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kei May 2017
this isn't a poem, I just wanna let my feelings out since i dont have anyone to talk to, or anything where I can open up and let it all out. When I post something like this on fb or twitter, people who'll see it will just react and call me names like attention seeker, fame ***** and suchs, they'll just say that I'm over reacting, or that i'm too dramatic, or emo so I decided to just post it all here. Tbh, I seriously hate myself right now. I don't know. I want to cry, but I can't. There are just times when I'm alone and I tend to overthink. Think about the past, the present, the future, all the awful things I did that I really regret. I just feel anxious some times. I feel like I'm a failure as I think about all those things cause I ****. I **** at everything. I'm ugly, I'm lazy, I'm not smart, I'm stupid. So stupid that I even failed our exam at Values Education. I'm not good at sports, I'm not good at arts. I don't even have any talents. Not dancing, not singing and especially, not writing. I try too hard to write to make a good poem or story but the outcomes were just simple trash. Writing those things down, I felt even more depressed because I badly want to become an author who write beautiful poetries. I want to make a wellwritten poems and stories but well, I'm stupid. I'm a *******. They said no person in this earth are created without purpose. God created everyone with purpose and reason to live, but the question is, what's my purpose? clearly I have none. I'm stupid and talentless. I failed at everything. All the things I love to do, singing and writing, I **** at those things. What am I gonna do with my life? What's my purpose? What should I do? I don't know. I have no idea. Maybe I was created to watch people live their lives, overcome their fear and struggles while I sit on the corner, alone in a cold dark room, letting my anxiety and depression slowly eat the inside of me while desperately wishing to die. I feel like something's missing. I'm so ******* sad and empty. What ***** even more is that i feel like i dont have the right to feel it. I feel like, I have no right to feel anxious and sad. I feel like I'm not allowed to feel those things because there are more people in this world who have it worst than me. My family isn't abusing me, sure we face some problems, financial to be specific, I mean we're not poor, but we're not rich either. I hear 'em fight sometimes, but they always find ways to make things up. I also don't experience bullying, idk i just feel like i have no reason to feel depressed yet I still feel it. I hate the feeling of it, but I cannot stop feeling it. I'm such a mess. I'm so ****** up that even I can't understand myself. I don't want to feel these things anymore but I don't know how to make it stop, I tried to tho. i tried to feel happy but still, something's missing. It's like a puzzle with a missing piece that you cannot find, You tried to look almost everywhere but still can't find the piece.

i felt a bit relieved for saying those things out, from now on, this will be my personal dia
kei May 2017
Once upon a time
A girl who looked just fine
glanced at me and smiled
I called her "The Girl with a genuine smile"

One fine morning
She woke up in mourning.
But she tried to stop herself from crying
instead, wiped her tears and started smiling

She greeted everyone with a smile
But, If you look at her closely in the eyes,
You'll realize that it was all just a lie.
The girl with a genuine smile.

Days have passed,
She's still the girl with a genuine smile.
Her lips might tell you that she's fine
But her eyes were telling otherwise.

She may be able to smile and laugh all day
But as soon as she went to bed and lay,
Her 'happiness' turns into 'sadness'
For, every night, she cries because of the madness.

She again, looked at me with a smile.
Even tho all she wanted was to cry
She was trying to keep it all inside.
Afterall, she's the girl with a genuine smile.

Dont let her pretty smile fool you.
'Cause the truth is, the girl with a genuine smile,
Is actually the girl who just fakes a smile.
And It was all just a lie...

She pretends to be okay,
So that there's no need for her to explain.
She still managed to flashed a smile
She's so strong for smiling even if she's not fine

With tears streaming down her face,
she looked at me and started sobbing,
and that's when realization hit me...
How come I didnt see?

It was me, the girl with the genuine smile.
I was also the girl who fakes a smile.
And lesson learned, Dont be fooled by a person's smile.
Tho, some look genuine but most are just for pretending.
I wrote this when i was still young so excuse le grammatical errors and typos and some misspelled words

— The End —