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Nov 2019 · 182
Soul Searching Reefs
The Jolteon Nov 2019
I know those reefs go real deep
Real cliche like a bad metaphor in Hawaii
Let it all bleed all over me
Thoughts like blood that won't crust
Just breath and believe?
Seems nice and easy
Simple pleasures for simple people
No, let's make this real confusing instead
Thoughts of death, even on paradise island
"Paradise" say that to the broken and exploited
Paradise at the expense of everyone else
Happy ******* birthday
**** everything and run
Fear the best thing I've ever done
When do you stop running?
When your ankle gives?
Or the bottle
**** it like a baby and cry when it's gone
What makes it feel better
Hearing trauma ****
Yes, please, please more
Tell me how **** up you are
I'm intimately interested
I don't care how strong you are
Let me see your guts bleed from your lips
Makes me feel a little more human
I guess it's a little too humid
Everyone on this island a little too
And it's little too
The worst things
The ones that **** me
Are what really can bring me back
So choke me out
Throw me on my back
But no head after that
Just punches to it
Just frontin too
I'm soft as ****
And you can't handle it
Either can I
You like music
But didn't want to know how I make it
Well guess what
Not much to do with you naked
I eat lunch off thoughts
And throw up the rest
The best sleep I get
Is with a numbed out head
Then it's finally lights out
Alcoholics like it better with nights out
Nights in
Party alone and **** alone and be alone
I'd much rather prefer
Don't really care
About your needs wants or desires
If I can just light my own fire
I don't care to make amends
I'd rather make end plans
Jump off the ship
And cook in the fire
Let it burn all night
Until I choke
Nov 2019 · 316
Inescapable Fate
The Jolteon Nov 2019
My heart is aching and breaking
Twisting and shaking
I feel it pulsing
Like the ground is quaking
I'll rip out my eyes
So that I can't see
I'll cut off my fingers
So that I can't feel
I'll blow out my ears
So that I can't hear
I'll cut out my tongue
So that there's no taste
The only thing I'm left with
Is an abandoned state
Hopeless and helpless
I sit here and wait
The pain of my mind
Jailbird and bait
Aug 2019 · 192
What’s Important?
The Jolteon Aug 2019
My #1 dropped off
Was getting too topped off
Running around my house
Until my face fell off

My #2 became 1
Burning like the sun
Killing all my thoughts
But still wanting to run

My #3 took its place
The city by the Bay
I live and die for the people
SFC no other equal

My #4 moved away
She hated the ******* Yay
I still love her to this day
But it’s better off this way

My #5 fell from the sky
An angel in disguise
She’s my ******* Queen
#1 one day she’ll be
Alcohol, ****, San Francisco, my X, my new love. What’s important?
Aug 2019 · 155
Breathing
The Jolteon Aug 2019
I ******* feel everything
Numbed out thoughts
Thrown into the fire
Coming out reborn
Saying no to escapes
Saying yes to embrace
All these feelings
Ive been running from for so long

