If you sometimes see doubt in my eyes when you tell me you’re here…
I’m sorry because it’s true that all I want is to have you near,
But a voice in the back of my mind replies to your words quiet but strong
With the words, “Yes.. But for how long..?”

Because although you don’t know it yet..
There will be no country home with a huge library for me to store my many loved volumes Where you can find me any time of the day.
Just to lay with me as I let the beautiful words roll of my ******* flood…
Because they always just seem to pulse through my very blood..
There will be no glen just inside the forest that - even if we have to clear it ourselves -
Will be the perfect place to train when the sky is clear and the winds warm..
There will be no training room with polished wood floors and walls of glass for us to train
Even if we would rather just go walking in the rain
Because we are both spirits of water..
Yes we both have fire within us also, but water is what we crave.
It is the flash of lighting, the roll of thunder, the sound of water falling from the sky
That brings up peace that will save.…

And it’s not that I don’t want these things..
Gods I want them with my whole heart,
But I have made choices which render those dreams null and void..
And may even force you to from me part..
Because although these choices mean never living with you..
Never sleeping beside you..
Never feeling your warmth by me every moment of every day..
Perhaps even make you stray..
I will never regret them..
Unless they cause me to lose you..
And that is what I worry about the most.

That is why my mind races.
Why the darkness in my soul swirls
My feet unable to stop their paces..
This instability is what truly my emotion kills.
And I can’t seem to remember which what is up and which is down
I honestly feel as if I’m going to drown…
Because I don’t want to lose you..
But because of all these things that I know and you don’t..
When you whisper to me that you are here…
Although all I will ever want is to have you near,
A voice in the back of my mind replies to your words quiet but strong..
With the words, “Yes.. But for how long..?”

headache.
bout of boredom.
momentary warmth.
chilled walk.
a stare.
a flickering of the eyes.
a name on the tip of my tongue.
it comforts me.

smells.
i remember those well.
and with them come memories too great, they bring tears to my eyes.
they are clogging my tear ducts, causing traffic,
causing blurry vision,
taking my eyes off the road God has lead me on.

who am i?
not who i was when i graduated high school
not who i was when Elias died.
not who i was 9 months ago, when Africa punched me in the heart.
not even who i was yesterday.

change is constant.
the question of tomorrow hangs in the air.
will it be better?
worse?
boring?

but i walk anyway, making myself move forward,
making myself take it in,
because i know that soon this will all be over,
and this chapter, this heavy chapter,
will be finished,
and will be regarded as a blurry memory
where i cant remember who i was, now.

lord, let me take it in.
let me smell you,
and remember who you are.
let me feel you with my memory..
and staple you to my agenda for the blurried tomorrows.