When everyday you wake up feeling as if you were already three fourths dead then it stands to reason the evil you only thought you had imagined isn't just in your head. Illusions of gradure come to life at every single turn leaving you with just cause for great concern. All kinds of nefarious beings seem to gather where there's an absence of light. There's no telling what is out there lurking in the dead of night. It really is quite difficult to determine what is even real here where the shadows are just a black as they are still. In this neon moon's tainted light I can almost make out images that just aren't quite right. The wind serenades the beast that lives inside, the Monterous parts of ourselves we usually tend to try and hide. When demons call your name with voices hushed do not panic nor let yourself be rushed. Yet if I were you I would quickly pray. Pray that for at least a while longer these demons will be held at bay.  The stench of corpses that have already started to decay cannot be covered by the fragrant scent of death's bouquet. Forsaken now in such a Godless place so far from this side of my saving grace. I grasp for the cold emptiness just for it to fail my grip. That when further into this unfamiliar hell I seemed to suddenly slip. Feeling as if indeed my very life may be in peril, I attempt to flee. Only to realize that there will be no one coming to save myself from me. Knowing that this might very well be the battle in which I was meant to fight, In silent fear I feel myself begin to shake ever so slight. Every line I've written is just as twisted as it is perverse. Yet the question that remains is are we in fact alone in this universe. If you ask me the hardest of any monster to conquer is the one that you didn't mean to conjure.  As usual now I am in pursuit of something that I doubt that I will ever find as I am still traveling outside the parameters of my own **** mind Everything you have just seen that I have written is explicit and profane just as it drips with much disdain sporadically inside my chest my heart does beat while I lose pieces of myself in these memories that are bittersweet. In some vain attempt to save my very soul I continue on to the places even angels fear to go. As cold and corrupt as I could ever be. I wish there was somewhere some place where I could  feel as if I were truly free. Not here crushed underneath the weight of pending doom. Where not a single ray of light is cutting through the gloom. So while I am standing here in the most sinister black I pray these demons do not attack. Especially right here in the heart of the very place where good and evil seems to coincide.  Chaos and catastrophe seem to just collide. Jumping at the sound of the very explosion that has broken the heart of me wide open. There are some beasts of burden I feel as if I, alone should bear. Is there anyone that is here, right now even really there? The villain of this story I seem to know fairly well. Well enough to tell if this was meant to be a nightmare or a fairytale. Perhaps it is a never ending scene meant to awaken you with a silent scream. Teetering on the very brink of yet another psychotic episode I feel as though the gates of hell I alone have rode Ask me no more questions and no lies will I sell I say as I'm turning in full circles until I start feeling rather unwell. There is no one that knows just what makes me tick I promise you these thoughts inside my head are really rather sick. These thick clouds of stale smoke make me choke with every breath I take. I wonder how far I will continue to bend before I actually break. In the interest of the secrets that I am forced to keep I feel that someday off this mortal coil I should leap. I hide myself away just out of sight so I am safe from the things inside the dark that like to bite. Bite right into my tattered heart and torn soul searching for anything that completes me and makes me whole. With wild abandon emotions run unregulated and unchecked leaving me to question just what happens next. What should I expect. I'm not bragging I am just stating a fact I will make it though this unscathed integrity still intact. I wonder where that glimmer of hope could actually be it's all I need to restore the darkest in places inside of me.  If you do not believe as I do you may never fully understand that faith as much as a mustard seed can move mountains grand. This fire, it burns everything down to nothing but cinder and ash. Hallucinations are not exactly manufactured mass. When ashes turn to mere dust blowing in the wind I can't help but wonder if you know that I am a fiend my friend. Just another addict with a heart full of snow and a head filled with static Go on do whatever it is that you must can a person actually spontaneously combust. From dusk til dawn I almost completely gone lost in this life that's merely a sick twisted joke with a halo that is tarnished and wings completely ******* broke. The heroes for the ghosts I traded have begun to give chase catching up to me so quickly it's like I was running in place. I have gone to what was once a pretty place where flowers used to grow in search of a graveyard where I could bury my dark dead soul. The others are dying to know just where I have been, as the air of  this night has been perfumed with the scents of *** sweat and sin. It matters not where I am as long as I am standing tall  or if I move to you suppose that I will fall. The creatures of the night tend to disappear as we approach the break of day. Just as I myself, take this time to attempt to fade away. Just like a flickering flame that has been spent and it slowly dies. Silence is a deafening sound as it rips across my dismal and  grey tragic skies I love with my whole heart and all that I am if you do not like me I really do not give a ****. I am supposed to be the captain of my ship the master of my very fate Go on now save yourself for me it's way too late. I cannot give up and I cannot give in to let this demon actually win would be the ultimate sin.  This cool drink of water was such a relief to my parched thought crafted In blood instead of ink was this book that I had wrote I hold on tight to this unrelenting pain tears do not cascade down my face like the falling rain. Into the worlds that are somehow parallel I lost my balance and I slipped and fell. Alone, lost and terrified there are few in which I can confide my all too frequent thoughts that turn to suicide. The story is now over this tale is fin that is until we begin yet again. Mightier than swords of sharpened steel stainless is this pen with which I write bringing in this storm the perfect sight you're **** right that means dancing with the devil in the pale moonlight.

