could send them "good morning" and "good night" texts
I wish I could spam them with videos
I wish I could hold their hands
I wish I could hug them, kiss them, laugh with them
I wish I wasn't so lonely
I'm always told that I need to love myself before I can truly love someone
but how can I love all my rough edges and sharp thorns
how can I love someone like me
I can love others
I don't see their flaws or if I do, it makes them perfectly imperfect
I see all my flaws and shortcomings
I can love the whole world if need be
but I don't leave any for me
I don't feel myself worthy of love
But I wish I was in love
I could love them
and cherish them
I wish they would love me
and cherish me
and accept that I am not a girl
it sounds like a fantasy
it seems nothing like the harsh reality
the harsh reality of loneliness and abandonment and heartbreak and transphobia

what is love
how does someone
open themselves to love another
I don't know if my heart
can handle anymore
vulnerability
how does one love healthily
I only know how to idolize someone
to think they can do no wrong
that they're perfect
I'd do anything for them
then to hatred in the blink of an eye
everything they do is wrong
they're the same as trash
I don't want to see them ever again
why do I switch between
idolize, hatred, idolize, hatred
so on and so forth
until one day
I feel nothing towards them
I don't hate them
but I don't idolize/"love" them
I think I must be broken
if I cannot love
or even know what love is

The art of connection is not by chance.
More of investment and less of dance.
Follow this guide, to a T, to have a chance.
For connection or romance.


Step 1
   Two people meet who identify potential.
   Potential advertisements successful.
   Interest of purchase, the game is on.
   Time for negotiation.

   “This is what I want, and this I see in you
   we could be magnificent, do you see it too”?

Step 2
   The two parties state their terms.
   What I want, need, now you, take turns.
   This is what would make it happen for me,
   what I would need for ease and harmony.
   Lists categorised by priority.

   Lists of what would hurt as ****, if you agree?

Step 3
   Comparison of wins and gains and risks and pains
   in our now well documented passions.
   Stated clearly in the contract, attachments,
   terms and conditions.

   Does the potential magic outweigh the discomfort?
   Knowing all, would you be a suitable consort?

   Not free of flaws, just flaws matching mine.
   The positives showing potential, long term growth,
   and something less tangible. A sign?

Step 4
   Consideration of the terms for the exchange.
   Feel free to bring in outside counsel,
   all normal, nothing strange.

   “***, I think they like me”?
         “Do you think he even cares”?
               “I don't know if she is ready”.
   Doubts like this no longer stand a chance.

Step 5
   Place fourth what you'd be willing to invest, on the table.
   Be careful not to place more than you are actually able.

Step 6
   Potential trial runs, if stated clearly in the terms.
   Experience the chemicals of connection
   and see if trust can be earned.

   Did reality meet expectations?
   Where there all the right sensations in our relations?
   Giving passion a chance in this well structured test.

   With everything now on the table,
   are the parties ready to potentially invest?

   Any last warnings to heed?
   Excellent, I believe we are ready to proceed.

   The parties gather for progression
   as it is time for

Step 7
   An agreement is reached at last.
   Taking into account all that has passed.

   The details have been discussed.
   “Yes, Christmas with my family is a must”.

   Will they walk their separate ways,
   or will the fires of romance be set ablaze?


The beginning of a great love story,
with nothing lost and potential true connection won.
If you just follow the steps in investment 101.

Your disease pushes people away
while you try to grasp them all the harder
with querulous tone and haranguing words -
your paranoia knows no bounds
and bulldozes through all my good intentions.
When will the light begin to glimmer in your brain
that people can love you
without you trying to force it ?

Big beautiful face
Bursting with color
Earth's shining star captured in a flower
spreading smiles in alI directions
Gently waving in the slight summer breeze
With warmth and invitation
To enjoy this moment in the sun