How did I get so cold?
Smile and laugh as friends,
then in silence wonder
all alone.

Is there safety in troubled  solitude
or only sadness?  

Cognitively dissonant,
I trust you
yet I'm skeptical.
Perceived peace of solitude.

safe and lonely
or friendly and terrified.

Would you have me
to have and to hold
forever
moreover
just like this

Would you have me
to have you and hold you
forever
whenever
just like this

Would you have me
to kiss and caress
to watch you undress
without judgment
only inward, smiling,  commentary

Would you have me
to hold you while crying
and commit to undying
friendship
that bleeds when it's cut

Would you have me
to kiss and caress
to help you undress
without judgment
when you need help
just to bathe

Would you have me
to have and to hold you
forever
moreover
just like this

Would you have me
to be and to do
to forever pursue
for you
just like this

I'm so tired of being jaded
my direction is belated
beat to the punch by self-berate-ment
that's well deserved

I've found so much meaning in
giving you meaning, you all
I've sounded so meaning in
being so meaning-ful
I'm so tired of being tired
and running my head through the
wall in my head
so why can't I do the real thing and from
imagination spring into
light
of day

I'm so tired of being hated
my own soul is complicated
so how can I help you explicate it
when I'm self killing to fear

I guess it's all a fairy tail
that I love to tell so well
I try to give you hope and yet
I'm standing in the hailstorm of my
own constructed misery
I never told you lies, but
are these my own two eyes

I only meant the best

So,
I can't really justify
my need to second guess
I  don't want to fall behind
or you to become less

courage?
Faith in others or myself
that would require trust
I'm just a coward on his way
To optimism or bust

I am my own worst enemy
I could be my own best friend
but this
extrinsic obnoxious extrovert
just won't see the truth
and yet
he takes up for me
the unworthy harrier

We both think the other foolish
but I the wiser!
undying optimism
fades as reality sinks in
so I settle
for the sake of safety
in pessimism

No one sees the real me
the few who have
explained
just how abrasively
I oxidize their good humor
and so
the kid lives on
smiling
and I behind
wondering if my hidden prison
has made me...

What is a name
that which defiles
an idea
a rustic title
for the facade

What's in a name
a few letters
a meaning perhaps
false interpretation
belief in someone real

What is my name
but a way for you to call me
a sound I remember
a curse of things I can't escape
a tag I can't remove and hide behind

~Me

You tell me I've a problem
   Problem one I know already
   Already working to mend it
   It stays broken in spite of me
          And so I freak out
I explode with resentment
   Resentment is my fail safe
   Safe I no longer know about
   About face,  I turn around
          And so I'll claim no one gets it
Sadness comes I know I'm wrong
   Wrong to tell you you were
   Were any of my attempts real
   Real life sinks in
          And so I go down uncertain
I implode knowing I've a problem
   Problem two I know already
   Already passively trying
   Trying it is, seeing my self lies
          And so now I face myself