The desperation, the tournament and the anguish pours right out of my cracked open soul. Flooding my entire being with such intense emotions that are so hard to control
I cried out in unrelenting pain but no one heard my plea there was not one that could save myself from me

Feeling as if my life was indeed in peril I was lost in a darkness I could not describe it was obvious that my only thoughts then were just how was I going to survive

These words seemed to have lept right off the page colder I was now corrupted with age
There was this huge hole inside of my very ******* soul, of course right though it the coldest winds did blow.

Losing myself further in what appeared to be a different time another place a place so forsaken
It seemed to be the perfect spot for someone with a broken heart oh how I was mistaken

The demons that lurked here you could not clearly see yet once again I cried out for some to save myself from me
Seeking out what I could only call salvation why was I swallowed up by the chaos upon my very creation

Roasting over the open flames in my own private hell I harbor forever all the secrets I can never tell
Tears do not cascade down my face I will not cry I just sit here quietly waiting for my turn to die

I travel on wearily to places even angels fear to go seeking out anything that could complete me make me whole

The deafening sound of silence was all I could hear filling me completely with dread doubt and most of all fear
I was destined to be among the ****** as long as I chose to remain right here.

So through the sinister night I strolled blindly for there was nothing at all I could see
I seemed to be chasing spirits that taunted follow me

So off in pursuit of something I was sure I would never find I once again traveled outside the parameters of my own mind

To error they say is to be human but to forgive is said to be divine. There has to be some kind of flaw in my grand design

My character has been assiasnated by people who know not who I really am they do not see the hell I have walked through they do not give a ****

All alone I now am wondering just what I should do confused and at my wits end I have no clue

I continue on moving forward attempting to adjust So I pine, I burn, and I perish leaving behind nothing but ashes that turn to dust

In this tainted moonlight that shines in the widows bright
I let go of every ache and pain with every word I write

My lines are twisted and perverse as well as explicit and profane and where would I be If I were not crazy going sane.

I have no other option but to confess that I am nothing but a hot mess heart beating sporadically inside my of chest filled with emotions mere words alone can not express

Fading to black just as thick clouds of smoke pollute the very air we breathe the most dangerous monster of all is the one we don't believe

The hardest one of all to conquer is the one we ourselves seemed to conjure even if I was in fact soon to be a goner I was determined to go out with honor

Lately the thoughts in my head leave me saddened
horrors relived that most couldn't have never even imagined
I am feeling a little bit stagnant
kind of like a **** magnet
life's been hell but somehow I've managed, even though it has left me sitting here all dark and damaged.
From the start I was at a disadvantage
I'm no princess from a far away land enchanted
nor am I shady and down right underhanded
I'll rise up just like a sleeping savage
**** with me and I'll start reeking havoc
I'm not just being dramatic
now days it's pretty much automatic
I'm quite the active addict
head and heart full of snow and static
it keeps me well distracted
lost in an age old habit
my skies still streaked tragic
welcoming the demos who have come in uninvited
there are some days that I just cannot fight it others days there's no way for me to hide it
flames in my hell reignited
yet here I am burning trapped inside it

Glowing red just like a burning ember
There are times I easily loose my temper
for as long as I can remember
I've been just another sinner surrounded by darkness that I can only describe as sinister
I am no where near a beginner
I did disfigure silver
there's so much I should reconsider dreaming of times much simpler
learning from my inner prisoner
who is always quoting Scripture
in barely a whisper
spinning like a a twister
pain and anguish becoming a permanent fixture
I stand back trying see the bigger picture my voice of reason sounds just like my sister
something about this is so familiar
Now I get twisted losing my way so much quicker
my flames are beginning to flicker
the taste of misfortune is very bitter washing out my mouth with water from the river
now if only I could stand and deliver
instead I can only sit here and shiver
like I'm outside in the dead of winter
by now I should've burned down to nothing but a cinder
lost on another ******
wounds still tender
barely even let out a whimper
searching for the hope I lost looking hard for that glimmer.
One day I will rise above wrapped up in heaven splinder.

