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amy Dec 2019
you’ve done well, i could say
on track, hitting targets, completing goals
well done for your progress today
i can see you’ve scraped enough energy to climb out of that gloomy hole

seems like a front
like some kind of stunt
fake it til your make it
that’s what they all say
but it actually works, just for today

plod along young one
make yourself proud
announce your self-forgiveness,
shout it so loud

remember to plaster on a grin
even if its false
because if you do
the relief will eventually kick-in

so well done
young one
amy Dec 2019
tell me to leave
spy on my shattered heart
wrap ropes around my throat
watch this world fall apart

its scary when your body is made of glass
people see all of you, notice every weakness
vulnerability is my identity
and relief is not an option

shards of glass penetrating my skin
butter knife lodge into my back
daggers trapped between my head & heart
bullets fired into my third eye

this sinking feeling reminds me its real
I thought it was gone
but i was wrong
I accept that disappointment is all I’ll feel
amy Dec 2019
loss of breath
out of my depth
sinking into the pain
lungs filled with shame

weighted feet
dragging me down
lower and lower
about to drown

except…

i’m not in the ocean

where am i?
By Amy Dedman
amy Dec 2019
Dear every scary aspect of Earth
Dear the slug seeping through the sockets
Dear the rotting skull buried at my feet
Dear all the unstoppable intrusive thoughts
Dear the constant shift in emotion
Dear the next death
Dear the next unwanted touch
Dear the venom swimming through the veins
Dear the daisies which lay on top of the venomous veins
Dear what i might do next
and finally,

Dear the jump scares
you made me realise that the most frightening thing is,
amy Dec 2019
BUT
smiling but my skull is screaming
nodding but my soul is sobbing
free but my voice is captured
open but my eyes are glued

love you but you love to hurt me
hate you but you feed my loneliness
need to speak but petrified of nothing
lost for words but won’t shut up

financially stable but life is poor
walking alone but surrounded by demons
listening to you but deafened by pain
wonderfully happy but tremendously miserable
amy Dec 2019
it's all a mystery
next steps new goals
the past is history

can we savour the way the bed feels like one big embrace
can we relish the sensation of air in our lungs
can we try adore the imperfections without disgrace

today is here
yesterday is dead
tomorrow is yet to come

never mind whats on the agenda
ignore the impending fear of death
attempt to appreciate every second
learn to appreciate every breath
amy Dec 2019
balancing the feelings
feelings which sit in my bones
crack your knuckles on my ribs
gutting me when I feel most alone

chapped lips
chapped lips pursed on the blank expression
tingling & lingering
watching the fire ignite in seconds

brush past me, accidentally creeping into my life
lifeless body triggered
what is it about you?
cheeky grin but no sin
reassuring eyes, secrets but no lies

symbolic human interaction
demons becoming a distraction
distraction leading to dissatisfaction
time to make my final transaction

tender, sweet & warm
bearing the sunshine after the storm

I’ll be your Christmas gift
wrap me up, but don’t suffocate
leave the mouth, I’ll communicate
remember to deliver that first and last kiss
amy Dec 2019
it just wasn’t meant to be
keep on saying that to me
you’re right, we both know
I’ll try harder to go with the flow

you’re so chilled, life is a breeze
would you cope if your mind was diseased?
death is upon us my dear friend
soon we’ll be rotting, let’s not pretend

oh, but what if you’re already rotting?
well then maybe we are the same
i too, am dead inside
my corpse tiptoes around in shame

validation is all we seek
then you’ll wonder how life became so bleak
calm down, soon you will decease
unless you give that trapped emotion some release
Nostalgic May 2019
Haze.

Cloud formation
9 degrees from location
I can’t see the formation
Of fear adopting me from temptation

It wasn’t honor or pride
It’s fear of what consequence resides
The naked plush of a lustful rush
In the trippy black out
emphasized by my friend’s paintbrush

I’ve never thought fantasy could be escalated
seems I’ve hit a milestone
I’ve shot up a dragon ride home
Now I’m excited by warmth and fascinated by combs
I’ve never wandered the medieval before
That’s why I stuck to game of thrones

My minds been freed
My body, imprisoned
It can’t be explained but it’s nothing depicted in illustrated predictions of purple, red and off key balance as seen in pulp fiction

They say drug use is escapism
Acid burnt down the bars of social anxiety disorders and confines of 3rd dimensional prisms
Left bare dialectical materialism
Molly taught me how to make friends
While your sobriety made you prone to solipsism

This was always what I’d imagined it to be
When I close my eyes and see
For a while I had looked over the wall than walk through the gate
Always drew the solution with stick to sand but never went into the maze
Always window shopped the shoes
But never tried them on to walked the way
Perhaps it’s a common laymen’s phrase
That drugs are a paradise lost in the haze.
Disclaimer: I don’t support the excessive use of drugs but find the campaigns against some of them on the basis of escapism somewhat too rigid and harsh.
Amtul Hajra May 2019
It must hurt
To finally know,
What i contained.
-All the time that i thought you'll comprehend.-

You ask for forgiveness
from the paleness
that you've caused
and ofcourse you wouldn't know
as we were paused.

We're in flames of carmine,
Watching our souls untwine.
And a woeful combat
Between both
Of our demons,
Detached.

It must surely trigger,
Realising: the damages get bigger.
and I was a beautiful cave
for which you were allowed to pave in, your own path.

You dab,
An amount of prestige
Onto your personality.
Splashing all the,
Insignificance over my
Unattended morality.

I've taken too,
Too much of heart;
Too much of soul.
As i give up blood,
I'm musing over you
(Maybe) a last time.

I must alter my actions,
And turn them to you.
now that we're done
I let you live as a slave
cause the ashes that are deep buried,
the flames that burn with screams
often unheard
may seem to be easily blown off
but it won't
it's wrath.

Lastly here i am,
Reconciling my words to you;
Putting them together
In and out of place.
The last breath i take (in your name):
Your honor, i rest my case.
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