the therapists think he doesn't remember,
they think that it is a faded memory and that
derek doesn't know what he did

but he does
he does remember, he remembers holding her in his
arms, he remember intertwining her blood covered pale
hand with his own, he remembers looking down at her
and crying and wondering what did he do?
how could he do this?
he remembers screaming in agony as he heard her last
words, "i loved you so much"
he remembers wanting to stop his own
heart from beating and he would've, he would've he swore
to god that he would and he grabbed the knife and
he was so close, so close, so close to being
dead just like his love but then she came
she stopped him, just like she always stops him, he doesn't
want to be stopped this time though
but he is and she holds him to
her chest and she whispers sweet nothings as he cries
he hated her, he hated her so much this was all her fault
all of it was her fault; she was the one who told him to do it
she was the one who gave him the knife and said it
was either her or his love and he couldn't leave carmen;
carmen was always there for him and she always loved
him when everyone else didn't so he took the knife
and he killed the one girl who understood him, the one person
who he could've gladly spent the rest of his life

the therapists all think that derek doesn't remember,
but he does, he remembers it all; he remembers being
dragged to the hospital and forced into an asylum,
he remembers the word 'schizophrenia' being repeated
over and over again to his parents and he remembers
thinking that he was insane and that's why he had to leave home
he knows he isn't crazy though, he can't be because if he were
then carmen wouldn't love him and she does, she tells
him that she does everyday and she makes sure to say it
in present tense because she knows how he feels
about the word loved

(h.l.)

i think it's funny how you tell your friends that you got
rid of me, that i am only a memory in your past that i was
such a mistake that if you see me in the street you would
turn and run the other way,
i think it's absolutely hilarious because i still
find you reading my poems in class and reminiscing
and you still text me late at night begging for me to
respond, you still tell every guy with in a mile's distance
to stay away from me and every time i'm in church you
somehow find a way to corner me and attempt conversation
with me, i think this is all one big joke,
that you are one big entertaining joke because darling
i've already gotten rid of you, and trust me you
are only a memory in my past and honey if there was
ever one mistake i made it was lending you my scarf
after gym class, i want it back by the way
and you can spin the story in any way you want,
it won't matter because at the end of the day it is still
the same old game of you throwing rocks at my window
and me tossing them back

(h.l.)

she's a bag full of twigs,
a bag full of bones and liquor
her stomach always caves in
and she walks with the weight of a gun
to her chest,
she drinks with a smile and smokes
while she thinks,
he doesn't know if there's anything
more perfect than her smooth porcelain skin
and they never thought she'd be the one
holding a gun six feet underground
but life can be hard and it's tough to just get by
and he never thought she'd leave him that
night but now she rests in the dark  
underneath the garden where they had their first kiss
he lives his life on blank canvases and dreams
of the girl who taught him how to breathe and not
a day goes by he doesn't think of her because
she's everywhere; she's that song on the radio, she's
the band on his walls, she's that picture in the hallway
she's his fear of the dark and he tries to paint her but he
can never get it right, because the girl that he loves he
never really knew and when he steps on the cracks in
the street he remembers her,
he always remembers her
remember me
because i'm a bag full of twigs,
a bag full of bones
filled with a smile of explosives
and a stomach that always caves in
i smile when i drink,
i smoke when i think
and every time i try to breathe it feels
like a gun to my chest and time is my trigger
most times it feels like i'm walking on a
rope above the water
and i can only last so long before i sink and fall

(h.l.)

he loves the way i drink my shots of whisky,
i love the way he stares at me in bed
the scent of cigarette love in the air and baby
this is just the beginning of the end
||
they say he's too cool to know me
i say i'm too young to care
because the way he drives all through
the night makes me stop and stare
||
he doesn't give a **** and his excuse is
he's young and so am i,
we're too reckless to live by the rules
and too hopeless to care about getting caught
||
he calls me bonnie i call him clyde
we love money and getting high
and if i die tonight
then give my money to my mother
and my regards to my father,
tell him i slit his throat in this dream i had
||
imagine our children,
how ****** would they be?
mommy's a ******,
daddy lives in a dream
there's nothing wrong with dreaming
though, it's the waking up that kills people
it's the waking up
that killed me

(h.l.)