Here I am tarnished, a blemished soul
searching for anything to complete me, make me whole
What you think really is irrelevant.
We all have relatives that's have closets full of skeletons
Isn't that the right, your excellence
There is no case there is no evidence
How do people keep living on in complete ignorance.
With every experience to
I pray for my own deliverance
If I had other intentions I doubt it would make a difference

Feeling like i am at least a little woke
as well as somewhat exposed
now i at standing here at this crossroad
.Im hallowed, I can't help but to be a cutthroat
I've got problems by the very shitload
teetering on the brink of a psychotic episode
My mind is begining to overload
For me it is just **** late for me to go rogue
Too soon for me to attempt to go ghost.
So as there chaos begins to unfold
I'll be right here, your **** right I am throwed
This story has since been rewrote.
My mental illness still has yet to be Diagnosed.
I am still stuck in beast mode
its possible I think I am about to overdose
Im searching for the antidote
This is some habitat, cozy little cabbage patch, where bad ideas are known to hatch. strapped with gats just so I can cap the Shorts. No brag just fact Attempting to walk out unscathed integrity intact digging myself up like an ancient artifact. In this cataphract chaos I knowingly attract
Spill the secrets that overload your very soul,
Don't let yourself lose all of your self control
Broken vessel, I'm just an empty hull
Can't stand the sounds of these thoughts, I gather until they rattle on around inside my skull...
keep in mind that i'll cut you from ******* appetite,
the flames inside seemed to just ignite
This familiar feeling seems to stir as it also seems to excite
looking in from right outside
as if I were stuck knee deep in my kryptonite
After all the things that had been sacrificed
Dissatisfied by the very changing price
on your host You tend to feed like a parasite
Anger erupting exploding just like dynomite

We roam on like we are all blind, with my very soul I outpour every word that I write
If you want my advice, keep in mind everyday I feel a little less alive'
High at times usually hiding in the shadows of these dark rhymes
An unseen evil remaining hidden behind, the tombstones, in this ancient graveyard of mine
Really was it that big of a surprise to find,
That to shine, I would usually rise
Because when push comes to shove, I have noi choice but to survive

So here I am too numb now to feel the pain
As matter of fact I do not feel anything, so I spit out these pieces of broken luck
Don't get **** twisted though because I still do not give a ****
One day I will rise above smile on my face as I go flying by tragedy has streaked my dark sky but I will stand my ground til the day I die

Nightmares haunt me rather I am asleep or wide awake
I wonder how far can I bend before I actually break

So much for these nights of quiet contemplation
I was swallowed whole by the chaos from the very moment of my creation.

I cry out, I beg, I plead, I pray
All in search of a better way
It gets harder everyday
For me to hold my demons at bay
Everything I say at least to me sounds so cliche
Not that it matters what I say
For there's no one listening to me anyway

To the sky I blow the smoke from my cigarette
I try my best not to live with any regret
I keep telling myself not to get so upset
Over things that haven't even happened yet

I feel like I am stagnet kind of like smoke that has gone stale
Maybe it's me roasting over the open flames in my own hell

Every time I turn around I come across another complication
So now I am seeking out a little salvation


In reverse I am falling free in a tail spin
I cannot give up nor can I give in
It would be the ultimate sin
If I were to let this devil win

My drug abuse is just an excuse it's like a crutch I use still I wish these demons would turn me loose

The stars in my dark sky do not shine bright enough for me to see
So through the sinister darkness I stroll blindly

I am headed to a pretty place now where the flowers grow
Steadily I am just rocking this **** bowl
I may be back within an hour or so
Then I'll travel on to places even angels fear to go

Fire burning everything down it's now all like ashes to dust scattered by the wind
When will this torment ever ******* end
I'm not your foe but I am indeed a fiend my friend
So I guess it's here we go again

I'm only crazy when I start to go sane
When I'm so numb I actually long to feel the pain
Everything I wrote is twisted perverse explicit and profane
My misery these words do contain
Every day it's harder for me to be able to maintain
Every symbol is utter drips with much disdain
Yet here I am melting in this acid rain