Tears running down my face
I invite them in
Fill this empty void
With a clear lake a mile wide
I’ve been plunging in
Not afraid of drowning
Because I’m learning to swim
Teaching myself how to live
Jul 2019 · 141
A Way Out
The Jolteon Jul 2019
Wake up feeling like ****
One last thing I can do
Take a hit
At least open it
At least feel into it
The loneliness of the dark
Don't become hardened
I promise you a way out
Stop hating the people you love
Start loving the people you hate
To be ok with your face
Be ok with your every day
These lonely lonely days
Every step that I take
Is a deep breath
A conscious step to keep moving on
Jul 2019 · 137
Picking Up the Pieces
The Jolteon Jul 2019
Part of me died that day
Picking up the pieces
Still in braces
Without any embraces
The people we love
Torturing our brains and
The thing we love
Is never escaping
Lately I’m just coping
While others move on
I’m still sitting here hoping
Still sitting here shaking
Everyone has moved
And on and on
The list never improves
I ***** and moan
We can only do it for ourselves
You know they say
In order to move on
I’m just asking for support
I’m just asking for the door
No one to open it
Just how to get there
I’m blinded in the dark
Jun 2019 · 140
Still
The Jolteon Jun 2019
Giving a ****
Why I ditched that ****
Sat making me sick
Liquor spilled real thick
It's so easy to quit
To not give a ****
To see your life split
Warring within
My days are still spent
Wishing I was dead
Except sober instead
Still stuck in bed
Still cycles in my head
I can't catch a breath
I meditate to rest
Still heavy in my chest
I have been taking the last year and a half to dedicate to trying to be a better person to myself, treat myself with respect, and find the ability to have real love for myself. But it is really difficult work. And I hoped that just stopping abusing alcohol would magically cure everything. It didn't. But I have moments of clarity where I am thankful to myself for going down this path and keeping on it. It's actually the opposite of the easy way out - it's hard work getting to know yourself (again, or for the first time) and it takes a lot of courage and bravery to really face yourself as you really are.
Jun 2019 · 148
The Eye
The Jolteon Jun 2019
Let it out
Fragments of a past
Ship battered against the waves
Endlessly coming
I hold on to emotions
Lifejackets that sink you
Until I'm buried in worry
That stare pretends to care
The Jolteon May 2019
Everything waking up in time
It all counts down so quickly
What does it really mean to be
Still treading until I can dive down deep
Slowly untangling these threaded vines
The time escapes me if I don't make it
I used to be trapped under a plastic cap
Break it just to run from the past
Not trying to be completed or conceited
Just come fully as I am
The warmth I feel from you is badly needed
But I breathe deep so I can give it back
Stripped down bare with projections as clothing
Fears of judgment and shame reside
The honest truth is that I'm still learning
Creating space so my truths don't hide
The Jolteon Mar 2019
I cry at work cause I feel the pain
Everyday I see it coming down
Everyone sees the feeling of hopelessness
Cracked out babies laying on the sidewalk
Rise with the masses
Don't try and be a rocket on this earth
Leaving your friends and family behind
The community is all we know
The further you go the less you know
Listen to the one that teaches an endless lesson
What you are searching for exists inside
Don't run from the love of others
When you realize that getting your own
Meant leaving your own on their own
Strip down to your real skin
Keep your heart to the concrete and feel it beat
Mar 2019 · 179
The Oil Leaks Out Thick
The Jolteon Mar 2019
Muni bus rides
I swear the sky shines bright
Lost in lustless thoughts
Struggles for a better life
Thoughts of drinks and let downs
Burning earth and deep poverty
Loss of hope and emotion
What does it take to wake up
Kept restless and dormant
I swear everyday
Everything is ******* real
Don't look away
He's got a needle in his ear
The city attacks him
The corporations mask it
The oil leaks out thick
Feb 2019 · 135
Holding On and Letting Go
The Jolteon Feb 2019
Thoughts in my head
All swirling and spinning
Just when I left her bed
I thought I could understand
What it means to not possess
Not care about excess
Wanting to hold on till the end
Control someone with ***
Be ok with our own impulses
Kissing more boys
You said kissing more girls
That's when thoughts start to spill
You said "see more vaginas"
I didn't know what that meant
Do you like guys?
I couldn't lie and said yes
Not knowing what it meant
I was honest and sincere
Scared about holding on
And being tied down
Scared of hurting someone else
Scared of not being myself
Scared of regretting
Scared of forgetting
Who am I
I still don't know
But I like your bed
And thoughts in your head
Pulling a warm blanket over me
You said it's ok just to be
Don't get lost in the future
Be here in the moment
Don't hold on too tight
Or you'll never let go
Strangle yourself with ego
Or release your chains
Feb 2019 · 106
Fighting and Loving
The Jolteon Feb 2019
Fighting myself to come out
Fighting to be who I am
Fighting to be comfortable
Fighting for myself
And for those around me
Loving myself as I am
Loving my fears and my mistakes
Loving my faults and tears
Loving everything I thought I hated
Feb 2019 · 199
Restless
The Jolteon Feb 2019
Come out of the struggle
Into the light
The day turns to night
Everything you fought is alive
Crying from despair
Even the air is hard to take in
Your bed my refuge
Calm my mind in your eyes
Creatures crawl from my depths
Unseen and unable to dream
The song plays on repeat
Please let me sleep
The sweetest thing
That's come to me
Since my last injury
Your voice and hands
Feb 2019 · 107
I Can’t Stand to be Me
The Jolteon Feb 2019
I cut my teeth
In the back rooms of therapists
Learning what abuse is
Learning about forgiveness

Preparing for roofs
Or notes to parents
For the after life
And my last breath

Sickness and distress
A scream from hell
Grab my heart
And never let go

Find comfort in death
I’m still learning how to live
I try to live my truths
But just as often fail

