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I am okay.  
I do miss your morning texts.
I miss being loved.
But, was I really?
Our definition of love varies.
Our definition of loyal are miles apart.
Our definition of morals are ions.

I am okay.
I miss glancing over and having blue eyes on me.
Trying so hard to read me but you never could.
I miss your rough beard against my soft face.
I miss you holding on to me at night.

I am okay.
Then I notice the magnet from our first and only trip together.
It was a little adventure. I was so excited but I remember how you described it to others.
And, how mad you got about trivial things.
You had me.
I was yours.
You could had kept me forever if you really wanted to.
Ugh, that is not true even if I tried so hard to believe it.
But, I could barely tolerate the rage that is in you, the need to bully, the need to drink your life away...the denial that you are doing just that.
It is going to get worse before it gets better.
What else are you willing to lose?
Or was I never anything to you?
You sure didn't make me a priority.  
Always claiming good intentions as you broke my heart again and again.
I miss you.
But, I also know I deserve more than you were willing to give me.
I would rather be alone then with someone so angry.
So toxic.
So, utterly broken and in his own way.

I am going to be okay.
Are you?
Somewhere in the middle
I teeter
I sway
I see myself furiously gathering my things too often
I cross your lawn alone at night.
Love me
you say
as if that is enough
as if love will fix it
When has it ever been enough?
When will I be enough?
You push me out and get upset when I leave
You want me to just calm down
because my feelings are inconvenient to you
I literally bend backwards for you
you don't want me
but the fantasy
I am in the middle
but my feet aim away.
Does it make you feel better?
Just how much do you hate you?
Enough to try and make me hate myself.
You failed.
Gas lighter, it back fired.
I am still good.
I am still here.
Just no longer here for you.
Seven shots of tequila and one or three cocktails later I lifted my phone.
In my camera I thought about how beautiful you would say I am.
So into that camera I began to spill.
I rambled on. I fumbled words. I laughed. My voiced cracked. Club music played behind me.
I still hit send because I am an idiot.
Days pass and night comes. I am in your bed. My head on your shoulder as my fingers toy with the soft patch of hair on your chest.
Please? you ask as your finger lingers over the button. You had already watched it more than once and wanted to watch it with me.
How was I going to say no?
And, so I watched myself drunk with truth serum tell you my passion, my love, my devotion, my fears, my hopes for us.
I can hear your heart quicken as your  grip on my hip tightens. The moment the video ends you are rolling me to my back. The weight of you makes me wet as you capture my mouth and pour your returned passion. love, fear, and hope into a kiss.
Your mouth and teeth move from breast to ******* over and over as you take long strides into my silky smoothness. I don't know where one ****** ends and another begins  You capture my mouth and we drink from each other in long desperate gulps.
It had been too long since love had been kind.
Since love had been real.
You are hanging on as if I could leave you at any minute. You're in me as deep as you can go and ******* my bottom lip as I moan. My pretty  pink-then candy red ****** then gets your attention and I marvel at your long your lashes are, And, then those lust filled diamond eyes flutter open and I lose my ******* mind.  The heat soaks my porcelain thighs. You don't want to let go. you dont want the moment to end. You hang on bury your face in me and breathe me in. I feel your love and desperation more than I ever thought I would be allowed to witness.
What you need to know and never once doubt is that Tequila was not speaking.
I was.
I want this more than I have wanted anything in a long time.
I want us.
I want you.
My blue eyed mushroom hunting nerd.  I love you.
I have to keep reminding myself why we don't work.
All my heart wants to remember is how we do.
I have to remember the ways you are not good to me or for me.
Because, my body wants to take you in over and over again.
Logic has to prevail here. I can't go back.
I hope you wouldn't take me back if I tried.
I hope you're thinking of how many times we have been unhappy and not how you felt in my embrace.
Don't think about how I held you or my hands running down your back.
Do not remember how we laughed or how I moaned and bit your sheets.
Remember my frown. Remember that I don't fit with you.
Don't let me back in.
You once called us two storms colliding.
We made a wreck of each other.
It wasn't what I wanted.
You were what I wanted.
But, I guess I didn't really know you at all.
You are so utterly broken.
I'm a little broken, too.
I wanted it so bad.
I wanted you.
I wanted us.
I wanted to love and be loved so desperately that I kept forgiving red flags.
No. Not flags but flashing neon signs. Billboards.
Why if you were not the one did it feel so magical when you put your lips on my neck?
Why if we weren't matched did you feel so right inside?
How do I move on from eyes as blue as yours?
I'm never going to earn that sideways grin again.
Ending it probably saved me.
But, every morning I don't wake up to a message filled with pet names or get a kissy face  mid day...
I almost cant fathom tomorrow morning.
I want to run  to you.
I want to cry and be touched by you.
I love you. I love you so much.
But, I don't like you.
You're sorry.
I am inclined to believe you.
That doesn't mean I can forgive.
You were hurting  but had choices and none of them have been me.
You swear you're not the bad guy I make you out to be and yet you've never been good to me.
Be my girl.  You say as you slide into another.
Let's just be happy.  You say those words  to me a then use the same line for any girl who can read.
But, that was before this time I want you.
I love you.
You just have to trust that.
Trust me even though I don't care if you feel safe.
I don't care if you feel important.
I wont cheat.
I wont let her go either.
But, I wont cheat.
I'm not that guy.
You say these things on repeat.
You're sad.  You need a nap.
You told me you wanted a life partner.
You cant even stick around to for the injuries you caused.
I'm to believe you will be able to support me for life?
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