Is it my fault or isn't it not
i dont't know.. i just can't get rid of this thought
even before it was said unto the air
the thought would follow me everywhere
maybe I could've been a better daughter
maybe I could've tried a little harder
to pull myself together and make her proud
or kept my mouth shut and been less loud
maybe if I hadn't been so annoying
then everyone here could still be enjoying
the gift that was her wonderful presence
but as it is her being gone represents
what a failure I am, I wasn't good enough
I didn't try hard enough to keep up
I couldn't be selfless and pull myself out
of the depression that's constantly dragging me down
so I piled even more on top of her shoulder
and now it's my fault that she won't get older..

or isn't it?
i don't know anymore I'm losing it....
this battle I'm fighting within myself
cause I'm still too scared to ask for help
I mean.. they know the basics of the problems
and they think they've figured out how to solve them
but there's this voice within me I'm scared to make known
I fear they won't understand that it's not really my own
it tells me troublesome and worrisome things
the more I force it out, the louder it sings
" no matter what you do you'll never be enough!
don't you think it's time that you just give up?
No-one would care if you just disappeared..."
and on and on it goes, voicing all the things I've feared

I'm just a bundle of crazy irrational thoughts
that scratch and poison my heart as it rots
stupid and ugly things that don't make sense
like: I don't deserve those clothes, I'm just a waste of expense...
and a small part of me knows they're not true
but a bigger part of me's tired of pushing through
like when my mood drops and it's hard to even eat
my stomach feels nauseous and my heart quickens its beat
my mind feels raw and my feelings are sensitive
even if the insults you give really aren't inventive
the smallest word you speak still cuts me deep
it's gotten to the point where I don't get enough sleep
I mean I sleep for hours & hours and yet when I wake
my eyes are still droopy and my whole body aches...

and I know I should say something about it
but I'm just too scared that they'll all just doubt it
I'm not making this up, it's all truth I swear
there's just too many monsters that scream "they won't care!"
it's a constant battle between reality and fiction
and I really feel that words aren't an accurate description
it's hard to focus and hard to concentrate
there's too many thoughts inside of my brain
it's complete and utter chaos morning and night
'till I run out of energy and start losing the fight
and I don't know what to do anymore...
so I guess this is my cry for help?

what if i cut too deep
and your heart begins to bleed
cuz I couldn't take it
so I thought I had to leave
what if you're losing sleep
cuz I'm not around
to give you something
something to dream about
what if I forget
the promise that I made?...
what if I'm not ok?

I'm breaking down
I'm freaking out
I'm losing control
of myself now
and I just don't know what to do...
why does this happen when I think of you?...

when you sleep it's like you never cried,

breathing soft and steady, wet cheeks dried.



when you sleep it's like you never lost,

boundaries weren't broken and lines weren't crossed.



when you sleep it's like you're still there,

and you still smile and you still care.



when you sleep you look young as I,

no crease in your brow and no old worn sigh.



and so if sleep is death just being shy,

is it still so wrong,

to wish

to die?

Today I looked in the mirror
and I didn't recognize
the face staring back at me
with its cold and tired eyes
purple bags and messy hair
didn't sleep too well last night
lying eyes wide open in my bed
with no ******* end in sight...

now my demons chase me in the dark
running through my ****** up head
screaming out the hurtful things
that some of you have said
no matter how much I try
I can't rid them from my mind
so i scream and scream but nothing comes out...

and it all just feels like...
I wanna live
but I wanna die
I'm trapped again
inside my mind
Just give a sec
I'll be alright
Just give me a minute
and I'll be fine
but if you really know me...
then you know I'm lying...

tossing and turning in my sheets
can't seem to catch my breath
sweat is pouring down my back
but I'm still as cold as death
close my eyes and count to ten
try to calm my thoughts
i left my heart wide open again
and i guess this was the cost

i hurt myself again tonight
tho i said i wouldn't
tried to make myself drop the knife...
but i just couldn't
and my parents won't stop yelling
they're fighting cuz of me
tho I know that I'm not worth it
i just wish that I could breathe...
and it all just feels like...

and it all just feels like...
I wanna live
but I wanna die
I'm trapped again
inside my mind
Just give a sec
I'll be alright
Just give me a minute
and I'll be fine
but if you really know me...
then you know I'm lying...

im not alright
i wanna be fine
just wish i could
shut off my mind
and get to the point
where i cross the line
and im okay again...
but will that ever happen?

and it all just feels like...
and it all just feels like...
I wanna live
but I wanna die
I'm trapped again
inside my mind
Just give a sec
I'll be alright
Just give me a minute
and I'll be fine
but if you really know me...
then you know I'm lying...

yeah thats what it feels like

we were just friends but I wanted more
couldn't look at you the same anymore
i was too scared to tell you how i felt
like how your eyes on me made me wanna melt
I had these feelings i wished you felt too
so i was too scared to see i was losing you
now im sitting here quietly missing my friend
and my anxiety is all i have left

anxiety
it takes a hold of me
squeezing my lungs
pulling me tight until i just can't breathe
anxiety
it leaves me crying
whatd i do wrong
what should i do now
it feels like im dying
look at what youve done to me
to me and my anxiety

feeling lonely without you tonight
now that youre gone nothing feels right
I could deal with the pain when we were hanging out
but now that youre gone i just wanna shout
maybe im going insane
my body cant handle the pain
my brains on overdrive
dont think im gonna survive..
this anxiety.......


anxiety
it takes a hold of me
squeezing my lungs
pulling me tight until i just can't breathe
anxiety
it leaves me crying
whatd i do wrong
what should i do now
it feels like im dying
look at what youve done to me
its just me and my anxiety

She’s cracking eggs.
“What are those?” she asks, pointing to white and red specks in the bowl.
Once I’d have told her it was shell-
but she’s too old for that now
so-
“Where the eggs started to grow”
“Into chickens?”
“Yes”
“Oh” she says, staring intently at a gooey mess in the palm of her hand.
I finish weighing out the ingredients,
wipe her clean-
“Which colour icing do you want?”
She’s carefully spooning cake mix into bright-striped paper cases.
“Can we make angel cakes instead?”
I go into the kitchen to pre-heat the oven,
steal two minutes silence.
Deep breath.
“No. We'd be cutting up perfect little cupcakes to make the wings”
Choked.
I can’t tell her why
I don’t do Angels in December.