When I was younger
I looked at my window
and saw an escape.
A chance to get away from this hell
a way to end it all, my life wasn't going to well.

As I aged
I developed attachments to fictional characters
filling a void created by how I felt.
A fear of death stopped certain acts
and the feeling of happiness disappeared.

Today I cry to sleep,
lying to those closest to me,
hiding how I really feel
not happy but sad.
I get emotionally pressured into doing things for others,
I have very little sleep.
My heart rate increases at any disturbing noise.
The happiness I felt as a child is now buried deep.

Gradually things have been getting harder.
Dealing with friends and family,
trying to remain stable and sound minded
my mind fighting but is left divided.
Do I keep fighting and searching for that happiness
or do I give up and allow time to do its damage?

so is this the american dream, another child dead at fourteen
a victim of no self-confidence and an inability to understand
that tomorrow is not today
you are not your mistakes
pure
free
anything you needed to see,
that tomorrow is not today
you are not your mistakes
and if i could breathe you back i would
the youngest(oldest) child misunderstood
deserving to bloom, to grow through the cracks,
to make it to spring and sing
that tomorrow is not today
you are not your mistakes
but its far too late
and no matter how hard i scream these echoes wont carry you back to me
but i will carry your name close to my chest, for family, for friends to never part
to understand
that tomorrow is not today
you are not your mistakes
i hope my words whisper through these trees
and find you sweetly (softly)
and carry you as above as you've felt so beneath
a cleansing song
a solid soul
you are finally free to realize
that today is not tomorrow
and you are not your mistakes.

I remember the times we never had.
The moments we never shared.
The long nights of conversations composed of the sweet echoing of nothingness.
The days where we did nothing but we did everything.
I remember it all.
I remember the first date that never happened.
We went out to see a movie and eventually went for a walk around the block.
A walk that lasted **** near 3 hours.
I remember how sore your legs never were after that walk.
The moonlit sky, no clouds to hide the empty darkness, the sounds of emptiness echoed from every missing star.
The first kiss that never occurred happened under that sky.
Those “memories” keep playing back to me on days like this.
I take in every moment that never happened as if it was a dream sewn to the edges of my heart, I don't want to let go... But it never happened.
What's there to let go of?
I remember months passing, I treasured every moment I got to hear your voice.
The sweet honey of your words reverberating at the edges of my subconscious, slipping into reality.
I remember memories of dreams of hallucinations dipped in the wishing well of my heart.
And then I remember the bad times that never happened.
The arguments about things that would be forgotten.
The fights over things that never existed.
I remember how we made up.
I don't think I would have meant anything as much as I would have when I told you I was sorry.
I remember it all.
The “I love you's” in the middle of the night.
No reason to say it, we just wanted to..
But then I remember something that I should never have forgotten.
We never had memories of what love was.