I think the end maybe coming soon,
Eyes bigger than the neon moon
Animated I'm all drawn out like a **** cartoon
Looking at the morons all red assed like a **** baboon
I'm stark raving mad laughing like a loon
All the while I am being crushed underneath the weight of this pending doom
My cluttered room is starting to feel like a tomb
Disastrous behaviors I resume
*** and sweat scent the air like a new perfume
The toxic fumes colorful as a peacocks plume
Shot gun blasting off with a sonic boom

I lost myself in a God forsaken place
So far out of reach from my saving grace
I drink of my misfortune it has a bitter taste
**** this Life what a waste
I can't seem to keep up the pace
Faster than me are the ghosts that chase
Haunted by all the mistakes I can't erase
Here bodies have been known to disappear without a trace.
You already know if there is no evidence there is no case
So in the clutches of evil I smother in its empty embrace

For some it takes drugs I was once told by an angel who visited my sky,
For some I learned from experience they need an iron clad alibi
so no one knows that they were out climbing higher just to get high
As for me I keep on chasing these smoke clouds and spirits yet I don't know why


from the sky I am falling free in a tailspin
Here we go once again
not your foe but I am a fiend my friend
hiding out in a world full of ignorance and pretend
what comes next well that does depend
on what demons we wrestle with what evil we contend
I'm walking around feeling rather condemned
Into What hell do I feel as if I am beginning to descend
To keep falling further down without any consent
Watch other around you beware of their intent
It's always ****** up **** at least to some extent



Holding onto anything that keeps  me feeling whole instead of incomplete
haunted by these memories like they are ghosts its bittersweet
Yet here I am trying my best to render myself obsolete
in this shadow inside a cloud I tend to
retreat
cannot bring myself to admit defeat
I cannot erase all the mistakes that I cannot seem to delete
So for all the secrets I am forced to keep I give them to the Lord so perhaps I can finally sleep
Off this mortal coil I sometimes feel I should leep
falling to my rock bottom in a twisted broken heap
Actions speaking louder than words  prove talk is cheap

the price we pay for the way we live though is rather steep
Through my old neighborhood I slowly creep
doing my dead level best not to break down and weep
For the still waters that run through me run so very deep


It all weighs heavy on my mind and even heavier on my heart
I feel like I am about to embark
On a trip and just as I am about to depart
I light the night on fire I light me up to see where I spark
hiding away in the darkest of dark
More than likely underneath the midnight sky in some god forsaken trailer park


I have a unique point of view due to all the ******* I have been through
You cannot be me and I don't want to be you
I promise I am anything except brand new
I know what it is that I need to do
its just a matter of following through
i feel as if I can trust only very few
most people don't even have a clue
these ghosts now are then ones that seem to pursue
as off this yellow brick road I wander off into the clear blue
leaving all the crap in y rearview



What else can I say in a way that's not quite so cliche
How in other words do I convey that hell no I am
not okay
its harder and harder every **** day
to hold  these demons of mine at bay
when they are just longing to play
How far have my feet gone astray
why is my sky always so dark and grey

cigarettes burning  on the window sill while joints lay unlit in then ashtray
youtube song list blaring away stuck on replay


so here I am trying not to flicker like a flame burning out trying not to fade away  
For me its seize the night looking for a better
way.
perhaps one that doesn't have so much hell to pay


My story has not been written in cement
nor in my flesh from a sharp edged impliment
profane and explicit are my works full content
So I'm holding myself in contempt
at least in any event I have no intent to put up a false pretense myself being someone I misrepresent
I have nothing but time that can very well be spent
trying to find new ways to repent
Now don't go getting **** all completely
bent
take a deep breathe and just vent
I've meant what  I  have said saying just what I meant
so to the heavens prayers I have sent
to ease some of my **** torment


not sure if that's how it's really goes or if it's just the way it has always went


when night draws back it's curtain and pins it with a star
know that I love you if I ever loved you no matter where you are
rather you are so very near or quite far
in the tinted moonlight I bathe every scar
getting wasted sitting here at this bar
I guess we are just who and what we really are


So off into the horizon I stare as if I am doing nothing wrong
up all night long
just hitting the **** ****
trying to move on
trying to remain strong
its hard when at this impasse you've stood way too long
forcing yourself to fit in all then places you know you don't belong


long story short these are probably the ramblings of some old fool who has lost their way in the chaos that was stemmed.
unable to see in a light so dimmed
Yes Father I am sinner who has most cerianly    sinned
My book isn't written in ink but in my blood it has been well penned
Broken hearts and promises that I cannot seem to mend
searching for a means to an end
WIll I eventually break after so far I bend

an addict's mindset is where I've been so stuck
screaming out in the night that I just don't give a flying **** while I try not to choke on the pieces of my broken luck
So I went joyriding in a stolen truck
reeking havoc and running amuck
out in this thunderstorm like a sitting duck
trying my damnedest not to get lightening struck


because when falling free from the sky hitting the ground in a manner so abrupt
could cause anyone to erupt especially if like me they are already cold and quite corrupt
So before My final self destruct
try not to burn so bright you spontaneously combust
burning it all down like it was Ashes to dust


