Shout
Scream
Pout and doubt
Beg and kneel and promise me it’ll change
From ages four and up and till I reached the 7th grade my life was a walking minefield
Dodging and  weeving around bullets
Thoughts bullets weren’t for me though
Yet they still grazed me
Scared me with the echo ringing through the battle field that was supposed to be my home
For the first I knew what it felt like to be scared
For the first time I went to sleep doubting why I was here
For the first time I heard you shout
You were supposed to be a gentle man
Not exactly a father but a step down
Guess that’s why they call them step fathers
But to my brothers whom were but your sons
The one you beated,
hit,
yelled at,
And I watched
Hearing him cry in pain
He was 16 yet scared of him as much as I am of you
I realized for the first time you weren’t what I thought
You were a haunting thought
Each threat and shout and door you left dented
Time spent in hotels rather than in the safety of my bed
Every time you called the police
And the threat to take away my only home
Guess it wasn’t my only home
Second
But it was second to best with you
You see
you treated me with gentleness
A kindness I’ll never forget
And today I still like to think of you as that man
The man before you turned into you
But you aren’t that man
You are what you are
A angry man
Drunken and confused
And oh so painfully sweet
I miss when I was three
Of dear god I wish it were me
I wish it were me you hit
It was me you shouted and yelled at
Cause god I’d have a reason to hate you If you did
Because I’m still painfully attached to you, even in the end.