Remember that with life
These things are what it’s worth
I’ll kick and scream
I can’t stand to be me
PLEASE TALK TO SOMEONE IF YOU ARE SUICIDAL
The Jolteon Feb 2019
The things you love
You’re taught to hate
The person you adore
They say “not him, not her”
The poison you down
They all cheer
Societal constraints
Inner fear
Feb 2019 · 119
Therapist Waitlist
The Jolteon Feb 2019
Drag around this weight
With nowhere to drop it
Telling myself stop it
Don’t focus on your worst times
I’m just scared
For the people I love
I don’t want to slip
And crush them
It’s too much to carry everything on your own. My insurance rejected my request for coverage of therapy, and ive been on a waitlist for a clinic for 3+ months. Trying to heal myself but I need different kinds of help, I need help unloading all my thoughts.
Feb 2019 · 193
Wet Dreams
The Jolteon Feb 2019
Open bottles just sitting
My insides just rotting
Even in my dreams
Rage consumes me
Dares me to dunk
My head back under
A pool of liquor
Sober in my dreams
The Jolteon Jan 2019
A soft touch can melt the hardest soul
Love others as you love yourself

Break off alone into the night
A heavy bottle in your jacket your light
You smell like gasoline
Your eyes lowered like a guillotine

A gentle voice can dismantle a fight
You must find love inside
This is about being at war with yourself and fighting yourself and losing. And wanting more, wanting to find genuine love and stop feeling self hatred and self loathing. It's about giving in and also about giving up.
Aug 2018 · 123
Empty
The Jolteon Aug 2018
Crack the top
Pour it all out
Drips thicker than tears
More concentrated
Version of all my fears
It still seems to burn
All of the nights are seared
But I move on

Death and denial
All bottled inside
Friends only want to see
A wild side
Willing to pour my life
Down my throat
So they can see me
Act a ******* fool

Maybe just maybe
If I take one more sip
I could stomach
All your ****
Just grit my teeth
Let the bourbon take the hits
POUR THAT **** OUT
Jul 2018 · 526
Depression
The Jolteon Jul 2018
When all you do
Is get beaten down
You forget your own power

Willing to tolerate
Friends that treat you like ****
Lovers that beat you

When you grow up
In this world
As one of the oppressed

You internalize everything
It becomes you
You are complacent within it

Until you realize
Your own power
It comes bursting out

Saying **** capitalism
Propped up by racism and sexism
**** the oppresssor free the oppressed
Jul 2018 · 164
Easy or Empty?
The Jolteon Jul 2018
4 pieces of clothes
I'm in a puddle
Two words
I've evaporated
One look
I'm frozen
One kiss
I'm dead
Jul 2018 · 159
Light
The Jolteon Jul 2018
Light like I'm on a cloud
Caught in the stars
Floating away on the thought of you
Your eyes remind me
Of stars I've seen when I was younger
That's why I can't look away
Going blind staring into the sun
Nothing can eclipse you
Jun 2018 · 147
Severely Committed
The Jolteon Jun 2018
To love and peace
The well being of others
Might as well commit me
I’ve gone insane with intent
Overthrow the system
Free the oppressed
Rise with the masses
Unconscious means unseen
Jun 2018 · 175
Complacency
The Jolteon Jun 2018
What did the alcohol ****
Besides all of your friendships
Your liver and will to be healthy
It killed your desire to fight
Left you in a puddle of ****
Covered in money
You smell like ****
But you're rich
That alcohol made you weak
You dropped your picket signs
Your ability to organize
Went straight for the paycheck
Whiteness kept you sheltered
Your class status kept you fed
You replaced fighting for the people
With drinking for no purpose
This is about my fear of becoming complacent in life, of losing my desire to struggle for the working class. I've seen radical friends become complacement alcoholics bent more on getting a fat paycheck than in making radical change in their community and world. Alcohol is not the root cause of this, but I think it aids complacency. When you become OK with a constant paycheck at a meaningless job, when you become OK with choosing to dedicate most of your time to drinking rather than organizing, when you become OK with growing up to become just like your depressed, defeated, hopeless parents. THAT is complacency.
Jun 2018 · 135
Self Hatred Maintenance
The Jolteon Jun 2018
Always Comparing Myself to You

Like why am I not good enough
Why am I not hot enough
Shut the **** up right now
Just let me rip my ****
You call me then hang up the phone
Said lets get lunch then forget
Every time you post
You are higher up than before
Reminding me that I'm a *******
That just happened to be on your foot
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