Charcoled and burnt to a complete cinder
my mind is twisted you probably shouldn't enter
The voices in my head were fun for me to dismember
Sometimes I really hate my ******* temper
I try not to stand in the way I don't wish to hinder
I am looking for hope maybe just a glimmer
hopefully it shines like stars at night all a shimmer
blinded by the white of the snow falling to then ground in the dead of winter


So I close my eyes and I am bombarded by the memories that just were not meant to last
you know the ones that disappear so ******* fast
Pain and suffering tormenting me still though the trauma has passed
tt all leaves me feeling like I need to go out and get smashed
leaving everything behind everything trashed


smoke another joint twist another bowl
keep on burning that hole
out of control
right into my very soul

I've gone to a pretty place now where the flowers used to grow
now its a desolate wasteland where even angels fear to go


shivering from the cold winds that  continue
to blow
I jump down another rabbit hole
Instead of attempting to blindly stroll  in the sinister darkness that the time it takes fade has always been slow.


to  error is human but to forgive they say
is divine
I know that I **** **** up all the time
always searching for my buried  treasure I believe that I will never find
bound by blood to these very ties that bind
Maybe I am just a little bit out of my mind
I'm a character once assassinated so I'm that much harder to define
trying to keep it all kind
I'm understand time is just a thing to remind
that our pasts we cannot leave all that far behind
Then years simply are unwilling to rewind
I feel I have burned I will perish and I have pinned
form the fatel feelings on which I now dine
Yeah sure I am doing just fine
sliding down this steep incline
gasping for any kind of vine
trying to keep myself in line
like that glimmer of hope I long to sparkle and shine

so many questions twisted up inside of my head as I find myself laying awake staring at the ceiling from my bed lately I have had nothing but feelings of dread lately all I have been seeing is red I feel like I'm hanging on only by a thread I **** sure cannot forget that I am standing alone right here on the edge If I fall arms outstretched...
As free as this Do you think that could actually fly, flying, soaring freely though the sky above all the clouds way up high. The view would be so amazing. Oh my. Thinking about all the time that has passed me by, About the questions and I have and the reasons why. Could I reclaim every tear from up here that I did ever cry? Why have all my plans went awry? Why can't I tell my loved ones who have passed good bye? If all my wrongs I could just somehow justify. I would finally be as free as this **** butterfly. Oh what and intense feeling to Electrify. To all those I love standing nearby, I cannot come down, I cannot comply. Hereon out consider me just a firefly that life finally did satisfy. Every I should remain dry for I did not die. I just took to the sky.

As of late there's just been so much going on
Everything seems to just keep going wrong
oh it was such hell the pain I've undergone
I'm standing here just trying to hold strong
Just barely creeping in right under the dawn
I've **** sure been a bit more than headstrong
I am cursed my whole life, my whole lifelong  
Always searching for some place to belong
All these **** tales of such woebegone
My suffering it keeps trying to prolong.
It's about time that I get ******* gone
you'll find me out chasing a unicorn
blown around by the winds in a thunderstorm
An tragedy that's just waiting to transform

Regret blowing to the sky like smoke from my cigarette
I try really hard not to let myself get so upset
over things that haven't even happened yet.
I'm never been someone that you'll easily forget
I've been chasing my own **** silhouette
Right off into the most beautiful sunset
I just want to find a way to completely disconnect
just long enough for me to ******* reset
to me it sounds like a reasonable request
Leave it to me to be a lost space cadet
I never claimed to be anywhere near perfect
with all due respect, I'm  just a subject that's been depressed
stuck deep inside that dangerous addict mindset
I have a tendency to become a tab bit obsessed
with all of these dark thoughts that I collect
Spinning and twirling around like I've been possessed
in retrospect Its probably not my spirit you should resurrect  
The few precious hours that I actually slept were so **** blessed
that with all my strength, on my shoulders , the weight of the world I attempt to heft
So with the very last breath my body has left
out into the darkness I have slowly stepped
All my emotions are unregulated and unchecked
praying to the Lord, crying out his name as I wept .