You don't know.

You can't understand my pain,
You simply can't.

Why?
You say I have the perfect life--
From the outside, I guess I do,
No.
You cannot understand how everyday of my life I am
Scolded because
Parents are stressed out with finance,
People,
Me--
Especially me.

You don't know the pain of watching your cute,
Sweet,
Little brother-- autistic--
Struggle through school with "friends" who act like fiends.
You have never heard the heartbreaking sound
When his anxiety grows and he cries out
In his own pain:
"Why? Why do I have autism? Why can't I do it?
I'm so dumb I'm so dumb
I'm
So
Dumb!"

And then Mom and Dad are over there,
Their own tired selves,
Trying unsuccessfully to comfort him.

You don't know the pain of an older sister,
Beautiful,
Talented,
Everything you feel you lack in,
Fall into the wrong crowd,
Now contemplating suicide.
You loved her the whole time,
Even through all her hate and addiction.

And you don't know the pain of family ignoring you,
Like they did me--
Like I didn't get enough at school,
Never being able to tell friends from fakes,
So biting my tongue and putting on a foolish, lying smile for just one more day--
One more day.

But there is no one to lie to--
There is none here left to ask questions,
Even the simple ones like
"How are you?"

It hurts.
Pain,
It's ice cold and devours.
Frigid hands grip,
Clinging to the edge of the cliff,
Not knowing how long they can hang on.
Hot tears burn their way down clammy cheeks and
Through the soul.
Knowing that falling was eminent to fall--
Why was it caused by
Trust--
Trying--
Now it comes to a short and sudden
End.
The silence-- Life now,
It ticks by,
Painstakingly
Slow,
But faster than the rest. I feel my grip slip...

Hate dripped down from his words,
His eyes,
They bore into the soul,
Painfully,
Frostbite to her heart.

Yet she also fought with daggers,
Her sharp tongue flashing the blades,
Cutting him and
Defending
Her chilly soul.

As things turned worse,
Physical weapons appeared,
And the child watched,
Their child watched as
The husband beat the wife
And the wife beat the husband.
The child dares not to make a noise,
Fearing punishment.

The child has already lost the ability to cry.

Always I try to lead,
But my feet drag like lead,
Coming to my knees to pray,
Don't always keep the hunters from their prey.
Everything is falling, yet I will be okay,
For I know that sometimes
God calms the child, not the storm.
Hours of my time--
I wish it was our time...
Just wait for me, the dead weight is
Killing me, dragging me
Lower than it ever has before.
Minutes tick by,
No one sees me as I bid goodbye,
Only a minute problem though.
Perhaps I am invisible,
Queer, or
Rude,
Someday I may be better,
Though I know no one can buy me.
Unlimited is what I am,
Value cannot be placed on any one's soul.
Wounds will heal,
Xanthous sunshine will brighten the world,
Yet again at peace,
Zealous in the celebration of life.

I miss you.

Not in the physical kind of way,
You are still here--
I can reach out and touch you now.

But things are different now.
Now all I do is
Drag
Drag
Drag behind you,
You even forgot I was here.

We use to talk,
Walking to our classes,
Sometimes passing them,
Lost,
Not physically,
But in deep conversations,
Where our words were equals,
Even if we weren't.

Now we hardly say "hello,"
Sitting next to you,
Your presence is comforting,
Your silence is not.
Being near you makes me miss you more.

Do you ever miss me too?

Wisps
Of words
Drift down slowly as
She sits,
Invisible and forgotten.
Huddled,
As the world caves down on her.

Even though no one notices her,
They all point,
Stare,
And scorn.

An outcast,
Not knowing the reason why
They talk about how
"Dangerous"
She is.

Rumors and gossip spread like wildfire,
Burning her the worst,
Third degree burns to the soul.

They never realized how
Close to the edge
They pushed,
Until she jumped,
And put out the fire forever.

"Please."

She choked the word out,
Stammering,
Tears dripping down her face,
Streaking her makeup down her face.
Pleading,
Crying.

But.
Her cries landed on deaf ears,
The words sliding off of his turned head.
Just like Lucifer,
The name he had before was misleading.

Prince,
He once was.
Now he is a servant--
A servant to the lowest serpent.

I gave my all to a person even with an exhausted soul.
Time after time, I made myself an afterthought for the sake
of his heart. Unfortunate events proved that he did not have
the heart to do the same.  I freely gave myself to a man that
confused true love with lust. My selflessness entwined with his
selfishness, and my love slowly became suppressed from being
mistreated. With this, I know the importance of giving less love
to a loveless being. They are not aware of what they have when
their pride is what they live for.

How long ago
Did you list your priorities?

The small ones,
Like me.
Forgotten at the bottom of the list.

I do understand.
I am only a reflection,
Without purpose,
******* the attention of those around me,
The ones that worry about
Insignificant things.

And stop lying.

You have let go of me,
You haven't let go of the words
Or past.

But of course you let go,
You could barely hold on to
Your own sanity.

I can only hold myself accountable to the crushing feeling I have now.