No longer can I deny it.
Laugh all you want I have grown to not care about your words of hatred and spite.
Why I didn't ever see it before I don't know.
Was it because I was in denial?
Or because I was so simply staring out a window too foggy to clearly see through?
You may have been in my life for many a year, but never as I always wanted you.
Caring then Not.
Warm then Cold.
Close then Distant.
Gone is the loving soul I once knew.
What is that thing who has taken up residence where your soul once was?
What hideous unkind creature have you become?
No longer does your soul shine bright like the stars.
No longer does your infectious laugh ring loud and clear through these walls.
No longer do your eyes hold the warmth they once had.
You are no longer the being I cared for and once loved.
Why has this insidious thing taken your place?
Your kind compassionate words now cold biting and cruel.
Your warmth now chilling and cold.
Your eyes cut into me and pierce clean through.
Do you even remember the times you smiled?
The times we laughed and had fun?
Do you remember what fun even is?
Where has that person in that THEY so lovingly married?
Where's the kindness you and them once had?
How can I call you family if you never act it?
How can you be the person who once sang, danced,laughed, smiled and loved?
How can you become them again?
Can you ever?
Will you ever?
Please...I want no...Need to know!
Please...
Please.

"Sometimes Heading Home is the hardest thing anyone will ever have to do"
These words aren't wrong, Almost everyday for the past week
All I have ever wanted to do was spend time away from home.
I joke that it is like, "World War 3 at home, and I'm the neutral in the Crossfire."
But it's nothing to joke about in all honesty.
It hurts, to hear the people you love arguing over things such as money, and bills.
And knowing that there is nothing you can do to help.

How does one live at home, When threats of leaving and divorce are so casually thrown across the dinner table, that you can't help but to try and slide down in your seat to become invisible.
You sit and listen to these things and wonder, 'Will that ever be me someday? Will I ever get married and act like this?'

I wish I could answer that question for myself...But no one can see that far ahead into their future.
I personally don't think I want to.

So I sit and wait.
I wait out the yelling.
The threats.
The Silence across the table.
The cold bitter, "Good Nights" that follow.
And even the Insults that come after the argument.

I wait.
And Wait.
And keep Waiting.
Until it's safe for this turtle to poke out her head, only after she has made sure the Crows have gone, and slowly start walking once more to where ever it was she was originally going before the crows came and began their fight.
I wait.
And listen to the sound of my heart, breaking ever more.

I wait until the day it finally shatters.